Supposedly, a Good Essay...

Hola,

Could someone please read my main common app essay, which I wrote on “a topic of my own choice,” and give me some feedback? Gracias, much appreciated.

<hr>

Each night, I lay in my bed in Brasilia and looked out of a crystal clear window that awakened a love in me that continues to burgeon even today. Each night, the sun set, letting dusk take over, giving way to the inspiring spectacle of the night sky – the scintillating stars, the swirling galaxies, the small clouds of nebulae, and of course, the desolate moon.

As I gazed up at the cosmos, I heard my father asking me to come to bed so he could read to me my bed-time story. Every night, before I went to sleep, he would read me a chapter from the encyclopedia, The Young Scientist. I would be riveted every time he read to me because he would lay out before me the answers to all my little questions about the universe. For an eight-year old, learning why the star, north of my building, twinkled as it did was utter bliss.

I remember the night he read the last chapter. We had finished the entire encyclopedia. I felt as if I knew everything. Ironically, however, that very night, I found a question to which I did not have an answer. I saw a streak of blue light zoom across the night sky. Having finished an entire encyclopedia, I assumed I would know what that blue light was, but I didn’t. I sensed an urge of curiosity burning up inside me; I wanted to know what that light was. Immediately, I told my dad that I wanted him to read me another science encyclopedia.

However, what he brought the next night didn’t satisfy my desires. As he was keenly interested in medicine, he brought a medical encyclopedia. As he read to me, I could hardly pay attention because the night-time sky called to me. I couldn’t help staring out of the very window that awakened in me the love of astronomy and deciphering of the heavens. It was then I realized what I wanted – to explore the universe. I asked my father to stop reading. A surprised look came over his face. I explained that I wanted to learn more about what was out “there” – out in the universe. He smiled, knowing that a flame of curiosity and a passion had been born inside me.

My childhood intrigue and awe of the universe’s beauty continues to grow, for I view the world through the eyes of a poet – often writing about the smiling moon in a carnival of the star-spangled sky. I am mesmerized by the notion of infinity and our majestic universe. Now, however, my poet’s eye is complimented with my scientific and mathematical training and passion. Now, the ideas of galactic structures and string theory and those of calculus and analytic geometry dance in my mind. I am in love; my mistress is the universe, whom I long to know as intimately as possible as scientist, mathematician and poet.

<p>I like it. It shows emotion, and the admissions people who read it will definitely notice that. The only thing I'd change is the last sentence; the repetition of as makes it rather awkward.</p>

<p>I liked it. It was cute.</p>

<p>Haha, thank you very much! Yeah, I noticed the 'as' part. I'll be sure to change it. Thanks a lot. Any other opinions?</p>

<p>~Abe</p>

<p>I liked it a lot....
the only thing i MIGHT consider changing would be some of the words in the first paragraph....it seems like you used a thesaurus or are trying to impress someone..... even though you may not. --- I was just overwhelmed, and feel that clarity can be found in simpler words..... I do suggest that you keep a few like desolate (i dont like scintillating and burgeon)</p>

<p>those words aren't really all that uncommon. I read 'em all the time.</p>

<p>It wasn't overwhelming at all.</p>

<p>10/10 d :)-----<</p>

<p>Holy schnitzel.. I'm supposed to compete against that? GREAT JOB, Supernal! I ** love ** the poetic nature of it all.. it all flows so smooth! It's so passionate.. so..</p>

<p>Hahaha, jesus, okay, I wasn't hoping to get reviews such as these... Thank you everyone. I love to write, but at the same time, I love mathematics and science. I hope the admissioners don't picture me as the stereotypical "math/science-guy"... Oh well. But, thank you very much. And Irish, you asked me to change some words, but I don't know, I didn't use a thesaurus or a dictionary; it's just my normal vocabulary. But, if you feel that it'll flow better if I left out some of those words, tell me, and I'll change them. But, anyone else have any suggestions?</p>

<p>PS: I love poetry. I write all the time about the universe, love, or just a random beautiful happening I observe -- a lone leaf falling from a tree, a shooting star, or a ripple in a puddle of water. I love taking a little idea and expanding on it.</p>

<p>~Abe</p>

<p>
[quote]

inspiring spectacle of the night sky – the scintillating stars, the swirling galaxies, the small clouds of nebulae, and of course, the desolate moon.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I don't like the placement of "desolate" here. Your other adjectives (scintillating, swirling) have life and vigor, and desolate just seems out of place. Going from full of life to desolate (literally, barren and lifeless) was the only problem I had in your introduction. </p>

<p>Majestic maybe? You want a word that doesn't differ so much to the last paragraph's "smiling moon."</p>

<p>Just my opinion.</p>

<p>Ah! Not bad, Schwaby! That was really good advice. Gracias a mucho -- I'll fix that right away. Anything else? And other than that, does the essay have a good feel?</p>

<p>too many big words, stop creating diversions for the reader</p>

<p>I disagree. You could use simpler words in some areas, but that is up to you. That just may be the way to write and talk.</p>

<p>But there aren't "too many big words."</p>

<p>On the whole, I liked it.</p>

<p>Hm... wait, you disagree with whom? My or Sempitern? Well, in either case, which words would be considered "big"? I just write and talk this way -- I elaborate. Not sure why exactly. I guess it's just my style. But, do point out which words I should consider changing.</p>

<p>I'm disagreeing with sempitern.</p>

<p>For words you may consider "dumbing down"</p>

<p>burgeon
deciphering </p>

<p>That's basically all I can see. Words like scintillating, while big, do enhance your essay. </p>

<p>Also, you may want to consider changing the verb tense of your intro from past to present. I've found that essays written with present tense "read" much stronger. They tend to "show" rather than "tell."</p>

<p>beautiful. be careful of careless errors, though - "Each night, the sun set" - each night, the sun set*s* :)</p>

<p>You use the words "Each night" or a variation of them far too many times.</p>

<p>I'm impressed by the content and sensitivity reflected. I agree that there are a few too many overly poetic or "impressive" words. Complimented should be complemented in this context.</p>

<p>Scintillating and burgeon stuck out to me as well. I'm not an adcom but I feel that those two words in particular interrupt the flow of your (otherwise beautifully written) piece.</p>