<p>I haven't finished the essay yet; I'm working on it right now. I just need some feedback. Please reply :)</p>
<p>What matters to you and why?</p>
<p>All my life, I have been loved. I have a caring mother, a kind hardworking father, and two beautiful sisters who love me for who I am and support me in anything I choose to pursue. They celebrate my successes and help me keep my head up when I get disappointed. </p>
<p>There are so many people who have not had these necessities. I have met some kids who have been raised by single parents or have lived with relatives their whole lives. They dont know what it feels like to be loved and appreciated for who they are. They have had no good role models and no motivation to make goals and reach them. They dont believe in themselves because nobody else does. They think that they are incapable of doing anything right and they are made to believe by their friends that they are stupid. </p>
<p>When I wake up in the morning, I feel like somebody is counting on me to be there. Somebody is counting on me to say hi to them in the hallway, to ask them how they are and really listen, to ask about their classes and help them out -- somebody is counting on me to care. I am the big brother they never had. </p>
<p>Toby was not a popular student. In Health class, Toby and I sat at the same table along with four other students. His classmates made fun of him and called him annoying and stupid. One day, Toby brought a water bottle filled with vodka to class and he started being rebellious; he was looking for ways to be accepted or liked. Every time someone made fun of him or called him names, Toby would laugh and hide the hurt as his self-confidence deteriorated little by little. Toby started hanging out with the wrong people and during Junior year, he started smoking and doing drugs. I knew that there was nice guy hiding behind his tired eyes and angry face who needed help to come out. I talked to him in the hallways and asked him how he was doing. I invited him to have lunch with me, but he always declined. Later, I found out that Toby was transferred to Keema High School -- the school for dropouts and unmotivated students. I started talking to him on Facebook and I told him that I would be there for him whenever he needed me.</p>
<p>You sound pretty spoiled at the beginning and it is a pretty depressing story overall. What is the conclusion? It sounds like you kind of tried to help this guy out, but had no success. I do not learn anything at all about you except that you have somewhat of a conscience and took notice of a kid who got bullied… I see you are a loved child i guess… Sorry to be so negative, but if you are going to keep this, delete the first two paragraphs and then finish the story.</p>
<p>It would be difficult to comment without reading the whole essay, but a couple of points:
First paragraph could be tightened by not going into detail about family; keep first sentence and summarize the rest
Second paragraph: I get what you’re trying to say, but comes across as condescending, all-knowing. There are many successful, happy people that grew up in single parent families or with relatives, etc.
Vary sentence structure! Almost all the sentences in the 2nd paragraph start with “they” and the last with “I”. Use dependent clauses, hyphens/semicolons-- something that makes your sentences seem sophisticated.</p>
<p>Some of my suggestions may be rendered moot with the conclusion of the essay. Good luck! :)</p>
<p>thanks for replying!
The point I was trying to get across is that I feel like my purpose is to give the love I have received from my family to everyone around me.</p>
<p>OrangeDinosaur I agree with what you said about sounding like I know everything. Thanks for the feedback!</p>
<p>I don’t see the connection between Toby and you - and I feel like you could really talk more about who YOU are, not what your family is like. Show, don’t tell, how you act around others and how you feel what’s important to you.</p>
<p>I think, that your essay has some preconceived notions, that it should not have.</p>
<p>First, not all “traditional” families are happy or provide role models. I don’t know if there are any statistics that can back me up, but a lot of the people that look up to their mother/father as a role model are single-parent raised children, same thing for people who live with their relatives. It just sounds too condescending.</p>
<p>show don’t tell is exactly what is needed. also, not spoiled parse, but you are just taking about how loved you are and dadeda, i don’t learn a lick about who you are</p>
<p>In the first part, it sort of implies that people with single parents and that live with relatives are unloved. This might be the case for one person but should not be made as a generalization. I understand that you don’t mean it as a generalization, but it kind of comes across that way. You just need to adjust that a little.</p>
<p>I agree with you…for a Stanford essay…i would like to say the following…(no offense)
you are very vague in the writing…
u do sound a little spoil…
i see the “why”, but you dont have enough support
it sounds as if u misread the prompt… “what matters to you!”</p>
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<p>I am trying to be a friend here…i wrote something like this and a teacher of mine who has been an AP reader for the AP English Language Exam which btw is a Stanford Grad. said this " people would throw this away"…
I want to help you out here friend…I am also applying to stanford and i wish you the best for when submitting it but i want you to understand that you need to think of something “outside the box”… (:</p>