<p>Just go with your instincts. You know your D better than anyone else. Dropped mine off last week and she had a horrible time adjusting. Moved into her dorm one day and then she left for off-site orientation the next morning. It turned out to be too quick of a transition for my extremely introverted daughter. She called 4-5 times a day crying. When she told me that she hadn't eaten or slept in 4 days I knew it was spiralling downward fast. I encouraged her to schedule an appointment with the counseling center. The second day after returning to campus she finally perked up a bit, but I still made the trip to see her (3 hours) and we made a more gradual transition. By the day I left (2 days later) she was ditching me to have lunch with her friends. So my advice again is that you know her best. Be honest in assessing your situation...is she just sad every so often or do you see a serious problem coming?</p>
<p>The last time I spoke to her was yesteray at 930 am....I'm sure she is OK...I just know it is hard to talk to us..makes her want to cry...so I am not sure if she is doing better and not calling and making that transition or does she not want to feel worse so not calling...computer was on line all night and she did not IM me or text or call. I'm sure I'll hear today...just hope she sounds better</p>
<p>Hugs to you!!</p>
<p>Try to remember that this is a very important part of growing up. It would be "easier" for us & our kids if we just let 'em stay in their childhood rooms until they are 40 ... but that's no fun for us OR them. The transition is tough, but it doesn't last all that long (looking back on it, that is!). It's a birth of sorts ... not exactly painless, but definitely worth it in the end.</p>
<p>A small suggestion: when you email her, can you think of a question that would most likely elicit a positive answer? If she could report a small success to you, it might cheer her up to know she has something positive to report. </p>
<p>Instead of asking about the heavies (how's it going with courses, roommates, friends...) what if you were to ask something minor like: have you found the vending machine yet? Does it have new selections? Just the smallest, silliest detail where anything she answers would signify, "Hey, I really am starting to figure things out here.."</p>
<p>I'm sure it'll improve. Meanwhile, since you seem to indicate the sound of voices triggers her to cry, perhaps it's better for you to email or IM more when you reach out to her.</p>
<p>A friend of mine sent her only child to college 3 hours away and visited her every other weekend all year. The result was the young women never made deep friendships at school and she ended up dropping out after feshman year.
I agree that waiting until October break is a good idea.</p>
<p>I read that the most common time for homesickness is January of sophomore year. Contributing factors include declaring a major and the new excitment of the new found freedom has worn off!</p>
<p>Is she asking to come home or for you to come up? If so, I have a different take than a lot of posters. If she wants to come home, I would let her. If she wants you to come up, go.</p>
<p>I read a quote somewhere a long time ago that said something along the lines of letting your children hold on as long as they need to and they will let go when they are ready. I know many won't agree with this, but it was my mantra.</p>
<p>Older D was in the honors program of our stateU two hours away - just graduated in May. When she moved in she said, "I am staying TWO WEEKS, then I am coming home". We told her that was fine and we would be happy to see her. I will NEVER forget watching her drive up our driveway after that two weeks with tears steaming down her face - she was so happy to be home. It seemed like those short visits just recharged her battery and got her ready to go again. Freshman year H and I also went up for special school events or just to take her out to dinner. Well, the visits got farther and farther apart. She ended up doing a short study abroad and when she graduated in May, she was named one of only ten Chancellor's Scholars out of 3,500+ graduates. Point - I think the trips home and our trips up played a huge part in her adjustment and ultimate succes in school.</p>
<p>Younger D, probably even more of a "homebody" than her sister was, is a sophomore at a private school 6 hours away. She fully anticipated coming home as frequently as her sister had her freshman year, but the difficulty of the classes and how many class related reviews, etc. were held on the weekend made that impossible. So, dear H and I traveled the 12 hours round trip nearly every two weeks her first semester. We would try to tie those trips in with her concerts or family weekend, etc., or just to take her to dinner. It nearly did us in, but we did it because we knew it was what she needed. She came home for a short fall break in October and Thanksgiving. She was teary a lot that first semester, especially in the beginning and especially when she was tired (which in college is alot!), but I think knowing we were coming helped alot. This same kid spent half this past summer at a language program half way across the country and we hardly talked to her! She also told me that she didn't think she would come home for fall break in October this year since it is ONLY a three day weekend. She couldn't wait to get out of there last year for fall break! </p>
<p>Going away to college is a HUGE adjustment - new food, have to make all new friends, adjustments to living with a stranger(s), difficult classes, etc. Some kids just take longer to adjust and some kids need a little more help than others with that adjustment - so what. Yes, she probably does cry more at the sound of your voice, but if you can't cry with your mother, who can you cry with. You are probably her safe harbor - everyone needs one. That in itself is probably such a comfort. I always remember a mother of a young child asking Dr. T. Barry Brazelton (famed child expert) when she should take away her child's "lovie" (stuffed animal, favorite blanket, etc.). He was appalled! He said, "I still have mine, don't you?" </p>
<p>Every parent has an 18 year history of what works with their child and I would go with your heart. If YOU think visiting her or letting her come home for the weekend would help her adjust, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment.</p>
<p>Well said, Midwest Parent. I've never been a tough love sort of person, and although I'm sure it works for some, it isn't always the way. Visiting every couple of weeks, for maybe a couple of hours, (a lunch?) at the most, can provide what they need to keep going. Perhaps to include a quick trip to the market to pick up some snacks for the fridge. And then drive away! Sunday can be a very quiet day on campus, I found it worked best.</p>
<p>I like the post by midwestparent. I think with our first child we tend to question our parenting skills more - am I being too hard, am I spoiling her, will what I am doing permanently damage her. </p>
<p>I find with my second child I am a lot more relaxed. She called us from her summer camp this year crying about hating people there and having no friends. I was a lot less stressed about that phone call from the second child. I checked up on her regularly for a few days until she started making friends.</p>
<p>I am more of a mind set of going with your gut as far as what your kid needs. Like some posters said it just takes longer for some kids to adjust. If your visit would give her something to look forward then maybe it's the right thing to do.</p>
<p>I think if my child needed bi-monthly 12 hour round trip parental visits, he/she would be at a college much closer to home! I am not much of a "tough love" parent myself, and know that kids do adjust to college, but that there is no shame in being closer to home, for those who need more parental support.</p>
<p>Of course, my own son, gone a week now, has yet to call. :(</p>
<p>This may be gender specific too...I know many more parents of daughters who are getting tearful or daily phone calls. Most of my friends with sons are equally in the dark about what is going on, and we just want to hear something!</p>
<p>I do agree with Midwest Parent - that may seem as a contradiction to my earlier posts but what I have found is that first generation college students sometimes lack the parental support to tough it out a little bit.</p>
<p>Parents, very loving and well meaning, who never went to college sometimes can be too quick. It is difficult to be objective when emotions are running rampant on both sides.<br>
Yet - when dealing with homesickness a parent must be objective. There is no one correct answer for each student and parent.
Parents who never went to college need to know that these feelings are normal and most kids who go through this do get over it. A mom who visits every 3 days is most often not helping the situation. A mom who pretends that homesickness is not "real" and insists that a child tough it out to the point of a nervous breakdown is not helping either. The pendulum can swing both ways.</p>
<p>
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Of course, my own son, gone a week now, has yet to call.
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He will. As soon as he needs something! ;)</p>
<p>Thanks.</p>
<p>I know I am not alone. The kid is 600 miles away. The issue I have is that we, the parents really are too accessible. Between the phone calls, texting and e-mails, I feel too much of a crutch for the kid. I understand the homesickness, but her being able to reach me at any time is too much.</p>
<p>We spent her entire life for her to get to this. We are not pushing her out the door and slamming the door, but rather opening the door and watching thru the screen.</p>
<p>It's almost 2 weeks and I cherish when we don't her from her for 24 hour stretches. It means she is making adjustments. I told her there were at least 500 other freshmen who are experiencing the same thing.</p>
<p>Anyway, it is getting better, slowly but surely. And as bad as I sound, I miss her horribly. She is my only and she is my friend.</p>
<p>-Allmusic- As I said in my post, the 2 X monthly 12 hour round trip visits were the first part of the first semester, as she came home for fall break in October, Thanksgiving in November, and Christmas break mid-December. Do you tell your child they have to leave the school of their dreams just because they are having a little difficulty adjusting to so many new things in college??? I think not.
The trips were a small price to pay to see her have no trouble heading back to school last January without a tear in sight, head 1,500 miles across the country this past summer without a single reservation, and have her feel no need to head home this fall break. </p>
<p>I've always listened to the advice of others, held onto what seemed to fit my situation, and discarded the rest. I hope the OP will do the same. As I said, we each have a history as to what works with our own child. The parenting decisions we made with our children may not work with another's child, but I feel absolutely no regret with the decisions we made regarding our girls' adjustment to college.</p>
<p>Yeah - I think the moms of boys here are mostly experiencing a different reality than the moms of girls! My son is 1400 miles away. He arrived on campus on Sunday by himself - too far for us to drive. He had to get himself a new cellphone (as he is now in Canada), bank account, student ID, sign up for placement exams, buy bedding...</p>
<p>Throughout all this we received one phone call when he arrived safely, one hurried phone call mid-week as he was walking to an exam, and finally one general-update phone call last night (in which we finally got his new cellphone number!)</p>
<p>On the other hand, I have known boys to call Mom with all sorts of housekeeping questions which they have never had occasion to pay attention to previously. </p>
<p>I do think it's a big adjustment -- and one that so many kids have been champing at the bit to make since adolescence hit. Still, for the ones that are having difficulty, maybe the best advice is "One day at a time...".</p>
<p>Glad to hear from other Moms of sons. After two weeks, S2 has called once to ask if I remembered where he was to pick up his preordered textbooks, and once to DH to alert him that another textbook had been bought and would appear on the credit card bill. I called after a week to to see how things were going and got "yes, no, fine, Ok, cool, good" followed by "I have to go now". </p>
<p>He's four hours away and coming home today for the long weekend...not because he misses us but because his college's football team has their season opener in a nearby city. Hopefully, I can get more than one syllable answers this time.</p>
<p>S1 had very similiar behavior at 18. Now that he's a senior, I get a little more conversation out of him</p>
<p>I've read this entire thread and I think the underlying reality (and good news) is that no matter what a parent does (intervene or not intervene) the child survives and usually thrives anyway.</p>
<p>I'll make one plug for intervention............my son is going back for his sophomore year in a few days. Like others he too found the first two weeks of freshman year very stressful, he also found the time leading up to first semester and second semester finals very stressful. My wife and I favored intervention. We used video IM's quite often (almost daily at the start) to both hear his voice tone and see his face (we're a Mac family so it was easy) and since he was only 30 minutes away we'd visit him maybe once a week and even take him home occasionally for a night. I know visits are not possible for others but in my son's case I think our intervention supported his progress rather than delayed it.</p>
<p>When my daughter goes to college in two years I would guess that she'll be entirely different because she is a different type of person. You need to judge what your child needs as they are all different.</p>
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I think the moms of boys here are mostly experiencing a different reality than the moms of girls!
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</p>
<p>Our freshman son is 5000 miles away (HI to MA). We hear from him occasionally, but we get a better sense of what he's doing by googling his name and reviewing our cell phone family plan call records (i.e., he has plenty of friends and talks to them at all hours of the day and night).</p>
<p>When he has at boarding school, we were able to keep up with his activities by monitoring the AOPS math forums.</p>
<p>I hope your daughter is adjusting. I think there are no hard and fast rules that are good for all. If a lunch every so often will help, why not. I had a hard first year of college, and called home in tears many times, although ironically the first two weeks were not so bad. For me once the organized orientation and first week of classes ended, I felt totally alone.</p>
<p>If feeling alone is a problem, I usually suggest to my D (HS not college) to "glom" on to the most easy going person around. Usually, the person is not mean to say get lost, and maybe a friendship can develop.</p>
<p>Sometimes a kid can find a kindred spirit in another shy person. By being friendly to someone else they can solve both their problems.</p>
<p>Ditto with volunteering to help the RAs out with dorm programs. They get to feel useful and it will look to others like they are important. And worth befriending. ;)</p>