Surprising conversation with Son Saturday night

Parents Forum
1

I just typed out a ridiculously long post, which was cathartic but no one other than me would want to read it. Here are the cliff notes.

My oldest is a rising college soph. He only looked at 2 schools, the state flagship he always wanted to attend which offered him a great scholarship, or a directional U in a neighboring state where his girlfriend went. Guess which he chose?

I thought when he had something major he wanted to talk about Saturday night he was engaged or about to be a father or both. Instead he said that basially everything I told him 18 months ago was correct and he made a horrible mistake. He wants to transfer to the in-state flagship. He is pretty sure the girlfriend of 3 years will break up with him over it, and even if she doesn’t he probably will break it off. He feels like he is surrounded by people who aren’t that smart and have no ambition at his current school. She fits in perfectly there. He does not. And he realizes that she has been discouraging his ambition for the last 3 years.

In my mind, all of this is correct. However, we have had a bit of a rocky relationship for the last couple of years, so after it became clear 18 months ago that he was not going to listen to me I have been very supportive of his school choice. Also because of that I am trying really hard to respect his choices now, whatever they are and I told him so.

I made a few calls yesterday, and he can still get into the school for this August, although not living where he wants to. I’m not sure if I should advise him to wait a semester or year to start classes, or if he should start there in August. I don’t want him to make rash choices, although I think it is probably the right one. And he is actually wanting my advice right now, which is a first.

Any advice for me? I can give more info, but am trying to keep this a readable length.

2

Since mine were little, I’ve had to suggest questions or their own thinking points. Asking for advice doesn’t always mean you get to “tell” them.

And if he later regrets all or part of this decision, you don’t want to be blamed.

3

I would provide your S with the information (that starting in August as a possibility, any information you have on the transfer process, where he would likely to live on campus) and let him decide how to proceed.

4

Tell him you can swing it for this year and see what he says.

5

If he’s going to transfer, do it now rather than waiting. He’ll have 2 full years at the state school and be able to take any courses in a sequence that he needs to. The living arrangements have a way of working out.

My nephew is at the state flagship and I can’t even tell you how many of his hs friends started somewhere else and transferred back. Maybe 20?

6

It likely isn’t rash decision.

7

I think you should tell him that must have been a very hard thing to admit to you. And that doing so shows new maturity and new ability to make hard decisions and to think for himself- i.e. he’s becoming a grownup! Tell him you are proud that he “fessed up” and acknowledges his mistake, and that its probably not too late to switch colleges.
Then ask him if he wants your help to transfer. If so, then you can say " lets both do some research and talk again about transferring when you both know more.
Don’t let him know you already made those phone calls.

8

I guess it depends on timing. If you need to know right away or not. And I wouldn’t shy away from the conversation and mess around with a Jedi mind trick to get him to come around eventually.

Don’t let him know it’s a done deal, perhaps. Only mention you looked into it following your great talk just to see what it entails and it’s possible to have it come together for fall, if that’s what he really wants.

9

Ok, I was a bit heavy-handed with the editing. Here’s some more info.

10

Transfer now. Waiting could cause other issues; lack of focus resulting in poor grades, taking classes that may not transfer resulting in wasted time and money, etc.

11

We talked it through quite a bit, actually until 4:00 am that night, then a bunch on Sunday and yesterday. Initially he was thinking stay put for a semester then try to transfer for the spring. After talking it through, he decided that was a bad idea, if he is going to switch it is better to just do it now. He said yesterday that he is 95% sure he is doing it. I think the 5% is just dreading the conversation with the girlfriend. If he just didn’t like her anymore it would be easy. But even though he thinks he needs to move on he cares for her and she is going to be blindsided. That part is eating him up right now.

I suggested the phone calls Monday morning were an option, and he couldn’t make them because of work but asked me to. So he is 100% aware of everything I did. He also submitted an application yesterday, because admissions told me it wasn’t too late but was getting close and we really should get it in early this week in case there were any transcript issues or other hiccups.

As far as the advice, I’m being extremely careful. I feel like he has gradually gone down a path he shouldn’t the last few years (not horrible choices, just watching a driven kid settle for being mediocre and losing his ambition) and now he seems to have done a reset to where he was 3 years ago. He said I was right about everything, a phrase he has NEVER used in his life. So I’m treading lightly because I don’t want to screw this up. I do a lot of pro/con analysis with all of my kids, and I’ve tried to stick to that here, even being the one to occassionally throw out positives about staying with the girlfriend and current college even though I don’t really think that’s the right choice. I’ve actually told him I’m treading pretty lightly due to our past relationship. I also told him that we are both adults and get to make choices the other doesn’t necessarily agree with, and that I will back him 100% whatever he does. I’ve been very consciously avoiding telling him what to do, just reasons why one path may be better than the other.

@Eeyore123 you are probably right. It caught me out of the blue, but he said he’s been thinking about it all summer.

@privatebanker I already told him we could swing it. There are a few factors that cancel each other out that make it probably less than $10,000 more expensive to switch, and that’s over next 3 years not for one year. The scholarship he lost cost him $10,000 a year and that won’t come back, which stinks. But I told him that’s water under the bridge at this point, it really shouldn’t factor into the decision of what to do today.

Timing is a bit of an issue. I guess he doesn’t need to decide if he is starting classes or sitting out until August 26, but he will need to decide if he is for sure leaving his current school before that. I’m guessing he needs to turn in a deposit to the new school a couple weeks before classes start, and I don’t think he can do that without withdrawing from the current school.

He does have a great job right now that he can continue during the school year if he takes a semester or year off. Good pay and relevant industry experience. He doesn’t really need to give them notice. They are expecting him to leave, but if he stays, or comes back a couple weeks later, it won’t be an issue.

12

Good luck to him. He is a rising second year student…so will have three full years at his new college. Re: the girlfriend…what will be will be. Maybe they will both grow and change…and could end up back together.

13

@thumper1 Thanks. That’s pretty much what I told him. 19 may feel like a lifetime to him, but it is certainly not too old to have a reset.

And Re: the girlfriend that’s almost a direct quote of what I told him. I also pointed out that while he feels like a jerk for breaking it off now, if that’s the direction this is headed it’s much better for both of them to move on now. The longer he puts it off the less fair he is being to her. I don’t think he realizes this yet, but I’m 90% sure he will break it off when he sees her this weekend. He won’t be able to be around her without feeling so guilty he has to tell her. Which will make for a crummy weekend for both of them, but probably in the long run it’s a good thing for both of them. Just hard to see that sometimes when you are in the middle of the situation.

14

Your son is very mature to come to this realization. I think you are a good dad by the way.

15

Agree with @websensation

And it won’t help but it doesn’t hurt to remind him you wouldn’t have met his mom if you hadn’t broken up with the previous girlfriend. Or anyone with their current partner.

16

Well the other possibility is they have a long term relationship. I did and it worked out. If she doesn’t like it then she can break up with him. There should be no reason he can’t change schools to better himself.
Secondly, do NOT wait to transfer him to his new school. Do it now. He already made his choice. He just wanted your verification. Cool, he wants his dad to say yes. So… Say yes! He already made the decision. Score one for dad ?.
At some point all you can do is support and love your children. As my kids get older 20/22 we seem to be getting closer. It’s all part of them maturing.
At his age it’s OK for him to think about “him”. This will bring you guys closer also.
Good job!

17

Me too @Knowsstuff! His mom and I have been together since high school. So I think part of it is he sees that.

I think in his mind the school change is a done deal. He just isn’t sure how to handle it with her yet. Personally I’m hoping she just gets mad and ends it with him. That’s cleaner in my opinion.

18

@dadof4kids. That’s where I was going. Lol…
Good Luck with your son.

19

Ok. Most people, I dare say a vast majority, have had a boy or girlfriend prior to a long term uninterrupted marriage. You guys are good!

20

It worked for me, but I don’t really recommend it.

I told him that his mom was the girl I wanted to meet when I was a senior in college, not in HS. I would have liked to date other people. And I was ok with her dating other people too, frankly. What I was not ok with was her deciding to marry one of them. So we stayed together because I wasn’t willing to risk taking a break and having her find someone else. I was pretty sure early on that I had found my “forever”, I just did it earlier than I meant to.

I then said if you aren’t positive this is your “forever” after dating for 3 years, it might be a good idea to take a break anyway. Doing so might let you know pretty quick either way. If it is meant to be, you will find a way to make it work. If not, better to reach this point when you are 19, not when you are 30 and have 2 kids. We’ve all seen it happen both ways, this is much easier on everyone!