Step Parent Responsibilities

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<p>I wouldn’t suggest what you should so … but I know what I would do </p>

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<li><p>I would make sure I had retirement covered</p></li>
<li><p>That said I do not believe in the “retirement first” savings plan … I believe in the “retirement by 62” savings plan … IMO life does not occur in the right order to save for retirement first … the big gotcha is the kids college expenses typically occur before retirement … so I have a retirement savings plan that lets us retire at 62 (or whatever your target age is)</p></li>
<li><p>We made sure we had the mortgage paid off by a target date</p></li>
<li><p>Given the financial needs for first two goals the remaining “free” cash flow can be used for college funds</p></li>
<li><p>I would then plan so that all 4 siblings have essentially equal funding for college … equal does not mean even amounts … but even level of funding; we can pay for our in-state flagship … or we can pay 2/3rds of a full-pay … or etc. This approach will require more money for the younger kids.</p></li>
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<p>That’s how I would do it … it I were a step parent I would HATE treating my step-kids differently among the siblings. For those who would treat them differently I can see doing something like asking the step kids to get the federally subsidized loans and not make this requirement of the joint kids … (and frankly we hope the Mom would provide to avoid the loans).</p>

<p>PS - this is what we did for our kids … granted without the complication of step-kids</p>

<p>OP, to me it seems like you haven’t really figured out the full picture. You don’t seem uncaring, just really really concerned about retirement, and possibly realizing you have married someone whose spending priorities don’t really mesh well with yours.</p>

<p>I also don’t necessarily think you’re putting bio kids ahead of step kids. You are just putting younger kids in a better position because you are starting early with them. I would hope you’re contributing equally to both at this point, and might recognize that the older ones deserve some catchup contributions.</p>

<p>You put a HIGH value on being debt free. I get that. However, college is one of the few things that might be worth a modest amount of debt because the way it’s set up, much like with mortgages for houses, is that they really expect you take some loans if you don’t want to let your cash go. I do mean modest though. To throw around the divorce word if your husband takes any loans is a serious overreaction in my view. You can make unilateral pronouncements about your retirement money, but tying his hands without even considering what would be reasonable just seems cruel.</p>

<p>A few have pointed out that your marriage is contributing to the kids not having a financial situation that would let them attend at least some colleges. If you had never married their dad they would have his lower income and lack of savings for the formulas. They would also probably have a willingness on his part to take basic loans.</p>

<p>You can’t just fix this by divorcing him either. If you live there your income still counts. If he has savings for his younger kids college educations, those will count too.</p>

<p>Merit Aid is a great option as are lower priced schools in your area, but I wouldn’t take any options off to table at this point until you are sure you really understand all the aspects of the problem.</p>

<p>Kayf, here are some of the things OP said (and she said they don’t share finances)</p>

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<p>I would like to know if they REALLY dont share finances – eg, does she live in a house that dad pays for. Becuase if she does, guess what, they DO share finances.</p>

<p>AND – she stil has to think about that HER INCOME AND HER ASSETS may preclude kid from getting aid.</p>

<p>kayf, she says this about finances:</p>

<p>*Dh and I keep all of our financial assets separate. The only shared item is the mortgage and one vehicle. That was our decision and it has worked well.</p>

<p>I do support my stepkids-- financially and emotionally. I am the one who runs them around to their activities just as much, if not more than, their father. I financially support our household at least 50% of everthing that we pay for.</p>

<p>I also didn’t say that I am not going to contribute anything-- simply that I am not going to pay 50-100% of the tuition cost or take out loans for it. I have no problem kicking in $5K or so a year (me-- just me, not DH) but that is not going to cover tuition costs. *</p>

<p>Happymom has already posted the list of guaranteed merit scholarships which may help the OP. I hope the OP understands that having a low or high EFC means little at most schools since it only determines the ability to get a Pell Grant and Stafford loan. Certainly it CAN make a difference at some schools that have institutional FA to provide, but even in that case it’s usually limited except at the most competitive schools.</p>

<p>The OP has left the building, and probably isn’t coming back, not as calamity, anyway.</p>

<p>Hopefully she will be able to find some good ideas and good options browsing around on the finaid board. If you can’t find wisdom there? You probably can’t find it.</p>

<p>I hope it all works out.</p>

<p>She basically said the same thing about her bio kids as she did about the step kids. Only difference is the bio kids will have a longer saving time for college.</p>

<p>I also do not think the OP is a monster. I think her concerns are quite legitimate. Paying full-rack private college tuitions for four children will approach or exceed one million dollars. She is right to be concerned about money and about unrealistic expectations. I don’t think it’s possible to guarantee absolute financial equality among children for college expenditures when you don’t know what the future will bring. You have to take care of your own retirement and savings first.</p>

<p>My sister was in a similar situation; married a very nice man with zero financial acumen, an inadequate ex-wife, and two teenage children. She provided a lot of stability, nutritious home cooked food, homework help, teacher conferences, laundry, clothes, car trips, etc. for the kids that even their own mother did not provide. She did this while working full-time and commuting to Manhattan. When college rolled around, the kids declared their mother the one with primary custody (for FAFSA purposes) and took out Staffords. They went to state schools. It worked out fine. I see no reason why my sister should have been on the hook financially or ethically to provide a private college education for her stepsons just because she married their father.</p>

1 Like

<p>I did not read every post, but I will chime in and say that growing up in a household as one of two children of the married unit and having one older stepbrother, I think it is really difficult to be a stepparent. I do not think that I could be fair although I would want to be.</p>

<p>The OP and spouse have kept things separately, so it makes sense that she was shocked when she found out about the non-existent college funds. The tone of the early posts did come across differently than OP intended, I think. </p>

<p>The search for merit money is the job of whomever has the most to gain from success in this area. I did the search for my DD and she had what I would consider great success. So my advice to the OP? Take a look at my personal favorite: Pitt. And look at Wash U in St. Louis, which has some scholarships that are specifically for Hispanic students. Good luck to the OP and her entire family.</p>

<p>I still can’t figure out – does dad pay mortgage, and SM THINKS THAT IS sharing??? </p>

<p>She runs errands, I get that.</p>

<p>I think they split the mortgage and the referenced car payment.</p>

<p>MdMom,</p>

<p>You may think that they share mortgage, I would like to hear that from OP. </p>

<p>My experience is that in general, men earn more than women, yet women expect that more money will be spent for their kids.</p>

<p>Read post #12. I have not figured out how to paste just a sentence on this iPad.;)</p>

<p>My Quote:
I strongly feel that parents need to “do for one as they would do for the others”.
I guess I’m a terrible parent, too, because I didn’t do that. I did the best I could for all of them at each age of their lives and each age of mine.</p>

<p>Zoosermom Quote:
My daughter understands that her kids will likely get young, affluent, involved grandparents. That won’t be the case with my son. My daughter understands that money was tight when she went to college (we had childcare expenses) but is still happy with result, despite having had a budget. My son will come to understand that money is a lot more plentiful in his college years if for no other reason than that his sisters will be finished with college.</p>

<p>Zooser…surely you can understand a huge difference between not having much money to do for a first born as you can for the baby of the family and what’s going on in the OP’s situation. This is not a situation where the parents are determined to do whatever they can to get the older two thru college. The OP has threatened to divorce her H if he takes out loans to help pay for their college. Whether the OP is playing favorites or not, it will appear that way to the SDs.</p>

<p>What you’ve described in your family’s situation is that at each stage in life, the parents did the very best they could with whatever they had at the time. That is what families do.</p>

1 Like

<p>Md, yes I read post 12. They "share"mortgage. I would like to know how they share. We havent heard from OP re how they share.</p>

<p>I agree with Kayf. There is much missing info here. What exactly does “share” mean? What about the utilities? Who pays those? Gas for the shared car? What about food? Do they buy separate groceries for each member of the family? Do the “shared” kids get a larger “share” of the support?</p>

<p>One way to solve this would be to have the kids go and live with the bio mom for the full year before college apps go out. Then they could list bio mom ONLY on the FAFSA. Maybe this would benefit the kids financially…unless the bio mom has a large income and a spouse. Regardless…the dad’s wife would not be listed on the FAFSA if the MOM becomes the custodial parent.</p>

<p>Well, anyway, she says she splits expenses 50-50. </p>

<p>Blended families have so many strange challenges.</p>

<p>Thumper, thank you. That OP has not responded to specific inquiries of mine speaks volumes. I really think, imvho, that those of you who have not dealt with divorce and remarriage may not understand the nuances. </p>

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<p>I wish the moderators could sticky a post re divorced parents.</p>

<p>There are different types of aid.</p>

<ol>
<li>Federal</li>
<li>Institutional</li>
<li><p>Other – maybe included in above, athletic, etc. </p></li>
<li><p>Federal - FAFSA will ask information of the CP (AND SPOUSE, IF ANY - IE STEPPARENT OF CP). If that household puts kid over federal aid limit, kid will not get aid. </p></li>
<li><p>Instituitional – In general CSS will ask information of CP and NCP (AND BOTH SPOUSES – IE STEPPARENTS). It may be possible to get NCP waiver IF kid can document that NCP has not been active in kids life. Not always easy. </p></li>
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<p>In short, if you marry a parent of a kid, the kid may not be able to get finacial aid, EVEN IF YOU THINK SIMILIAR KIDS GET AID.</p>

<p>Poet, I hate the phrase “blended families” The kid had no choice in the parents remarriage. </p>

<p>I didnt see 50/5o, what post was that.</p>