Congratulations! Isn’t it nice to know “kids” do listen to their parents after all?
Whatever it takes to start at the state flagship school - do it ASAP. Once you know you want to make a change, any time waiting for that is burning daylight. Looks like you are all on that path. Very exciting! Good luck!
You sound like a caring dad and your son is maturing and open.
So, the state flagship will accept him even though he hasn’t officially applied or sent a transcript? When is tuition due at the first school? That deadline should be the motivator. I would encourage your DS to do some/all of this legwork: Call the new school, work out details, transfer app, and tell the girlfriend.
Oh my!! I am sorry he is going through remorse but glad he is ‘seeing the light’ on the girlfriend. I would continue to do what you are doing as it sounds like he got his head back on straight now.
@twocollegekids he is ok on deadlines. With his college GPA and a couple other requirements he had met he is an auto admit.
Monday he submitted his application. Tuesday they reviewed it, but something was missing so the sent him an email letting him know what they needed. They only review transfers on Tuesdays, but based on the email and a follow up call they should be ready to give him a rubber stamp admission Tuesday. Then it takes about a week to process and he can pay his deposit and sign up for housing. I’ve talked to two different people in admissions and both assured me that while timing was tight it would all work out and he can start talking classes this fall.
They took an unofficial transcript for admissions. Official isn’t required until some date after classes start. They already have his final HS transcript and the one he has for dual credit classes taken in HS.
He was told that he might not get desirable (to him) housing, but would get something. There is a good chance they could get him into something he wants after the first few weeks of school.
Money isn’t due at old school for a couple of weeks. Yesterday he decided that he was for sure doing this. We will go down to the old school next week so he can get all of his stuff, and we will drop by the school and do whatever is necessary there to make it official
I wasn’t quite right about him needing to tell the girlfriend this weekend because it would eat him up. He normally only comes home on the weekends and stays with his grandparents during the week for work because it’s much closer. When he made a definitive decision yesterday he took the next two days off of work so he could come home and talk to the girlfriend last night. He told her everything, and it did not go over well at all. She told him if he did this then they were done. I knew she was controlling, but I don’t think I knew the extent. I think there have been lots of other ultimatums, but he had always just given in. Apparently she said a bunch of other things this time that made it easier for him to agree that it was definitely over. It sounds like bridges were burned on both sides. Which in the long run probably is good. I hope they stick to it. They both are probably stubborn enough that it really is over. He doesn’t really want to talk to me about details, which is fine. But apparently he has been unhappy with several things in the relationship for a while.
The only thing I’m kind of not okay with is that he did what lots of 19 year olds would do he poured himself a few really stiff drinks when he got home to our house, which had no one in it because my wife and I both had things going on last night. I don’t really care about the drinking, but he can’t tell $8 crappy whiskey from Walmart from a $60 bottle of limited release bourbon. The $60 bourbon that is almost impossible to find is what he was mixing with his Coke, and he drank about half a bottle. Oh well, I would gladly sacrifice $30 of good liquor to have it make these changes. I did flag a few bottles on the liquor cabinet that he is welcome to drink, but ice is the only acceptable mixer!
Your kid sounds like he’s maturing, has made a good choice about his education even though it came at a personal cost, is secure enough to admit when he’s wrong… those are amazing and wonderful things. But a 19 year old drinking half a bottle of alcohol by himself to drown feelings is not normal and would worry me. I wouldn’t care how expensive the alcohol was, underage drinking to excess, by himself and to mask feelings is a list of multiple red flags. Please consider discussing this further and not ignoring this.
What a lot of 19 year old’s do is drink in a social context, with a keg, at a party.
Drinking alone is always a red flag, ask any expert in addiction. If it were me, I’d be adding the drinking to the list of “we should talk about” items you’re going to cover during your drive to pick up his stuff next week. If drinking by himself whenever he has a sad or frustrating or upsetting experience is his normal, I wouldn’t ignore this. Many, many people have broken hearts and upsetting break ups without attacking dad’s stash. They go for a run, they play with the dog, they bingewatch a stupid TV show, they eat ice cream and make popcorn and stay up too late. Flashing light here.
Where is the headslap emoji button?
I tried to make a funny comment and it is being taken out of context. Without getting too far into the weeds, he doesn’t generally drink alone, doesn’t generally drink to large excess, and I exaggerated the amount a bit to embelish the story. In fact one of his complaints about his old school is that he felt like everone around him was drinking, in excess, all the time. He poured the first drink thinking I would be home in a few minutes and we would have a drink together, he didn’t realize I wasn’t coming home at the normal time. He was definitely not sitting here intentionally getting drunk alone.
Does he drink more than he should at 19? Probably. I did too. Is it to the level it is a problem? I’m pretty sure it isn’t. I think this is one issue where I am probably more open in my relationship with my kids than many people. He doesn’t feel the need to hide it from me, so I am probably more aware of it than many other parents.
I appreciate everyone’s concern, but I think it is misplaced in this instance.
I think you and your son handled it great and this does sound like he’s better off at the state flageship. Now that his weekend has opened up maybe you could take a family road trip there to explore it together and help him switch gears.
Sounds like he made the right decision. If she’s not supportive of his decision to go to the college that better meets his needs, she will not be supportive going forward in the relationship for other matters that are important to him.
“if he is going to switch it is better to just do it now.”
I agree with this.
“it doesn’t hurt to remind him you wouldn’t have met his mom if you hadn’t broken up with the previous girlfriend.”
I had almost the same conversation with one daughter about four months ago. My message was pretty much “dating someone who is not quite right will prevent you from meeting someone who is right”. They eventually broke up, and now DD has a new boyfriend who is a much better match for her.
It does sound to me that your son is on the right track. It might have taken a bit of his time and a bit of your money to get there. However almost none of us take the fastest and most direct route from wherever we started to wherever we ended up. We end up doing well anyway.
I think you are being a supportive parent, helping through a rough stretch. Kudos to you! It’s difficult to swallow some remarks that invariably run across the mind when you know something isn’t the optimal choice. That You let him make his mistake, Allows him to see it fully. This move is all his now as was the original choice he made.
MamaCapt sniffs out that both of these decisions highly likely to do with the relationship with the young woman. That he went that school from the get go was highly likely to be with the SO , and that the relationship is floundering is making this transfer even more attractive. That the prime reason he went to this school is now fading, makes it clear that Flagship U was the better choice.
Yeah, some humor with the liquor but it’s also not a cool thing that an underage student is so casual to drink like that and expect a heads up because it reduced his stress. A lot of trouble with alcohol with so many of the kids Ive seen growing up and though I’m not about to proclaim that parental attitude about it contributed or not, I’ve heard more regrets than not , about not upholding the legal line on drinking. And trust me, I have a lot of kid spread over nearly a generation, and all of their friends and my friends’ and family’s kids.
OP, I truly enjoyed reading your story. I am glad to hear your son is on a better path. It is good, every now and then, to be reminded that things can turn out okay even when they didn’t go as one had originally hoped or planned. Thank you for sharing with us and best of luck to your son with his new college experience.
Plus one to transferring as soon as possible. One additional reason is that if he stays where he is now, the GF may spend a semester working on him to stay rather than transfer. Or, she’s furious with him and the break up affects his other friendships because they are in the same social circles. Rip off the band aid as fast as he can.
I assume he has many friends at the State U. He should check with them to see what their housing arrangement are and if someone knows of an opening. I bet your son will have a lot of options within the next few weeks.
Tough sledding, but agree he’s making best move for him. Growing is hard to do! Good on you, Dad!
Told you she would end it. Nice!
But I have to agree about the drinking. My kids 20/22 are free to drink in our house. But would never make a drink for the reasons stated. Even though you know your kid much better then the internet squad here… Please casually talk to your son. Like… It’s OK to have a drink but maybe not after something so emotional or whatever. Just because he told you people were drinking at school does not mean he wasn’t one of them. He’s just telling you what you want to hear. It’s a red flag from one dad to another. Talk to him in a casual way so at least he knows you are aware. If he takes it not in a good light… Well… that is not a good sign. Better to talk now then in therapy later. Most likely you’re absolutely correct but don’t wish you had the conversation.
I am happy things are going in the right direction.
Thanks to everyone for your advice, encouragement, and kind words. I really appreciate it.
Overall I’m pretty happy with how everything turned out. I with he had just taken my advice earlier, but he was the kid who always insisted on touching the hot stove himself instead of letting someone else tell him it was hot.
said
Nailed it. He said so himself last night. If I had dug in, he never would have voluntarily come around. Now he completely owns the decision. And I had to bite my tongue REALLY hard several times the last couple years.
@twoinanddone he does have many friends there. The school has an agricultural campus, as well as a larger campus When he did the tour of the ag campus as a HS senior, more people said hello to him by name than to the tour guide. He probably knows 100 kids there from either his HS or other schools through his HS activities. He’s already trying to work his way into a better living arrangement in the spring. He made a few calls on that Sunday before we even knew if he could get admitted on such short notice.
He’s enjoying his new freedom today. He went golfing with his sister (gf thought golf was dumb so he hasn’t golfed much lately) and get Chinese food (girlfriend didn’t like Chinese food). I’ve seen him smile a lot more, and he just seems happier. I told him so, and he agreed.
I’m going to briefly and for the final time address the alcohol. Yes, it’s illegal. I thought it was a dumb law when I was in college, and I still do. If you can enlist in the army and vote, you should be able to drink. You should not be able to be charged in adult court and have an adult criminal record for minor in possession. The US attitudes about alcohol being forbidden fruit for young adults contribute to many of our problems with it. We restrict it more than most countries, and also have more problems.
He WAS one of the guys drinking too much at school. He felt like everyone was, and that was a problem. He is ok with people occasionally over consuming, and he will be one of them. But not 3-7 nights a week, regardless of class and other responsibilities. I think based on what he has said and on his grades that he wasn’t out drinking nights that he needed to be studying.
We’ve talked about the drinking, and I’m sure we will continue to do so. Last night was not a “drown your sorrows” situation. It was intended to be having a drink with me and talking through what happened. If I had been home, that is indeed what would have happened. Because neither of us treats the alcohol as a big deal. But I didn’t show up until a couple hours later because I didn’t know he was waiting for me.
Thank goodness he finally realized she wasn’t a good match for him! You shouldn’t have to give up things you enjoy doing just bc your gf doesn’t like it. He probably felt like he was walking on eggshells just to keep her happy. The fact that he’s been smiling more and seems happier just shows what a burden the relationship was becoming for him. I wish your S much luck with the transfer and his new-found freedom.
Sounds like he is going to be very happy. He sounds a lot like my son! He went through his bad year his junior year in high school and luckily had his ah-ha moment just before his senior year. He started at his school and has loved it! He also broke up with a girl just before he started (being 1000 miles apart was a deal breaker for him). He met his current gf the second week he was at school and they are still together starting their Junior year in college. Hope he has great success! You have done well.