Concerned dad

Parents Forum
1

<p>I'm looking for some advice.</p>

<p>My daughter moved into college two days ago, the campus is just under an hour away, and she is having profound difficulty transitioning.</p>

<p>Her mother and I have been divorced for 8 years, but we have always lived in the same town, she grew up in a school district where she new everyone k-12. Initially she considered going to community college because she felt it would be better for her to ease her way into college, I supported that decision, but her mother and mother's family pressured her to visit many universities and made her feel community college was for "loosers". Fast forward, Her mother moved very far away a month ago to start a new job, my daughter moved in with me and my wife. Her boyfriend of 3 years broke up with her 3 weeks ago, she had to give up a job she really likes, and a week ago she revealed to me that she really did not want to move away to college, and that she was only going because of the pressure from her mother and that side of the family...but that it's unquestionably NOT what she wants right now.. but that she would try to make it.</p>

<p>I helped her move in Thursday, her room mate is an international who speaks almost no English at all. My daughter had a crisis Thursday night, and called me, she was sobbing, she feels completely alone, doesn't feel as though she can find anyplace where she can let her guard down (except in her car in the parking lot). I went back out for second day move in/parent student orientation activities on Friday, she was a little better in the morning, but still feeling very stressed, and unsure of her course or fate, she just keeps saying "this is just not gonna work, I'm not ready for this... not now, not here, "I feel stuck and I don't know where to go, how to get out, and I just need time to think about things and who I am, and THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR ME TO DO THAT" She has placements tests and auditions today (Saturday) I am encouraging her to visit the counseling office today, but she feels too much time pressure and is afraid if she goes she will miss her meetings and other scheduled obligations...I told her that taking care of herself takes precedence so she agreed to try to schedule a visit with counseling. After talking to her last night, I encouraged her to call her mother, and talk to her too, she she can know whats going on, she did, then called be back, and said her mom reminded her on one thing...that if she quits, her child support (from the divorce agreement) stops... since it's mandated by the state that after 18, she only gets it while she is in school, up to age 21. I was floored that in her daughters time of crisis mom would bring up something as petty as that!</p>

<p>I need advice! I am encouraging her to try, to seek help, but I am also telling her that I am going to support her decision as long as it's been made after considering all of the facts, and after talking to counseling and advisers. Am I doing the right things?</p>

2

<p>You’re doing the right things.</p>

<p>One more thing that you could add to the mix, though, is a reminder that college will feel very different once classes start. Some people who like the orientation period are far less happy after the start of classes. Conversely, some people who feel lost in the first few days at college become much more comfortable after the academic year really starts.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, you might want to do a little research to see what her options are if things don’t work out. What’s the deadline for getting her tuition and room and board money back (or at least part of it) if she withdraws? What’s the deadline for withdrawing without having failed classes show up on her transcript? What’s the deadline for enrollment at the local community college? Have classes already started there, or do they start later? If you find yourself having a conversation with your daughter about options, you might want to be equipped with this information.</p>

<p>It might also be worthwhile to seek some input from your wife. She knows your daughter but may be a little more detached from the situation than you are. She might have ideas to contribute that you wouldn’t have anticipated.</p>

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<p>Oh, I’d see it as a not-uncommon transition issue. After all, lots happened recently- mom’s move, leaving a job, losing a bf- all stressors for any of us, young or older. Add to that, starting college. One of mine took a long time to warm up to it. If you are so close, could you support her in taking care of the appts and obligations, but put off the emotional aspects- and commit to go visit next weekend? Keep it light, the WalMart run, lunch together, just be her rock for a few hours?</p>

<p>She needs to look for clubs, gatherings, maybe a school job, get ready for classes- all the things that usually integrate a kid into the experience and promote friendships. Her auditions might bring her closer to kids who share her interests. Good luck.</p>

<p>Dropping out immediately could pose more personal challenegs in the long run than giving it time.</p>

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<p>I’d encourage her to keep trying. She’s in the homesickness phase, and once she gets out of that, things will be much better. She sounds like she has a very negative view, so be careful not to feed that. Encourage a positive but sympathetic view…ie, “yes, it sounds hard right now, hang in there. It will get better once you get in the swing.”</p>

<p>I’d be careful not to panic. If she thinks YOU think she can’t handle it, then that will shake her confidence even more.</p>

<p>I would personally encourage her to stay for a semester, focus on her classes and join a club or two and see how it goes, with the idea that if by the end of the semester, she is still very unhappy, she can withdraw and come home & do community college for a year or year and a half.</p>

<p>If she looks at it as just a few months, she may feel less overwhelmed.</p>

<p>Unless you think she’s unable to handle the academic side of things.</p>

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<p>Remind her that her feelings of aloneness are normal and will pass. Tell her you know she can do it. I’m not saying you ever would badmouth her mom or anything, but be very careful not to make this mom’s ‘fault’. </p>

<p>Mom may well have believed that this is something your D CAN handle and needs to do–it sounds like she’s led a somewhat sheltered life, not that that is bad, but learning to make new friends and forge a life for herself is something she will benefit from doing…so maybe mom is just trying to encourage with a bit of tough love?</p>

<p>Don’t go to far the other way, in being too swift in running in to rescue her. She’ll just end up feeling incompetent if you do that and as lookingforward said, could be way worse for her in the long run. She sounds like she has had to adapt to a lot of changes in a short time, so it is normal for her to be stressed out.</p>

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<p>I think you are the 8th or 9th parent I have “talked” to that is having the same issue this week. While it’s hard to know that our kids are sad, it is normal. Two days is just not enough time. Keep encouraging her to talk to kids on her floor. Let her know it is OK NOT to be best friends with your roommate and often it’s better if you are not. Getting along with your roommate is important but you don’t have to do everything with your roommate. Do they have freshman orientation programs to get the kids involved and to meet other kids? If not, I would have her knock on several doors and get a bunch of kids to go eat together because they are all probably feeling the same way to some degree or another.</p>

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<p>I agree with the other posters to calmly ask her to give it time. Even summer camp lasts a week or two, so two days just isn’t enough time to figure out the “lay of the land”. Once she starts getting a routine, meeting people in her dorm, going to classes, etc, things will likely get better. The counseling center is a good idea, in fact i think that some college counseling centers have “support groups” for kids who are having trouble adjusting. Sometimes it’s comforting to know how many kids feel the same way as you do.</p>

8

<p>Gently, it seems that you are mixing up lots of emotions here, that may be clouding your views on what is best for your DD. Take your exwife out of the equation. Your DD is at college and is going through a transition that is very normal and common. The move and the breakup have made it all more emotional for her, and she feels adrift, but this will get better. She needs more time there, to settle in and to make friends. And yes, she will make friends, it just takes a little time to find your niche.
Be encouraging and supportive, but don’t run out to go get her or bring her home. Send her a care package with some treats and encourage her to share them with the others on her floor. Food is a great icebreaker.</p>

<p>Hang in there.</p>

9

<p>A lot of what you daughter is feeling is normal,. Let her know that many of the students around her feel the same way right know. I suspect that she feels she is the only one that feels this way. She needs to know that she is not.</p>

<p>I also second the idea of a short campus visit. I would avoid allowing her to come home the first couple weekends. The first few weeks is when people are looking for friends since nobidy knows anyone. After that, it gets harder.</p>

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<p>I know the stress of being the mom on that side of the equation…having little funds for college myself and needing the financial support of the ex. Maybe have a disscussion with the mom that even if it doesnt work out now, you will still participate in helping her out financially in the future…take that pressure out of the equation so you can just deal with the problem at hand.<br>
Maybe your daughter would benefit from a gap year…some community service. My daughter sounds very similar in that she has emotional breakdowns too…hard to transition.<br>
Also, is she on anti anxiety meds…it has helped my daughter enormously.<br>
I would call the counselors and get them to go check on her. They will get her the help she needs in the short run.</p>

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<p>You are getting good advice from everyone here. Two days is an extremely short time to judge whether her college choice will work out. I, too, believe she should give it more time. </p>

<p>Think of other times she stuck things out and they got better, and remind her of them. This could be anything like piano lessons, band camp, soccer camp, high school honors classes, ect. Our son would have missed out on some character growth and lots of fun and a sense of accomplishment if we’d let him give up on some things.</p>

<p>Last year our son was a college freshman, and we got several library books for parents in our situation. They cover all kinds of topics and helped our jittery nerves. You can put “Parents of college Freshman” on the Amazon.com search and there are lots of books; see if your local library has some. Here are a few links to books:</p>

<p>You’re On Your Own (But I’m Here If You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years</p>

<p>[You're</a> On Your Own (But I’m Here If You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years: Marjorie Savage: 9781416596073: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Youre-Your-Own-Here-Need/dp/1416596070/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1345911208&sr=1-2&keywords=parents+of+college+freshmen]You’re”>http://www.amazon.com/Youre-Your-Own-Here-Need/dp/1416596070/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1345911208&sr=1-2&keywords=parents+of+college+freshmen)</p>

<p>Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years, Fourth Edition</p>

<p>[Amazon.com:</a> Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years, Fourth Edition (9780060521264): Karen Levin Coburn, Madge Lawrence Treeger: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-Parents-Understanding-College/dp/0060521260/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1345911208&sr=1-3&keywords=parents+of+college+freshmen]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-Parents-Understanding-College/dp/0060521260/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1345911208&sr=1-3&keywords=parents+of+college+freshmen)</p>

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<p>Oh, and best wishes to both you and your daughter. Please let us know how things are working out.</p>

13

<p>There are some great suggestions here and I echo the sentiment of trying to remain positive that she can get through this transition. My son did not transition well in his freshmen year. It broke my heart each time he would call and remind me of how unhappy he was, but I asked him to give it some time. I was accessible at any time for a call and he would call me at all hours. I did visit one week into the semester and things were going better. I would suggest to talk to the RA and maybe you can get a better sense of what really is going on. Remember they save all their emotions to vent with you and we are left mopping up our own tears after we take care of them. We all feel for you and your daughter, so I hope things improve and keep us posted</p>

14

<p>I think the advice suggested above is very good. Right now, you are your D’s rock. Stay positive … stay supportive. Take advantage of Parent’s Weekend to visit. Have your D give you a tour of the campus and surrounding areas where students spend their time. Take her a present. Take her out to dinner. Let her know how proud you are of her.</p>

<p>It may appear simpler to have your D withdraw from her current school, come home, and attend the local community college. I’d encourage you to look at a larger, more optimistic picture … one where your D gets through this period and grows into a strong and independent young woman. JMHO of course. Good luck to you and your D.</p>

15

<p>Another suggestion: chunk things down
Instead of looking at a WHOLE school year ahead of her, have her just take care of today. Sometimes my son gets overwhelmed when he looks at too much of the big picture for too long. I tell him, " Don’t try going from A to Z. Go from A to B. Then from B to C. Then C to D. ect."</p>

<p>Also, if at all possible, do try to find some light or humorous moments with your daughter. Not that you are making light of her situation, but sometimes it helps realize it’s not all gloom and doom. Oh, and about the ex-boyfriend, tell your daughter ‘living well is the best revenge’.</p>

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<p>Zebradad, I feel for you. Sorry you are off to a rough start so far. If your daughter is normally resilient and makes friends pretty easily, I think I would try to support her in staying put. She might need some coaching on specifically how to make connections. For instance, she should keep her dorm room open when she is inside. That seems to signal an invitation for pop ins. Remind her that her roommate is probably even more shell shocked. They could at least eat together. Encourage her to attend the welcoming events and look for other lone kids who may be in the same situation. Her attitude could be getting in the way. Negativity is off putting.</p>

<p>OTOH, if she is fragile and you know from experience once she gives up on something, she is done, well maybe that is all you need to know. Transferring to cc is fine, but it won’t change the fact that her life has changed a lot recently. Returning to your house isn’t going to fix everything.</p>

<p>It is so hard to see our kids hurting. Good luck to you both!</p>

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<p>I don’t know… when my son broke down and said he was overwhelmed as a freshman, we encouraged him to keep at it, to take an easy schedule, to sign up for clubs to meet people etc. He stayed in school… a semester later he had a complete melt-down that forced him to withdraw. He’s now back living at home and taking a community college class. In retrospect, DH and I should have listened and pulled him out when he was asking us to…</p>

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<p>Sorry for this tough start.</p>

<p>Our DS had a good freshman year last year but has historically had an issue with anxiety which manifests itself during transitions. Lots of changes for him also last fall as we (parents) moved across country at the same time he left for school over 1000 miles away. So his first trip “home” was to a house he had never seen before. He did make connection and with encouragement made the best of the year.</p>

<p>Summer was totally different story. Went to a program at a large university (his choice) and within a few days called to say he was completely overwhelmed and needed to come home. He had never done this before despite anxiety. We listened carefully to what he was saying, and I ended up flying to check on him. Thank goodness as he was really a mess, and we did bring him home. </p>

<p>Yesterday flew with him to move in for sophomore year. Rocky morning anxiety-wise but seemed to find his footing as he settled into his new room and saw some friends. If he calls/has issues will most definitely encourage/force contact with counseling office. They know what they are doing and have dealt with these issues many, many times.</p>

<p>All to say, OP, that your daughter is going through a lot. Agree to give her time (these first days are really hard) but do keep a close eye as you know her best. Hope she gets some counseling support and settles in to enjoy freshman year.</p>

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<p>There are two things going on here. First, of all, what she is experiencing is not at all unusual. A number of students have a tough time transitioning to school. That she had doubts before and that it may not have been her first choice to do, is going to all figure into this. Encourage her to stick it out, but if it doesn’t work out, she can leave at the end of the semester. </p>

<p>The other thing is the child support. Unfortunately for those dependent on that money, it is a big deal thing. I’ve had friends whose divorce settlement includes sizable child support payments through college, only if the child is a student at an accredited school of higher education. Yes, indeed, it would be a big problem if said child quits and those payments stop since those parents were counting on those checks. IF that is the situation with your ex, yes, it is an issue if your DD quits college. It IS going to affect everyone in ways other than a simple, “gee, I don’t want to go to this school”. To not take these things into account would be ignoring an elephant in the room.</p>

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<p>katliamom–sorry that happened w/ your son—did he continue to have a HORRIBLE time the whole semester? It sounds like he had some stressors beyond the usual homesickness/transition issues; I would still say OP needs to try to relax, encourage and see–and, if things don’t improve in a month or two, he and D should assess what to do after the semester’s over. I mean, it is possible she’s not in the right place–but it’s more likely that she’s suffering the normal adjustment anxieties. I think pulling her out immediately would be a mistake unless she remains miserable. And if she cannot adjust & is truly miserable, I’d focus more on counseling to figure out why she can’t cope–ie, does she have an anxiety disorder/depression? </p>

<p>My own d was pretty miserable for the first couple weeks but pushing through it and settling in was the absolute BEST thing for her confidence; now she knows she can handle a few bumps.</p>

<p>I hope your son is doing better now. It can be so hard to know when to push and when to pull back, but I do think 2 days or even 2 weeks is too soon to decide that for most.</p>