<p>I am still hereÂmy skin is thicker than this.</p>
<p>First, I am extremely frustrated with this situation and with my husband right nowÂso there was/is a lot of venting. I apologize for that.</p>
<p>Secondly, my step kids do not appreciate it when people mistake me for their mom or refer to me as their mom. They prefer the Âstep distinction because despite that their mom is absentÂshe is their mom. I think a lot of it boils down to them feeling insecure in their relationship with her and by calling me mom or me referring to them as Âmy children, that only severs their relationship with her even more.</p>
<p>Originally, DH had shared physical custody and the plan was that the kids would fill out finaid forms living with their mom. In the past year serious issues of physical and emotional abuse involving both courts and therapists have come up. The kids donÂt even see her and I doubt this change to the extent that they will live with her.</p>
<p>Third, I do more than run errands. I work full time. DH and I make the same salary and we split everything 50/50.</p>
<p>We keep our finances separate because that is what an attorney advised me to do before I married DHÂotherwise his EX could have come back and asked him for more money based on him having access to more income.</p>
<p>The primary difference is that coming into our relationship I had more money and no student loans because I managed to get a Ph.D. by working my ass off the whole timeÂand getting grants and fellowships. DH came into the relationship with no real savings, child support, quite a bit of credit card debt, and student loans.</p>
<p>I helped DH pay off his credit card debt and his student loans.</p>
<p>Fourth, I do a lot for my step kidsÂnot in a resentful way but in terms of  this is what you do in any normal family. My work schedule is more flexibleÂI re-arrange my schedule for extracurricular etc. I help with homework, make arrangements for more specialized tutoring if needed, etc. Plus all the normal Âmom things of cooking, cleaning, homework, health, etc.</p>
<p>I know we need to sit down and crunch the numbersÂthat is my frustration. DH is reluctant to do it! I am big on planningÂhim, not so much. I think I finally got through to him last night. He said we can sit down and do it this weekend and talk about the whole situation. I am not happy that my investments will be counted against my step kids in financial aid determinationsÂI agree that it isnÂt fair to them. That is why I suggested to DH we look into getting a legal divorceÂjust on paper. I donÂt have a million dollars saved (I wish!). I may have just enough to pay the bill for medical schoolÂbut then what if DH or I lose our job? Who is paying our mortgage? What if one of us gets sick? And yes, how are we living in our retirement? This is why I donÂt have all of my investments in an actual retirement accountÂI do want it accessible in case of a real emergency. AlsoÂSS is only 2-years younger than SD. If we do all of this for herÂwhat is left for him? How is that fair to him?</p>
<p>We live a pretty frugal life. We have two cars, both paid for, one is a 1998 Civic and our Ânewest is a 2004 OdysseyÂboth purchased used. WeÂre not cruising around in new Beamers.</p>
<p>I am pretty firm in that I can definitely contribute a minimum of $5K a year to SD and then also to SSÂfor their undergrad. I might be able to do more, but I feel confident in the $5 per year for each of them and it is better to plan with what you knowÂand this is more than I contribute to our little girls. I have no idea how much DH can contribute each yearÂpart of the number crunching that needs to be doneÂand HE needs to be part of that. IÂve crunched mine. </p>
<p>All of the kids are treated Âfairly in our home. Whatever that really means. We do our best to provide what each child needs when it is needed and to foresee those needs and plan accordinglyÂat least I do. We just paid $1,300 in tutors to give SD an edge in some math classes. The Âfair thing would be to now set aside $1,300 for each of the other three kids for some kind of educational purpose. I donÂt see that as realistic or feasible for us. Should we have not spent that money on SD since we didnÂt have another $4K to spread out among the other three kids? That doesnÂt really make sense either. We provide what we can to whoever needs it when it is needed.</p>