Student needs advice from parents

Parents Forum
1

<p>Sorry if this post is long winded, but it's complicated situation that I'm not quite certain how to explain... I'll try to make it brief though:</p>

<p>After spending the past two years at a local community college, I've recently been accepted to my top choice school... I'm absolutely thrilled, but terribly nervous because I have no clue how to tell my dad. </p>

<p>My dad is very controlling, and has a horrible temper. His temperament is so bad that I haven't even lived with him for the past 6 years or so. If he ever gets upset with me, he goes berserk (to the point that I think he has some sort of mental or emotional problems) and then doesn't call or talk to me for months and months. It's a cycle, too -- This has happened many times, especially the past 4 years.</p>

<p>Well, I'm basically ready to move on and transfer out of state (to the top choice school), but I have no clue HOW or WHEN I should tell him. </p>

<p>My mother's advice was to simply not tell him until the week before I move... To just keep it on the down low, and then tell him right before I leave so that I don't have to deal with his reaction. She knows how he behaves (they've been divorced for many years), and knows that no good will come from this. </p>

<p>I personally feel that not telling him until August would be deceitful, dishonest, and just plain hurtful... And yes, it would take A LOT of lying between now and August -- Preparing for the move is not going to be easy, and since we're currently in contact he's always asking what I'm up to, how school is, ect. </p>

<p>What do you recommend I do? </p>

<p>Should I take my mothers advice and "conveniently forget" that I'm transferring schools and moving to another state (basically lie), or should I be honest and deal with his possibly horrible reaction? </p>

<p>If you recommend that I go with the latter, when should I tell him? And how? </p>

<p>As happy as I am that I got accepted to my top choice, I'm experiencing a lot of guilt over how he's going to react. He's currently in a very very VERY bad situation financially and never handles stress of any sort well. In fact, I've even been having to lend him money recently, and I have no clue what he's going to do once I'm gone and worrying about paying tuition...</p>

<p>Thank you so much if you've taken the time to read this, any advice or suggestions will be greatly appreciated.</p>

<p>EDIT: And yes, believe me, I know for a fact his reaction won't be favorable. I've mentioned to him a few times the places I've applied to, and he either pretends to not listen to me (weird, but true. it's awkward too, to talk to someone while they intentionally look away and not respond to anything you say) or says "Whatever" or "Oh, give me a break". He basically doesn't take me seriously, and well... I compromised by going to community college the past two years, but I feel like it's time to move on.</p>

2

<p>Do you have reason to believe he’ll be upset about your plans?</p>

3

<p>In response to Shrinkrap:</p>

<p>Yes – Last spring break when I told him I was going to check out some schools in New York, he freaked out at me and then stopped talking to me for a few months… It was awkward too, 'cause I told him while we were out in public… I didn’t think he’d act that way in public, but he did…</p>

<p>EDIT: Also, he’s made it clear to me he doesn’t like the location/school I’m going to. Passive aggressively, but he definitely made his point clear – Many times over.</p>

4

<p>Hmmmm…Well…on a positive note, sounds like be usually gets over it!</p>

5

<p>Not exactly… No offense, but this is actually a pretty serious situation for me. Please don’t be so condescending. </p>

<p>The reason why we ever get into contact again is because I miss him and call him to see how he is, or he calls me to borrow more money.</p>

6

<p>Hey! How was that condescending? I’m trying to be diplomatic in the context of a forum! He’s presumably a grown man, your his kid, and it’s not your job to take care of him. He can get over it!</p>

<p>I don’t really think this is the place for really professional advice, so I’ll just wish you good luck.</p>

7

<p>The only reason why I’m asking this here is because my mom says to lie to him, which I feel is wrong, and well… I’m sure the few friends I have left in this town have enough problems of their own to listen to mine.</p>

8

<p>Does your dad become physical when he loses his temper? If so, there is some justification for keeping your plan under the wrap, sort of. Even there, there are other ways to deal with this than just running away.</p>

<p>based on what you wrote, as much as he behavior leaves a lot of room for improvement, he does not appear to be an abusive or willfully neglectful parent. His weakness is his personality, rather than manifest ill will. Then, he deserves the common decency of being told in advance so that he will have a chance to cope with it. It’s an act of kindness on your part to give him an opportunity to reflect on the kind of relationship he had with you, and perhaps even a chance to repair it before it’s too late. You don’t have to respect your parent, or even like him. But, as a human being, you could have empathy or sympathy toward him.</p>

<p>Look at it this way. Suppose the roles are reversed. You have been behaving badly toward him, doing all the things you wrote above about him. Further suppose he had a plan to relocate to a foreign country, and kept you in the dark until the day before he was “gone with the wind”. How would that make you feel? Betrayal? Abandonment? Anger? Perhaps this will cause rather permanent damage to the relationship. </p>

<p>You are an adult now. this means that you also deal with your parents like an adult - maturely. that means, you don’t just run away from people.</p>

<p>You may think my opinion is tainted by the fact that I am a parent too and am sympathetic with parent’s point of view. Well, if you check my other posts, you will realize that when it comes to many types of parent-child conflict, I mostly take child’s side. The reason why I am giving this advice to you is because I feel that on the long run, the experience of having run away from him like this will stay with you like a millstone around your neck. I advise that you deal with this problem for YOURSELF, more than for him. </p>

<p>Of course, if he has a tendency to turn physical, all bets are off.</p>

<p>(P.S. Do yous till need financial help from Dad when you transfer out to a college? If so, running away from him like this will be a truly STUPID thing to do, rather than a merely unkind act on your part. But I hope your kindness toward him is NOT predicated on the money issue).</p>

9

<p>hyeonjlee –</p>

<p>Actually, yes, he can get physically violent. It’s why my mom divorced him, and why I stopped living with him after my sophomore year in high school. He isn’t a horrible person, he really isn’t… He just… Doesn’t know how to control himself.</p>

<p>And I do love him, and care about his well being, which is why I feel that my mom’s advice is just plain bad. </p>

<p>And no, he is not going to help pay for anything of mine. I pay for my own bills and tuition at my current school. My dad is actually in a real bad financial situation himself, and usually it’s vice versa – I end up having to lend him money to get him through 'till his next paycheck.</p>

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<p>well, if he has a history of being violent toward you, that’s another story. Even so, there are ways to deal with it without dropping a bomb a the last possible minute. If he has not been violent toward you when you were a kid then it’s not likely that he will become physical now.</p>

<p>How about writing a letter to him. Explain the situation calmly. Suggest that they meet and talk about this when he and you can have a cordial conversation. Pick a public place so that there is a built in guard for “acceptable behavior”.</p>

<p>You seem to care more about him and then the other way around. based on some additional info, you seem to be the adult in this relationship. Then, all the more reason to act as an adult, and help him deal with this. You seem like a really concerned daughter. If you just run away, leaving him to rot in anger, it will be long time before you feel comfortable with YOURSELF. As I said in the earlier post, I hope you will deal with this maturely FOR YOUR OWN SAKE on the long term.</p>

11

<p>I would tell him over the phone, but I would tell him now and not wait. You are an adult. You do the right thing, how he behaves you have no control over. You will still go away whether he likes it or not, and that is how it is going to be going forward. If he gets over it and can be happy for you, you will see him, if not, that is his problem. Don’t let his anger intimidate you, it is part of becoming any adult.</p>

12

<p>The fact that you believe it’s wrong to fail to tell him says volumes to me. As an adult, you will find many times in which your core values are challenged. People usually do what they believe is right when it’s easy; the true mark of a mature adult is to do what he or she believes is right when it’s hard. As a young adult, now is the time to start learning to be true to yourself. As the cliche goes, you’re the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror.</p>

<p>Remove your mother from this equation; while I’m sure she loves you and wants only the best for you, her advice is colored by her experiences with your father and her own baggage from the marriage, which is different from yours. The parent-child relationship is very different than the spousal (and especially the ex-spousal) relationship.</p>

<p>You seem to have a pretty good idea of your father’s reaction. Delaying telling him will only magnify that reaction, because of all the added emotions that hyeonjlee mentioned (betrayal, abandonment, etc.). And you will leave for your new experiences with a bitter taste in your mouth. (And you don’t want him showing up either at your mother’s house or at school to try to stop you, do you? Delaying telling him does run that risk if it’s a physical possibility.)</p>

<p>Please consider telling him now. Either he’ll deal with it or he won’t; as oldfort says, that’s his choice. You will know you’ve done the right thing.</p>

13

<p>I agree with Chedva. Tell him now and get it over with. You want to make sure you head off to school excited and with a clear head…not filled with anxiety over your dad and what he may do once you get to school.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

14

<p>However, if you think there is a reasonable chance that he will be violent towards you when you tell him, then I would side with your mother and protect yourself by not telling him until you are out of harms way. Your first responsibility is for your own physical safety. You can tell him over the phone and when he cools off, resume contact-but do not endanger yourself.</p>

15

<p>OK… I would write him a long, loving letter, explaining also your concern for his temper. I would also add that you are writing the letter so that he might not be so reactionary and that this might give him a chance to put things under a different light. </p>

<p>See… even if he can’t hear it all at once, at least in a letter he can go back to it. You don’t live with him and so … this might be a good compromise.</p>

16

<p>Modadunn has an excellent reason for putting your thoughts into a letter. Even if he does not want to “listen” the first time, he can read it again later, after he has cooled off a bit. And tell him why you are writing him the letter rather than telling him in person.</p>

<p>You need to tell him now, for your own peace of mind that you have done the right thing. Just do it in a safe manner!</p>

17

<p>Wow, your problem is a tough one. It sounds like you are very uncomfortable hiding the news from him, and I wonder if it would make him angrier to find out you have been keeping something from him IN ADDITION to making a move he doesn’t like.</p>

<p>I would write a letter. Explain your plans, and that you are writing him a letter because in the past he has gotten very angry and exploded and you want to avoid an unpleasant scene.</p>

<p>Tell him you are committed to going, that you hope for his blessing but that you would appreciate it if he doesn’t call you until he can be supportive.</p>

<p>Then, if he calls to confront you (or comes to see you) protect yourself emotionally and physically by refusing to engage him if he acts badly. Don’t be alone with him. </p>

<p>I know it is hard, but if he starts to scream at you on the phone you just say “I can’t talk to you when you are screaming at me” and HANG UP. Walk (or run) away if he starts to harangue you in person. He can only abuse you if you let him, don’t give him a chance.</p>

<p>Finally, you sound like a terrific person, and like you have some support. I would recommend that you seek counseling because dealing with a father likes your leaves invisible scars and might affect you in the future in ways you can’t forsee. Take it from someone who has been there and understands how hard it can be.</p>

<p>GOOD LUCK!!!</p>

18

<p>You’re not going to like what I have to say but I’ll say it anyway. If he has a history of violence against your Mom and you, just move on. You say that he isn’t a bad person but he just can’t control himself. Stop making excuses for him. I understand that he’s your father and you love him but it seems as though you are so used to his irrational type of behavior that you make up excuses for it. Sorry to remind you but love doesn’t hurt. Love shouldn’t involve fear. Love shouldn’t involve “walking on eggshells” around that person. </p>

<p>You’re an adult. There is no reason to make your life decisions based on how your father is going to react. In this instance, because of the anger issues involved, I would listen to and respect your Mom’s ideas. You need to remember that when you’re long gone at your new school, your Mom will still be close enough to your Dad’s location so that she may be the one left dealing with his “****ed off” behavior. </p>

<p>Respect your Mom for having the strength to get the two of you out of an abusive situation. Evaluate why you want to continue “pleasing” an abusive parent. Understand that abuse and love should never be used in the same context. </p>

<p>PS–Stop trying to pacify an abusive man. Yes, he’s your Dad but any man (or woman) that abuses another person (be it physical and/or verbal) will continue to abuse and manipulate. Move on and begin to build your own life.</p>

19

<p>I’m going to agree with alot of what nysmile said.
You seem to be a wonderful kid and I know you are trying to do the right thing. In most instances, it is wise and mature to share the info with your dad. But when you are dealing with people who have personality disorders, psychological problems and are abusive (which I think your dad falls into some of those categories), you really need to think of your own needs first.
as you have said your dad borrows money from you, he may interpret that “his” money is now going to be used for YOUR college education. This ain’t going to make him happy and his abusive nature may show itself again- and may be directed towards you or your mom.<br>
look- I’m not trying to play psychologist but your dad probably has some easily definable personality disorders. You may want to speak to a professional and find out the best way to handle the situation.
my gut feeling tells me- don’t put anything in writing. A quick and breezy phone call may be sufficient.
but Please be strong- and get info from a professional and learn techniques to harden and emotionally protect yourself when dealing with daddy dearest. Having dysfunctional family members is a real tough life situation to be in.
and I’ll end in a similar vein to nysmile–
“move on and begin to build your own life”
You seem to be a great kid- and you are trying to do the right thing. I’m rooting for you and your mom!!</p>