Glad things are going well for him. And I agree- stay focused on the good, new opportunities, not your feelings about the old place.
Does any successful person have a rigid straight line to where they are decades later? Part of success involves learning how to deal with the less than perfect aspects that are a part of life. Your son gets an A for his experiences- and he didn’t even lose time. How many of us had opportunities to learn so much about ourselves at his age? This will serve him well in years to come. Sleep well, Dad, knowing when the next challenges come your son will have this past to help him make good decisions.
Update 3 months later.
As @wis75 referred to in the previous post, success isn’t a straight line. This semester has not been perfect. He had a couple organizations not take him as a soph this fall, where he would have almost certainly been taken last year. And to be honest missing out on both of them was a significant reason he wanted to transfer. So when he was rejected that was hard for him, and he doesn’t realize it but even harder for me.
Fortunately he was down but not out. When I was in college I told him I applied for several prestigious jobs and organizations, and mostly got rejected. But I figured if I threw enough things against the wall something would stick, and I was right. It was hard for him, but he kept at it, and applied for and got a great internship for next semester that is more selective than the 2 he didn’t get. So he’s pretty happy about that.
Also I think he is going to rejoin his old fraternity from the first school. He was resisting, but his new campus is pretty heavily Greek and he felt like socially he was missing out. He finally went over and met with them last week. They pretty much told him that doing most of the things he hated about his old chapter would get a person kicked out of this one. He was floored how different it was. Much more emphasis on academic and extracurricular success, where the last one was basically a drinking club. I’ll know more in a month or 2, but at least the first impression is that it is a good thing. I have also heard from some of my contacts familiar with the University that it is one of the fraternities doing things the right way.
Classes are definitely tougher, but right now he thinks he will get a 3.5. He always did better than he predicted at the old school, hopefully this is the same. He’s ambivalent about the major change. He is my kid that just doesn’t really like school that much. So the classes don’t excite him but he thinks it will get him where he wants to go, so planning on sticking with it.
I asked a couple days ago how the old girlfriend was getting along. He replied that he had no idea, they haven’t kept in touch at all. So I think that’s good too.
Best of all his relationships with all of us have reset. I was talking to his brother last night, and we both agreed that we have had more and better conversations with him over the last 3 months that the 3 years before that. Brother thinks that is one reason he broke up with the girlfriend, he realized she was poisoning his relationships with everyone else. Not sure if that is correct, but it sure is nice to have him back.
Great to hear he is doing well. Seems like he’s making a great adjustment.
Yes, great update, and I’m glad he’s adjusting well.
It’s so hard as parents to see your kids not get something they want. One of my fav twitter fads was when academics (and you could do this for any career) tweeted about all their professional failures (paper rejections, research rejections, job rejections). Nice to normalize that everyone’s road is bumpy even if it’s not obvious to those on the outside.
Thanks for the update!! It is great to hear that things are getting better.
@dadof4kids - I just read this whole thread and was happy to hear the update. Letting kids make their own mistakes and live through their “failures” is one of the hardest things to do as parents. Or letting them make iffy decisions when we know the likely outcome. We’re dealing with a similar issue with our S20 where we are needing to let him pick a direction in his life that we didn’t initially see for him, but he also is a stubborn one and will resist even more if we impart our opinions on him. The last couple months have been incredibly stressful and tension has developed when we NEVER had any with him. Part of this is because it’s fall of his senior year and he’s in the middle of lots of college apps, but part is because of a girlfriend situation we are trying to be on board with, but aren’t the happiest with. With all the issues, I just have to remember that hopefully things will work out in the end. Not easy!
So, I’m happy to see things are better, even though there have been some more bumps. Especially the family relationships getting better. Thanks for the update!
Thanks for the update! So glad he is doing well and especially that your relationship is better.
@dadof4kids what I like so much about this thread is the closer look at parenting. You’re doing so much right. Makes me smile.
Thanks for the update. Upcoming holidays should be enjoyable.
Thanks for all the kind words. I’m sure like several of you, there are days I feel like I’m hitting the parenting challenge out of the park, and there are other days I feel like I’m failing miserably.
We will see if it holds, but I’ve really always had a good relationship with S19 and D21. Right now instead of a normal teen/parent relationship it’s more akin to the relationship I have with my own parents, as far as mutual respect and listening to advice. Kind of weird for them to be that mature frankly, but we never really hit the rough patch, just kind of went straight from a little kid listening to everything to a young adult making their own choices but actively seeking out the wisdom of those who have encountered those situations before.
S18 was a knucklehead for a few years, and basically said as much to me a few months ago when this whole situation arose. But at least for now, he seems back. I’m guessing it’s permanent, although I could be wrong I suppose.
But as mentioned above, success isn’t a straight line.
D25 has been a moody teen since she was about 9 or 10. I’m having to deal with her in ways I haven’t encountered before. Which also causes tension, because she has less freedom than her siblings did, and she is aware of it. But she also has proven herself less trustworthy.
Oh well, I’m pretty lucky to have 3/4 on board at their ages. And the one I worry about still has time to right the ship.
Again, thanks for the kind words and encouragement.
Small note on the fraternity difference.
S18, who definitely does drink alcohol and doesn’t have a problem with it, was planning on dropping his fraternity at the old campus even if he returned, because he felt like the alcohol abuse was out of control and something he didn’t want to be associated with.
Same fraternity on the new campus fined a member $350 at the first meeting S went to for bringing alcohol into the house. Even though he would prefer to be able to keep a 6 pack of beer in his fridge, he has seen how that can spiral out of control, so he is pretty happy with the “no alcohol in the house” policy and the fact that they seem to take it pretty seriously.
@dadof4kids I recall that my older son was starting to be difficult and moody around this age. He is our first and so we just let it go and thought it was the usual preteen stuff. As years progressed, we noticed more moodiness and difficulties at school. He was diagnosed with ADHD - inattentive, which manifests this way in many kids. (it was from lurking in this forum that we got him tested.) Your kid may just be difficult for no reason, but it could be other things. Especially in girls, adhd-inattentive often goes undiagnosed.
Glad he is doing well.
My S17 is just finishing up his year as a fraternity president. He went to a big education meeting with all the presidents of all the chapters in the country before he took office. He told me there were certain large school chapters he would never be a part of after hearing how they handled things. His chapter is much more strict than it was in the past and even this year he abolished some things that he felt had the potential to get people in trouble. Chapters of the same fraternity are VERY different. Hope your son enjoys it. Mine has grown a lot being in leadership!
S17 also went through a very bad patch in HS. He was an idiot! He knows it too! His had to do with his choice of friends. Luckily he grew out of it by the time he started his Sr. year! They do grow up! We were talking about how in his Jr. HS year we never would have believed he is where he is today! Congrats to your S and to you.
Yes, if you told me 8 years ago how well my 24-year-old son would be doing, I wouldn’t have thought you were crazy! It’s hard to believe how much he has matured and gotten his act together. Whew!