If he has not signed on the dotted line for the deferral, I just want to say that I think he really could attend in the fall and progress far more with composition on campus than anything you can set up for the gap year. I fear that an episode of anxiety is driving this, rather than reasonable motives. Can he defer the deferral so to speak? I mean, can he get some treatment for his anxieties and still keep the option open for Purchase in the fall?
I know very well the feeling of relief for a parent when a decision has been made for a child to back off a situation that seems challenging in so many ways. But in the case of a clear anxiety reaction, perhaps it IS a time to intervene a bit. I am sorry but I just feel that sometimes staying on the horse, so to speak, is a better way to go.
But of course we have all had our own lives and experiences. One of mine had severe anxiety at this time in senior year but ended up thriving. I myself made some mistakes in terms of listening to the kinds of misgivings your son is having, which I regret to this day/
Are you close to Purchase? Could he visit and hang out a little? I think it is a shame for anxiety to change his plans. I was really hoping he would come around!! Clearly he has the talent, and attending will give him more confidence than avoiding, perhaps…
Sorry if this is too late and therefore simply upsetting…
@AsMother - It is clear you are doing all the normal and reasonable things that a person can do.
I am not totally accustomed to my advice being taken. It is always seems risky to give advice, even in general - I feel like some sort of accountability comes with the giving of advice. So maybe I am really just story-telling.
My screen name originated from my feelings about S wanting to go off into music. Just go do it. I put some effort into shaking out any ideas that S “might” have about some sort of magic happening via attending college. I think he knows that he is a musician now and that college will be a time period in the midst of his profession, and he will have to keep on rolling before, during, and after college in one continuous motion to pursue his profession. Such as when you are at a job and they send you off to a class to improve some knowledge. It is hard for me to compare composer to instrumentalist - I think it is more obvious what a jazz instrumentalist might be doing right away to get into the groove of working his trade.
@compmom I’m actually worried less about the anxiety than I am about depression. I agree that it can be helpful and useful to learn to “stay the course” in trying circumstances, but he seems to have thought a lot about what he wants to do, and spoken to others (including his college counselor–who is wonderful–yesterday), and I’m just not willing to push him if he feels that he’ll be that much better off waiting it out a year and taking what lessons, etc., he can. Who knows? Maybe overnight he’ll decide that he wants to start in the fall, but I’ve really learned the value over the years of holding back and letting things work themselves out as they will. More often than not, when I intervene too much in a given situation, it backfires. I think it will be OK.
Composers need to get their pieces played, in order to learn. The easiest place for that to happen is a school. A conservatory prep program might be helpful, but the resources of a conservatory, including musicians, professors, instruments, studios and audience, are hard to replicate.
I have a friend who gave her daughter Xanax in the week before she left for college. I remember thinking that if the daughter was that anxious, maybe she should stay home. But within a couple of weeks she was fine there, and she has since gotten a PhD and is a tenured professor. It’s just so hard for us parents to tell.
I think a heart to heart conversation with someone at Purchase would ensure that the decision is a thorough one.
ps AsMother, we crossposted so I did not see your post before posting mine.
@GoForth --My son does seem to have some ideas on how he’d like to pursue his studies during his gap year–he knows of several good teachers, etc. I think he’ll keep rolling either way! 
One thing about him is that, as far as music is concerned, his focus and work ethic are incredible (if he were like that in other areas of his life he’d run the world!). That’s actually how he got to the point at which he was able to audition for and get accepted into those schools after playing jazz for just a little over a year and a half, with almost no formal training except for a lesson here and there. So I’m not really afraid that he’ll lose ground musically–he knows what he wants to accomplish and, apparently, good ways to get there, and he just works so hard. I’m more concerned about any additional down-time he has, and how he’ll organize that in a healthy and productive way (I’ve been very clear that he can’t stay in his pajamas in his room for days, just practicing–he needs to get out into the world now and then!).
@compmom , again, if anxiety were the only issue I’d be more inclined to agree with you. But it’s a bit riskier than that. And xanax can be quite addictive, so I’d prefer not to start him down that road if we can avoid it. I did suggest to him that perhaps the symphonic band at his high school might be willing to perform one or two of his pieces next year if he asks them. I’m not sure how that works…
I wasn’t suggesting Xanax!!! That was an anecdote about a parent sending an anxious kid forward when I would have kept the kid home, and that parent was right to do so in the end…and I said it was so hard for us to tell. No I would never suggest Xanax in your situation.
Sorry–I misinterpreted! I think I need some real sleep that doesn’t include waking up in a panic myself at 2 a.m.!
@AsMother - I asked for a whiteboard for a gift. I got one in December. I drew 6 columns by three rows (18 months of timeline). I put in what I considered “major” events, like “xyz summer camp”, “college auditions”, “retake ACT”, “college decisions due”, “major concert at abc”. It is in the living room - how I got away with this, I do not know. Four months have been erased so far as time marches on. It shows us things that were… things that are… and some things…that have not yet come to pass.
@GoForth I’m so impressed with your organizational skills. (I’m glad there’s no whiteboard in my own living room, but still impressed!)
@AsMother I have been reading this thread and just wanted to chime in and let you know that the “self doubt” is very common especially for one about to enter college. Unfortunately, I think it is pretty common for a musician in general. It’s what makes some strive to become better. It’s how they deal with that doubt that will determine their success. My son just finished his first year at Betklee and I remember at Convocation in the fall a speaker telling the students “you are good enough to be here, we didn’t make a mistake”. It’s very common and most of the students feel this way! There will always be people more talented, the important thing is for your son to find his lane and not worry about the people around him. Like others have said, if he wasn’t good enough, the schools would not have accepted him. Perhaps, he wishes he had applied to more schools? If that’s the case, I certainly wouldn’t sign a contract. Who knows what he might discover during a gap year and would hate for him to be stuck going somewhere he really didn’t want to go. Just a suggestion, having a year of college behind my son, I would have my son take some Liberal Arts classes at a Community College to get them out of the way so that when he does start somewhere he has some classes under his belt and can focus more on music. Or perhaps take some CLEP tests. You will have to check with the different schools to see what they will accept. Good luck! It’s not easy when our children aren’t happy.
@AsMother wow, this must have been a challenging week or so. You are handling it admirably. I don’t think I would do as well in your shoes. Ultimately you know your child best. I know there have been many decisions over the last 17+ years that we have made as parents (when DS was younger) and along with DS that we fretted over a lot but ultimately almost all of the decisions we made turned out to be the right choice for our specific kid. Good luck for the coming year to you and your son!
I sought short term counseling for myself in a similar situation that involved a child with a certain talent (not music) and a new onset depression. I felt it was important to keep the child’s momentum moving forward despite so many worries.
In your case, moving the child’s momentum forward may or may not include Purchase next fall, but I think, honestly, having someone to talk to yourself would be more helpful than this forum. And perhaps a meeting with your son and his therapist as well.
I see this deferral as a serious decision, and one that should made only after the most deliberative process. It would seem that the deferral was requested impulsively, in order to get relief from anxiety, and that is often followed by regret. I think you can help your son by convincing him to take the time to make sure this decision is the right one.
Also, it may be that Purchase will allow him to decide late in the summer, when things may have changed. And it would be great for him to hear his admission affirmed by someone, and also confirmation that composition can be explored even if he enters for performance.
We want to protect our kids, and we want to honor their autonomy too. But there are times when we need to give more, um, assertive guidance. It is hard to tell when and how and that’s why I think this might be slowed down and outside help might be the best path.
That’s all from me, promise!
Thanks again, everyone, for your input. My son’s father is coming down today for the graduation this Saturday, and it’s going to be a very busy few days. I honestly don’t know if my son has returned the deferral contract yet; I haven’t seen him for a few days (he boards during the week at his school, and comes home on weekends, etc.). We’ve only communicated via text, so I haven’t had a chance to really see his demeanor and find out how he’s feeling about all of this now. I’m picking him up this afternoon.
Again, if I had my preference he would start school in the fall. And yes, @compmom , his history with depression certainly plays a role in my thinking about how to proceed, but there is no way in the world that I would want to hold him back if HE felt that he was ready. But at this point he very definitely does not feel ready, and I need to respect that. He knows that his reluctance is based both on his feelings of being “unready” musically (although I agree with you all that that is very much not likely to be the case, and that it’s not an uncommon feeling), AND on his health issues (and that’s how he framed his deferral request). I do not want to second-guess anyone’s assessment of his or her mental health, especially my son’s.
If he changes his mind again and decides that the deferral would be a mistake, and there’s time to “un-do” it, I’ll be fine with that. But it HAS to come from him. On this I absolutely have to trust my instincts as his mother. Perhaps I’m wrong, and working on my own fears, but, as many of you have said, it will work out just fine either way. Pretty much the only times when things have gone really awry have been when I went against his and my own instincts and pushed and interfered too much.
As parents we all think we have more control then we do (at least I know I do).
One thing I have noticed in all of this…is your son seems to be driving it as he should (and if that includes his depression or not who knows right now). He is an adult. He is young with a life time to make adjustments. He truly has nothing to lose that can’t be regained. And maybe he knows better than all of us…or not. But so what.
I vote that you leave it in your son’s hands for now, have blind faith that he knows what he is doing, and enjoy graduation.
There was a suggestion above that he take community. college classes. Do not let him do this without checking with Purchase. Or if he wants to apply elsewhere as an incoming freshman, don’t do it. It can jeopardize his standing as a true freshman, and could affect his status for merit or need based aid.
Thanks, @intparent . There’s actually no danger whatsoever of his taking any classes other than music (although I appreciate the suggestion from @rockinmomab )! He’s really been looking forward so much to be able to concentrate on practicing and writing music, with no academic distractions! And I know he’ll do it. Cleaning his room, not so much.
@bridgenail , everything’s been so crazy this week that the graduation (not to mention the whole “adult” idea!) has almost gotten lost in the tumult! I can’t believe it’s happening, and thank you for the good wishes. (He doesn’t know it, but tomorrow he’s also getting an award from his school–something, I assume, to do with the arts. A few days ago he was in such a terrible place that he was going on about how there was no way that HE would ever get an award, that he never does, etc., etc. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when they call his name!)
Yes, I said to check with the school first. I know a lot of kids who took CLEP tests and/or college classes over the summer before Freshmen year and there were no issues but you must check each schools websites to see what is accepted.
But if he decides to go elsewhere, it could jeopardize that application process. But it sounds like it is not an issue at the moment.
One thing I would bring up and address is his desire to do film scores. I have two friends, both my age so in their 50’s, who went to music schools with film scoring aspirations, including degrees/diplomas from UMich, Berklee, BoCo and UCLA to that end. They both did stints in LA and left, quite disillusioned. Not saying it can’t be done, just that the odds are tough, so probably important to have wider career goals if you’re going into composition. Also, FWIW, the friend who did his studies on the east coast would say that you need to be one the west coast to have any chance at all, mostly to make any and all connections you can.
Thanks, @ScreenName48105 . I have told him that it’s an incredibly competitive field, and I think he had an idea that that was the case anyway. I think that at this point he’s just thinking about his options. He mentioned film scoring because, as he said, “It would be a way to make money without having to sacrifice his musical intergrity.” I don’t know if either side of that equation is true, but he’s got some time to look into it more and consider what he wants to do.