<p>I have been closely following the thread about the freshman who was so unhappy after five days he wants to come home... I could have written post that last year. My son (quiet and introverted) survived freshman year with good grades but no real friends to speak of. He did join two clubs which he really likes and has made "acquaintance friends" but no real buddies. He decided to try a different dorm this year, upper classmen and community bathrooms hoping it would be more open that the suite style he was in last year. One full week in and he is already sliding in to the same negative pattern "everyone already has their own friends", "nobody keeps their doors open", "RA plans nothing to help get to know others" etc. His roommate (blind selection) is nice enough but they have nothing in common, I think they are coexisting peacefully which is a huge improvement over last years situation. He tried to connect with floormates for a big campus activity but they stood him up which left him very hurt and his confidence in shreds. Son is home for Labor Day weekend, we brought up the possibility of going to the counseling center which he was not very open to at this point, but we think would be helpful. He has never been a very social child with a big group of friends but I am really starting to worry that he isn't connecting with kids as friends at college (social anxiety?). He likes when social activities are planned and organized (like the club activities) but struggles with the spontaneous stuff. This is very painful for us to observe. He is already stressed about where and who to live with next year (as are we) since all that starts up in a few weeks at his school unfortunately. Any suggestions/advice appreciated. </p>
<p>Who would have thought parenting would be such a struggle once they are 18+? I know how hard this is, but I would suggest trying to step back and let him figure it out. If he asks for advice, I would suggest things involving his interests. Otherwise, try not to push. </p>
<p>Quietly chewing nails…</p>
<p>Was he able to make friends in HS? Some kids will only have one or two friends and be content with that. You say he is shy and an introvert so perhaps he would be most comfortable with just a few friends. Some kids just take longer to connect with others and it could be a trust issue, self confidence issue, or anxiety issue. It is definitely difficult to watch our kids struggle with social issues. </p>
<p>My DS is a HS junior and describes himself as an introvert. He has only a few friends and they rarely get together so he is home most weekends alone. They tend to “socialize” through text or skype. It breaks my heart but I have come to accept it to some extent. He tells me he is waiting for college to make a group of friends because of all the cliques in HS. Well, I hope that is the case, but we will see. I have come to realize that having a son who is generally happy, emotionally stable, smart, and kind is something to be thankful for. </p>
<p>Be a sounding board for your son, encourage him to go to club activities, and continue to offer support. Negative self talk ( “everyone already has their own friends”) can affect self esteem and the ability to reach out to others. Suggest that he turn his negative self talk into positive thoughts. Hopefully, he will find his way.</p>
<p>
So who did show up for this? Are there any he can link with? You have to find “your people”. DD found similar souls in the math club and anime club (different sets of students).</p>
<p>I’m so sorry that your son is having a tough time. It is so heartbreaking when our children are unhappy and we can’t help. I rarely post but felt so sorry reading the story about his floormates not showing up for the event.
Unfortunately, college kids are still often very immature and it is terrible that they did that to him. </p>
<p>The best advice I can give is that he will eventually find his friends. Much like a partner or dating, it just takes time. I had many acquaintances in high school and college but only a couple of true friends. I never felt like I was missing out by not having tons of friends like the “popular” students. Once your son finds a few people he can depend on, everything will be better. College forums and boards are filled with similar stories. It might make him feel better to know that he isn’t alone. There are tons of students at his campus that are feeling the exact same way tonight. </p>
<p>I have found that making friends in clubs takes much longer than in social settings. He shouldn’t feel bad that club members are cordial but not really close yet. Many times it takes well into the 2nd year of being in a club to truly make connections. Clubs are great but they aren’t necessarily the easiest places to make close friends. </p>
<p>It’s a shame the RA isn’t more proactive. At my son’s college, his RA was great at organizing events. This really helped with getting to know the other dorm residents but it still took awhile until DS found his group of friends. It was a very gradual process. I can sympathize with your son because I am very shy too. I don’t necessarily know if counseling would help. Some people are introverted. Studies show they can tell in newborns which babies will be outgoing and which will be more reserved. </p>
<p>Just one close friend can make a huge difference in your college experience. It’s cliche but he’ll probably find his best friend at school when he least expects it. He also shouldn’t rule out platonic friendships with girls. He may relate better to girls than guy friends.</p>
<p>Try to enjoy your holiday weekend together. I hope you get a happy phone call when he returns to college. Things will get better.</p>
<p>I do think counseling can be a big help for social anxiety. Even if the OP’s son does not fit this diagnosis, a therapist can help with suggestions. It also eases the parent’s mind that someone else is involved with child. Many college counseling centers have groups that can be helpful.</p>
<p>Erin’s Dad, your DD could well have met my son is those very groups. I think clubs can be key to meeting people. It pains me to think of the OP’s son being left out of an activity by dorm mates. I’ve heard this same tale before. I’ve also heard how cliquey some clubs can be. Are there study groups? Could your son reach out to a classmate to study together?</p>
<p>It is harder to make friends at upperclassmen dorm because most people already have their circle of friends. They are using their dorms to sleep, not a place to make more friends. That being said, there are still a lot of opportunities for your son to meet new people and make friends. I know my kids had group projects or study group for their classes. Your son may want to see if there is anyone like him, a bit quieter, who would welcome an invitation to have coffee before or after the study group. I would encourage your kid to join more organizations, may it be volunteer work, sports, religion, politics…As an introvert, he won’t need to invite anyone to go and there will be built in activities.</p>
<p>I think there is a a lot of misconception by many introverts that everyone else has a lot of friends except for them. Instead of arranging a big event or big meet up, it maybe better to get together with one or two people. There are a lot of people like OP’s son, who would love to make connection with few people. It is not true that everyone is happy, everyone is busy, everyone has a lot of friends…Making connection means putting yourself out there. Sometimes people will be rude, but it may not have anything to do with your son, it could be they are having a bad day or just not nice people. </p>
<p>My girls are very attractive and generally very social. They’ve had their own insecurity and felt used and abused by people. As a mother, I try to tell them it is not a reflection on them, just because there are some bad friends, there are just as many people out there who could be good friends. I often remind them of their good qualities when they are down on themselves. </p>
<p>I think life works best for introverts when they go with their flow: stick with organized, structured situations that connect willing people. Fighting against type can be torture.</p>
<p>I apologize for sounding unsympathetic, but your son sounds, through what you describe, a little whiny. The blaming and helpless angst is not going to serve him well. Making friends takes a lot fo time, and he may need to be proactive for a long time to finally find some buddies. And college friends are often just casual friends – that trope of the lifelong inseparable brother is a high standard to hit. But is indeed hard to watch (although moms often have more drama invented in their heads than is truly going on)</p>
<p>I would suggest that you continue to reassure him that it will work out, encourage him to join groups that interest him and leave his dormmates alone lest he become the annoying 5th wheel. And send care packages with food to share 
Model what to say in social situations, concentrate on his own happiness as an individual…He may well only have a few friends – remind him that is not unusual nor a sign of bad character. This isn’t high school, and you don’t have to join the popularity wars if you’d be happier otherwise. </p>
<p>Since your son isn’t open to visiting the counseling center, perhaps you can call them and ask what you, as a parent, can do in a situation like this. I’m sure they have lots of experience with kids not adjusting quickly. Maybe you can pass along some suggestions to your son. If he were a freshman I would tell you to wait and see if it works out, but after reading your story,I believe he really needs some help. </p>
<p>Thanks for the supportive, helpful responses. We have given him the info about walk in visits to the counseling center, it will be up to him if he chooses to seek that help out. We have told him it is important not to bottle up feelings and venting to a person who is unbiased can give you a better perspective. ( I did call the counseling center to get that info last week). He had a small group of friends in HS but was never the center of that group. He went to homecomings and activities with the group but rarely did one on one activities. </p>
<p>We have talked about formulating a plan for the next couple of weeks. He will be attending his two club activites (one is a sport, one is a volunteer group). It appears there have been social opportunities outside of the organized activities that he hasn’t always been comfortable going to but says he will try some of those this fall. </p>
<p>He is in an upper classmen dorm but it is mostly sophomores, some came in together others are rooming blind like my son did. I think his shyness sometimes translates into not looking as open or friendly as he could (like making eye contact and smiling). I think a counselor might have more success in working on that than mom does. And I don’t think my son is whiny at all, I think he is frustrated and lonely. I was very proud of him last year sticking things out and doing so well academically when he felt so isloated socially. It was very hard for him to walk alone into two clubs and join in. He even took a committee position second semester which will be ramping up this semester so maybe that will help. </p>
<p>And yes I agree, parenting young adults is so much harder than young children!</p>
<p>Are there any kids from his high school at his university? Even if they weren’t friends in high school, they could found a common bond in their new surroundings. Both my S’s leaned on friends from home at their universities when they first started out. </p>
<p>D1 was very shy as a kid, always afraid to talk to people she didn’t know. She learned to just smile and laugh when people are talking and she didn’t have much to say. It made her feel like she was part of the group, and the outgoing/talkative people liked having her around because she was a built in fan club for them. Now, D1 as a 25 year old, is usually the most talkative person and life of the party. I think she learned to be by watching.</p>
<p>OP - please don’t take it this wrong way…Does your son have proper attires (clothing, glasses, shoes) to fit in? This may sound shallow, but young people are often judged by their peers by what they wear, toys they have, music they like. D1 learned very early on, not to share information about herself until she figured out the group’s dynamic. She didn’t necessary conform, but if the group didn’t like country music, she didn’t share her music taste until they got to know her better.</p>
<p>I agree with whoever said the introverts think the extroverts can make friends easily and that’s not always the case. I have one extrovert whose friends always describe her as always happy, bubbling, etc… She might have made one close friend in freshman year. When she first started freshman she often told me she had nothing in common with these roommates but it’s soon wear off. She even plans to go on vacation with one of them. It takes time but do smile and be friendly with other people in the mean time.</p>
<p>Oldfort- yes he wears appropriate attire and grooming so that isn’t the issue.</p>
<p>His HS friends attend other schools. They had some get togethers over the summer but not a lot.</p>
<p>He always did well going away to camp and such growing up but camp is pretty structured. I guess I didn’t think it would be this hard for him socially. He has had friends who are girls but not a girlfriend.</p>
<p>And obviously it is very painful as a parent to watch from afar.</p>
<p>I would suggest that your S try some of the following:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>If he is at all religious, attend campus services. Get to know the clergy. There’s often a social component to services. However, do avoid cults. </p></li>
<li><p>Join some study groups. Organize one himself if necessary. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>3 Look for short-term community service opportunities. Spend a day decorating a Halloween Haunted House for a charity; wrap Christmas presents for foster kids, help build a home for Habitat for Humanity, etc. There’s usually some sort of campus organization that advertises these ops. Working with a group of kids on one of these projects can be a good way to make friends–and even if it isn’t an instant solve, helping others makes many of us feel better about ourselves. </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Go early to class. Try to start a conversation with another person who has arrived early. “I found this week’s problem set really hard; wow, what a game this Saturday!” Something. Don’t worry if it falls flat. </p></li>
<li><p>Volunteer to help with scut work. If there’s a dorm function, help with clean up. It the glee club is giving a concert, ask if he can do anything to help–put up flyers, put together programs, set up chairs, etc. </p></li>
<li><p>If there are parties, go early. It’s easier to get into conversations with people you don’t know well at the beginning of a party than it is after it is in full swing. </p></li>
<li><p>Give compliments. “Those are cool earrings!” I really enjoyed your class presentation." Only give sincere ones and don’t try to turn it into an immediate conversation. Just force yourself to interact with others and make a good impression. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>I actually heard from a college counselor that sophomore year can be harder than freshman year…the excitement has worn off and you’re not at the top of the social chain. A few random ideas - what is his major and has he started taking classes specific to his major? If so, have him approach one of favorite professors and volunteer to help research or similar. Could even work with favorite professor not in major. My D ended up volunteer in rare book room in library which has nothing to do with major. This won’t help with friends but does help build confidence and feel more connected to school.</p>
<p>Would he be open to religious groups? Most don’t care if you are extremely devout or even of that denomination. My girls have both had great chaplains that served as extra support. These are the kind of people you could call and ask them to help get your child involved in something. More accessible than Dean of Students in many cases. Along the same lines, encourage service work or group where there is more emphasis on tasks rather than being best buds and you’re not expected to charm people, just do the work.</p>
<p>On the other hand, one of my favorite small colleges that Ds didn’t choose had a great dean of students who encouraged parents to call if they felt their kids weren’t getting involved. They would then manage to “bump into them” and try get them involved. Can’t tell from posts how large the school is.</p>
<p>You’ve gotten some good advice here. In similar situations, I’ve just about insisted that my kids find their way to the counseling center: no more complaining to me unless they did, because it IS a resource that is available to them and is worth checking out. This is the number 1 reason kids come to the center, and they are experts in coaching kids through strategies to find more happiness on campus. They will listen, listen, listen, and give him the suggestions above and more, but somehow it will sound more reasonable coming from someone other than their parent! They are also really good at having the kid problem-solve for himself. And, they will ask at each session what steps they’ve taken to better their situation, which seems to motivate kids to make those changes.</p>
<p>The only other suggestion I don’t think I saw in the replies above is to have your son specifically seek out an opportunity to mentor freshman or even high school students in some way. As a sophomore, he’s more experienced than these kids in at least a few areas. For one of my more shy kids, this was an excellent way of developing confidence and leadership skills in a setting that felt less intimidating than other volunteer activities. Most colleges have some sort of community outreach that pairs the college students with kids in the community for tutoring or mentoring of some type. He would meet like-minded college students, and develop relationships that way. </p>
<p>And I second the suggestion about the Dean of Students contacting your kid in a “coincidental” way. One of my kid’s Dean’s did this a few weeks into her freshman year (prompted by my ask), and I can tell you it made all the difference in settling her in more quickly. It does seem to be a small-college thing, however. </p>