Study: Hyper parents can make college-aged children depressed

Parent Cafe
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<p>I think there’s a balance that has to be struck. An agreement or a meeting of the minds has to take place regarding how much help a kid really needs, how much they want, and how much the parent is willing/can give.</p>

<p>I know for a FACT that my daughter usually appreciates the help I give her in figuring out a GENERAL path for course-work, because it’s complicated. To maintain her scholarships, she has to keep 15 hours a semester, which is actually challenging because she came into college with 35 hours already completed. And she’s honors, so certain classes HAVE to be honors, etc. So I help her, give her input and then back away. She works out the details with her adviser, and changes whatever she wants to and feels she can.</p>

<p>Laundry, housekeeping, homework, study habits, daily finances, social stuff, co-ed fraternity, juggling her activities and classwork, corresponding with her professors and taking care of daily business - she has that stuff. She doesn’t need me for that.</p>

<p>Tuition time: She needs me to help her sort where all the money is going to come from. I don’t do it for her, we discuss it together, we sometimes do it online together, and then she takes care of her own business at the business office.</p>

<p>Scholarships: I keep track of dates for her and let her know what is needed and pretty much drive her crazy when it’s scholarship renewal time. SHE HATES IT, but she really really appreciates it, because she knows she really needs the help. She sent me a thank you card after scholarship paperwork was done with a sweet note.</p>

<p>Hopefully one day, when I need her help, she’ll be there for me. I remind her of that. ;)</p>

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<p>^^^late - would this include the parents “red-shirting” their kindergarteners with the sole purpose of their child having an advantage over their peers? With a may birthday, ds3 is almost a full year younger than half his class. There are a few kids with late summer bdays who do need extra time to mature but they are few and far between. Love this trend!</p>

<p>I am on the verge of being a helicopter parent - really I’m just a control freak. Luckily, I can reign in my neuroses before I do any damage. I’m one of eight kids and my parents did what they had to do to get by. We were pretty much on our own so I didn’t have anyone to give me guidance about college, major, class selection, etc. It didn’t help that I was the first one in my family to go to college. I had to learn everything the hard way. Make a mistake - don’t do that again. </p>

<p>Ds1 is leaving for college, 1000 miles away, and I think it’s the best thing in the world for him. If he was within driving distance, he would expect me to run to his rescue every time he had a problem. He is definitely a kid who needs a little hovering. This is why we (yes, I said we) looked for a smaller college with small class sizes and advisors that work closely with students to ensure they graduate on time. </p>

<p>I feel like its my job as a parent to help my children select the environment that will give them the best opportunity for success. I will continue to offer my advice until I’m told to butt out. Although, I don’t think I could ever keep my mouth shut if I saw them heading for a cliff. If only to offer a warning and let them make an informed decision. Maybe I’m not on the borderline, after all.</p>

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<p>My parents were both products of the Great Depression. The only time they saw me at college was to attend my graduation. They never sent money. The money I used I earned or had as scholarships and loans paid for school. I got my self to school by riding with others; and I paid for that out of my own money. (That included move in day.) I knew the Greyhound bus schedule. Graduated early as I figured out the credits and the money situation quickly as it was all on me. Got married one week after graduation. I knew what I wanted and what I needed to do.</p>

<p>Now, as a mom of three (one is a college graduate and the other two are currently in college). I don’t call them. They call me. I started knowing the oldest’s first semester’s schedule and now only know how many credits the younger two have. Move in day? I’ve attended a few, but for the most part I don’t. It falls on the first day of school where I teach. Won’t work. I stop by when it’s convenient for them. I want my kids to have great adventures and see the world. I find it interesting when people say they cry when they leave their children at school. Don’t you want them to study hard, burn dinner, travel, fall in love, and be an adult?</p>

<p>They will still come home. But as adults!</p>

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<p>Happens all the time, particularly with medical studies and it’s ridiculous how many times I hear a reporter say “a recent study proves…” Nonsense. Any one study RARELY EVER “proves” anything. :mad:</p>

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<p>*The helicopter parent I know is a woman who drove down to the high school to take her daughter her blue mechanical pencil that she had left at home, even though she had plenty of other mechanical pencils with her. These same parents flew to Italy with their 21-year-old daughter to take her to her study abroad program, and then flew back to italy to pick her up. *</p>

<p>Great example of first world problems.
I remember when our daughter flew to India when she was 18. We didn’t see her again for almost six months.( & we spoke to her only every few weeks or so- no email) We did drive her to & pick her up from the airport though.
( of course, I wouldn’t mind an excuse to visit Italy)
:)</p>

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<p>“of course, I wouldn’t mind an excuse to visit Italy”</p>

<p>What’s wrong with visiting India?</p>

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<p>This was back two pages, but I think this is a big part of helicopter parents. They simply have made their children’s life their life and don’t know how to dial back the parenting and separate. There is no black and white. I still talk to my 85 year mom about things now and then and I assume there will be points in time that my kids talk to me about “things.” Anyone who hasn’t started letting their later teens self manage some aspects of their life are doing their kids a disservice. Some will thrive, some will flounder, but we all know that right?</p>

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<p>Nothing is wrong with visiting India, but D made it clear she didnt want us to.
I also don’t like air travel so I doubt that I will be flying over the Atlantic anytime soon.</p>

<p>I think in retrospect she wouldnt have minded if we had visited, but we couldnt spare the time or money anyway.</p>

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<p>In my opinion, you need a balance. </p>

<p>Being a helicopter parent can be a problem, since it implies that the student can’t achieve anything by him/herself. It puts a severe damper on one’s social life and ability to be autonomous. Sometimes I think helicopter parents are trying to live vicariously through their children, which is a pretty self-serving concept. At some point you have to let your kids make their own decisions or you’ll be doing them a great disservice.</p>

<p>On the other hand, being completely disconnected hurts, too. Many students want some form of guidance to make sure they don’t make any obvious mistakes, or to have a safety net in the event that things go wrong. Not being involved might also be misconstrued as apathy, or a lack of love – which can also lead to depression.</p>

<p>Personally, I think the latter category is far worse when it comes to depression. I don’t know of too many kids who are depressed because of their helicopter parents. I do know a few who have strained relationships because their parents are very overbearing, but I think you’ll see a lot more depression coming from those who had negligent parents.</p>

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<p>I have a 22 year old son, about to graduate. My sister is always amazed at how completely un-helicoptery I am with him. But this son has been totally responsible, never messed up and is a planner and list maker. How do you interfere in an adult’s life when he has been so capable all along? What kind of weird message is that? Plus, he wouldn’t stand for it and it would ultimately damage our relationship.</p>

<p>S2…well now that’s a different story. He definitely needs an umbrella parent. </p>

<p>So part of the equation isn’t the helicopter vs hands off parent. Part of the equation is the capable kid or the kid that needs a bit of shepherding.</p>

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<p>^I actually have the opposite problem; a kid who for her first 20 or so years was so capable of handling everything for herself; then she graduates and is doubting every decision she has to make (and is reaching out constantly for help)…wonder if they have done a study about helicopter kids (and depressed parents)…jk</p>

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<p>Jamiecakes - SO TRUE.</p>

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<p>There are sooo many helicopter parents on CC, especially in the theater thread, I need to remind parents, from a therapists perspective, the accomplishments of your children are theirs, not yours, and I see an awful lots of depression, especially from girls (and anxiety and self harming) with all of these parents needs for grades, grades, grades and perfection. There doesn’t seem to be alot of normalcy here, I don’t think its representative of the population tho, hopefully.</p>

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<p>ALL of the parents in this affluent community where I live went to visit their kids during their study abroad experience, except us. They also went along on the band trip to China in high school. I would have loved to go to Spain or China, but first, I was working to pay for her darn trips, and second, I wanted dear D to have her own experiences. Having been to China, I knew she wouldn’t be in any danger on an escorted tour, so I didn’t need to chaperone her or bring Cliff bars for her to eat instead of the local food. Next month she is graduating and taking a post-graduation trip with some girlfriends to South America. These same parents ask me, first, is it some kind of study abroad trip? (no, just an adventure), second, am I going with her?(no, it’s HER adventure). Why would she want Mom and Dad along? We go to bed at 9pm.</p>

<p>I really believe in adventures. Life is short. Let go. if I want a trip to South America, I’ll go with my sisters (I am- the Galapagos in August!- hubby doesn’t travel well).</p>

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<p>sillymoms - I have a kid that is a perfectionist. I know that at least when she was younger she felt like my expectation was perfection, and she didn’t want to disappoint me. She’s a middle child.</p>

<p>She’s a great person. Now that she’s older, and we’ve discovered this NEED in her to be “perfect”, we’ve done our best to squash it. I’m certain that she knows now, although we want her to try her best, that a B or even a C is not the end of the world. A performance that didn’t go well is disappointing, but the sun will rise tomorrow. And MOM is NEVER disappointed - just here for support.</p>

<p>Love that kid.</p>

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<p>tptshorty I LOVE this</p>

<p>“Why would she want Mom and Dad along? We go to bed at 9pm.”</p>

<p>So true!</p>

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<p>Correlation/causation problems.</p>

<p>Study is probably bad.</p>

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<p>cromette- thats good, sometimes smart kids are hardest on themselves- we had one teacher who did something I loved, she had a whole class full of high anxiety, over achieving “GT” (don’t get me started) kids who did nothing but carve down points with each other all day…she gave them arbitrary "F’s to see what it felt like, they freaked out and moveover the parents freaked out. It was good for them. I just hate grades and quantifying excellence , which in reality is impossible to quantify. What matters, is as you said, you know and she knows she is a great kid.</p>

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<p>Interesting tptshorty, now that I think about, the parents I know whose kids have gone to study abroad went abroad to visit them too. I agree with you, the experience then includes, “Oh, and my parents came to visit me…” instead of their own.</p>

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<p>I agree but I also think it varies from student to student and parent to parent. </p>

<p>Pre-high school my parents would always helicopter everything I do and force me to take a ton of hard prep courses and play the piano outside of school. Because I couldn’t handle doing all that, my grades dropped and I was actually a C student in middle school. In fact, I almost dropped out because of how I poorly I performed and was sent to my school’s office for both my emotional and school issues. My parents would always monitor and know what I did and everywhere I went.</p>

<p>In High school, I screamed at my parents and bugged them to the point that they let me make decisions on my own. I was then allowed to choose all my courses and activities, and with more freedom, I became an A student. Even though I admit that in high school there were maybe a few times that I got a C, I was able to understand how I got each C. Getting a C and understanding why and learning from the experiencing is much more satisfying than failing because a parent’s mistake.
As a student, I was significantly happier and more successful in high school than I ever was in middle school.</p>