Step Parent Responsibilities

Parents Forum
41

<p>Calamity4e -</p>

<p>I don’t know why your husband had no college funds for his kids, but I do know why we didn’t and why many other families don’t: we didn’t have the spare change. Not because we were being deliberately neglectful. Many intact families have large differences in the amount of money that proves to be available for different children’s educations - especially when there are large differences in the children’s ages. </p>

<p>You need to sit down with your husband and address this issue calmly. What can your family afford? Do the children have the grades, exam scores, and/or special talents that could earn them some scholarship money? I get it that loans are out for you and your husband, but how do the two of you feel about the children taking on some college debt for themselves? How much money do you think they should be earning in their vacations and during the school years? How do you feel about them having part-time jobs now?</p>

<p>Once you and your husband are on the same page about this, you can let the children know that what you two will contribute is $X each year, and that they need to come up with the rest. They do not need to know that $5k (or whatever) each year is from your paycheck and the rest is from their dad’s paycheck. They need to know the total amount. Whether or not the FAFSA calculations or an individual college/university’s calculations conclude that your family can “afford” more than $X is immaterial. What matters is that you children know that their figure is $X. FYI: Our FAFSA EFC is nearly 4 times what we can afford, so telling your kid that there is a strict budget limit is something that I’ve been through myself.</p>

<p>With the budget in place, they can look around for colleges and universities that will work for them. Maybe that affordable place is your local community college. Maybe it is a public university that is within commuting distance. Maybe it is a public U in another town where they will have to live on campus. Maybe it is a famous-name university or LAC. Perhaps through some combination of merit- and/or talent-based scholarships they will be able to attend their “dream” school.</p>

<p>And guess what? If you can have this honest arrangement with the older children, when it comes time for the younger children to look at colleges and universities they will know that living within their budget is just part of the deal. Those college funds you are working so hard to fill up, will go even farther than originally expected.</p>

<p>For useful ideas on paying for college, spend some time in the Financial Aid Forum. Lots of good threads there on merit-based scholarships. And, next time you are at the library, pick up copies of “Paying For College Without Going Broke” and “Debt-Free U”. Both nice solid reads on the issue.</p>

<p>Wishing you and your family all the best as you face the challenge of paying for the children’s educations!</p>

1 Like
42

<p>OP - Keep in mind that money that you & H save for “joint” children can be counted as assets on financial aid forms for the older kids reducing their “need” even further. On CSS Profile any money saved in ESAs must be reported because the beneficiary can be changed.</p>

43

<p>

</p>

<p>Well, given the stats you’ve just given for her, she’s clearly responsible and bright, and you guys need to sit down with her, whether she wants to or not, and go over the financial realities of the situation, as they exist, not as she wishes they existed.</p>

<p>You won’t be the first parents to have to do this, and you won’t be the first parents to face an angry teenager who just wants his/her parents to borrow the 250,000 already and ‘send me to…’</p>

<p>What you might face, which could turn out to be a problem, is an accpetance to somewhere she would have gotten good fin-aid to, if you wern’t in the picture, and that could be tricky, down the road. But, you know what? burn that bridge after you jump off of it. </p>

<p>As for right now, sit down with your husband, not your daughter (and having had step parents, I can tell you I have a much better feeling toward the one who didn’t use the word step, in relation to me, just fyi), and you and he figure it out. </p>

<p>THEN, the two of you sit down with her, papers and whatnot in hand, and let her know, together. </p>

<p>That’s my suggestion from someone who has been on the other side of this, but is now a parent.</p>

44

<p>Calamity…the calculations are for a FAMILY contribution…not a bio parent contribution. When you married your spouse…you became a member of the family. </p>

<p>Presumably you are contributing to the household expenses and the like. Perhaps this will free up some of the dad’s income to go towards paying some of the college costs for his children.</p>

<p>Just for the record MOST kids don’t have college funds. MOST families do not have college savings. Yes, you were wise to do so…but the vast majority of kids do not have these funds available to them.</p>

<p>Yes…you can get a divorce. I’m sure you wouldn’t be the first one to do so to avoid having to divulge your income on financial aid forms for a spouse’s kids.</p>

<p>I will say…unless your spouse is earning a very low income AND the schools these kids are applying to meet full need of all accepted students…you MIGHT just be spinning your wheels for no real purpose. The very vast majority of schools do NOT meet the full need of accepted students. Many offer only federally funded need based aid…and that goes to LOW INCOME students only. </p>

<p>If I were you, I would run an online EFC calculator using ONLY your husband’s earnings. Then look at the net price calculators on the school websites, and again…run the numbers (keeping in mind that the NPC are ESTIMATES only). </p>

<p>If the school doesn’t guarantee to meet full need for all eligible students (that would be those below a certain income threshold), this may be a moot point for your family.</p>

45

<p>Calam --so maybe you should get a divorce. On paper or not. Whatever. So the kids could go to college.</p>

46

<p>“So the bio kids should be held back even though their parents had more years to save?”</p>

<p>I would strive to invest the same amount in each child’s college fund over the child’s lifetime, no matter the age at which the fund is opened. Obviously, a fund will grow more in 10 years than it will in 2, but the parents will have made the same contribution of principal. If I were starting out from square one with one kid 2 years away from college and another 10 years from college, then I’d put $5k per year in the older kid’s account and $1k per year in the younger kid’s account, so that the kids graduate from HS having gotten an equal outlay from the parents. (Maybe you’re talking about more or less money than that, but it’s the ratio that matters.) The math would be a little more complicated with four kids, but it’s nothing you’d need a professional for.</p>

<p>Yes, the younger ones will have more money upon HS graduation than their older siblings, but the important thing from an emotional point of view is that the parents offered the same amount of support, and college will be more expensive in inflation-adjusted dollars for the younger ones, anyway.</p>

47

<p>I am having trouble following this thread. Which suggest to me that either I am an idiot (maybe) or that Stepmom is less than forthcoming.</p>

48

<p>I think some people read some of the more inflammatory parts of the posts and skipped over the parts about what she has done, will do and is doing.</p>

49

<p>OP, I understand your dilemma. I am in a similar position, but reversed. I have 2 Ds, and my X is pretty much mia, and has never contributed anything financially and I’m sure won’t for college. I don’t want to saddle my SO with what is my personal responsibility, and that of my X.</p>

1 Like
50

<p>Zooser, if you could summarize, I would appreciate</p>

51

<p>Tough situation. I feel bad for the stepkids (and I did read all of the descriptions of what OP does do for the kids).</p>

<p>The stepkids have a dad that did not save, a biomom that is incapable or unwilling to parent/help, and a step mom that favors her bio kids (which I do not judge, but is clearly the case). These kids have little resources for college and are in high school. Someone needs to get busy researching options - state school, cc for 2 years, merit, whatever immediately! OP and H need to figure out the situation and communicate with all the kids. </p>

<p>OP - your income will hurt your stepkids’ ability to get need aid,which is unfortunate, but not their fault! You married the family, not just the dad.</p>

52

<p>Calamity4e -</p>

<p>Here is one place your SD should start looking for the kind of money she might need for her education:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/848226-important-links-automatic-guaranteed-merit-scholarships.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/848226-important-links-automatic-guaranteed-merit-scholarships.html&lt;/a&gt;
Since she is interested in Med School she needs to know right now that she has got to keep her undergraduate costs down so that any money that might be available for her education can be used to help pay for that ginormous Med School bill. There is almost no financial aid for Med School. People who don’t go through it on Uncle Sam’s nickel because of a military commitment end up paying for it with loans. There are physician parents who have posted here about the difficulties that they are facing paying for their kid’s college educations because they are still paying down their own Med School debt.</p>

<p>If she likes research, she also should read these two older threads. The scholarships themselves may no longer exist, but the techniques for finding them are timeless:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/148852-what-ive-learned-about-full-ride-scholarships.html?highlight=momfromtexas[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/148852-what-ive-learned-about-full-ride-scholarships.html?highlight=momfromtexas&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/291483-update-what-i-learned-about-free-ride-scholarships.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/291483-update-what-i-learned-about-free-ride-scholarships.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

53

<p>I don’t think you are a monter at all. This is exactly why I would never marry a man with children. My children come first and always will come first. It is human nature to take care of your own. People on cc can be quick to judge but they are not the ones having to foot the bill. It is not your fault for the short comings of these kids two other parents. I think you have been brutally honest and have normal feelings. I am sure you very are very frustrated with both the bio mom and dad. </p>

<p>I wish your family the best.</p>

1 Like
54

<p>Having a potential med school student OP and OP’s daughter should know that in filling out financial aid forms for med school (FAFSA and Need Access) will ask for her parents’ income again to determine need. Even though daughter will be a college grad for med school purposes parents’ income again comes into play, especially for med schools meeting need with institutional funds in addition to unit loans, Harvard, Yale, Penn, Cornell…</p>

<p>Kat</p>

55

<p>I don’t think the OP is a monster. I do think that holding on to resentment leads to the destruction of healthy relationships. If the OP isn’t able to get over the idea of the financial impact on the family to put his children as well as their children through college, it may be a wise idea to seriously consider divorce. </p>

<p>Whatever the OP decides to do, I hope she continues to care about the well being of her stepchildren.</p>

56

<p>Please, if you havent been part of a divorce, you may not appreciate the conflicts. I wish OP would restate issues. I am sceptical if she wont.</p>

<p>I would suggest, if college funds were only set up for OPs biokids she should state that CLEARLY.</p>

<p>If OP and her husband shared money and finances, that shared money should be used to support the husbands kids in college. If OP and her husband share money, but only college funds are for HER KIDS, she is a total POS. </p>

<p>If they do not share $$, that is a different issue.</p>

57

<p>So, yes, it will fall to you to help find the merit. It’s not that hard. You’re on CC…that’s a quick tix to finding merit.</p>

<p>SD’s GPA is close to a 4.0-- she has not taken any of the other exams yet. </p>

<p>She is a strong student, she is also Hispanic.</p>

<p>I’m not listing my state after being slammed by so many members on this board.</p>

<p>SD wants to do Premed</p>

<p>======================</p>

<p>Is your SD a junior? If so, then have her take the SAT and ACT so you know what her merit possibilities are …she should take both because she’ll likely do better on one than the other…and the best scores will can often get the best merit.</p>

<p>If she’s a soph, then she needs to take the PSAT next fall at her school…make sure she takes that test.</p>

<p>The reason I asked what state you’re in is because your state schools may be the most affordable with merit. </p>

<p>As for all the financial issues…If your H’s income is high enough, your D may not qualify for any/much aid…even without your income/assets.</p>

1 Like
58

<p>Can someone please summarize what is going on?</p>

59

<p>There is one underlying assumption in this whole conversation that I think needs to be clarified. There are very few schools that meet full need without loans. There are very few schools that meet full need period. A kid with an EFC of zero doesn’t have the options that a kid does whose parents can help and yes, even take out a small amount of loans.</p>

<p>So, while your family’s estimated family contribution will be higher because of your income and savings, unless your step daughter applies to schools that meet full need without loans, there may very well be a problem.</p>

<p>Is she a sophomore or a junior? She needs to study for the SAT and ACT, practice, practice, practice. With her solid GPA and great scores, she should have some options. </p>

<p>I also think you need to take a deep breath, do some reading on this website, get a sense of the reality of merit money and needs based money, make some notes and sit down and talk to your husband first. Then your SD. </p>

<p>But first, I think it is critical that you understand the process. And yes, sexist or not, it is going to be you. </p>

<p>PS – If medical school is really her goal, it is critical that she graduate with as little debt as possible, because medical school is $$$$ and most kids graduate with tremendous debt from that.</p>

60

<p>

</p>

<p>It is very possible she will qualify for some good merit aid assuming her grades continue to be strong and she has good ACT or SAT scores. This will certainly lessen the financial obligation of all the adults involved. </p>

<p>If she can attain National Merit Scholarship finalist status or National Hispanic Scholar status (based on the PSAT scores taken in 11th grade…and I believe the followup SAT scores)…this could open the door for some merit awards at a group of schools that support students who attain this level.</p>