Success convincing reluctant kid?

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

First, let me preface this by saying that of course there is no way I would ever insist on a kid going to BS, since that is a sure recipe for failure and misery.

Here’s the situation. I went to BS by happenstance. My parents were posted overseas, and it was BS or be homeschooled for HS. I was thrilled; it sounded like a big adventure to me, and I threw myself into the search with great enthusiasm. I wound up at PEA, and it was three of the best years of my life. I worked my butt off, was a solid B student, and had a blast.

So, when we had kids, BS was always a possibility in my head. My husband had a miserable time in school; got bored early and tuned out entirely. So, having been to alumni events with me and seen what’s possible, he is open to the idea. However, we’ve always known that BS is not for every kid. I had friends who were miserable at PEA, and probably shouldn’t have been there. So we waited to see who our kids turned out to be.

We now have a rising 8th grader, who we are both convinced would absolutely thrive at the right BS. He’s very smart, independent, and self-sufficient. He is thriving in the rigorous public school magnet program he’s in for middle school. And we will, of course, apply to the public school high school magnet programs. But a huge problem I have with that is the 3 hours a day spent commuting. That’s what he does now - fortunately by school bus - and he doesn’t complain about it. However, it really limits him to one extra-curricular. Going to BS would allow him to get involved in so much more.

To be honest, my original thought was PEA-or-bust… But then I discovered CC, spent WAY too much time reading a gazillion posts, and realized that it only makes sense to look at a variety of schools and figure out the best fit for him.

So… I have convinced him to at least apply to a bunch of schools. My argument to him is that the whole goal is to have options come next spring. He’d need full financial aid for any BS, so he needs to cast the net wide. The public school magnets are difficult to get into as well, so that’s not a sure thing either. From talking to other parents from the MS magnet, I’m concerned that he’d be pretty bored at our local HS. But he’d having a hard time envisioning going to BS. None of his friends are considering BS. It’s not unheard of around here, but it’s not common either. His friends will all be scattering to different high schools anyway, so that’s not the issue.

My question is, has anyone started off with a recalcitrant kid who wound up getting excited by the idea of BS? I’m hoping that visiting a bunch of schools this fall will do it, but I just don’t know. And, of course, I also worry that we’re setting him up for disappointment, since the odds of both getting in and getting full financial aid are not great.

Sigh. In many ways, this would be so much easier if I weren’t aware of the incredible opportunities available out there!

2

I think that one thing you can do is emphasize to your kid that he can choose what kind of high school experience he wants. If you are looking in new England and considering PEA, look at Putney, Groton, and NMH, for example. Four really different places! Then his current high school is one of the choices.

3

Our kid was very nervous about the idea when we started looking. We reminded her that she didn’t have to decide between BS, private high school, or public high school until we knew where she had been admitted and how much it would cost to have her attend each school. That idea – that the decision didn’t have to be made until April – took a lot of the pressure off and helped her enjoy the process…

4

I think that you should bring him to visit some of the BSs, so he can see for himself. He still has a year, so give him time to digest the idea.

In what region are you guys living?

5

@MWolf We’re near DC. We’re planning a trip up to NE in the fall, and want to visit Hotchkiss, Berkshire, St. Paul’s, Andover, and PEA then. We’ll also look at SAS and Mercersberg - those are day trips for us. He and I visited SAS over spring break and were pretty impressed. The complete opposite of PEA in many ways, but very intriguing.

He has been to PEA twice. A few years ago all four of us went up for my reunion, and he and I spent a day going to classes. It was a big of a test on my part; I wanted to see how he reacted to the classes, which he mostly picked. He loved it, especially the fact that the teachers didn’t do a lot of talking and everything was discussion based. He asked if all high school classes are like that…I wish!

In a way, I wonder if being in such a terrific middle school magnet has skewed his perspective; he really doesn’t realize how bored he’d be in a regular high school. I think the magnet high schools around here are very good if he can get in…but they don’t hold a candle to the schools we’re looking at, imo, especially when adding in the commuting time.

@CaliMex - that is very much the attitude we’re adopting with him. I’m glad to hear that it can work! And I do mean it; the goal is for him to have options to choose from. It’s just hard not to get frustrated that he doesn’t see how phenomenal the opportunities we’re exploring could be for him.

6

My oldest was reluctant but as soon as he set foot on a campus and saw the unbelievable facilities and some happy faces on the students he was sold on the idea. He was in a social rut in middle school so I think the chance to reinvent himself appealed a bit too.

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@JustWinginIt I am a student at Berkshire and would be more than happy to answer any questions you have about the school before and/or after you visit. Feel free to pm me!

8

We don’t have BS experience but pulled our D from public to private school for HS. She was very reluctant and worried, especially about leaving friends but after her full shadow experience, she was 100% sold. She has an amazing Hs experience and loved every minute.

Good luck!

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@momofsenior1 - that’s great to hear! I’m so glad your daughter has had a good experience. Going to the magnet MS meant starting at a whole new school knowing nobody for our son, and it worked out great. So that definitely helps when making the argument to him. I think he’s just weirded out a bit by the whole living away from home thing. Which I get. But I also know him well enough to know he’d wind up loving it!

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@cababe97 - thank you! It looks like a great school. I’m excited to see it!

11

My kid wasn’t that interested in 8th grade in going to a BS/Private school. One day on the first campus and my kid realized all of the opportunities and things that could never be found at local public school ( which was excellent and very academic). Kid never looked back and made decisions based on their own interests. I am so glad I pushed a little. The chosen school has been great in so many ways. In the end, our kid made the final decision in terms of which school to attend. When I think of what could have been had we taken the other road, I am so pleased things turned out as they did.

12

Also: I don’t know what your public and private HS options are like, but we sacrificed depth/breadth of extracurriculars and even academics in the city where we live because we wanted a much smaller school with a happier, more supportive, and healthier community and peer culture.

13

If you are in the DC area, are there other private school options that would be a less drastic step than BS? We are in an area with a lot of day schools as well as BS, and public school wasn’t really an option. At first he wasn’t sure about BS, but none of the day schools was a realistic option (largely due to logistics), and visiting the BSs really opened his eyes. Now, as a rising junior, none of us can imagine him anywhere else. Good luck to your son!

14

If you’re going to need full financial aid, definitely include Mercersburg & Peddie School (maybe even Episcopal which is close to you) in your initial search. These are amazing schools with impressive matriculations that are generous with aid for a student they really want as part of their community.

15

Our most important angle was, You don’t have to go.

We also did the slow roll, campus visits before the formal interviews and tours, and other items mentioned above. But basically it was, You probably won’t get in, if you do we may not be able to afford it, and if that all works out you do not need to attend, BUT if it all works out, we recommend you try it for a year so you don’t regret it later. But it is your choice. If you return to public HS one year later, it will be like you never left.

In the end a “top” school worked out and he was hooked day one. But even in the summer AFTER acceptance it was still, If this is keeping you up at night, you do not need to go. It made it 100% his choice in the end.

Also the greatest family decision ever in the end, but that is another story.

16

@CTMom21 - the problem with local private schools is the same as the problem with the local magnet schools; horrendous commutes. He’s currently spending almost three hours a day commuting to his magnet middle school. He doesn’t complain, and it’s definitely worth it, but I really don’t want him to have to keep doing that for high school, if for no other reason that it really limits his extracurriculars. Also, a lot of the private schools around here are single-sex, which we would never consider (nor would he be interested).

I’m so glad it worked out for your son! I keep reading all the ‘my kid came up with the idea and did all the research’ threads; it’s nice to know that’s not every kid!

17

@PrepDad2018 - love love love your post! Great approach, and pretty much what we’re trying. We keep stressing to him that the goal of all this is for him to have options come next spring. Good point to keep reminding him after (if) he gets in too. It helps that the rest of the family involved in his life - my husband (his dad), my parents, and my sister - all get boarding school and what an amazing opportunity it could be for him. And then I do my best to not think about how much we;d miss having him around!

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@springfield18 - Thanks! Mercersberg is definitely on our short list. Fortunately we can manage that visit with a (long) day trip!

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@CaliMex - We’re still doing our research on the public school options. The county website is pretty useless, so we’ll be gong to all the info nights in the fall. But the school that has the magnet program that would probably suit him best has over 3,000 students, and is projected to grow to 3,800 in the next several years! So it kind of cracks me up when people talk about Exeter as huge… There really are no local private schools that interest us, plus they’d all have even worse commutes than the magnet public schools. But we are deliberately looking at boarding schools with very different sizes/cultures in order to see what appeals to our son the most. (And, of course, because we need to cast our net wide due to financial aid.)

20

@JustWinginIt If he does end up at the magnet school, he might do very well. This happened to me years ago, and despite a nightmarish commute both ways, I did fine and went off to a great college. Colleges can factor in that he had such a long commute ( he can write about it) and studying on the bus or subway can be done. It’s not ideal but it can work. Also, if this is the outcome, there are lots of ways to do interesting things in the Summer so that EC’s are strong. And many EC’s take place on the weekends. The one downside is friendships as he might be too far from his chosen friend group. Though with 3K kids that might not be an issue. ( We don’t have any schools that size in our area).
I hope that he finds a BS that suits him and gives your family lots of financial aid. We are very glad our kid chose BS over the local public.