Students who must attend their safeties

Parents Forum
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<p>I think parents would be wise to point out that every May there are twenty fabulous thoroughbreds that run in the Kentucky Derby. Each and every one is a terrific creature – there are no dogs or donkeys in the race – but there will be only one winner. </p>

<p>So it goes with selective schools. You can be sleek and fabulous and valuable still not be in the winner’s circle. So you really have to be ready to go be fabulous elsewhere. </p>

<p>We are taking off soon to for freshman orientation for S2. He will be attending his safety. It is a warm, happy campus with lots to offer. No, it’s not Ivy or top 100 – but I think he will rapidly be a successful fish in a lovely pond. The more I learn about what the school has to offer, the happier I am that the kid is not on a killer treadmill elsewhere.</p>

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<p>Know of a friend’s D who was forced to attend her safety school. She had applied to several other schools (primarily small women only schools). Finances were not an issue - so admission was the roadblock. Friend and D alike put on a good face about it - she said she was thrilled to be going to school etc etc. Fast forward a year - it was obvious friend’s D was unhappy where she was. She took a semester off (other circumstances at home gave her a good excuse to do this as well) and then transferred to a smaller womens school near Boston. Not one on her original list. She’s much happier there now,due to graduate next year (loss of one year). So, if it does not work out at the safety school, there are always options - although it could be more expensive in the long run.</p>

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<p>I think it is very wise for everyone to know that there are many pathways to follow. We get caught in an assumption that this process is all-or-nothing. </p>

<p>I think it helps in life, in the long run, to get a handle on this now, since these kinds of “got to get it” situations will come up over and over - with jobs, marriages, incomes, even their own kids’ accomplishments. Why not build an open-minded approach, full of patience and a commitment to making things work, starting with this experience?</p>

<p>I know that sounds trite, but the alternative is very scary - a lifetime of competitive, regretful or even bitter feelings about things that could so easily be seen more positively and compassionately.</p>

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<p>Your first choice school could be a disappointment and the wrong choice as well. Seen it happen many times.</p>

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<p>This is one thing I wish I knew before applying. I picked somewhat generic safeties for kids in my school in the top 10% without much consideration. I did visit them and liked them at the time, but they were safeties so I didn’t really think much about them. After being rejected from all my reach/match schools, I was quickly put in a very tough situation. I was waitlisted at Columbia (reach) and Carnegie Mellon (low match), but eventually I was rejected. I held on to whatever hope I had left for Columbia, which was my second choice out of 15 schools, but I was rejected. Now I will be leaving for Northeastern in a few weeks, and I can’t say I’m over it yet at all, but I am doing everything I can to keep a positive attitude. I realized how much I should have focused on schools I definitely would get into and I actually found schools that would have been much better safeties for me. It was and still is a massive disappointment, but I learned a lot from it and I know what I have to do now going into my freshman year. </p>

<p>One thing I should point out is that you may not be excited to go to your safety, but you will certainly be excited to go to college. I’ve been looking forward to it for the last four years and it’s finally almost here. Sure, I’m not going to MIT or Columbia and I would be a lot more excited if I were, but it’s still college, and there are countless things that go along with that simple fact that do not vary between schools. I’ve been trying to focus on those things and prepare to work extremely hard so I can try to transfer next year. Just remember, even if you’re not excited about your school, just by virtue of the fact that you’re on this website, you will be excited for college when the time comes.</p>

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<p>It is sooo easy to pick those reach and super reach schools, and so fun to daydream about going to them and talk about them, rolling those names off your tongue. The true work in college applications is finding those schools that will very likely take you, will meet your academic goals and level, and where you can enjoy living. Tough to do for kids who have had visions of ivies dancing in their heads for a long time. There really is no way it is not a disappointment if that has been your goal–to get into a super selective college. But all students should make that an important mission in completing that college list.</p>

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<p>“love thy safety.”</p>

<p>We’re focusing on relative safeties now. I keep telling people to pray that D falls in love with xxx schools, which of course are affordable and she’d reasonably be accepted to. thanks for reiterating the importance of her approval as we schedule tours of these schools.</p>

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<p>thealbatross:</p>

<p>I wish I would have been as smart as your parents were. I especially like the concept of visiting “likely” schools only. That’s where we made our mistake. We visited elite schools two years ago, long before we found this website and learned how impossible it was to be accepted at them.</p>

<p>Too Late. She was in love. She even told me, after April 1st of course, that she wishes we would have started looking at lower tier, geographically closer schools first. Ouch. I’ll always regret that we made that mistake.</p>

<p>But we’ll do better with younger D.</p>

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<p>Rising senior in college here. I applied to 5 schools and ended up at my absolute last choice, bottom of the barrell, no way would I ever go there even if it’s all I have. Like every fairytale out there, now I totally love it and couldn’t see myself anywhere else. Here are the ways I justified it to myself and got ready and learned to “love thy safety.”</p>

<p>1) Remove or get rid of all influences from other colleges you might rather attend. Give the Yale shirt to Goodwill and start reppin’ Big State U. Get a car decal. Having a graduation party? Use your new school’s colors as the theme. Change your facebook network. You get the idea. Surround yourself by the new stuff so you just get used to the idea of saying “Hey, I’m going to Big State U.” Do you have friends going to your new school? Hang out with them. Do you know people who constantly bash your school (coming from an elite private high school, my state’s big public u (which is where I go now) was almost constantly raked over the coals)? Avoid them. Have you had the chance to go visit your new school (now that it’s yours, and you’re no longer a prospective student?) If not, do it. Do whatever it takes to get excited about your new place.</p>

<p>2) I used the other acceptances–for me, to U Michigan and UVa (I’m outta state for both)–as incredible validation that hey, I really AM among the best of the best, and that was a good way for me to come to terms with feeling less than stellar about going to the school I didn’t want to go to. (I didn’t have to deal with universal rejection though, so this might not apply to some other people). Just because you go to the same school as kids who don’t care about school or party all the time or whatever doesn’t mean that you’re like that or that you’ll automatically become that–you can still be YOU, a good student with lots of goals, dreams and aspiriations, and can definitely achieve them at the school you’re going to. </p>

<p>3) Realize that 2+2 is always 4, macroeconomics always talks about financial markets on a larger scale, fraternities are never parts of “dry campus,” cell biology lectures are always dry, and home football games are nearly sold out (assuming you go to a school with a team). The point is that chances are, you’re going to get a GREAT education no matter where you go. Sure the small classes and individual attention and competitive student body of elite schools might be nice, but that’s probably all available at your school too…you just may have to work harder to find it. Honors college? Business fraternity? A rigorous major without many kids in it? etc. I’m kind of a nerd so the academic side was big–but you might swap social scene, sports teams, etc for the academic environment in this example.</p>

<p>4) (This probably only works if you didn’t have your heart absolutely set on one particular school.) Imagine yourself packing all your stuff up for college, loading it into (the the mode of transportation) and going to your new school. You get there, unpack your stuff, set up your room, look through all your new student materials. Then maybe you go out for a walk, explore your campus a little bit, grab a bite to eat at the student union. Later on you swing by the bookstore, pick up your books, and walk through campus to figure out where your new classes will be. That afternoon a few kids from your floor are playing a pickup ultimate frisbee game on the front lawn so you stop to join them for a little while, then you guys order pizza and hang out in your new dorms. As you’re going through this mental game of psyching yourself up for college, are you paying attention to the name of the school emblazoned across your hoodie? Did you notice specific buildings that only fit on the campus of one particular school? I highly highly doubt it. The things that mattered during that exercise were how you felt, how excited you were, and how you started to adjust. Those things are common to EVERY SCHOOL and many would argue that the education which happens outside the classroom is just as important (maybe more important) than what happens inside. In the end, the name of your school isn’t really going to matter. What matters is you, and how you deal with it, and what path you CHOOSE to start making your dreams come true. Might as well start choosing things that make you happy, and stop dwelling on the might have beens.</p>

<p>All it takes it a tiny bit of attitude adjustment. Good luck and most of all, have fun!</p>

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<p>Kristin, great post! Thank-you.</p>

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<p>Wow Kristin! You clearly have a great head on your shoulders. Thanks for sharing this. Enjoy your Senior year!</p>

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<p>My son was accepted EA by his first choice school, a small LAC…but he hated it. So, after successfully completing his freshman year, he transferred not to any of the other schools he was accepted to, but to a local school–a large public university that wasn’t even on his original list. Now, he is happy, thrives, and will graduate with honors next spring. All goes to show that there’s no one path to success.</p>

<p>NB - And, may I add, that his first choice school nickeled and dimed him on academic and need-based finaid, while his current school basically has given him a full ride…and no 'tude. Happy son…happy parents! Win-win!</p>

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<p>Wow, Kristin – I think we just saw the difference between 18 and 21/22. Great post! I hope my D matures as well!! Good Luck senior year.</p>

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<p>I also want to second what cptofthehouse wrote above about students who DO get into their first choice school and DO go there only to be unhappy - I was one of them! Going to your first choice school - based on one or two visits in hs and what you think you want when you are 17 - does not guarantee a happy ending. Sometimes - our expectations are too high at that first choice school - we expect the idyllic, perfect college experience - and when bumps in the road occur - we are so incredibly disappointed.</p>

<p>Managing your expectations is a big part of being happy at college - whether at your first choice school or at the safety you never expected to attend.</p>

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<p>Great post, Kristin. Yes, Rockvillemom, if you poll those kids who transfer out, a good number of them are not at their safety schools.</p>

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<p>Thanks Kristin for posting – lots of good advice there!</p>

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<p>This thread continues to surprise and amaze. I think in many ways it condenses everything about what we’d like kids to understand about the mysteries and wonders of life in general. Getting into college is not having the right key to get through a gate where on the other side your dreams come true. It is more like opening the first in a series of doors to rooms you never have seen before, and some you didn’t know were even there. </p>

<p>Kristin, you have my salute. I’d love to post your story on every HS guidance office wall in the US!</p>

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<p>Kristin: Your post is more powerful than you’ll ever know!! Thanks!!</p>

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<p>We just got back from freshman orientation/parent day. Beautiful campus. Good food. Tiny dorm space. Kristin is right – lots of campuses are this. </p>

<p>Happy news – we wandered through the information booth room. There was an Honors booth, so I struck up a conversation with the prof at the table. He was certainly experienced in parents who think their kids are wonderful and politely listened to me talk about my kid. My kid joins us. Prof asks to see his “Stats” sheet. Kid hands it over. Prof starts reading and laughing. Kid has great SAT scores, mediocre GPA (one of the reasons we are at the safety!). </p>

<p>“You belong in Honors” the prof says. He takes out a card, scribbles some stuff on it and hands it to kid. “Take this over, right now, and register in Room ABC”. Kid is no dummy. He recognizes that this is an opportunity to register an hour earlier than originally scheduled. He comes back an hour or so later, grinning ear to ear. They took him, despite the sad GPA. He’s all signed up and they rolled out the welcome mat for him. </p>

<p>Yeah, I’m feeling good about this path.</p>

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<p>Another great story!</p>

<p>My D could definitely end up at a school where a way of beefing up her experience would be to do Honors. I hope she can get such a warm invitation!</p>

<p>PS - good for you, mom! Maybe the kids want to fall through a hole in the ground when we “strike up” those kinds of conversations, but it shouldn’t stop us. So much can be at stake!</p>