Sudden talk of Transferring - Sophomore at small LAC - advice?

Parents Forum
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Hello all, so my D, who seemed so happy last year at her small, somewhat remote, LAC, called me in tears today wondering if her LAC was really the right place for her. Let me preface this by saying last year she got > 3.9, took 46 credits, about 1/3 of which were music. She also played a lead role in their spring drama, has loads of friends, and was just recently accepted as an ‘apprentice’ in their top honor society, which will give her access to competitive grants for research and scholarship anywhere in the world. She is also gay and very socially liberal. Her talent in music is broad, she plays many instruments well, but none at a “competitive” level, she’s gifted in music theory, she writes music and sings. She says she is challenged by the work there…it’s not too easy. The faculty seem to really like her, they sent her to a free conference over the summer with her advisor. She got a great scholarship to go there. She will graduate debt free.

One of her friends (not a really close one) just decided to leave…like tomorrow. I don’t know the full circumstances, but she alluded to the person feeling ostracized, not fitting in. My daughter says it’s “50% white kids who are jerks and drink a lot”. My response was…a lot of colleges are like that…and the world is kind of like that. She said she was worried about her future, and the future of the college. I am not sure her fears about the college’s future are well founded - it’s probably in the same shape as many LACs, possibly better.

I asked her to really do some soul searching before leaving…to look into where she might apply, to think of what her actual goals are…she still doesn’t really know what she wants to do. That’s one of the reasons she is there - to explore, try to get some focus, and probably go on to a masters program in something. She is majoring in English/writing and music. Music is extremely important to her, but she knows she is not a virtuoso.

Did your child have any similar woes? How did you work through it? Where did they go? how did they fare in the end? was it a good decision, or really no better?

If she transfers to a higher ranked, larger private college…can they get scholarships as juniors? Otherwise, I am thinking she should just really go to my state’s flagship U…where being gay might be easier, but it’s big and impersonal.

Thoughts?

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Generally, merit scholarships are much less available for transfer students.

You can check net price calculators on financial aid, but some private schools are reputed to have different (worse) financial aid policies for transfer students than frosh, or may state on their net price calculators that they should only be used by frosh applicants. Also, many of the higher ranked private schools do not admit many transfer students.

3

It may be stress and the leaving of her friend or it might be that the school is small and she feels she’s outgrowing it. My daughter’s school is not that small (3500) but only 25% female. When the best friend she made as a freshman left suddenly, it was very hard on daughter. A high school friend left, the guy from across the hall…it all adds up.

I think you’ve given her good advice to check out the alternatives before she makes any decisions. Sounds like she’s not thinking about leaving until after this year, so that’s good.

4

Reading your post, the words “sophomore slump” kept coming to mind. A benefit to small colleges is access. I highly suggest she talk to her dean and advisor about how she’s feeling. She may decide to transfer - and she can look into that process - but it’s too early in the year and the process since she had a good freshman year to jump to that as the only option right now.

Is she planning to spend a semester or year abroad her junior year? Often times that’s a nice change of scenery for students that gives them a break from campus but also makes them appreciate anew what their college offers.

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We all have days where our future looks less certain, a test was harder than expected, a jerk cuts you off in the coffee line and someone who’s kind of a friend makes a sudden departure. Calling Mom to vent in a mini-meltdown is a healthy response. I’d just hold tight and keep a sympathetic ear open for now.

6

Me, 35 years ago: At a very small LAC, not really my first choice, but they gave me THE big freshman scholarship for my art (in this case, writing.) First year, 4.0 average. Took extra classes in my major, just because. Chance to go to Oxford for my junior year. Considered a star in my area. One of top few in the running for a huge prize at graduation, possibly the favorite (~35K in 1980 dollars!). Had friends, nice roommate. One good friend from school went there (guy, no romantic interest), though he was failing out and didn’t go back after soph year.

I hated. every. minute. of. it. The wonderful program in my area of interest was way over-praised and actually tiny, there was a nasty frat/drinking/privilege culture that I hated. It was small and isolated and I had no room to grow.

I ended up transferring to a good, big , OOS U (full disclosure–my bf from home went there, but if I’d been happy at LAC, would have stayed for the huge prize and Oxford.) This was the right decision for me, though I took on debts I woudn’t have had otherwise.

I am not saying this is your D’s situation; but I am saying that sometimes the things that look great, are actually things the student is hanging onto because they feel they need to grit it out, but then start to feel like they can’t.

In any case, I think it’s really trivializing to blame it on “someone cut you off in the coffee line.”

7

Are you close enough to the college to go over to see her, maybe have lunch off-campus, and see if you can determine whether something particular happened (aside from the friend leaving suddenly)? It feels like you don’t have the whole story, but that’s my Mom Radar going off.

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My daughter says it’s “50% white kids who are jerks and drink a lot”. My response was…a lot of colleges are like that…and the world is kind of like that.

Wow - is that the way you really feel?

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Yes. I do think the world has a lot of people in it that someone might find difficult to deal with and you need to learn how to manage that. Not sure it’s 50%, but it’s a lot.

10

Is it possible that the friend who left was a romantic interest or relationship?

11

It wasn’t. It was a gay male friend; so it was an individual she identified with and cared for.

12

Is it possible that she feels too much pressure? All those honors and awards can actually backfire on a sensitive kid, especially if she’s a perfectionist or prone to anxiety. My daughter actually had to transfer out of her high school because she won a bunch of awards at the end of her freshman year and felt she had to keep it up sophomore year, with no freedom to try something new and fail.

13

I will check in with her about that. She is prone to anxiety.

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I was there last weekend, and can’t go back again soon. But her fall break is coming so we can talk more at length then.

15

I bet the walls of that small isolated LAC she is attending is starting to close in on her. I also bet that the friend that left hit her harder than she expected and now she feels somewhat isolated. I would suggest you have a long talk with her to nail down just what is the problem. My guess is that she feels socially trapped at the school. A transfer may be the solution but you want know for sure until you narrow down the problem. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

16

It is unlikely that she will get merit aid as a junior so choices will be limited if finances are an issue. One idea might be for her to research junior year abroad programs or programs where she can spend junior year at a program at another college. Typically the financial aid will can be used for those programs as long as she attends a program sponsored by her college. That way she could get away and go to school elsewhere for a year and have just one year left at the LAC to complete her degree debt free.

17

Remind her that the other 50% are not doing that, and it is at least several hundred students. LACs can start to feel too small. She also is at the point where she has to pick a major soon, which could be a factor.

Lots of LAC students take some time off campus junior year. Suggest that she look into study abroad or a DC program if they have one. I wouldn’t assume from one upset phone call that she really should transfer.

18

I 2nd the study abroad idea. It would expand her horizons and studying abroad can be a really cool and exciting experience. At first glance, wanting to transfer because you don’t like a couple of the students doesn’t really seem like a good reason to transfer. Part of growing up is sticking it out and learning that sometimes, the right solution is not necessarily giving up and throwing in the towel.

On the other hand, perhaps if your daughter could provide some concrete examples of WHY she feels that her LAC is on shaky ground, then that might help clarify things. She needs to provide solid evidence. Doing something just based on one’s emotions will not always result in the best end result for each person.

It’s also possible that maybe she expected sophomore year to be just like freshman year and maybe the responsibilities of freshman year are stressing her out a bit…on top of the social network challenges that she’s run into lately. All of these are totally normal and I would argue that moving to a different school will not necessarily fix those sorts of problems…moving might just end up kicking the can down the road and she will have to face the problem(s) eventually.

Sophomore year = 1 year closer to graduation. 1 year closer to having to find a job and be a ‘real adult’ and face the big wide world all on your own. As a freshman, things are fresh and new and you have an entire 4 years ahead of you to figure out who you are and what you want to be, etc. It’s a year of fun & exploration. But with sophomore year, you now have 1 less year to get through all of your graduation requirements. You’ve realized by sophomore year that some of your required classes might only be offered during 1 semester or might only be offered every other year, so you now realize that you really have to buckle down and develop and plan and figure it out if you want to graduate on time.

AND if on top of that, you’re tired of the only obvious social option being to binge drink every weekend and if a friend/acquaintance or 2 in your group of “let’s go out as a group and have fun tonight” gang has left the school, then suddenly it can seem really overwhelming to a 19 year old.

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Total guess - there may be more to the story. Just keep listening for hints…

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I like the idea of visiting and talking face to face to see what the real problem is. It can’t be just that there are white kids who drink. That seems like a convenient excuse.