Starting from scratch as a parent, and looking for advice.

Parents Forum
1

<p>I am a first time mom of a 10 month old, and although I know it's a bit absurd to be posting on a college forum at this point, I have to ask...</p>

<p>If you could go back in time to when your child was an infant, what would you have done differently, and what would you have kept the same as your child was growing up to ensure a love of learning and a desire to 'reach for the stars' academically?</p>

<p>I was a very average student in high school and ended up attending a state university simply because I knew it was an 'easy-in'. My parents never pushed me at all (neither attended college) and putting forth any extra effort towards getting into a good school never really entered my mind as a teen. </p>

<p>Obviously as a new mom, I have all sorts of hopes and dreams for my son, and I very much want him to develop a love of learning at an early age that will carry him all the way through to being able attend his college of choice. (Harvard or Yale would be just fine by me.) ;) </p>

<p>Seriously though, I know not to be overbearing about this with him, but any advise (both general and specific) towards reaching this goal from parents who have "been there, done that" is warmly welcomed.</p>

2

<p>Do you now have a love of learning yourself? That would be the most obvious thing. Cultivate a love of learning for yourself and your child will imitate that. </p>

<p>Other than that, read to your child every day to start.</p>

3

<p>If you could go back in time to when your child was an infant, what would you have done differently,</p>

<p>I would have made sure that even though I was nursing my kids- that I also had others give them bottles so I could get out of the house/have my body to myself once in a while.</p>

4

<p>Annie, the love of learning part is easy, it's the money part that's hard. If I could do it all over, I would have planned better financially and regularly invested money in sheltered, college savings accounts, especially when my kids were young. Go read the "How are you saving for your kid's education" thread at <a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=364286%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=364286&lt;/a> and find the posts from the people who started when their kids were infants. I am sure you can find calculators on the internet that will help you get a sense of what you should be saving.</p>

<p>Keep in mind that because of the way interest compounds, the more you can put away early, the better. In other words, $1000 invested right now is going to be worth a LOT more in 17 years than the $1000 you come up with when your kid is 15.</p>

<p>I do think that as your son gets older, knowing that you have saved for college will encourage him academically -- it is a way of demonstrating in concrete terms that you truly value education, and it will let him know that he can dare to dream, even if you are living a middle class lifestyle and most of his classmates expect to attend the local community college.</p>

5

<p>I am glad that we homeschooled our children and would do it again. They each had different passions, and because they had time to pursue those, they learned without even knowing they were learning.</p>

<p>For instance, S1 was fascinated with exotic animals. We moved to some acreage when he was 13, and H helped him build a 1 acre pen with 8 ft. fencing. S1 did tons of research (learning) and decided he wanted to raise Axis deer. He looked for contacts of people raising these deer, called them for info, and arranged to buy a few deer to start with. He cared for the deer and bottle-fed some of the fawns so that he could sell them to petting zoos.</p>

<p>We did all the traditional school subjects too, but he learned more from his deer ranching than from practically anything. He learned how to learn. He learned how to do business with adults. He learned how to work hard. I don't know whether S1 could have gotten into a more prestigious school. He wanted to attend Texas A&M (where his dad went) which has a large ROTC program. He is making excellent grades there and has had some neat leadership opportunities in ROTC. He wouldn't change a thing.</p>

<p>S2 developed an interest in filmmaking at about 13. We encouraged him in that, and .....well, I could go on and on....but it's a similar story to his older brother's. Not only will he be academically prepared for college, he will be prepared to be a go getter and knows how to identify what he needs to know and doesn't and then how to go find that information. He is a rising senior and hopes to get into one of the top film schools, so we'll see what happens with that.</p>

<p>Also, both boys were heavily involved in YMCA Youth & Government and Civil Air Patrol and were able to put more time into that than most of the public schooled kids could.</p>

<p>D1 was never interested in a college education. She is a free spirit. She loves music, literature, poetry, and art, and pursued her studies of those things in high school. She worked various jobs after high school (including teaching English in S. Korea for a time) and was recently married. She was as well-prepared for college as her brothers were (well....except for math....let's not go there), but it just wasn't what she wanted to do.</p>

<p>You asked about things we'd have done differently, and in our D's case, perhaps we should have done more to create the expectation that she would go to college. We might should have pushed her more. However....she's happy....she's intelligent....and she has no regrets about not attending college, so perhaps that should be good enough.</p>

6

<p>What I'd repeat: the 4 most important components of how I brought up my kids:</p>

<p>1) FAMILY DINNER TALK is more important to develop values and critical thinking than most after-school enrichment activities, so keep it as a priority when scheduling up sports, lessons etc. Also, no TV where we ate. </p>

<p>2) PARTICIPATE REGULARLY IN SOMETHING LARGER THAN YOUR NUCLEAR FAMILY, whether that means church, temple, charitable community activities, volunteering together. It's not academic but will teach your child to go to other people as resources, which is actually very important even at Harvard and Yale. </p>

<p>3) MUSEUMS, PLAYS, CONCERTS, PUPPET SHOWS...I love them so I guess it filtered down to my kids. </p>

<p>4) Teach your child to respect the school they attend, even if it isn't perfect. Understand that no school will entirely educate your kid, but that you are in partnership with the school. Bashing teachers and schools at home, even when they deserve it, doesn't engender love of learning but just makes kids rude and surly at school. </p>

<p>What I wish I'd done better: Volunteer more at the school. I was always too busy at work, but I wish I'd known more of the other families at the schools.</p>

7

<p>I would have found some way to politely refuse the Nintendo his grandparents bought S when he was four. Although he was already reading at the time, I think books would have been an even bigger part of his life (as they were of mine) without those darn video games.</p>

<p>And I'd have given him at least one sibling. He's a great kid and doesn't regret being an "only", but I feel that he's missed out on something that can be wonderful.</p>

<p>Other than that, I can only second the great advice above. Congratulations and good luck!</p>

8

<p>Lots of exposure and lessons in music, performing and fine arts; family emphasis on reading, lots of talking and discussion, open lines of communication; not authoratative or overprotective helicopter parenting, a long leash, but a leash nonetheless, not being afraid to let kids learn from their mistakes and fall, efforts to help develop independence.</p>

<p>These are the things we did right, and I would do again. We made some booboos too, but for the most, I am pretty darn happy with how things have turned out.</p>

9

<p>Travel</p>

<p>It does not have to be far exotic locations, locally helps also. But when traveling especially in tourist areas, take some time to see how the "regular folk" live. It will give your child an appreciation not only for the life that they have but for what others have to do just to maintain their day to day.</p>

<p>The importance of learning how to pay it forward and giving of your time and talents.</p>

<p>Your child's sense of worth is not contigent on him attending Harvard or Yale. Who he is makes a difference and his gifts (what ever they manifest themselves to be) will make room for him.</p>

<p>Teach your child that he is not out there alone because it really does take a village to raise a child. Build a good network of villagers who can suport and be supportive of your son. You never meet anyone by accident. Sometimes you will speak to someone only once and they will leave you with an important life lesson.</p>

<p>Some life lessons are timeless:</p>

<p>Max Ehrmann's -Desiderata</p>

<p>Rudyard Kipling's - If </p>

<p>Dr. Seuss- The Places You'll Go</p>

<p>Robert Fulghum- All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.</p>

10

<p>Make sure that it is obvious to your child from your family's actions (not necessarily words) that school is a top family priority. For example,</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Both parents should go to every parent-teacher conference, no matter how difficult it is to schedule this.</p></li>
<li><p>Don't pull your child out of school for a week to go to Disney World. Yes, it's less crowded there during the school year, but think of the message that you're sending.</p></li>
<li><p>Make sure that there is time in each day's schedule for homework. If your child asks for permission to play at a friend's house after school on Wednesday afternoon but he has a soccer game on Wednesday evening, your answer should be no because there would be no time for homework. Work with the kids to schedule the play date on a different day instead.</p></li>
<li><p>If your child needs to go to the library to do research for a school project or to the craft store to get the materials for that project, those errands take priority over whatever else you had planned.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>You get the idea.</p>

11

<p>Play, sing, read and interact with your child. Give him plenty of exposure to places like the zoo, interactive museums, etc. Resist using the t.v. as a babysitter at all costs. Encourage creative play. Take nature walks. A true love of learning comes from self directed discovery.</p>

12

<p>Don't be sucked into the Baby einstein fans....they just want fancy babysitters. YOu need to turn the t.v. off when the child is awake. or at least do not encourage t.v. for him or her. </p>

<p>Put a small table and chairs in your kitchen or family room, with lots of markers, crayons etc. </p>

<p>Use picture books such as Richard Scary. Sit and read with child.</p>

<p>World book had a great set of books/tapes (cassette), activity cards that they child could grow with.....</p>

<p>Involve your child in your daily chores....</p>

<p>Above all, give your child YOUR time, YOUR attention. Sacrifice for that even if that means giving up the fancy way of life. YOu can't substitute the attention of a mother/father for a paid child giver for the first few years.</p>

<p>hold on tight, enjoy because in a blink of an eye they are off to college.</p>

13

<p>Sing in the car with your family, even if you can't carry a tune.</p>

<p>Read in front of your child, and read to your child every day. When your child gets bigger, have him take turns reading to you.</p>

<p>Talk. When you're in the car, talk about the cows you see on the side of the road and the leaves on the trees.</p>

<p>Be honest. If you are honest with your child, your child will likely be honest with you.</p>

<p>Spend time with extended family if possible. No one can ever have too much love.</p>

<p>Give your child responsibility as he grows and can handle it.</p>

<p>Frankly, you should be on a new parents board, not on a college discussion board. Calmom is absolutely right. Start saving for college now and the rest will fall into place. If you are concerned about college now, your child will be feeling your stress throughout the next eighteen years.</p>

<p>Enjoy the time with your child. It goes way too fast. </p>

<p>If I could do one thing over, I would slow time down.</p>

14

<p>what would I do differently?<br>
Be easier on my first born.</p>

15

<p>Go forward with the attitude towards schooling/education that "it's OK to be smart"
Surround your child with books/visual materials/stimulating activities/cultural activities/exposure to other places,other cultures
Your intellectual curiousity will rub off on them
Have conversations with them,ask open ended questions for them to answer.Respect their opinions.
Foster independence through activities
Enjoy them while you have them!!!!
I think you are a caring Mom to come here and ask for opinions!
Have a great life with your new little one!!!</p>

16

<p>There are a couple of suggestions I would add:
1. READ, READ, READ!!! Reading books will take your child to places and times that he cannot go to on his own. He will learn so much and hopefully it will instill a love of reading and learning he will carry for the rest of his life.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Let your child fail. Letting your child experience the consequences of his actions at a young age when those consequences are not so severe will teach him to make good choices.</p></li>
<li><p>Let your child be who he is and not necessarily what you want him to be. I have tried :) not to let my own perceptions of my children determine who they are going to be. Example - D1 was VERY shy as a preschooler. When she was at preschool she literally never left the teacher's side. The teacher was concerned about her development. I never called her shy or referred to her as shy. Now as a rising senior she is a very outgoing, self-confident young lady ready to take on the world. 15 years ago I would never have thought she would turn out this way. Do not live vicariously through your children. You had your turn it is now theirs.</p></li>
<li><p>Encourage them to care about and for his fellow man. Do community projects either through church or your local government. It will broaden his perspective of the world and will help him realize that he is so lucky to have caring parents :) </p></li>
</ol>

<p>There is probable a lot more but that's a start.
One last thing - hug him and tell him you love him everyday.</p>

17

<p>Atlmom - same here.</p>

<p>I have always set boundary with my kids. Even when they were just toddlers, they knew after 8pm it was "mommy time". Before 8 I was at their disposal, but after 8 it was my time. When my oldest was 6, she finally asked me what I did during mommy time. I never ate their left overs (many parents may think it's strange...) - to watch weight and to let them know that we do not come after them. We took our kids every where, and we ate together almost night (no special meal for them and they had to sit until we were all finished). Even now, our 18 year old is home for dinner unless it's some special pre-planned event. </p>

<p>We are all more than just a mom/dad, and many of us have accomplished a lot at work(paid or not paid). But my kids know that my proudest accomplishment is them and the most rewarding thing I have done is to be their parent. I hope it gives them a sense of security and worthiness.</p>

18

<p>Play music all the time. Good music, have it in the background. I LOVE the cable music stations (quasi-radio) and keep mine on classical, jazz, or new age all day, depending on the time of day and mood. Wish this was around when my kids were young! Having good music in the background will help your kids develop an ear for good music.</p>

<p>If you play the piano, play it with your kids around. Let your baby sit next to you and watch. Let him pound himself. Make it fun. Whatever you do, don't say "Don't touch!" when your baby wants to pound on piano keys (like I see lots of parents do, and I cringe!).</p>

<p>PS Just be careful of the fall board on some pianos- they can come slamming down on little fingers.</p>

19

<p>Have some quiet down-time every day if possible. Kids don't need to be on-the-go 24/7 and neither do parents.</p>

<p>Don't get fixated on any one set of colleges for your kid(s).</p>

<p>Don't bad-mouth your child's teacher, school or other parent in your child's presence. Unless the person or environment is abusive (in which case you need to remove your child) there is nothing to be gained and a lot to be lost by careless negativity.</p>

<p>More book time, less tv time.</p>

<p>I agree with not taking a child out of school for Disney, but an educational travel experience is priceless and your child will bring those experiences back to enrich the classroom discussion.</p>

20

<p>You cannot do it all, but I agree with all of #16. Also, if you can introduce music or art as some have suggested, it would be wonderful. You can start by taking a toddler to a music store and "renting" used instruments for a week. It won't cost much (at least at our local music store it does not), and then trade in that instrument for another. If you are fluent in a foreign language that can be spoken at home it is wonderful. My parents did this with me, and only introduced English at age 3.5 (for preschool). I can understand and speak (not so well any longer, but enough to get by) without having had any formal education in that language.</p>

<p>Again, I agree with #16, READ, READ, READ to your child!</p>