<p>Funny, but a few weeks ago, I couldn’t stop crying at the thought of my daughter leaving next fall to go away to college, though I’m a firm advocate of students leaving home and to meet new people and have new experiences. In the last several days, I’ve stopped crying, as my sadness has been overtaken by irritation. I’ve been reading about so-called “helicopter” parents and how colleges feel the need to help us (I realize I may appear to be such a parent.) let go of our children. It seems that the expectation on the part of a number of people is that I simply deliver my child at the appointed time and place, tolerate a few perfunctory welcome gestures, then GET LOST. And by the way, on the way to getting lost, I must make sure I’ve arranged to pay thousands and thousands of hard-earned dollars for the privilege. </p>
<p>Having been a schoolteacher and administrator, I know how some parents can indeed hover and become pests, though, in my experience, they often had the best of intentions. To me, making sure your child has everything he or she needs to facilitate living and learning in the college environment is not hovering. It’s called parenting, and there is more than one way to do that. For those who are comfortable with letting their children find their own way through difficulties, good for you. To some extent, I agree with you; however, all children are not the same, and “sink or swim” is not always the right approach, as some folks do drown when thrown into the creek:-).</p>
<p>I don’t have an immediate solution for what schools should do about parents who go overboard. I only know that I will not be rushed in making sure my daughter is secure when I head back home. I will do all that I can, in the (reasonably) allotted timeframe, to get as much of a sense of where I’m leaving her as possible. And, in leaving, I will assume that those in whose charge I place her will hold up their end of the bargain; that is, keep her safe and educate her. In fact, the best way to keep me at bay is to not shift to “automatic pilot” once they think I’m gone.</p>
<p>There is a book called “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee” which I have not read, but other people have raved about. And freshman year of college may be a little late to start implementing its suggestions, but anyway…it’s in part about letting kids make their own mistakes, not having everything done for them, not being treated as hothouse flowers.</p>
<p>They grow through doing things themselves, even if they do it “wrong” the first time!</p>
<p>Edit: Maybe worse on some campuses than others, but there apparently is a huge problem with parents not being willing to just leave at the appropriate time. These are not kindergarteners leaving home for the first time…they are grown people. Still “in process,” it is true, but they should be pretty capable.</p>
<p>My husband teaches at a top tier LAC. Last night we had thirty freshman at our house for a labor day picnic. These are kids, much like all of yours, who come from all over the country, some have been away from home before, some who this is the first time they have ever been out of their very small town. Since we just dropped off our freshman son, I raised the issue of parents leaving with the kids. Overwhelmingly, the consensus was that the kids wanted to make the decision of when the parents were to leave. They did not want their parents to make that decision, they did not want the college to make that decision. They wanted to be able to say “Now is the time for you to leave” and have their parents leave. Interestingly about two thirds of the kids said they thought that this was how it worked out for them, eight of them said their parents stayed way too long, and only one thought her parents hadn’t stayed long enough. Talking to them some more, five of the kids who thought their parents timed it right found their parents had stayed less time then the girl who thought her parents had left too early, and only two of the kids who thought their parents timed it right found their parents had stayed to the very end of orientation. </p>
<p>I guess what I took away from this is to take your cues from you kid, listen very carefully and the very first time your kid says “I’m ready”, smile, give a quick kiss and wave goodbye.</p>
<p>Parents love to be helpful in finding out where things are on campus, where the branch bank is near campus, and so forth. However, these are things the student can find out on his/her own, either online, by consulting a campus map, or by asking the RA or (gasp!) other students. </p>
<p>And we’ve all had the experience of being on the way home and thinking of several last things we forgot to remind the child of. Take your medicine, don’t wash lights with darks, be careful at the ATM at night… </p>
<p>If we stayed another week we’d STILL think of things we forgot to tell them! Let it go, and call, text, or email them if it’s <em>really</em> important.</p>
<p>"To me, making sure your child has everything he or she needs to facilitate living and learning in the college environment is not hovering. "</p>
<p>I don’t think parents need to stay to make sure kids have everything they need to facilitate living and learning in the college environment. If something needs to be purchased, the student can do this off campus or on-line. If the student needs something like social skills or assertiveness, a parent’s hovering isn’t going to supply those things especially since a parent had 17-19 years to teach those skills.</p>
<p>^Exactly. <em>Everything</em> he or she needs??? </p>
<p>If you know your kid needs a piece of furniture, arrange to get it while your car is still available to them. If they need toothpaste, they can figure out where the nearest drugstore is without you. And little things like that make them feel accomplished. :)</p>
<p>oh for god’s sake. When we were in college, if you needed something you took a city bus to Sear’s or Penney’s, ordered it, waited a week, and then it got to you. Toothpaste, shampoo- that’s what the little drugstore around the corner was for. Anything more exotic- you could wait a few weeks until parent’s weekend.</p>
<p>I have a neighbor who dropped her kid off two weeks ago and has been back three times already- last time with “snacks” which included a 36 bottle crate from Costco of bottled water. Does a kid on a full meal plan need $200 worth of snacks in the room? And can’t the kid figure out how to buy a granola bar on his own?</p>
<p>It is nice to have your kids feel at home. It is weird to provide a “shop at home” service for a kid who lives 60 miles away and is perfectly capable of using a vending machine.</p>
<p>I think you guys are getting little too literal. When we sent DD off to Israel for 9 months, we tried to make sure we had sent her off with everything she needed to take for a successful time. Now obviously a 9 month supply of tooth paste was not among those needs. “Needs” assumes the child will do, buy, act, etc. Ergo, “needs” are specific to EACH child. Some children will manage to find a way to get transport for any furniture they need. SOME children will design and build furniture from scratch. Some children will need a helpful note about where to buy toothpaste. Now we tried to raise our DD so that by 18 she could figure out herself where to buy toothpaste. In a foreign land with no Rite Aid or CVS (we did have an interesting discussion about how hard it would be to figure out the right shampoo when all bottles lacked english labels - we decided a travel size bottle would save space and get her through till she was acclimatized enough to at least know what and how to ask for help)</p>
<p>and 17 years learning social skills from us? Well I dunno. Again not all kids are the same. Ours had ADHD and social skills issues. We did our best. These last 15 months we saw MASSIVE improvements. But not cause of anything we did that we hadn’t done before (and believe you me, we did whatever we could) Now I believe some parents by not giving kids enough freedom in the HIGH SCHOOL years do not teach independence enough. But I still think, based on our own experience, there could be kids with major issues on assertiveness etc at 18 through no fault of the parents.</p>
<p>“When we were in college, if you needed something you took a city bus to Sear’s or Penney’s, ordered it”</p>
<p>I know a lot of kids around here (Fairfax cty VA) who managed to graduate HS never having taken a city bus on their own. When I was in HS I took the subway to school every day.
(And yes, dammit, it DID go uphill both ways. the designers of the NYC subway system were just THAT good)</p>
<p>". But I still think, based on our own experience, there could be kids with major issues on assertiveness etc at 18 through no fault of the parents. "</p>
<p>True. But if a student is 18 and away at college, the counseling center, not the parents, is how the student can learn assertiveness. The parent’s hanging around probably would delay the student’s learning assertiveness skills, not help the student become more assertive.</p>
<p>I’m with malex and brooklyn as well. Maybe its cynical but I think a bunch of the parents-go-home stuff is for the convenience of the school. SOME kids (mine) won’t be able to buy that granola bar while they’re working out his class schedule, starting a new job, finding lost keys, meeting with the new club team and trying to connect with people. I left without fully supplying him (partly feeling pressure) and I feel bad. His schedule has been such that he’s had to miss meals and I think he’s just been hungry.</p>
<p>Also on the parents-butt-out topic - ds’ advisor advised him to take a very hard sequence of classes in an area that is not ds’ primary interest, but is his advisor’s. Ds had been on campus less than 24 hours so he said ok. The advisor either didn’t know or didn’t care that ds has a tough schedule anyway, skipping over intro classes, and has serious time-management (probably ADD) problems. The advisor just didn’t have his interest at heart and he wasn’t until he talked to me that he realized that was ridiculous for take those classes for no reason. He had already made the change and fortunately was able to undo it. Especially when kids are stressed and in an unfamiliar place it is easy not to have the best judgment, and usually, a parent is the one who truly has the kid’s back. Hopefully, in a few months I can butt out, but it just isn’t time yet. </p>
<p>There are clearly parents who take it too far and can’t let go. But reasonable levels of support should be okay.</p>
<p>I’ve seen it where they structured the parents time so it was clear when we should be there and when we should go home. For instance, a “parent’s weekend.” That way, your kid can say, “hey, I’ll see you in a week for parent’s weekend” and it wouldn’t be excessively awkward.</p>
<p>We are two weeks post-drop-off so I have some perspective now.</p>
<p>Yes, I had some sad moments before that and couldn’t envision the “good-bye.” However, I did a lot of positive self-talk. It’s not “good bye” – she’s not going to war or anything like that. In fact, it was so much easier than leaving her at sleepaway camp the first time (same distance away but in the other direction). She’s got her cell phone and laptop (no access to the outside world at sleepaway camp!) and I can contact and even visit her whenever I want! So far, I’ve left the ball in her court - waiting for her to contact me, and I’ve been happy with all the FB messages, txts and few calls - and know I will see her soon at parents weekend.</p>
<p>This is the same college as zoosermom – and I agree that they gave the parents the message about going home loud and clear at new student orientation in the summer in a funny, but firm, way!</p>
<p>D was anxious to start her new life and I was so happy for her having that opportunity. I remember my first day of college and certainly wanted her to have the same wonderful experience.</p>
<p>"True. But if a student is 18 and away at college, the counseling center, not the parents, is how the student can learn assertiveness. The parent’s hanging around probably would delay the student’s learning assertiveness skills, not help the student become more assertive. "</p>
<p>Look. To help MY DD learn assertiveness and maturity, I sent her to the other side of the globe. She doesn’t yet have a phone (long story), and the time difference makes even internet chatting in real time difficult. She is definitely learning to resolve things without mommy and daddy’s help.</p>
<p>But I wanted to speak up for some other parents who handle some things differently. And especially the jumping on “everything he needs” which I CHOSE to interpret as being a “every reasonable need” and not literally, as if the parent was going to leave behind a years worth of bottled water in case precious got thirsty in the middle of the night.</p>
<p>We dropped off a case of water with our boys when they started school. With fridges that couldn’t even be turned on for 24-48 due to the compressor coils regulating (did you all know that?), with 100 degree weather at drop off and kids with no vehicles and a jam packed orientation schedule heading into classes, this purchase helped my son and his roommates cope with a too-warm room and to stay hydrated. </p>
<p>Buying a case of water for $5 helped save our family’s budget. At $2 a bottle in the on campus convenience store, it does add up. And meal plans don’t take care of everything! Those extra little conveniences come out of their debit card…which I pay for later. </p>
<p>Granted, I didn’t run out and stock the room with multiple cases of water…but I don’t begrudge any family doing what they need to, in saving on expenses or providing for their kid, particularly in those transition days and weeks. </p>
<p>Samurai–No, no, this was a woman who reportedly drove 60 miles to drop off goodies that included a case of water bottles.</p>
<p>Sorry if anyone took it the wrong way. Next we’ll have the actual woman weighing in to say her son has a medical need for a special kind of water. Sorry!!!</p>
<p>I’d cut that mom some slack. She may just be a very giving person who likes to surprise loved ones. It doesn’t mean, necessarily, that the kid is needy or dependant.</p>
<p>OK, I think we can agree that different families have different practices or standards, and what one family finds normal, another will find the fodder for amusing stories. In both directions.</p>
<p>Some years ago I was appalled to hear Garrison Keillor (Lake Woebegone) gently mocking parents who “overprotected” their little ones with car seats. It was about the whole SUV thing, when SUVs were new. At this time car seats were standard practice but maybe not mandatory in all sections of the country, or he was just reflecting his outdated standards. I was shocked to find that what we knew to be normal safety could be mocked as silly by someone on public radio.</p>