@compmom I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me right now! (I’m no stranger to second-guessing myself either–my son comes naturally by it! 
) Thank you so much. I’ve been on other message boards for various things from time to time, but it never ceases to amaze me how warm and supportive the people here are. Maybe it’s a music thing!
Hope to hear what happens, and at the same time know it will work out no matter what he decides. Hang in!
I also think you are doing the right thing and striking a good balance. May is such a tough month. He is not alone with his concerns. Some kids just bury them. So I do think it’s good that he’s getting them out now as opposed to first semester of freshman year. He really should work through his fears and concerns.
I do hope he reaches out to the school. When you are alone with your thoughts things can get kind of negative (particularly when you are nervous). When you reach out to others you may find that your thoughts were distorted a bit. I always tell my D, you’re not really that “special” (and this may sound bad but it seems to calm my D down). You’re more like everyone else than you think. Talking with other vocalists and teachers makes her realize her thoughts and fears are pretty standard.
Of course if he wants a gap year that’s fine too.
@bridgenail the same thing occurred to me–it’s better that he work things out now than when he gets there. I’ve told his college counselor (who is fantastic) what’s going on, and suggested that he go and speak to her. What I’m really hoping is that either he calls someone at Purchase and really explains what’s going on, or that (and I don’t know if this ever happens) someone calls HIM from the school to discuss the deferral email he sent them. I really do think that that would help, and I’ve even considered calling Purchase myself to explain, but I’m pretty sure that that would be over-stepping right now. (And I did mention that what he’s going through is quite common–the "you’re not really that ‘special’–at least in terms of your feelings about college and your abilities–thing in gentler terms.)
And thank you as well for the words of validation.
And I think I’ve figured out at least part of his sudden resistance to Purchase. Part of it, I believe, is the old “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member” thing (that, in concert with the “impostor syndrome” thing that @compmom mentioned)–the convoluted and not very helpful thinking of a young, inexperienced, creative, and still-insecure-about-his-abilities person.
In addition, I think that some of his old depression was creeping up on him before we caught it, and during that time he was reading online reviews,etc., of the school by students. In that frame of mind, I think what he read got magnified in his head. I told him yesterday that the majority of negative online reviews–of ANYTHING (schools, hotels, restaurants, etc.)–are written by the disgruntled few. The people who are pleased with a place are busy doing what they’re doing, rather than writing reviews. And that if he read reviews of other schools, he’d find the same thing. (I also think that the negative reviews are more likely coming from the “general population” at Purchase, and not from the Music, Drama, Dance, etc. kids.) In real life I’ve never met anyone who’s gone there or who knows a lot about it who didn’t rave about what a wonderful place it is.
Purchase is an excellent conservatory. I can only speak for the composition world but it is well respected and has excellent faculty.
I also want to add that it is not uncommon to being composing during the college years (or even after). Some develop enough to go to grad school without even having a teacher. This development can happen while majoring in performance on an instrument, while majoring in academic music, while concentrating on composition itself, or majoring in something entirely different and composing on the side.
Don’t mean to repeat myself, but taking a year off to develop as a composer may not be necessary. If he is in the conservatory, he will have a chance to compose. I hope he talks with Purchase about his new interest in composition and asks them if it would be better to go this fall or work for a year and then apply for composition. I suspect they will tell him to come this fall and he can transition later, but it would be good to hear it from them.
As of tonight I’m thinking that the gap year will probably be the best way to go, regardless of whether or not he gets the deferral and ends up at Purchase, or really decides that for whatever reason he wants to go elsewhere. His anxiety is through the roof, and I really think he’s going to need some time to step back and re-evaluate and do some things to bolster his confidence in his abilities/talents. I need to be sure he’ll be OK.
I guess I should start a different thread about this, but I’m wondering about what would be good ways for him to spend his time and work on his music if he does the gap year. In particular at the moment I’m wondering about whether Berklee’s online classes (they have a couple in composition) are worthwhile. But I’ll worry about starting a new thread tomorrow. All this drama has me beat at the moment!
@AsMother - I sometimes speak with weird word choices that sound worse than they are, so pardon if any sneak through my editing phase. I talked to S about this sort of topic back when he was preparing more to “go for a musical career”. Maybe 6-12 months ago. So, I asked what if he did not get accepted anywhere (this is the part that might sound dark, but what I really mean is that if you have a plan to take care of the worst case, you can free your mind to think of the better cases, because you know how the worst case will be handled already). He said he would gap year it. What would he do in the meantime - he would pursue daily activities of a working musician. Look for gigs, figure out a network, practice. Basically take those steps that a professional musician must take. He would be doing it without the extra years of practice during college and without the learning or network that would develop over those college years, but he would “start” (or continue). He is already a professional musician - he just isn’t up to the self-supporting level, and he will use the next few years (college or not) to try to get there. That may or may not relate to the pursuit of composition, but your question about how to spend time triggered this memory to come back, so I thought I would write to you, with the intent of rooting for the best outcome for your cause.
Sometimes I think a gap year is good. But honestly… when it appears to be cold feet combined with imposter’s syndrome, a gap year is just more time for the dread to build. If he doesn’t take the plunge now, he may never do it. I’d push for him to try it for a semester. 4 months – then evaluate over winter break if he wants to take a leave.
@GoForth --I didn’t notice any “weird word choices”! What you wrote about “pursuing the daily activities of a working musician” makes a lot of sense. Yesterday I told my son that if he does take the gap year I’ll be totally behind him on it. But I also told him that from personal experience I know that when you’ve suddenly got a large block of unstructured time ahead of you, you think that you’ll use it to get all kinds of things done. But the reality is that if you don’t have a huge amount of self-discipline, the days can kind of tend to slip past. So getting into the kind of mind-set, or something similar, that you and your son suggest could be very helpful.
@intparent , I’ve wondered about that–whether he’d just end up feeling the same way (or more so) in a year at the prospect of starting school. He’s got a lot to sort out, and not a lot of knowledgeable resources in the area, and it just feels that we’ve got so little time to figure it out! And he’s so wigged-out (technical term ) at the moment that it’s become abundantly clear that the least amount of pushing in any one direction will only be counter-productive. I think I really need to hold back (not easy for me) and try to let him come to his decision himself at this point. I’m also afraid that if he steeled himself just to pack up his stuff and make the big move to Purchase in the fall, and then found sometime during the semester that he wasn’t up to it and had to come home, he’d really feel even worse about himself and his ability to do this (which I know he has–he just has to realize it for himself…somehow).
Thanks to both of you!
@asmother:
A gap year is not uncommon among students going into music school, usually it is because they want to get into specific programs and think they need that year. I agree with intparent, there could be the element of delaying to avoid making a decision. If he decides to take a gap year, before doing it I would encourage you to tell him to come up with a plan, a goal…is he taking a gap year to see if he would rather do composition than performance? Is it to build up his playing so if he defers or re-applies next year he will be stronger? With gap years, a lot of kids use it and do well, but where I have seen them fail is they take the gap year and don’t have a plan,don’t think it through, then find they may have wasted a year (when I say success, I don’t mean they necessarily ended up doing music, some took the gap year, and while working or doing things realized they didn’t want to major in music.
If it were my son, I would have him have specific goals and such, and what I would recommend to him was:
1)Get some exposure to music theory classes, a lot of kids dream about composing, but it requires a solid basis in theory to be able to compose, whether for the concert stage or movies, and that may be a tell for him whether he would want to do it. Others might have some suggestions about where to take that, there are online classes, he also may be able to do something, if you live in the NY area, like Juilliard or other music schools night programs, too.
2)meanwhile, work with a teacher privately to bone up his technical chops, to get a more firm basis in that. If he is kind of feeling like the ugly duckling, or as my son put it describing himself “the sludge pile of the studio” (see, that feeling is not uncommon, especially students who had teachers who thought praise ruined a student and egos were meant to be totally crushed). If he can, getting the ability to perform regularly would be a good thing I think, if he can get gigs of any kind and whatnot, to further see if performance is for him.
3)Do some research on movie music, on those who write it, see their paths. It would be really cool if someone offered an introductory class in movie music for people who don’t have composition or theory backgrounds (I don’t know if that exists), to see if he really wants to do it. Movie music from what I know (and that is not exactly an expert level) has people with a variety of backgrounds, some studied it formally, Michael Giacinno (JJ Abrams music slave, the way John Williams was Spielberg and Lucas’s lol) took movie composition classes I believe in Juilliard’s night program extension courses. He should see if he really wants to do that, seeing how it really happens, it is one of those things that seems cool on the outside, but is extremely competitive, and not for everyone:).
at the end of the year, if he gets exposed to theory and composition and has built up his skills, he can then decide what to do with knowledge, and perhaps not feel as uncertain. There is also the possibility he may choose none of the above, that something else strikes him as being what he wants to do. Personally, I wish a lot of kids (including myself!) had taken a gap year, and experienced things before going to school, it brings a totally different perspective to things instead of going from the K-12 grind, right into another 4 years. I saw that in grad school, most of us were working professionals going back to get a master’s, the kids who went right from undergrad looked so green to us:)
As a parent who may go through the process again, you have every right to ask your adult child, how will next year be different than this year? I would have the same concern as expressed above by @intparent. Trust me your kid will have an answer but I would make it clear that it must be different next year.
More than focusing on finding composition programs (and @GoForth gave a good answer on how to spend time and @musicprnt so I won’t address that), as a parent I would focus on how best to get him “launched”. What support does he need over the next year so he feels like he can accept at a school that accepts him.
Musically he has been accepted at very good schools. He’s fine. So I would not allow myself to be drawn into enhancing the musical side too much right now (and I speak from experience - I refuse to add wood to the fire of my D’s concerns which could be many and varied - and finally in grad school they are going away fast…whew).
I would not presently give him any information on composition programs for 2 reasons. One it could slow down decision-making as more information is not always good. Two you MAY be inadvertently agreeing that he needs more work. He may not know this either but it could be working at a subconscious level. My answer would be : You are talented musically. You got into great schools. This is a fact. Talent is talent. It will be there today and tomorrow and next year. Now why don’t we work on launching you (expect anger and resentment first…haha…like I said I speak from experience). Hope this helps in some way. At some point later, the schedule for a gap year could be addressed.
@musicprnt – Excellent suggestions. I guess you posted your comment while I was posting my last one but, as I mentioned there, I am concerned about whether he has the self-discipline to really use a gap year well, in spite of his best intentions. I know I’d have trouble with it, and I’m 54! On the other hand, at this point my gut tells me that pushing him to start in the fall if he feels he’s not ready would be very detrimental.
He is actually planning to do some of what you mentioned. He actually LOVES theory. (The first year he went to Jazz Camp here, and knew absolutely NOTHING about jazz or theory–this was between sophomore and junior year–he basically “flunked” the theory placement test they gave. But by the following year, pretty much by working on it on his own, he was placed in the most advanced theory class. It’s funny, especially for a kid who is kind of terrible at things like math!).
And he is planning on working with a teacher on both theory and composition, as well as practicing performance. I also suggested that he see if he can audit any music classes at the local colleges, and perhaps take something like Berklee’s online Composition class. I wish we were still in the NYC area, but we’re in north Florida so our options are somewhat more limited (although the University of North Florida, where he attended that jazz camp and fell in love with jazz in the first place, has a really wonderful program, and great teachers who do private lessons).
Composition, especially film-scoring, does seem to be a uniquely specialized area that requres a specific skill-set and training. As someone else here mentioned, that’s one of the reasons that Purchase seemed like such a good choice–they have the film school there as well, and he could work with film students on their projects. I particularly liked your suggestion #3 about looking into the paths of various successful film-scorers. (My favorite film-score ever is Peter Gabriel’s one for “Last Temptation”, but that may be somewhat different than the way most of them are done, as Gabriel is a performer first.)
@bridgenail --anger and resentment from MY son??! Never!!! (He just completely freaked out at me yesterday. Then he apologized.)
THIS is so helpful, and I wish that he could just hear it and believe it: “You are talented musically. You got into great schools. This is a fact. Talent is talent. It will be there today and tomorrow and next year. Now why don’t we work on launching you.” I wish that I knew more about music (I love it like crazy, but know nothing about theory or how to play anything). I honestly had no idea when he was applying to schools whether or not he was really “good enough” (he sounded wonderful to me, but that means pretty much zero) to get in anywhere. It occurs to me that even I have moments (and I know that they’re irrational, because clearly the conservatories don’t accept students just to be nice and make them feel good about themselves!) when I wonder if he got in by some kind of fluke. And then in the next moment I’m thinking, “I wish he’d applied to more schools, as he probably could have ended up with a lot more choices than we thought he would.”
What I wish for more than anything right now is that someone whose opinions on music he trusted–either a fellow student-to-be or a teacher or a performer–would sit him down and give him a good talking-to about all this (a metaphorical smack-upside-the-head). I can talk until I’m blue in the face, but what I say is really (understandably, on this) meaningless to him now. But there’s really no one around to do that.
Oh, and “What will be different about next year?” is, of course, and excellent question, and one I’ve been meaning to ask once he’s not feeling so freaked out.
Music or otherwise, I think colleges genuinely don’t usually accept students that they think can’t succeed. That said, one of my kids went off to a very difficult tech school with less preparation that most of the other students. She went to a liberal arts type high school – didn’t really know how to write a lab report, hadn’t had math at as high a level as most of her counterparts, and hadn’t lived and breathed STEM like many of the others had for years. Her first year was hard – she had a lot of catching up to do. But she did it (made dean’s list this semester). If your son is prepared to work crazy hard, and know that he has some ‘catching up to do’ with his counterparts, he can do this. My kid loves her college and wouldn’t pick another experience for anything. I wouldn’t discount his “impostor syndrome” feelings. I would acknowledge that he may have some gaps in his background. But the school would not have accepted him if they didn’t think he had the potential to succeed, and if they weren’t prepared to help him do this. Maybe suggest that he take a light load first semester while he settles in.
Me… I might very well call someone at the school and ask them to talk to him.
@intparent --my fingers have been itching to call someone at Purchase and ask him or her to speak to him about it. I was hoping that someone might do that in response to the deferral request he emailed them. But then something else tells me that I’d be overstepping the boundary on that, and that I need to try to hold back and let things happen somewhat more organically. Not an easy call.
He is talented or he won’t have been accepted. It’s fact and excuses are silly. These are professional schools. They don’t make mistakes picking talent. What talent does when it shows up can be good or bad behavior. But every kid entering the program will have talent.
All colleges are looking for is talent. It can be green talent. In fact in some cases green talent has less bad habits, less attitude and more growth possibility. At some point your son needs to accept his talent (even though it feels slippery - join the club). An extra year won’t change the fact that he has talent…it may enhance it a bit. But next year the schools will be looking for talent yet again. There will NEVER be a more than a fleeting moment that he feels secure in his talent (well maybe for some kids). He just needs to take the leap at some point. He’s talented and he’s …wait for it…“good enough” (sorry not perfect…my D has struggled with the good enough concept - haha). I hope he can get to an understanding of raw talent and move forward when he feels that “good enough” is good enough to start college.
Edit: And he’s not so special that they made a mistake on him. The schools have already told him he’s talented. He needs to open his ears or get help being able to hear it. Good luck.
That’s exactly what I said to him, @bridgenail . The people who make the decisions know their stuff, and they can’t afford to be sloppy about who they accept. But, again, hearing it from me means nothing to him.
Does anyone have any idea as to whether, upon accepting a request for a deferral, a school might try to make contact with the student to discuss what’s going on? Or do they just read the request, take it at face-value, and make their decision based on that?
Well, it seems to be settled (thank God!). Purchase approved my son’s deferral today (he really hadn’t been expecting them to approve it, or to respond so quickly). So I asked him if he’s sure that that’s where he wants to go next year, because it would be kind of a lousy thing to do to bail on them again then, and because I don’t want us to be going through all of this again next year (as you pointed out, @bridgenail ). He said that that’s where he’ll want to go, and that he’s going to sign the contract.
I’m relieved. Of course it would have been nice to see him head off and get started and be happy this fall, but I really wouldn’t feel comfortable second-guessing what he feels he needs to do–if he got up there and things went really wrong I’d never forgive myself. And we’ll know that he’s got a place in a great school, where he can easily work on both performance and composition. And I can’t say that I’ll mind having my boy around for another year, as long as we figure out a way to give him structure and worthwhile pursuits (again, I’ll probably start a new thread for suggestions on that, and take @GoForth 's advice there too).
Of course nothing is certain, and we can’t foresee exactly how he’ll be feeling about things in a year, but I am feeling as if he’s made a choice that he, his father, and I (his grandmother not so much! ) can be comfortable with.
Once again, thank you all so much for everything. I would have been a complete wreck over this if I hadn’t had all of your support and advice. (And @bridgenail , I got your very kind and helpful PM, but I guess that with this new development my response would be moot!)