I am so sorry you and your child are going through this tough time 
You mentioned wanting her to learn that she can “weather any storm”, but I think it is also a wonderful lesson to learn she can always count on her family when she is in distress. This wasn’t meant to be a punishment, if it is making her this miserable - let her come home
An update–in exchange for everyone’s help, you get to see the drama as it unfolds. 
Had another long, productive, understanding talk with the study abroad director, who’d had his own long, productive, understanding talk with the in-country program director. Turns out that after my D talked with her program director, he started looking at ways in which they could help her succeed. He’s going to (or possibly already has had a) talk with her about how they will accommodate, starting with eliminating her language study portion (!) while granting her credit for the math course. I know, I know, you’re all thinking “but that’s the entire purpose of study abroad!”, except in her case the goal posts have shifted. I’d never even thought of that as an option, and am impressed that the staff is flexible enough to even consider it. As of next week, when they hit the halfway point on classroom time, she’ll have earned half the credit for language study regardless.
The program also has (or has access to) several counselors/therapists who work with students on the program, and they will encourage her to talk with someone–they will only “force” this when they feel someone is at risk of hurting themselves. Now that they appreciate all that she’s been going through, there will also be more efforts to offer non-academic support. The program director emphasized that she’d really accomplished a great deal just by managing, and that will be emphasized to her. The program students are spending the weekend away on a study trip, so she will be directly under the staff’s watchful eye. And they’ll make sure that her host family (who really are wonderful) know what’s going on.
We will keep the option to fly her home in our back pockets, but unless we hear otherwise from the staff that it is an emergency we will not allow her yet to exercise the choice to do so, until we see if the proposed measures will help over the next few days.
Glad to hear that your concerns are being taken seriously by the decision makers. One small thing you mentioned is sticking in my brain…the desire for your D to get to the gym and exercise, but there is a safety concern about her walking the 7 minutes to get there. I encourage you to look into possibilities of how to get her transported to that gym safely so she can get regular exercise. I firmly believe that regular exercise can lift your spirits as well as strengthen your body.
Hugs to you as you navigate all these issues from afar.
I had an awful study abroad experience as a college senior (Mine was a direct enroll, not sponsored by my University). I had traveled extensively and had been an exchange student in high school. I was more than prepared to handle the situation, that is until one bad event, a sexual assault by a stranger, tipped the scale. Suddenly the heavy coursework, homesickness, foreign environment and so forth, things that I would normally have been able to handle, were just no longer “doable”.
I was 3 quarters away from graduating and I struggled with what the best decision would be, should I stay and tough it out or pack it in and go home? I worried about the money my parents had wasted, would I be able to graduate on time, what would all my friends say, how would I explain it to people. I struggled for weeks, tried to put on a brave face, sought counseling but not having the support of friends and family and being in a foreign country was just too much. In the end I went home, it was the best decision at the time. I actually did not tell my parents why I was coming home, I just said I would be home and to pick me up at the airport. Needless to say my parents wanted an explanation and when I was able to tell them they were supportive, maybe a bit reserved in their support. They let me handle the formulation of a workable game plan. I immediately spoke with my academic advisor and we set out an academic plan that had me double up on classes the next quarter, I did an online course and some independent study as well. I had to be forthcoming with my professors about why I needed to permission to take more classes than usual, but I found that when I was honest about the situation most everyone were understanding and helpful. I graduated on time, it is doable. (Funny thing is I met my husband when I returned home and was waiting for the next quarter to start) I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason.
With that said, I also have always regretted returning home, although it was really the best decision at the time. I have always felt, as you say, “I didn’t weather the storm”. But it was the decision that I made at the time and it was the right decision. It has been a learning lesson my whole life, sometimes you just have to make the best decision at the time and live with the consequences. Please not discount that even with the accommodations that the school is willing to make the situation may just be too overwhelming for her at this point and she is struggling with knowing that she may or may not be judged for her reaction to an overwhelming situation.
And, another update.
After a lot of ups and downs–especially, a lot of downs, including some messy/nasty social cohort issues–had a long discussion with D. Laid all the cards on the table about options: stay, stay and modify/reduce coursework, or come home early. Leaving the program early would be with the expectation that she complete her coursework back home. We encouraged her to look at the pros and cons of each of these options. I told her that she wouldn’t like any of the options, but that the choice of what to do was entirely hers, not ours. We don’t want her telling us later that we forced her into doing X when Y would have been the better path.
She decided to reduce her course load, reducing her language program to a bare minimum. After a great deal of waffling, she also decided to remain until the end of the program. She is catching up on her work, her reports about what she’s doing are positive, and there are far fewer phone calls home. She was very invested in wanting to complete the work while abroad, not have it hanging over her head during break or during future semesters.
She’s also spitting mad about the election results, which seems to have replaced the depression.
Her college’s study abroad director has been trying to contact her by phone, but she’s been busy–he caught her in a coffee shop, and she said she was busy. He asked how she was doing, and she said “great!”. He will continue to try to touch base with her. The site director reports that she’s doing OK as well.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe, even, the tunnel is disappearing. Just about a month to go; hoping the current state of affairs holds.
Thank you for the update. It sounds like she’s struggling, but doing better, and, most importantly, receiving the support she needs. It’s good the people in charge are flexible and checking in on her, although she really should make an appointment to report on her needs and issues.
WRT ^ Be aware that for young people abroad, the elections results are difficult, not only because the outcomes are not what they may have wanted, but also because they suddenly become “Americans” in the eyes of everybody around them and thus the focus of people’s fears and wrath. In Eastern Europe, there’s anguish about NATO bonds being weakened and the US letting the “Russian bear” swallow (“annex”) them. In Western Europe, there’s the worry it’s an omen of things to come in their own elections, not to mention complete economic collapse from tariffs and trade barriers and restrictions of all kinds.
Individuals may feel pity for Americans, but also anger and spite, and it may fuel anti-americanism. It is a very difficult situation to handle, so you need to prepare her. Mostly though, I’ve seen terror and mockery, not hostility.
She - and whatever people in her cohort - should try and reach out to local high schools’ English teachers, to see if they can speak in classesabout the elections, explain everything they know and feel, perhaps reassurethem, and even allow herself to vocalize her own fears. It has a double effect - it can be cathartic to talk analytically and it can make sure the pupils keep a positive image of the US as a pluralistic democracy.
Just came across this thread. I spent a numbers of periods abroad, school and work, with various difficulties and was becoming quite upset for your daughter. I am so glad she is doing better.
One thing that stuck out for me: it sounds as if her circadian rhythm has been quite messed up, and that’s dangerous for someone prone to depression. She needs daylight and facetime and exercise during daylight hours and sleep at night (facetime with real people being preferable but they have found even the screen versions help). So if her new schedule enables her to get her medication and sleep schedule back on track, that should help. Also, as PP have said, you may need to throw a bit of money at getting her to a place to exercise - if it’s a taxi twice a week, so be it. And even if clubbing is not her favourite night out, if it gives her some facetime with other kids she can hang out with, suck it up and stick to the orange juice, and if the music is alright, get some dancing in, it’s all exercise.
It sounds as if you have made it clear to her that her health and safety comes first, before graduating on time or staying on track with classes. Sometimes kids can delude themselves into thinking that they need to stick things out for their parents, and are surprised that their parents priorities are much different from what they thought.
Thanks so much for the update and glad she is doing better.
So glad she is doing better. And you really did a great parenting job from afar which is no easy thing – recognizing the status quo wasn’t working, discussing a few reasonably choices to help improve/manage the situation, and insisting that your D make the final choice from the group of thoughtful alternatives. I hope that with the reduced course-load your D will get through the next month and hopefully end the experience on a more positive note.
Love the update, thanks! I think you handled the situation very well, and I think your daughter made rational decisions. In the end, she will have learned so much about herself, and about being an adult, thanks to this experience.
(Yea, it hurts when our kids have to suffer… but that IS part of growing up.)
Here’s hoping she’s turned the corner and is beginning to thrive.
Thanks much, all.
D1 studied abroad in Sydney with her best friend. Even though it was an English speaking country and she was there with her best friend, she had a very difficult time the first month. She cried on the phone every time I talked to her. She was living in an all girl dorm. The girls in the dorm didn’t want to have anything to do with her and her best friend. They would turn their backs on D1 in the dining hall and wouldn’t speak to her in the hall way.
I asked D1 what would make her feel better. Get this…She said she missed American TV shows/movies, texting and skyping her friends. Back then, Australia didn’t have “all you could eat” internet package. I got her one of the most generous internet/cell phone package in Australia so she could do streaming. I told her to just forget about the fact she was in Australia, just go to classes and watch American TV on her laptop in her room while she was there.
Fast forward, the first month I signed her up for the internet service the bill went through the roof, then she started branching out when she realized she was only there for few months. She became good friends with boys from the all boy college (dorm) across the street. They introduced her and her friends to their families and friends. The girls in her dorm then became friendlier when D1 and her friend were invited to many formals and parties. D1 ended up having a great time.
D2 also had a similar experience when we first moved abroad. She cried almost everyday for the first month. I think when she realized she could either try to make the best of it or just be miserable that was when it turned the corner for her. Unlike many international students, she integrated with the local students. She still sees a lot of them in NYC whenever they come to the States.