Study abroad going badly--what to do?

Parents Forum
1

Any parents with students who’ve had a really, really, REALLY tough time on study abroad?

The D is just under halfway through a semester in a large city in South America, a program run by her small LAC. She has been having a perfect storm of difficulties, and is growing increasingly depressed and stressed. She has been abroad before, though not for quite as long. Her older sister has travelled abroad extensively in the developing world and did study abroad in Europe, so this is not our first experience with having a student abroad.

The tough issues:

*A heavy academic load. The classroom hours for the lower-level language program are significantly longer than those for the higher-level or near-fluent level. In addition, she’s taking an intro math course (not a math major), which she needs for some coursework for next semester. All in all, she’s in class about 25% longer than any other student on the program.

*A heavy time commitment outside of class. Commute times are longer during study abroad; in addition, there’s significant additional time for getting to the math tutor.

*Social isolation. The lower-level language program is not on the main campus, where many of the programs matching study abroad students with students from the host country are organized. She is friendly with but not particularly close to other students from her school. Evening and weekend social life centers on going out to clubs and drinking, and she is not a drinker.

*The city is safe enough during the day, but it’s not somewhere where one can wander easily or safely at night, to the point that even in her upscale homestay area her host parents have said that it would be unsafe to, for instance, walk 7 minutes to they gym. Given her long classtime hours, it’s made it difficult to exercise on a regular basis, run errands, and the like.

*She uses ADHD medications, but as they keep her awake she does not like to use them in the evening. Unfortunately, that’s now the only time she has to do homework, giving her a choice between sleep or getting her work done.

*Not surprisingly, industrial-strength homesickness, made worse by a long-distance romantic breakup.

There are occasional days which go well, but those are becoming far more the exception than the rule.

We keep in touch with her regularly via text and some facetime. We’ve urged her to take advantage of the experience, to get through things one day at a time, to look at the long-range plan. We have attempted to find expat programs–not much, unfortunately. She did go to Jewish high holiday services, and had a good time with that community, which unfortunately is a 30-60 minute taxi ride away. The study abroad program does take the students on trips in and out of the city to see the usual tourist sights. There’s a volunteer work component to the program, and she does things with her (absolutely wonderful) host family once a week. Our suggestions to stay in email contact with friends and family are a mixed bag–sometimes it makes her feel more connected, but it also seems to worsen her homesickness. And we’ve suggested that she reach out and contact the therapist she worked with in high school to see if she can talk with the therapist by phone (she says no).

Finally, we suggested that she talk with the program staff on site. The person in charge was sympathetic and said that people do go through tough times on study abroad. Which may be the case, but she’s increasingly getting more and more depressed.

She has pretty consistently asked us to allow her to come home, which for all the obvious reasons–loss of a semester, with all of the implications of that, not to mention her not being able to feel that she’s able to weather a storm. Her school’s study abroad office has a philosophy that going through difficult times is part of the process of cultural immersion, and that weathering this is important for growing from the experience. I agree, yet this has been going on pretty much since the start of the program, and her texts are becoming sadder and sadder, the requests to come home becoming more persistent. I am finally at the point of calling the study abroad office and/or her college’s dean of students to find out what, if anything, the school can do to help offer her support. I’m wondering about ways to lighten her course load and time commitments (her volunteer hours were trimmed slightly, and the program staff on site says that no further adjustments can be made), convert graded courses to pass/fail, offer incompletes if needed.

For those of you who’ve read this far (and who are probably grateful that their child isn’t going through this tough a time! :wink: ), any other suggestions on how to proceed? Is this salvageable? I am contemplating going to visit, but because of unbreakable work commitments would not be able to do so for another week and a half.

Thanks for any suggestions.

2

I don’t have a lot of suggestions. Overall, I would pursue every avenue that you mentioned first. If things don’t improve with those efforts, and she is STILL truly miserable, I would allow her to come home. I say this IF this is particularly unusual for your daughter. In other words, if she is not ordinarily a quitter, per se, then you know this is atypical and just not a good situation for her and she can regroup and continue on after she leaves.

3

Sorry for your troubles. This sounds very difficult.

Honestly, if you think she’s a potential danger to herself, by all means bring her home today. Money can be replaced, she can’t be. That would be paramount in my mind.

Second of all, it is her decision. She’s an adult and understands the consequences.

Call the Dean of Students and get the logistics of taking a medical leave.

As far as the lost semester, some options to consider to mitigate some of the damage might be 1) a school with quarters has just started their first week - there may be still time to get into classes similar to the one she is taking. A school like Colorado College goes 1 course at a time and has starting points through the year. 2) Schools in Israel won’t start until after the holidays. Perhaps moving the study abroad to Israel would save a semester. 3) Worcester Polytechnic has 4 quarters from September to May. She would be home in time to start the second quarter on October 25. They must offer SOMETHING where the credits will transfer. Some schools have a January semester for which credit can be obtained.

Worst case, lose a semester and work with the college to make it up over the summer at numerous summer programs. That’s very doable. Some charge very low tuition.

As far as sticking it out… I would let her know that she’s welcome to come home, she may decide it’s worth staying anyway. If understanding the consequences, she still wants to come home, I would let her.

Good luck

4

Sames as above. Try to solve each problem separately. If it really doesn’t work, bring her back.

How about finding a different math tutor or pay her more so that the tutor will come to your daughter’s residence?

5

I would place a premium on your daughter’s health over the extra cost of extending by a semester, although I do feel your pain of doing so. But, before it comes to that, I do think you should reach out to the director of the local program as well as the study abroad program at the school. Give them a chance to assess the situation specific to your daughter and her situation and see what they can do to maybe be a little more hands on or make accommodations and adjustments. I’m sure they want her to be successful. Don’t pull the plug without making an attempt to address and alleviate the issues through those channels - the sooner the better IMO.

6

What was the (perhaps idealized) purpose of the study abroad? Learning the language? Cultural immersion? Just having an adventure? Get clarity on this before making any decisions.

I think the math ought to be the first thing to go. As I read through your post, it strikes me that this is the outlier. It’s chewing up time. It’s not consistent with the whole “living in another part of the world” piece. It’s a pain to get to.

Ask your d how many other problems go away by dumping math. And does dumping math yield any time to have greater connectivity with the local Jewish community? (over YK, meals in a family’s sukkah, even an every other week shabbat dinner?)

I realize it messes up her course sequence when she gets back… but if this is the straw that’s breaking the proverbial back…

7

I like @blossom’s suggestion of dropping the math course. It has little to do with her learning the language and culture. Not sure if it applies to your daughter’s school but at my kids’ LACs it is a lot less painful to tack on one more class to graduate than repeating a whole semester. There is a reduced rate tuition for one class, or she could take an extra course another semester or during the coming summer, etc. That sounds like a good option to consider to reduce your daughter’s anxiety, stress and workload. It might be the ticket to making the rest more bearable and getting out of the path of the “perfect storm” scenario.

8

One of my kids had an awful study abroad experience. Lonely (direct enrolled, not through a program, had to find own housing & sublet a studio where there were no other students), fairly long commute. Her academic load wasn’t too bad, though. But she was utterly miserable. Her high points by far were a visit from her college boyfriend halfway through the semester – his parents gave him a plane ticket as an early Xmas gift when he asked, a visit to another country where some of her college friends were durung a school break, and when a friend from the US studying a few hours awaycame to stay with D for a couple of days. I’d encourage her to stick it out, since it is just a semester. She is over 1/3 done, right? I’d go ahead and chat/Skype whenever she needs to – provide what support you can.

9

Agree with dropping the math if possible and somehow spending more time on the main campus. Are there any activities there she could join or at least a gym she could exercise in? Has she tried going out with the clubbers and not drinking? Maybe there are others who do that? Can one of you go to visit and really be able to talk to her or talk to the host family?

One of mine had a tough time when abroad for a teaching program. He was miserable in the location (very isolated) and the school was very negative to him and finding fault with everything he did. The hours were such that he had no social life. At first I really pushed him to stay and work through the issues as I thought of it as a potential growth experience. However, it just wasn’t getting any better and he really wanted to come home. I came to support his decision, especially after talking to a friend who is a counselor and said that someone who is actually depressed is not going to be able to make things better and his mental health is more important.

In this case, he was actually able to switch placements and did end up staying and was much, much happier when the environment changed. Otherwise, he would have come home.

Hugs to you and your daughter. Hope things can be worked out.

10

Thanks all, for the replies and commiseration.

Just got off a long and productive and sympathetic phone call with her college’s study abroad director.

Starting with the low-hanging fruit, they are happy to work with her on options like partial credit, extending completion of coursework to be dealt with after the return to the home country, and so forth. In fact, the local staff had already contacted the director here about that very option. They’ve done that before for other students.

There are therapists and counselors available locally, so that will be suggested. The director will be having a conversation with the site director about what’s going on.

Though I don’t like the idea of bringing her home for a short breather, I did mention it because I’m going through any and all possibilities. The director said that this has happened before, and in some cases is helpful or useful, though of course it can lead to just leaving the program totally. The reason I’m considering it now is that she’s had an especially bad emotional shock to the system, one where what she clearly wants is to be able to cry on someone’s shoulder pretty much 24/7. :frowning:

And then there’s the nuclear option of just truncating the program early. We talked through that, and the implications. Our (her parents) biggest concern is about her being able to finish her degree in four years. That is still possible, even if we yank the pin on this option. My concern with her finishing in four years is more about how emotionally she’ll feel about finishing in four versus 4.5, but it is a relief to know that the four year option is not closed off.

So now to discuss with the spouse and see how we want to proceed.

blossom, I realize that math looks very much like the outlier, and it is, but there are very good reasons why it stays in place. It’s a long story, but part of it is a change in major–this particular study abroad program was a very good fit for previous major, current major is related but has significant differences, everyone thought it would therefore still be a decent fit, but that turned out to be the wrong choice. Drat.

More suggestions of course appreciated; I’ll update as this plays out. Thanks, again.

11

Sometimes kids get very focused on a short term goal and ignore the big picture.

The long term goal is her emotional health and a college degree.

You will be surprised by the number of her peers and friends who end up “not walking” in commencement, or get empty envelopes in lieu of a diploma, or have to do a summer semester, or some other extension.

Given her misery, the fixation on finishing in four years AND a change in major to boot seems misdirected.

And I’m still questioning the math. Surely there’s a math instructor closer to her home so she doesn’t need to travel even if she can’t dump math? Or do it online??? I get needing to learn native proficiency of a language in the actual country. But math? When every U on the planet is offering an online math course???

12

Could you go to her? Does she have any breaks coming up? If you are going to buy a plane ticket anyway…,

13

I can’t get to her for at least a week and a half, otherwise I’d be on a plane already.

blossom, point taken about not walking/empty envelope. Will keep that in mind.

14

A week and a half doesn’t sound too bad (to us! outside of the situation!) Would she welcome the visit, can she wait 1.5 weeks, or does she just want to come home?

It’s so hard to know what to do as a parent!

15

“You will be surprised by the number of her peers and friends who end up “not walking” in commencement, or get empty envelopes in lieu of a diploma, or have to do a summer semester, or some other extension.”

This is very, very true.

16

I don’t have any great ideas other than ones noted above. Sorry she is having a tough time.

If she drops out of the program perhaps she can take some summer classes to make up the deficiency to graduate in 4 years. But yes, many students end up taking an extra semester or year. Her health (mental and physical) is most important.

17

My daughter had a very tough co-op in a city across the country. She had medical issues, a bad work environment, homesickness/loneliness, etc. It is similar to what your daughter is experiencing. I was able to help her in a few ways - spent quite a bit of time visiting (some of her friends did also), got her a variety of medical help locally, talked to her and let her cry to me on the phone any time day or night, and gave her the permission to quit and come home by taking a medical leave (whatever the consequences to that would be.) She stuck it out but I think her knowing that I would support her if she didn’t made a big difference.

I think you need to tell this to your daughter - her health comes first, you support whatever decision she makes, and you will welcome her back with open arms and work with her to pick up the pieces.

18

Make sure that your daughter continues her medication. If you must keep the math program, is there any possibility of having her room either on or closer to campus to decrease commute time and keep her closer to her social connections. If she cannot move, I would ask her campus if she could return there. Is there a math program that is comparable that she could transition into?

19

If you are considering a medical withdrawal, make sure that you understand the consequences. Be aware that some schools will treat a medical withdrawal for mental issues VERY differently than a withdrawal for a physical illness. At our school, it would be very difficult to enroll for the semester following a medical withdrawal for a mental health issue.

At the end of day, do what is best for your child. Risking your mental health is not worth it.

20

Oh, I’m sorry to hear about your daughter’s struggles. My daughter studied abroad in Spain when she was in 10th grade. We THOUGHT it went well, but recently her counselor told us she had a hard time and even had a panic attack!

You know my difficulties with my kids and mental illness, ranging from fairly minor to very severe. I would advise against stressing the necessity of graduating in four years. In my opinion, she does not need that pressure when everything seems to be falling apart. I sound like a broken record, but I will repeat the advice someone gave me when we were trying to figure out what to do about our son in college: “YOU WANT TO KEEP THE BALL IN PLAY.” The psychiatrist who sees my three kids keeps telling me, “It’s not a race, Mom. Let them go at their own pace.”

I’ve also talked about how my 20-year-old nephew ended his life a little over a year ago. He did it weeks before he was to study abroad. I can’t help but think that he was feeling stressed about that, plus finishing all his requirements to graduate in three years. I wish we had a do-over with him. :frowning: