<p>Thanks for the constructive advice. I am pulling the National Scholars information and looking into prep courses for the presats. SD can do that over the summer. </p>
<p>I find it interesting that people get upset over using “step.” I wonder what my relationship with the kids would be like if I completely disregarded their feelings and referred to them as my children?</p>
<p>Most of DH’s credit card debt was related to his divorce-- recently accrued debt. I know several people who have student loan debt and also have college funds for the kids. DH and his EX were married for 10 years-- in my thinking there was plenty of time for them to start a fund for each of the kids.</p>
<p>I find it interesting that people get upset over using “step.” I wonder what my relationship with the kids would be like if I completely disregarded their feelings and referred to them as my children?</p>
<p>============</p>
<p>I can understand the predicament. I probably would continue to call them “my children” and hope that they get used to it. I would lovingly tell them that they still have a real mom, but as their “at home mom”, that’s what my role is. I hate the word “step”…it just sounds …ugh! </p>
<p>And, I’d get them into counseling.</p>
<p>Well, it probably doesn’t matter at this point whether or not there was plenty of time for them to “start a college fund,” because they didn’t.</p>
<p>You chose to marry the guy and to have kids with him. </p>
<p>I married my husband right out of college, and there have been plenty of surprises over the years. Plenty of ups and downs. This is marriage.</p>
<p>Right. At this point it really doesn’t matter that they had plenty of time to start a college fund-- because they didn’t. It is a mute point that isn’t discussed because what would be the point.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids-- I get what you are saying about the “step.” Lots of people seem to have that reaction- but not my stepkids. We do what we feel is in their best interest. If they wanted me to drop the “step” I would and they know that. </p>
<p>At this point I thank everyone who has provided me with some very constructive and concrete suggestions. I am following up on those. I really don’t see the point in continuing the discussion as more of it seems to be about differing opinons in how step families should exist. This is my last post on this thread. Thanks again.</p>
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<p>Not sure if you have ever been part of a “step family mix” or not, but no one can fault the OP for how she feels. Being a step mom is tough business especially when a dead beat parent, or even in this case an abusive parent is held idol. Put yourself in OPs shoes for even a second. She has been nothing but a supportive and loving mom to these kids. And in turn, these kids (and I don’t care if this is a kid issue or not…it still hurts) make sure she knows what the pecking order is. They will grow to see that she was a rock for them, but right now she feels like she is being hit with stones. So until anyone walks in those shoes, being judgmental is just plain wrong. I am in no way saying these kids should call her mom, but they should certainly respect her, and certainly have a little compassion for what she feels when she pours her love and energy into being a great parent only to have no gratitude. Yes, she chose this family, but that does not excuse rudeness and poor behavior on the part of the step kids. She is bound to these children through her own, and she has been there as mom, coach and friend, and sometimes, just sometimes…it would be nice if it was acknowledged. So I am going to stand in the OPs corner and tell the slammers to back off. If you take the time to read what she wrote, especially “less” the venting, you will see she is doing most things right. You can never parent every child exactly the same. No matter how fair you are, someone will always feel they didn’t get enough because of built in entitlement.</p>
<p>SD could also look into Community College for 2 years, then transfer to a 4 yr college. That would save your family a TON of money.</p>
<p>The OP may be lucky that the kids don’t object to people referring to her as their stepmother.</p>
<p>My husband, who acquired two stepparents while in college, refused to ever refer to either of them as his “stepfather” or “stepmother” because those terms implied some kind of relationship with him. (Because they came into his life so late and he didn’t particularly like either of them, no such relationships ever developed.) </p>
<p>He has always referred to them as “my father’s wife” or “my mother’s husband” to distance himself from them, although he called them by their first names when speaking to them, as practically everyone does with stepparents.</p>
<p>Collegeshopping, being a SM may be hard, but that is what OP is. To complain that kids wont call her mom is wrong. In fact, many courts, will, if requested, include as part of a court order that kids not be required to call a SM mom. Calling someone a SM is not an insult – it is an accurate description. </p>
<p>Marian, those are also accurate descriptions of a relationship.</p>
<p>Calamity,</p>
<p>You sound like a kind, well-grounded, logical and calm person. I am sorry for the abuse you have gotten on the CC boards here. There is no one way for a step-family to construct their finances.</p>
<p>College is an expense related to children who are GROWN. There is zero obligation for a bio parent OR a step-parent to pay for college expenses.</p>
<p>I find it unfair that you have been harshly judged by folks here trying to read between the lines and decipher clues about how “heartless/cold” you are–whereas the biomom, who has checked out while the children are still minors has gotten a free pass.</p>
<p>I think your questions, concerns and limits are all reasonable. Of course, some resentments could crop up at some point, but I have observed that even step-parents who sacrifice themselves 110% are still the monster and scape-goat at the end of the day if something hasn’t gone quite right.</p>
<p>I hope you got some good practical advice to use. Ignore all the personal attacks or folks telling you how to construct your step-family. </p>
<p>Best of luck,</p>
<p>Annika</p>
<p>OP, is it possible that you can move some of your investments into one of the classifications that are not counted as assets available for education? I realize that this might prevent you from keeping them in as liquid a form as you wish.</p>
<p>Although it is possible that your combined income is so high that your assets would make no difference for SD, the picture may change when you have 2 in college at the same time.</p>
<p>I would assume that if you are going to do this you would need to do it this year, not next.</p>
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Lol, D (17) calls both H and I by our first names and we are her bioparents.</p>
<p>“Lol, D (17) calls both H and I by our first names and we are her bioparents.”</p>
<p>My 17 yo D recently started doing the same with us (although not all the time). I think she uses our names when she is trying to make a point that she disagrees with us and feels it puts her on a more equal footing to not be our child, but more of a functioning adult.</p>
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<p>DH and I were married for 21 years when our first went off to college. We did NOT have a college fund for that kid…or the younger one. Some families set up college funds and some do not. In fact…most do not.</p>
<p>You really have some time to get ideas for your kids’ college searches. Like any other family, if money is a significant issue, this should be clarified with the students while they are in the process of crafting their application list. </p>
<p>It will all work out…it always does.</p>
<p>Kay—</p>
<p>You are right she by law is their step mom but in life she is the only active female parent they have. She is responsible financially, emotionally and physically. If their bio-mother was active, involved and responsible, OP probably wouldn’t even be here. For someone who gives like seems to, wouldn’t a bit of gratitude be warranted?</p>
<p>College, she is not the mom. As to gratitude, how much does any child owe? If SM is doing stuff for her husband, HE should be appreciative, if SM is taking care of his kids. People can be family, can be appreciated, lots of things. That doesnt make them the mom. Being the only active female doesnt make you the mom. Unless the mother puts them up for adoption, SM is not the mom.</p>
<p>The OP is in a tough situation. Not having had to deal with divorce (I’m a widow), I’d hesitate to judge any of her choices. It sounds as if the OP has been a good parent to her husband’s kids, and she is obviously there for them in a way their biological mother is not. My only advice would be to think of all the kids as equals and figure out the best plan for getting everyone educated as his or her time comes up. I was quite taken aback by what the OP said about putting money into an account for her biological kids and leaving the decision about accounts for the husband’s kids to him. Even though the OP and her husband maintain separate finances, that means nothing for the purposes of financial aid for those teenagers who will be heading to college soon. Since the OP’s financial situation affects those kids’ financial aid packages, it would be consistent with being a caring any-kind-of parent (whether step or biological) to craft a plan as a family. That will mean, of course, that some schools will be out of reach financially and it will certainly mean that the OP’s husband will need to behave like an adult and participate in the discussions.</p>
<p>She may not be the mom (and specifically disclaimed that role), but the things she does should certainly bring gratitude and appreciation from the kids and the husband. Why shouldn’t all kids be grateful for the things done for them? Not every single box of cereal, but certainly for the home and sustenance and blessings provided by the parents.</p>
<p>I have a lot of gratitude for my wonderful SM…but I do not call her mom. She is a fabulous person, and how I address her does not diminish her terrific nature.</p>
<p>She never said her stepkids weren’t grateful, she just said they don’t call her “mom.” These kids have been through rough times with their mom, but she is still their mom. I couldn’t imagine ever calling my stepmom mom, and we are close with a great relationship.</p>