Struggling...pls give me some advice

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of California - Los Angeles
1

<p>ok, here's my situation...
im a freshman here at ucla about week 3 and i feel miserable at times. It's not all the time but i have these restless bouts where I feel just terrible, enuff to give up my studying that night. </p>

<p>I'm thinking it's cuz I havent met the right people yet.
I can say i met a lot of people but i still havent found that group of friends where i can just relax and have fun. Maybe if i tried harder i could work at attaining those friends, but i find it really hard for me to find the time to do that. Not only that, to be honest, im not much of a talker so it's really difficult for me to make friends =( ... But im very good at talking with people one-on-one or who im comfortable with.</p>

<p>I have actually made a couple friends, one of them being my roommate, and still have high school friends who i really like to hang out with, but i still feel like i need to expand my horizons. They share different interests and like to go to Frat parties, which i dont mind though i wouldnt have the time of my life there.
Another thing that bothers me is that the people on my floor are hanging out non-stop. It vexes me how they could study (or maybe they dont study) and hang out all the time.</p>

<p>Dont get me wrong, im having an OK time here but i am not having the time of my life like most people. Especially Thursday and Friday nights when everyone is having the greatest time ever, I have the worst nights. I always get stuck in my room because my friends are in Frat/Sororities and I dont have anyone to hang out with. I am quite against going to Frats because of the rather largely impersonal gathering they have and the people there are not my type.</p>

<p>Im sorry to write about my life/sob story but really i am desperate.</p>

<p>Please give me some advice. It's 1:00 AM, my lights are off, my next-door dorm's bed is shaking (uh-oh), and i am writing this message while i still feel this way.</p>

2

<p>join some clubs. i would love frats and sororities and their wild sex parties. pity none of my friends are the type. alright, back to midterm studying.</p>

3

<p>Im looking for some advice such as whether I am just feeling homesick or I should be patient in finding good friends or to go out and put more effort in making more friends. If anyone can offer any advice, it'd be much appreciated =).</p>

<p>btw. I put education before my social life. I just cant study without a social life xD.</p>

4

<p>ive been looking through clubs but i havent really found one i really liked.</p>

5

<p>I have three standard suggestions for people who want to make good friends but don't like all the partying of weekends. This is based on my two older kids who had a good time at college, now recently graduated; plus a freshman following similar approaches:</p>

<p>First is: volunteer for theater productions on the crew. Even if you're not the actor, singer or star, they always need people to help with props, lighting, set design and construction, publicity, stage management, costumes, make-up...They rehearse most evenings and perform on Friday and Saturday nights, sometimes on Sunday, too. So that gives you a focus, a lot of interesting people, a common goal that is fun, and the scheduling is when all the parties are going on that you don't want to attend so much. After the play is done there are cast and crew parties, but these are usually fun because you've been in on the production so share that same energy. UCLA has a great performing arts program. I don't know UCLA specifically, but in general, theater productions are always short of volunteers who'll work hard for the crew. You'll be appreciated. Contact the academic department to find out if you can email the directors and volunteer on their show. If one says no, try the next one. Also: everybody looks good in the dim lighting of a theater rehearsal; so will you.</p>

<p>The second is, if you have any relationship from home to church or synagogue, go seek out those organizations, like Newman for Catholics, Hillel for Jewish, etc. It's not like those kids are all planning to be ministers. Usually they just want to meet people or do some good things (help in a soup kitchen or go on a hike) without all the heavy drinking. Even if you're not extremely religious, there are some mellow, kind people who are attracted to these organizations, just like yourself.</p>

<p>Third idea is to find any school club that does good things for other people, such as tutoring kids from the community, or fundraising for a charity, etc.
People who will spend their time helping out others less fortunate than themselves are often easy, pleasant, kind people. Again, you don't have to be Gandhi or Mother Theresa to go and join a club that helps other people. And this is where the nicer kids hang out.</p>

6

<p>hang in there. im guessing your going through midterms right now like most of us...ur mentally exhausted. give it some time. plus from waht i heard..freshman year is the year to hang out with random year..only by sophmore year do you start to realize who ur real friends are</p>

7

<p>
[quote]
It's not all the time but i have these restless bouts where I feel just terrible, enuff to give up my studying that night.

[/quote]
3 weeks? The general rule is that if it's at least 2 weeks with "bouts of [depression]" that it's good to at least to seek some sort of counseling. I'm not saying or judging you but would you consider talking to a counselor just to rule out that possibility? SPS gives students 10 free sessions throughout the year. Even if it's not "depression" or any sort of label, someone can help you out. It's normal to feel what you're feeling... but to what degree? Best.</p>

8

<p>According to the psychologist I went to during my emo HS days, depression means you literally can't function. You can't go out, you can't study, you can't goto school, you can't listen, etc. But we all use it to mean sad :(. </p>

<p>You could do what I do and immerse yourself so much into studies that you don't even have time to make friends!</p>

<p>What paying3tuitions said seems like solid advice though. I'd be tempted to try those methods, but no time :(.</p>

9

<p>
[quote]
You could do what I do and immerse yourself so much into studies that you don't even have time to make friends!</p>

<p>What paying3tuitions said seems like solid advice though. I'd be tempted to try those methods, but no time

[/quote]
The former does not address the problem. If anything, it forms a cover-up or aggravates the situation. At the surface, it looks OK... but how about otherwise? Sure, it can be your temporary band-aid; how does it help in the long-run? Does anything change... besides your grades? It's so early in the year... s/he's only a freshman right now... if things don't change, its tone can permeate through the rest of the year... There's only so much "adjustment period/(s)he was a just a freshman" idea until it becomes irresponsibility to take action and make changes.</p>

10

<p>thx for all the advice. I dont think I am depressed, I think I just havent taken enough time to explore all my options here. And paying3tuitions I think I might try those options.</p>

11

<p>i felt the same way as you through my first year at ucla. i made a lot of friends, but not the ones i felt most comfortable around.</p>

<p>that's why this year i looked into a specific fraternity and it turns out that i'm really enjoying it. </p>

<p>i never considered myself a "frat boy" and i never will. i'm not going to change into some party boy after joining a frat but i'm going to make some strong bonds with people i enjoy being around. academics is and always will be my main priority, and the fraternity is actually helping me to enforce that rather than to distract me from my goals.</p>

<p>maybe something to look into. keep an open mind :).</p>

<p>edit:: if you ever just want to talk to someone who's in a similar situation, just send me a message - i can probably tell you more about my story if you're interested.</p>

12

<p>At first I thought you were my roommate lololol</p>

<p>She's sleeping right now. :I</p>

13

<p>first off, it never hurts to get an opinion from someone trained to help. Your reg fees are already paying for the counseling center; why not give them a visit? See <a href="http://www.sps.ucla.edu/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.sps.ucla.edu/&lt;/a> You can talk to a counselor (confidentiality is guaranteed), and they have short-term support groups that meet for a few sessions covering areas such as social confidence and skills. A group like that might just be the start you need.</p>

<p>Second, its easy to overestimate how much fun other people are having! You are assuming they are having the time of their life, but this may not be true :( If you could read others inner thoughts, you'd see they are worried about fitting in, some may be drinking more than they like due to perceived pressure to fit in, feel that the people they are meeting are superficial acquantances rather than true friends, etc. The point is that even if you think everyone else is having the time of their life, that's just your opinion about their internal state. Allow yourself the space to consider you might be misjudging based on outward appearances...</p>

<p>And even if you're not alone, then what? As I suggested earlier, a few talks with a counselor might help. What you're feeling is pretty common; most college frosh feel afloat for a while, with familiar moorings and faces gone. You probably haven't gotten to the point where you think they made a mistake in admitting you, but that's another common feeling after a tough midterm or two ;) </p>

<p>3tuitions gave some good advice earlier. I'd add that lots of studies have shown that people who volunteer find joy from helping others. The key, though, is not to sit here and try to <em>predict</em> what you'll feel. Commit yourself to finding a volunteer group and helping out for just this one quarter. At the end, then evaluate how it made you feel.</p>

<p>Lastly, with the hundreds of clubs on campus there is bound to be at least one or two you'd like, and the friends you make in shared activities are among the ones that will last when everyone changes dorm floors at the end of the year. You might be surprised how many people are good buddies with people they see every day on their floor,but once they change housing they're gone.</p>

14

<p>frat parties are not for everyone. you can still like drinking and sex and not have to go to frat parties...
the visible scene is all freshmen in the frat scene.. mostly white upper middle class kids, but there is a huge amount not involved. they're just in their rooms, or off campus.</p>

<p>if you do want to talk feel free to PM me! i'm an old pro at this stuff</p>

15

<p>the3ddy, I feel the same way sometimes too.. I'm also a freshmen and college has been a very different experience. I haven't made many close friends yet either and I find myself on the phone a lot with my high school friends. I want to meet more people but it's a bit difficult I don't why. There are times when I feel really crappy about everything too (especially since midterms are coming up). Same thing with the whole floor thing as well.. I really don't have too many friends on my floor so I tend to go to other places which I'm fine with, but it'd be nice to know more people here too. Currently I'm trying to stay positive and see how things go. Maybe after midterms it'll be better.</p>

16

<p>Cheer up... it'll get better! My first quarter... I had acquaintances but no one I could really talk to or feel that I could hang out with. So naturally, I called people at home (family/friends) more freq. and got homesick. It gets better, guys. Keep your chin up! You'll find your people eventually...</p>

17

<p>i totally know what you guys mean. im a freshman and feel it too. i guess i had too high of expectations.</p>

18

<p>It's only week three. If it was that easy to form a solidified group in that amount of time, everyone would be socially content.</p>

19

<p>I'm also a freshmen, and I started to feel that way during the middle of week two. My solution has been to stay as busy as possible. Pretty much whenever I'm not in class or studying, I'm doing extracirricular stuff, going to a workshop, etc. I also limit myself to only calling home once a week, unless I've had a really crappy day and I need to vent... only calling home once a week gives me something to look forward to, and I think if I called home every day I'd start to get really homesick.</p>

20

<p>That sounds pretty depressing. </p>

<p>I immerse myself in studies and work, but its a little different for me. I'm leaving in either 1-2 years, so its not all bad. If you are a freshman, you are here for 4 years or more, so best to find a group so you wont be lonely for so long! But I feel for ya all. If I wasn't a senior, I'd probably be concerned for myself.</p>