<p>I think parents can help by talking up the safeties before the decisions come out. Talk about how great all the schools on the list are.</p>
<p>And then, when the decisions come out, talk down the schools that rejected your kid. Remind him of their disadvantages, and why you were never convinced they were a good fit for him in the first place. Do your best to hide your own disappointment, and emphasize how proud you are that he’ll be going to such a great school. While he may not show it, he cares what you think and it will hurt worse if he also thinks he’s disappointed you. Say, “Your strategy worked and you’re going to a great school that’s a great fit for you.”</p>
<p>helpingmom – I’m with you – Trying to find a safety for a relative (not my kid) and really can’t find anything.</p>
<p>The problem is a combo of the major she is interested in and the finances – We’re in PA. Our “true” state schools would be a financial safety, but they have limited majors. The state affiliated schools (Pitt, Penn State) are double the tuition of true state schools and not financially a safety.</p>
<p>We changed the focus of safeties to schools where she can get good merit.</p>
<p>The “financial” safety will be community college for 2 years. Right now, the student would rather spend 2 years home than 2 years at a school that doesn’t hold her interest. I don’t believe this is really what she wants and expect if merit/fa packages don’t come thru she will disappointed.</p>
Sometimes circumstances dictate that there IS no true safety school. In those cases, better to have a safety that you’re “only OK with attending” than to have a safety that you hate. </p>
<p>Throughout much of my college search, the #1 criteria was intimate size: preferably LAC, max 5k students. Yet, with my family’s financial need (15k EFC) and my parents’ insistence on some level of prestige if they were to pay that much, my only financial safety was the in-state flagship (my state does not have LAC-like public options, or many options period). With which I was “OK” but not “happy,” so to speak. But I, as a student, was OK with feeling just “OK.” My list was match-heavy and I did love both of my low matches (which met full need).</p>
<p>Short answer: You can’t force your kid to fall in love with a safety. But you can try your best!</p>
<p>Fendrock, I hope you’ll find a way to visit those safeties that aren’t quite as convenient, because that, as much as anything you say, will show that you view the safety(ies) as important too.</p>
<p>As much as I agree with the CC conventional wisdom to “love thy safety”, it helps to know your kid. My daughter, who attended her admittance safety, never “loved” it, but she would never have “loved” any of her schools; it’s just not in her nature. She’s a very pragmatic, dandelion kid…she grows where she’s planted. So when she decided to attend her safety, in part because they showed her significant financial love, she went in with a “make it work” attitude.</p>
<p>She graduated in the spring, and I have to say she did make it work. Although she doesn’t have a large group of friends from her college (again, not in her nature), she does have a small, close-knit group of friends. She has very tight relationships with many of her professors; she designed her own major; she agitated for change at the college in areas that were near and dear to her heart (and some of the changes were adopted); she turned her work-study job into a real resume boost; she was able to a work low-paying, but well-loved, summer job because her merit aid was so substantial; and she graduated magna cum laude with honors. She leaves for grad school in a few weeks, a Ph.D program that she doesn’t “love”…as she did not “love” any of the grad programs to which she applied. And I have no doubt that she’ll make it work.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>The whole process needs to be approached objectively. A “dream school” should never exist unless there is objective evidence indicating that it is actually significantly superior to a student’s other options. A more expensive school should not be selected unless there is objective evidence indicating that it will be worth the extra money to the student/family in question. This isn’t a good place for emotional attachment.</p></li>
<li><p>Reliving the past is not a constructive way to live life. Only worry about the available options. If all that’s available is a safety, then there really isn’t a choice to fret and worry over.</p></li>
<li><p>The safety search should indeed be put first. For many, the state flagship is a good option. Those of us without a good flagship or who live in a state with expensive state schools should look for OOS schools with guaranteed merit scholarships.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I’m about 1/2 way through the second of my 3togo … an in both cases a similar thing is happening. My kids are looking at the schools and deciding which schools they like best … and it does not really match up to the safety/match/reach at all. In both cases the schools they prefer the most are what CC would label as matches … they both also like additional schools which were “safeties” and “reaches” … but the preference order had little to do with reach/match/safety. I also think each kid has seen atleast a dozen schools they thought would be fine including many matches and safeties. At this time I’m pretty much convinced if a student focus on attirbutes of a school they like they will develop a list that will work fine for them and will yield a great college experience (as long as the criteria is not get into the most selective school possible).</p>
<p>Longhaul, what major does your relative want? I know kids going to many of the PA smaller schools that find their field of study. PA has a lot of choices for colleges, both private and public. Of course throw in some privates for merit money, but it’s hard to get enough in scholarship unless those test scores are real high to make the difference. Despite my son’s very high test scores and his nice merit awards, the state schools ended up being the least expensive options by far. Getting enough money to make that much of a difference on a $50K+ cost is not easy even for strong students.</p>
<p>Are the Penn State satellite schools reasonably priced? I have heard that some of them are very nice, including the Harrisburg campus, for example. Also Grove City, York College are two PA private school with reasonable price tags. Also is communting to a local private school an option?</p>
<p>In our case, it will be “Accept your safety”. “Love your safety” sounds good, but in reality, it is too big a stretch.</p>
<p>Echoing what the Longhaul and others have said, finding a safety school that is both a financial safety and has the needed major can be difficult. Some areas of the country have limited in-state public options and if your kid is not interested in an LAC, there aren’t a lot of schools left to consider. In our case, the state flagship has the major, and is a financial safety, but will he be excited to attend? No, but he will accept attending there if needed. </p>
<p>A warning about visiting your safety schools: we thought we had identified another good safety. Then we visited. He won’t be applying.</p>
<p>Can’t do much if your kid fixates on certain schools and refuses to interest self in any safeties. Some kids do that. It just hurts if that is where the chips land. You can only do your best to find the best possible match in some safeties so there is some choice and the chances that the school works out are higher. And then let your student cry and be sad that things didn’t work out the way s/he wanted. You can cry too.</p>
<p>My closest friend’s daughter was set on going to Wash U in StLouis, and she had the stats to get in there. She was waitlisted and despite doing everything by the book to clear it, did not get an place there. She was devastated. Hurt even more in that some friends and classmates were accepted there with similar stats, possibly lower–who knows about that, but that’s how the story goes. She was also rejected by NW, the only other reach school on her list, and those were the only two schools she really even considered. The rest of the schools were just filler that she picked because of the reach/match/ safety rule and the counselor really felt that she had a reasonable chance at both of her reaches. So my friend did cry with her daughter, and then they looked at their choices and picked from there. She never put down the daughter or chastised her getting so fixated on those two schools. By the time fall arrived, the D was comforting the mom.</p>
<p>I have to agree with love thy safety. My son loved his and would have been perfectly happy attending it. The president of my son’s graduating class gave a 5 minute speech on how devastated she was that she didn’t get into her top choice or any of her other choices and had to “settle” for StateU. She was up there, nearly in tears because she was sure that even if she didn’t get into her top choice (my son was admitted and will be attending this fall), she’d at least get into one of her “match” schools.</p>
<p>I have been on CC too long and have read “love your safety” too often, and I am not a believer of it. It sounds great, but in realty a kid knows it´s a safety, and it´s hard to love it. I think a parent loses credibility when trying to convince a kid that his safety school is just as good. It would be like telling a kid every piece of his art work is wonderful. </p>
<p>College process is a a life lesson. I would take the opportunity to talk to my kid about reality of getting into a school, a job, or anything in life. What I tell my kids is to work as hard as possible before hand, once they have given it all then whatever happens there should be no regret. People get into their top choices because of hard work and also with a lot of luck. Once chips are down, then move on, don´t dwell on what could have or should have been, just try to make the best out of it.</p>
<p>I was devastated when my dream school rejected me- it really had felt PERFECT for me. It felt like being dumped, being told you weren’t good enough for reasons you just can’t comprehend. I cried for days afterwards, and it honestly took months before I could even think of the college’s name without a pang (I vowed never to say/ type its name!)
This was worsened because none of my matches offered adequate aid- leaving just a full ride at my safety.
I suppose I’m still reconciling myself to the situation… and maybe this fall, I’ll see it isn’t so bad after all. Or transfer. Or come back to my country and study. Basically, it’s a long process…</p>
<p>One thing for a student who is worried about the parental pursestrings to think about: taking that safety with merit money grants one some degree of freedom!</p>
<p>You know, a lot of us were once “in love” and got broken hearts before we eventually met our spouses. The pain of the break-up was very real at the time. In retrospect however, I suspect that a lot of you could identify with me when I say that I look at where I wound up and look at the previous relationship that was not to be and I say “Thank God! How close I came to missing out!”</p>
<p>I wouldn’t expect that to be of any consolation to a teenager who’s just learned that s/he’s not going to be at the college of her or his dreams, but there’s a pretty good chance that at some point in the future they’ll be grateful for the experiences, friendships and opportunities that the safety school provided.</p>
<p>The way we dealt with the safety issue is that my son did a lot of research, probably more than on his match and reach schools. His safety decision was based on: high probability for acceptance, solid academic reputation, and he had to really like the school and envision himself there. If all 3 criteria were not met, then the school was crossed off his list.</p>
<p>I’m the OP - thanks to everyone with your thoughtful replies.</p>
<p>I agree with those of you who have posted that, for some kids, it is just not possible to love safeties as much as they love their top choices. (And I say this as a person who already had one child delighted to enroll at one of the least selective schools on her list.)</p>
<p>Visiting a back up school for the first time when it is still a back up would be a very different experience than visiting for the first time, knowing this is one of your few possible options. So I don’t think we will spend the money and time until the acceptances have arrived.</p>
<p>One of the safeties is Early Action, so that is good.</p>
<p>It’s also helpful to hear that kids are resilient, and, like the rest of us, must learn to roll with the punches.</p>
<p>noimagination, You are very wise for your age, thank you for sharing your thoughts.</p>
<p>I am firmly in the “start with the safety” camp. It forces the student to think seriously about what they want verses what they truly need. Also built into the process is stepping back and taking a broader view of colleges. </p>
<p>We saw this process as a crucial step in our son’s development. If a person decides that there is a dream school, a dream job, one soulmate and so on, then that person is setting themselves up for a lot of potential trauma. Through his whole life we’ve tried to set the example that happiness both is a decision (we have food, shelter, health care, safety, etc.) and never found in only one place. </p>
<p>If he’d gotten into his ED school, wonderful. But by refusing to accept his initial decision that there was one school that was perfect for him, we were able to guide him through a more meaningful process. We started the dicussion his Sophomore year in high school and gave him the time he needed to step up to more mature ways of thinking.</p>
<p>There is no question that he did not love his safeties as much as his first choices but he was excited to attend them. That was the requirement.</p>
<p>My son did something very unusual on CC…he applied ED to a school that was a safety/low match for him, according to both the published metrics and the Naviance at our high school. </p>
<p>He fell in love with the school he is at – where he is thriving – and was terrified that if he applied RD that his application would get lost in the pile/be discounted because he was overqualified/ whatever scary scenario he could think of. Financially his choice was doable because of an inheritance he received in high school.</p>
<p>He is a child who has always seemed to make the right choices for himself and so while we discussed the fact he would be bound to the school if he changed his mind later in senior year, we let him apply ED. And held our breath for many months after his acceptance…as his friends received multiple acceptances, mulled their choices, etc.</p>
<p>My son got turned down by his ultimate safety. We still tease him about this.</p>
<p>He applied EA to his top two schools (Caltech and MIT). He was going to wait until the outcome before applying to the rest of his schools. </p>
<p>He didnt really have a safety. Then I sort of panicked, and had him apply to 4 state schools. He got accepted at three of them, and turned down by the least selective of them. </p>
<p>So, he got into Caltech and MIT which accepted less than 10%, UCLA and Berkeley which accepted about 20%, UCSD which accepted about 40% and turned down by UC Santa Cruz which accepted about 75%. (acceptance rates are from the year he applied…)</p>
<p>Better not love your safely too much. People do get turned down by safeties if they look too much like safeties.</p>
Then we visited. He won’t be applying.</p>