Many, many parent-years have taught me that the first “reason why” out of my kids’ mouths is rarely the actual reason.
The real reason is harder to admit, or harder to articulate. Sometimes they don’t even understand the real reason yet. Sometimes the real reason is something they don’t actually want to share so they say something easier.
@pumpkin65 , your first paragraph reads like the experience we all hope our kids will have. She seems to be crushing it! Congrats to you and her for that.
Maybe this crisis, her friend leaving, is just like a toothache which seems like the end of the world but is forgotten as soon as it ends. Give it time. During crises every minor annoyance takes on the severity of the crisis.
There could be a personal or interpersonal problem that she can’t overcome in such a small community.
Did you ever leave (or want to leave) a job because you couldn’t get along with a boss or coworker, because there was uncomfortable sexual tension between you and someone inappropriate (a boss or subordinate or someone married), or because you had done a poor job on an important project and couldn’t overcome the stigma of that failure?
The same sorts of things can happen in a college environment. If it’s a big college, the student can often find other circles to move in and get past the situation. But if it’s a small college, that might not work.
I’ve been thinking about this thread, because when my older D decided to transfer, her description of the other students WAS pretty much “white kids who party”. Note: she is white. She also chose this college because it was a small college in a small but accessible town, because that’s the kind of place she spent her younger years. Meanwhile, she’d spent her teens in a diverse school in a diverse city-diverse in race, income, gender identification-all of that. And she found that the more time she spent at her small, non-diverse college, the more oppressive it seemed.
Maybe OP, your D, after a summer home around more of “her people” she’s realized that this college is not where she’ll find any more of them. I agree with @colorado_mom , there is probably more to this story. LISTEN to her. My D did end up leaving her college and moving “back home”. She’s out on her own now, where she lives and works in the kind of diverse environment where she thrives. For your D, it may be something like that-a simple lack of “her people”. Not everyone can just bloom where they are planted. Finances are likely to color any decisions, but listen to what she’s really saying and ask questions that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer. Good luck.
Kids can certainly outgrow schools and that can be a good thing - it might mean she is ready to take more on or wants a bigger adventure. It may also mean she is lonely, particularly with the friend leaving. The funny thing is in her case is she seems so amazingly involved - could there be some odd conflict/discomfort that she isn’t sharing with you, some event that shook her up? Drama/music can be a competitive with that behind your back stuff going on, maybe something there? It seems there is more talking to do and nothing that can be done this second. I would tell her to keep up with that soul searching and if she still feels this way at winter break, you can work with her to devise a plan. Sometimes, they just want to know the option is available, but don’t actually choose it when the time comes. Some students don’t realize they may transfer somewhere else and not know anyone or have any friends when they get there, and the challenge that brings. But some like the idea of a fresh start and see it as nervously exciting in a good way. If she is considering transferring, most transfer deadlines are Jan/Feb, some even later than that (UCs are Nov 30th). It’s a whole process that you don’t know till you need to!
My D had some issues that started at end of freshman year when all her close friends that she met in her dorm started hanging out with people in their own major - which carried into sophomore year (and she is girl in engineering so limited socially there). It’s tough breaking into a new group, people have “their people” already, especially at the small-mid schools. She got involved in some new things this school year to help that and meet different people. We also went through the “is this the right major for me?” emotional period. Sophomore slump can manifest itself in many ways. Maybe this will smooth out for your D with time, but sounds like you two need a good talk over lunch if you can get there or over her next break. That’s when it all pours out of my girls anyway. Between now and then, just be there with an open mind, @sseamom gave great suggestions on listening and asking questions.
I wish you well and peace, when our kids aren’t happy, our days are restless.
After reading everyone’s comments, I’ve taken notes for a good conversation to have with her during fall break. I truly appreciate all of the personal stories and different perspectives to consider. I will listen closely; you are right in that what they say at first isn’t always the real problem.
We knew going into the small LAC experience that this was a possibility. It was talked about extensively, and she felt that she could deal with the small size…and she has done all the right things by joining many groups and expanding her circles.
I am definitely telling her to start planning the study abroad, and to jump into the honor society, get active, and meet like-minded kids - and yes, there are 50% who are not drinking like crazy. I am going to be very supportive of exploring the transfer option, but she needs to do the legwork and have a clearer idea of her goals. I will also have her speak to her advisor or dean about her concerns.
I am so appreciative of all of the comments. Thank you all.
Is it possible that even though she got very good grades, 46 credits required too much work to do enough socializing? I know I would have gone insane if I had that big of a workload freshman year.
I will talk to her about that, but of the 46 credits, around 18 were music, a few of which are ensembles and she made friends. She was also in a play, and from what I can tell, she adjusted well socially. Her room mate and she are very well matched, as well as her suite mates. I think she worked hard on the academics, but the other credits come easily to her and she says they don’t feel like work. I told her I thought she should take a few less, but she said she had no problem handling it.
Well that’s good. It doesn’t sound like it’s that.
D went through the same thing. I told her to stick out the year and research where she might wish to transfer to. I reminded her that she was there for school and to look hard to make sure she wouldn’t be making a mistake leaving. Time went on and the topic never came up again. There is still some drama with the girls at times which drives me crazy but overall all is good.
Just a side note. Don’t assume that the state flagship is impersonal. Before my daughter started at our flagship, I had concerns that she would just another number among thousands. What has surprised us is how well she has gotten to know some of her professors and how accessable they are. Many clesses ended up being small and personable. Granted being in honors has help. My point is check out your flagship and see how it really is. you might be surprise or you might find that is exactly what you expect.
“around 18 credits were music” - Ah, another thought. Maybe music is now at an advanced level and just not as enjoyable as it ws in hs. That might mean she’s missing that outlet/counterbalance to academic workload. (Not saying it’s the case here… just brainstorming. My extraordinarily gifted musician opted to not do any college music credits, other than orchestra and freshman theory./composing class). He wanted music to “still be fun”).
Music can also be extremely time intensive.