Son's roommate uses us as a taxi service to/from home

Parents Forum
101

The roommates parents may be rude or ungrateful or whatever.

But that’s a simple fix- tell the roommate you can’t drive him any more- problem solved. No more resenting another family when you aren’t in the middle of it. Whether the kid gets home every weekend or not is no longer your problem since he’s not in your car.

So to me- that’s a red herring- easy fix. The underlying issue- that every single weekend is being spent behind the wheel- is the harder problem. How to deal with the mixed emotions- happy to be helping your kid, thinking about what you could be doing with an extra 12 hours in your life every single weekend-- that’s the rub.

But in the same way that you don’t get to tell the other parents what they should or should not be doing, adults need to learn to own their own decisions. You CHOOSE to drive your college aged kid 12 hours every weekend? That’s your choice. And if the OP would feel better about that choice if she didn’t have the roommate tagging along? Tell the kid to find another way home. Problem solved.

102

That’s^ a little awkward, @Bossom. Might be easier if they weren’t roommates. Why not be direct and tell him you are happy to provide a ride but its time that he help with the cost of the gas (and name a suggested amount so he doesn’t give $1 and call it a day). If he is tacky enough to say “you drive home anyway so there is no extra cost” you can say that his sitting in the seat is wear and tear on your car’s leather/fabric,or you go out of your way to drop him off/pick him up. Or better yet, be honest and tell him that really is not the point. Does the roommate do any thing for your s as a roommate (pay for anything lose, share something your s doesn’t have) that might also help defray your annoyance? That should be checked out first before charging him a transportation fee. It might be embarrassing if you discover he’s been buying your son, say $10 worth of snacks or coffee or something every week.

If he really is not doing anything as a roommate to compensate, then tell him you are happy to provide him a ride but it will cost $10 a weekend (or whatever you feel is fair). Then can ask his parents if he can’t cough it up himself. Or ask the girlfriend to help . That part isn’t your problem. To me the issues isn’t that they choose to give him a ride, its that they choose to do it for free.

103

Word is missing above. Then he can ask his parents.
And issue, not issues (singular not plural).

104

JYM- while I agree with you in theory- an extra $10 per weekend would be lovely and great- I’m skeptical that this solves the problem.

The OP is driving back and forth every weekend regardless. It’s tiring. It’s tiresome. The fun part is having your kid in the car. But it’s 6 hours a week of solo driving on a road which isn’t going to get more interesting or more picturesque as time goes by.

So once the 10 bucks problem has been solved, who can help solve the “I haven’t had a real weekend to unwind or do chores or catch up on “Scandal” since Labor Day” problem?

Only the OP. By owning the choice. A young man who is old enough to go to college 3 hours away from home is likely old enough to check the Craigslist ride board to find alternative transportation where HE gets to pay the 10 bucks. Maybe not every weekend- maybe his parents do the drive every other weekend, and he’s responsible for finding another way home the other weekends.

Perhaps?

Once the roommates parents aren’t the problem, then what?

105

Why not buy your son a used car and let him drive himself? I’m sure he would love to have the roommate split the driving and gas costs and you would still be able to see him at home.

106

@blossom The OP didn’t say they had an issue with the drive per se. They said they had an issue with being a “taxi” for the other kid and feel that they are being taken advantage of. The choice is, IMO, to ask the roommate to help defray the cost and/or to ask the parents to do the drive occasionally. Maybe one can pick them up, the other can return them to school. Or alternate weekends. Any help from the roommate/his parents is what the OP sounds like she is asking for, but she hasn’t asked yet.

The issue sounds like not just “choice” but needing to be a bit assertive and ask for help. With money for gas, or sharing the drive. Sometimes it’s hard for some folks to ask, and if they remain passive, they get frustrated and don’t work towards a resolution. The OP would do well to find her voice and be diplomatically direct. She hasn’t chosen to do that yet. Hopefully the suggestions here will help.

107

@Sue22 - some schools don’t allow freshmen to have cars. At least not on campus. And the cost of the car, the insurance, the parking (wherever he has to park it) can add up.

108

@jym626 The 0P has made reference to the almost weekly drive being an issue, a “heck of a drive” and “exhausting.”

109

Yes, I am sure it is a heck of a drive and exhausting, but the OP and the thread title references the feeling that the roommate is a moocher. If they stop taking the roommate, they are still doing the drive. If they want help with the drive, they should talk to the roommie’s parents.

I play bridge with a groups of friends, and there are 4 of us that are the only ones who ever offer to host. There are 4 others who play, (one lives far away so it might be inconvenient if she hosted) and one is relatively new in the group, but there are 2 who have been playing with us for YEARS who have never, EVER offered to host. Early on, I suggested that we should set up a calendar and schedule who hosted when, in a rotating fashion, but the group felt that letting people individually email everyone when they wanted to host worked better. OK. Well one made excuses all the time, that she was remodeling her kitchen, that she had dogs, you name it. (We are remodeling our living room/dining room and the place is topsy turvey, but I hosted 8 people a few weeks ago with things in disarray. Its doable). The excuse maker plays very often, and maybe once or twice has offered to bring a snack (whoever hosts provides snacks). I talked privately to 2 of the “regulars” who also host about the lack of equity in hosting, and asked if they thought we should say something. They chose to leave it alone, so I followed concensus. Its a bit annoying, but in the scheme of things its not like driving hundreds of miles every weekend. If the OP is annoyed, she should speak to the parents. To me, that is the choice.

The OP asked for a suggestion as to how to broach the subject. Perhaps “Hi << roommie’s mom>> . It is lovely to spend time with our sons in the car, and we’d love for you to have the same opportunity. We have been happy to drive for the past XXX months, but would like to start rotating the carpool. Which would you prefer- to pick them up from school, drive them back, or rotate weekends?”

If the other family has some compelling reason why they cannot help with carpooling, (eg one is ill and the other has to care for an aging parent at home) they should then belly up to help with gas money.

110

But, the other parents don’t need their kid home every weekend . The OP does.
Maybe asking about breaks, holidays, might be a way to go. “We have been making a lot of trips up to school. Could you bring our boy home with you when you go to pick up your kid for Thanksgiving ?”. The OP says the other parents have asked her directly several times to bring their son home when they get their own kid. No reason the OP cannot be direct as well.

111

To me it doesn’t matter whether they can “need” their son. The reality is their son is coming home every weekend. And if he wants to continue to do this they need to step up

112

OP said he originally asked (not assumed, as a poster wrote.)

This parent is the linchpin. Let’s not pretend OP and the freshman roommate are equals, splitting gas costs. Presumably, OP can afford this double trip each weekend. She made this decision independent of finding someone else to help with costs.

Don’t assume the kid us a “moocher” when OP had enabled this, agreed to it. She allowed it, she’s complicit.

Now, she’s tired of something- whether it’s the other kid or the drive, itself, or their own missed downtime on weekends.

How do you roll up a big anger at the other family? How do you, in effect, say, “We drive Billy home weekly, for his commitment, and Joe comes along…now it’s your turn to drive Billy? Our son needs to be at x by this time, now it’s on you.”

First, you figure what the heart if the problem is. If it’s the company (Joe,) you talk to your son, tell him the truth, fact find. Maybe Billy has encouraged Joe and now revises. Or if the problem is Joe coming every time, Billy talks to him about that.

If the problem is the drive, maybe you get school permission for a freshman car.

But let’s not lump this all on Joe or $10-20 for gas you’d spend anyway, a commitment OP already made to her son’s activity.

113

It’s a funny situation, since as soon as OP’s S starts driving himself then having the roommate along for the ride switches from an annoyance to a benefit. At that time it would be appropriate for the roommate to help drive and pitch in for gas costs since the two kids are peers, whereas the roommate offering gas money to OP would be a bit awkward.

I think it’s time for Christmas to come early and just get the kid a car already. If he’s doing well in his classes and adjusting well to college, why wait? If that’s really not an option, personally I’d be talking (gently) to the roommate’s parents for help with the driving, but then that’s just how I am and different people approach things differently.

For campuses with tight/restricted parking, you can always rent an off-campus parking spot. I looked into that seriously when D was considering Cal and there were tons of options on Craigslist. Presumably most college towns are similar.

114

It’s going to be very easy forJoe to stay at school or find another way home. And that still leaves OP driving.

115

That was my thought too. The minute the OP starts trying to get the parents involved in these weekly trips home that the OP’s son is making, the other parents will just opt out of having their kid come home so often.

116

Why don’t you offer to drive the roommates girlfriend up to school to visit the room mate. Then you could have the three hour drive alone with your son one way and company of the girlfriend the other way.

If I were making the drive no matter what there is no way I could tell the room mate “find your own way home”

117

If the OP offered to give the GF a ride,it would be bringing her back to campus at the end of the weekend. That doesn’t help anything.

118

OP’s s and roommate are best friends. Most likely OP knows is perhaps friends with the parents. This isn’t that complicated. Worst the parents can say is no. Thanks for giving our kid a ride.More likely the parents dont know that their kid isn’t helping with gas, and at the very least might offer this. Hopefully they might offer more. Maybe yes, maybe no. if the answer is no, maybe their kid can start to stay on campus more weekends. If the roommate has been taking free rides without any offer to even buy a snack or something, thats to me is a mooch. Maybe they are complicit. But it doesn’t mitigate his mooch-ness.

119

She’d drive with the gf to pick up her son on Fri, leave her. Then get her on Sun for the drive back home.

120

I think the suggestion is to take GF to campus on Friday and to return her home on Sunday? Offering to drive the girlfriend brings a third family into the mix. That could get REALLY interesting, especially if the girl’s parents would not want their daughter visiting the boyfriend at his college. Personally, I would leave that one alone.