<p>Hey, I'm Steve, a junior in college. I transferred to my university a year ago after doing a year in a community college. Last year was all right (I lived in a dorm and had plenty of social opportunities), however, I live an apartment now so there's obviously less chances to meet people. And I also found out that most of my friends from the dorm that I hung out with on the weekend most of the time were fakes. Hence, I'm now without my main friend group although I have a few other friends but not very many.</p>
<p>I'm feeling really bad about the situation and am scared that I'm going to be lonely most of the time. I've tried clubs but none of them seem social enough to the point where I could meet a new group of friends easily. Also, I've had issues with not only depression and anxiety but also with what to do in a social interaction. Because of this, I come off weird and not smooth like I need to be, and maybe even rude sometimes. These issues have been going on since junior high (at age 12, 20 now) so they're pretty serious. It also hinders my ability to be professional, since I noticed that I couldn't really get a good discussion going with recruiters at a job fair that I went to yesterday. I feel like everyone else is just so far ahead of me in all aspects.</p>
<p>Would taking a year or two off benefit me? Maybe I just wasn't ready to be in a college where everyone is just so professionally/socially competitive. If I were to take a year off, I'd get counseling, social skills training, work on self-improvement, and maybe even find some research/intern work that would relate to the job field I want to enter (Software Engineering).</p>
<p>My main worries about taking time off are:
1. Re-adjusting to college after a long break where I wasn't doing anything academic.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Being an older student and unable to learn as easily as others who are younger. (I'd be 21 or so when I left, I would also have one year left ideally so that would put me at 22 or 23 when I re-enter and 23 or 24 when I graduate)</p></li>
<li><p>Being unable to find a social group as an older person on campus. Yeah, you get all the hype about being popular by being the guy that's 21+, but I'm scared of being "the creepy older guy" or just not being able to relate to younger people.</p></li>
<li><p>Finding a place to live that's social, since I might be over the maximum age to live in a place on campus.</p></li>
<li><p>Getting a job or an intern as an older student, as employers would want to know why you're behind everyone else and what you did during the break that would probably appear on the average transcript.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Thanks to anyone who was able to read all of that, haha!</p>
<p>You may suffer from some sort of socialization deficiency, but removing yourself from your peer group is the exact opposite of what you should do to rectify that.</p>
<p>Meeting people is never ‘easy,’ you need to actively search out people you identify with.</p>
<p>The recruiting fair is particularly worrisome. Learning how to smalltalk with people is nothing but repetition- recruiters at a college fair are always interested in talking to you as long as you appear presentable (no piercings, tatoos, well combed hair, nice clothes), so why do you think they weren’t interested in talking about their respective companies with you?</p>
<p>They were interested in talking to me about their company but I don’t know if they were really that interested. Everyone there was so qualified and had a resume full of experience and were able to talk to the recruiter for 10+ minutes but I wasn’t able to talk to too many of them for more than 5. One rep from Microsoft actually told me straight on that my resume was a piece of s**t, not directly but hinted at it.</p>
<p>I’ve been searching for groups for years but they all end up running away. I always have to do all the work, and they don’t even talk to me sometimes. There must be something that turns them off immediately or pushes them away. I don’t know if it’s depression, lack of assertiveness/confidence, major unnoticed social mistakes or just who I am. I only have a few interests, while everyone else has tons of them. There’s things that have been untreated for years that need to be taken care of.</p>
<p>Would it just be better to tough it out and try to improve my life in general or to take a year off and improve without pressure but also risk not going back to college?</p>
<p>These are 2 very separate issues, IMO. If socialization is your main problem, taking a year off would be the worst possible idea–you will not graduate with any friends/classmates who are your year, friends will graduate and leave, you will come back feeling older than everyone in your classes, in short you will know even fewer people and have even fewer friends/semi-friends.</p>
<p>If depression is your main problem, do take a year off. I did that exact thing; I was just fried and it was REALLY exacerbating my (previously latent for a couple of years) depression and I just got worse and worse. A year to just work full time (far less stressful than school for me) and recharge and read lots of fun books and exercise a lot did WONDERS for my mental health and my motivation to get back in school and kick butt and finish.</p>
<p>Socialization is difficult for many people, but it can be learned. Though it seems really offputting to someone who is not super social, you should look into taking a speech class or joining a group like toastmasters. This will help you develop social skills, speaking skills, and build confidence. </p>
<p>You need to seek guidance at your school’s counseling center. There may be support groups for people with issues with socialization/introversion. They will definitely have hand outs and brochures with information on making friends, balancing school and social lives, etc. </p>
<p>The idea that older students do not learn as well as younger ones is just ridiculous. Also, you are 21 which is not old at all! There are many, many students in America who are in their late 20s and up.</p>
<p>I think frenchie’s right about the 2 separate issues. It’ll take a while looking for friends. Know that you don’t need a lot of so-so friends, even just one really close friend is better than a lot of so-so friends</p>
<p>Hey, I’m 24 and a transfer student from a Community College. I wouldn’t suggest taking a year off. Just try talking to some of your classmates. A lot of people are lonely and looking for friends too! If you do decide to take a year off, I wouldn’t worry about not being able to learn as easy if you are older. I feel like my 20 year old self would not be able to handle being in a big university. As a 24 year old college student, I appreciate the opportunity a lot more and I feel as though I take my studies more seriously than my peers. You can do it! Just try talking to classmates about school stuff and the rest will follow.</p>
<p>bent89-My main problem isn’t getting up the courage to talk to someone, I can do that already, it’s just being too weird when I do so and not coming off as charismatic and intelligent. Also that’s cool that learning is about as easy as if you were younger. Do you find it easy to fit in with younger people though?</p>
<p>2redhares-I’ve been thinking about taking a speech class, don’t know how much it would help though. And it’s good that you can still learn when you’re over 21-22 but one of my other concerns is fitting in with younger students. Also see my response to bent89 above.</p>
<p>frenchie90-I kind of do feel like depression could be my main issue. Both depression and anxiety have limited my social life for years.</p>
<p>There are tons of other weird people out there, I work at a comic book store so I should know ;)</p>
<p>Really, you just need to find a niche. What do you like to do? There may be a club for that at your school or in your town. And you can also make friends online, though I understand wanting face to face interaction. I have really, really good friends that I met online that I talk to on the phone, through skype, and am pen pals with. </p>
<p>I am also an innately shy person, with a strange sense of humor and interests. The trick is finding people (or really just one person) who get you and accept you. College is a great place for this! College brings many people that may never have interacted with eachother to one place; if your college is not tiny I bet there is a group of people with similar interests. For me, I got involved with the Journalism department and was able to make friends through there. I later became involved with a music co-op and the same thing happened. If there isn’t a campus group, look to the community. Volunteering can also help you make friends- I volunteer at a rock camp for girls and have made friends with so many wonderful women because of it. </p>
<p>I was a really awkward kid, but taking speech classes and doing debate helped a great deal. I learned how to formulate arguments/conversations, gained confidence, and saw how to present myself. I am still awkward in many respects, but it isn’t as noticeable and this has helped immensely.</p>
<p>Also, some people may not be cut out for having a bajillion friends and networking type stuff. That is okay! Some people are introverted and/or shy. Those people are absolutely capable of having friends and an active social life. Your social life does not have to conform to what other people think it should be, if it makes you happy and your friends feel the same then you are doing it right.</p>
<p>I understand the idea of finding a niche, however, I don’t really know if I’ve found one yet. The weird thing is that I have a lot of mainstream interests in addition to my geeky interests. I really feel like I’ve been screwed out a deal when I realize that I have the social skills of a geek (or even someone with HFA), yet I have the desire to go out and party of a frat boy. ***?</p>
<p>I don’t care about knowing everyone on campus, I just want a group of friends that accept me and are willing do go out and socialize on a regular basis. People have been treating me like a dog since high school though, and the message I’m usually getting is “know your place” versus “anyone can change from awkward to social”. I honestly don’t know if there’s even anyone out there that would accept me and welcome me, I just feel like maybe I’m just that different from everyone else…</p>
<p>I want to check out some clubs on campus, and I have, I just wish I had more money (a lot involve travelling to places) or that my major wasn’t so demanding (computer science). I usually stick with ones that have a social part to them, but also don’t require too much of my time or too much money.</p>
<p>I’ve always thought about taking a speech class, I think I might do that next semester. I can probably benefit from speaking and tacking anxiety in a social/public speaking scenario.</p>
<p>Honestly, being awkward is just a trait. Think about it like The Sims. Your sim can gain charisma points by practicing speaking in the mirror and become more likable. If the sim has traits like unfriendly, well, that makes it a lot harder, but it can be done though they will take longer than a sim with the friendly, schmoozer, or talkative traits. Your sim will always have whatever traits you gave it, but it can acquire skills and change how it does things.
Obviously, people are not sims, but you can gain skills. You may always feel akward or, at least, a lot of the time feel that way. Not everyone will see you that way! I still feel awkward, but rarely do I express that (that’s goes a long way) and it seems like no one notices unless I do something really embarrassingly obvious.
I have mainstream interests as well, you don’t have to sacrifice one for the other. Why do you want to go out and party? Because it genuinely seems fun or because you think that’s what happens in college? Let me tell you, the journalism kids are geeky, but we used to have crazy parties. Geeks like to have fun too!
Monetary restrictions definitely suck, I understand that. You could also look for a part-time job in something that interests you and get paid to be around people who like the same stuff as you! That’s what I did with the comic book store I work at, and now I have friends who also want to drink wine and talk about magic girl mangas. </p>
<p>It is horrible that people have bullied you into thinking that you are less than and need to “know your place.” You are in college now and away from those people. College is much more fluid! With that said, you can’t go around projecting these past experiences. Eventually you will meet people, hopefully become close to them and be able to talk about those issues, but that’s not how you start off getting to know people. Go by your school’s counseling center and they will be happy to help you deal with the feelings that are a result of those experiences. You are not alone in feeling like you are different. I still feel different in a negative way sometimes, but I have learned to cultivate what I feel is good about me. There is no probable way that in a world of 7 billion people you are the only person with an interest in certain things. You should be more accepting of yourself. We are often the most unkind to ourselves, keep that in mind.</p>
<p>It is hard fitting in with younger students, IME. I dropped out of school at 20 years old and was 22 when I went back. I’m 23 now and in my last semester in undergrad, and it’s hard to relate to 19-year-old problems sometimes, not gonna lie. Many of my classmates live in dorms and with their parents, don’t have cars, can’t go out for a drink and hang out, don’t have bills/money stress and can’t relate, are generally just more childish behaviorally, etc. My best/favorite college friend right now is a grad student who has been in a couple of my (very specialized) undergrad classes because we are close to the same age. It sucked watching all of MY friends graduate before me and knowing very few people around campus when I went back.</p>
<p>2redhares-I guess genetics is a powerful force. I understand that it’ll take a long while to improve on everything, I just feel discouraged when I realize that it’ll probably take until I’m around 30 or so to get good enough at socializing to be able to make and keep friends and get a girlfriend. It would just be so awkward to be having your first real group of friends, first social life, first girlfriend, etc. at that age when most people did that 20 years ago. Not to mention, it would be hard finding a friend group at that age when people only care about their families and careers and to find a girl that doesn’t want an experienced guy. I really do want to improve, just the idea of missing out on college and being older when I finally do gain people skills is really discouraging.</p>
<p>At my school, most of the geeks would rather stay away from partying. I see a clear wall between the 2 lifestyles. There is rarely anyone who is well-rounded enough to be involved in both. As for the job, maybe I could be a tech assistant in a lab or work at a gamestop.</p>
<p>It’s not just high school that people are acting this way, btw. It’s been happening in college too, which makes me believe that life is just this way.</p>
<p>frenchie90-I hear you. I’m just toying with the idea of going home and taking a break then coming back stable. You did bring up a good point, watching everyone in my class graduate and knowing I’m years behind would be terrible.</p>
<p>Genetics is a powerful force. You learn a lot of your socialization from your parents. My dad was a classic diagnosed case of anti-social personality disorder and my mom is a paranoid schizophrenic. Neither of my parents really had friends- my dad wasn’t friendly at all, my mom is friendly, but both are/were extremely inappropriate and combative with people. I’ve dealt with depression since I was a small child, I am now 28. I’ve come a very long way and I refuse to believe that people cannot learn social skills because I learned them when I was an extremely rough/shy/akward person. I relate to how you feel, but you have got to give things a shot. I know it’s hard to think it can change when you’ve had so many bad experiences. </p>
<p>As far as “It would just be so awkward to be having your first real group of friends, first social life, first girlfriend, etc. at that age when most people did that 20 years ago” goes, there are people I know that are my age who have never had those things. Some by choice, some just because it didn’t happen and for the most part they are all fine, well-adjusted people. And honestly, it’s no one’s business about these things unless you want them to know. If you want to make friends you have to put yourself out there and be more positive. Yes, I know it’s discouraging, but everyone gets rejected at some point. EVERYONE. </p>
<p>“There is rarely anyone who is well-rounded enough to be involved in both.” I think this is probably how it seems on the outside to you, or you are proving my point that you are a lot more like people than you think. </p>
<p>What do you do that you think is so awkward? Has anyone ever told you that an interaction was awkward? You need to assess what is “awkward” about you and figure out if it is something you can/want/are willing to change. It is obvious that you want to be less awkward as you perceive it, but you keep shooting down advice. </p>
<p>Again, go and talk to the people at your health services/counseling center. They will be able to asses what you can do and maybe offer better suggestion than we can.</p>
<p>I can address the “older student” stuff because I’m a 42 year old freshman. First, about the depression - a lot of schools have a counseling center. Check and see if yours does. They can probably advise you best, and may be able to help or refer you to someone who can. I would give your new college a little more time - it’s rough going for most people until they have more time to get acclimated. But I will address the older student stuff. I think an older student actually has an advantage with the jobs. Employers want mature employees, particularly with work experience not just school experience. I don’t feel like “the creepy older lady”. I have actually been surprised by how much the younger students talk to me and want me in their group for group projects. Once they get to know you even a little they know whether you are “creepy” or cool based on your personality, and age becomes almost irrelevant. That said, while I definitely feel like I “fit in” academically, the extra-curricular stuff doesn’t really interest me, and I wouldn’t feel like I “fit in” at a wild frat party. I have a family to go home to and other responsibilities, and I want to spend time with my fianc</p>
<p>I’m not a big fan of gap years, but here I’ll try to be objective about your concerns:
Yes, but if you decide to do one, make sure you’re filling your time with academics. Check out a textbook on an advanced math course and learn it, pick up a new language or two, or read a bunch of classic literature. Better yet, see if you can take a class or two at a community college for programming.
No, if anything a year or two will bring you closer to the late 20s, when the brain is generally the best at learning.
As long as you’re not visibly older than a college student, you’ll be fine. One of my friends is a junior and he’s no worse absorbed for it (into our social group of otherwise freshmen).
You’ll be fine.
Well, have something to tell them. But it probably won’t be an issue.</p>
<p>Are you currently seeing a therapist? If not that is the absolute first step you need to take ASAP. You sound like no matter what you’ll be in school for this academic year, theirs no reason you can’t see a MHP while going to school to get help with your problems.</p>
<p>As for the gap year most MHP would advise you that there is nothing wrong with a gap year to work on mental health if needed, but you can’t spend that year just going to therapy every day. You need to still have a life, job, volunteering, interests, activities. Structure and a routine. You need to still be active in the world, so you have a place to go out and practice the skills therapy can give you to cope with depression and anxiety.</p>
<p>Have you looked into what you would do to get help? Is there a specific type of therapy or a treatment program you’ve found that you’re interested in?</p>