<p>"Turbo-charged parents, still running their university-aged children's schedules, laundry and vacations, could be doing more harm than good, [says] a study showing these students were more likely to be depressed and dissatisfied with life." ...</p>
<p>Hyper-parents</a> can make college aged children depressed-study | Reuters</p>
<p>I have to think about this. </p>
<p>I know a few kids right now who flunked out. Now they are depressed!!</p>
<p>If your running your A student’s life in college, that’s ridiculous.</p>
<p>Some kids need more looking over though to make it through school. At least the first year.</p>
<p>All the kids I know that flunked out had very hands off parents who assumed they were done and the school would finish the job. Great parents who were naive to how colleges and students relate today.</p>
<p>They are just NOW figuring this out ?
What took them so long?</p>
<p>Well… do we really have parents out here who are “running their kid’s laundry” in college? I have not seen that discussed in posts.</p>
<p>I do expect to discuss with my D2 what classes she is registering for (but for D1 that was pretty much informational), and want to make sure she is on track to graduate on time. As it will be mostly my money for extra semesters… this is a UK study, where college is a lot cheaper, though.</p>
<p>Vacations… well, I do usually book and pay for the plane tickets home, so we at least have to talk about it. And I usually want to talk about it before they do because the ticket prices go up if we wait! But I usually offered the same amount of plane money for a ticket elsewhere if they need/wanted to go somewhere else (but living expenses on spring break, etc. were on their own – so D1 usually chose to go to Florida and stay with her grandparents. 
No wild parties at their retirement condo!). Again… a UK study… do kids fly to and from school, or just hop a train? So maybe wouldn’t need much advance discussion if we were there.</p>
<p>When you micromanage your college kid’s life, you are sending the message that you lack faith in her, that you don’t really think she can succeed without you. That’s a very disempowering message.</p>
<p>If your kid really can’t succeed without you, then perhaps she is not ready for college yet.</p>
<p>PS Intparent my comment is not directed at you. The “you” is general.</p>
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<p>I think some of the more extreme helicopter parents are happy for their kids to believe they are incapable of running their own lives. Because that’s good for the parent-he/she can continue to feel needed, relevant, important. It’s done solely because it meets the needs of the parent, not the child. Though they will argue to the death the contrary, and are completely unapologetic about it. These are probably the same parents who freak out when their child meets a potential mate who has it all together, and threatens their position as the most important person in their child’s life. These are the people we read about in the parent’s cafe who make their sons/daughters-in-laws’ lives hell for the simple reason that they became the child’s new priority. As it should be…but for some reason is NOT okay.</p>
<p>“I think some of the more extreme helicopter parents are happy for their kids to believe they are incapable of running their own lives. Because that’s good for the parent-he/she can continue to feel needed, relevant, important. It’s done solely because it meets the needs of the parent, not the child.”</p>
<p>My parents were like that. They boosted their own self-esteem by keeping their kids helpless and clueless. I wasn’t taught how to be independent because my mother needed me to stay needy so that she could feel superior and relevant. 50+ years later, I still lack a lot of the basic skills and confidence that many people take for granted. It never got easier. Naturally I’ve gone to the other extreme with my child, but he’ll never suffer from the terrible self-esteem issues that come from not being able to rely on your own inner strength and resources. Helicopter parenting is long-term child abuse in my opinion.</p>
<p>^^^^So sorry. 
I don’t often quote Dr. Phil, but on this subject he is right on. When you helicopter excessively, you truly rob your child of his sense of competency, pride of achievement, and independence that he truly needs. But that is the goal of an extreme helicopter parent. They absolutely do NOT WANT their child to be independent. Because that, in their eyes, robs them of their “raison d’etre.” If their child no longer “needs them,” they have no reason for being. Sad, really.</p>
<p>But it sounds as though you have at least mentally broken from that. Not all children of ultra helicopters do. They stay woefully ignorant of their situation and never realize that there really is a viable alternative.</p>
<p>This is very tough.</p>
<p>From my perspective, my S probably was not emotionally ready. He has a learning disability that he’s never learned to deal with. He hides his disability, then he struggles and refuses to accept the accommodations he’s entitled to. He never really accepted emotionally that he is different in that way. </p>
<p>Anyway, he’s in college now. Still struggles in silence and I helicopter over him but I don’t interfere accept to remind, instruct and insist that he advocate for himself vs suffering needlessly. </p>
<p>What I truly don’t know is whether or not a gap year or two would’ve benefitted him. He’s so scarred from his H.S. years that I think he would’ve never gotten any momentum to return. If his self-esteem was better and he accepted himself as he is, his life would be much improved.</p>
<p>I can’t blame parents for trying to push their kids to independence and for propping up their kids but at some time we have to cut bait.</p>
<p>Lemme see. Between me and my wife we have 28 years of college. This experience did not come for free, and I’d rather have my kids use some of this experience rather than learn the hard way (on my dime). </p>
<p>Kids are great at finding information but not so great at processing it. Case in point, while elective hunting, DD1 considered a Sociology class that is supposedly an easy A, whatever that may be. Prof review ratings were all over the place. </p>
<p>Careful reading of the class syllabus (available on the web) indicated that sure, the class is easy, except that it’s 60% term papers graded by the TA de jour, aka hit or miss, and 40% final. A 40% final in any class is a recipe for disaster in my experience so… </p>
<p>In this case my advise was ‘would you take a class where 60% of your grade is determined by some TA, and 40% on a winner take all final?’ DD1 thought about it for a while and decided to pass, taking a class that requires tremendous amount of work but is a lot of fun and useful for her major (advanced digital photography). </p>
<p>I am a hyper parent, but I also use this as an opportunity to teach my kids about the thought process needed to arrive at such decisions.</p>
<p>This was a small study done in the UK. </p>
<p>I would imagine there are plenty of helicopter parents on the CC forum. I don’t believe that helicopter parents are helping their child become independent by their constant hovering. This is an important time for them to gain confidence. Be an involved parent, but don’t jump in every time you think they are making a mistake. They will learn from them.</p>
<p>My DH and I took a very hands off approach during our D’s college search and application process. I am truly amazed at how many parents seem to take over the entire process. Maybe we are just fortunate to have a very self-motivated D. Now that she’s a sophomore in college, she is making very responsible decisions. We are so proud of her!</p>
<p>Not to sound obnoxious about it, but I’ve never considered offering my advice about my son’s classes - isn’t that up to them to figure out what works and what doesn’t? Why would I get involved in something like that when it doesn’t even affect me? That’s the part I don’t get…</p>
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<p>If the student plans poorly, s/he may end up delaying graduation due to not getting a prerequisite sequence started on time or something like that. It may affect the parent if the parent is contributing money for school but the money talk did not include discussion of what would happen if the student graduated a semester or more late.</p>
<p>I agree with you mom483. D puts quite a bit of thought into what classes she wants to take. She shares her final decisions with us. It would never occur to me to get involved in this process. She is learning valuable skills.</p>
<p>That money talk should have taken place. Kids need to know what happens if they don’t graduate on time. Personally, I ended up going an extra semester which I had to pay for myself. Seemed fair to me.</p>
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<p>Definitely, but it seems that many posters on these forums (both parents and students) have not had the money talk (ideally before the college application list is made). It would also not be surprising if the “what if the student needs an extra semester to graduate?” question were not brought up during the money talk because, after all, neither the parent nor student would think that needing an extra semester is likely for the college bound student doing so well in high school.</p>
<p>My daughter has developed a strong anti-aircraft defense, so any attempt at helicoptoring on my part gets shot down pretty quick. If I’m to have any hopes of influencing her, I have to plan a very strategic sneak ground attack and make her think the idea was hers in the first place.</p>
<p>"It would also not be surprising if the “what if the student needs an extra semester to graduate?” "</p>
<p>In a lot of cases poor planning on the student’s part because they have not paid attention to the vagaries of the school or department can result in this problem. Students are in the final year and find out they have not taken a required class that is offered only alternate years in a specific semester/quarter for their major. There is a fine line between meddling and keeping track of your major investment.</p>
<p>Are we supposed to know what classes our kids signed up for?</p>
<p>At 20k a quarter, I do. YMMV.</p>