Thing is going to be long, but I don’t know. I feel like it’s less on the college and just me at this point. Even as a sophomore it’s still not getting better, I still hate it. I feel like I’m not right for college.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m struggling socially, mentally, and constantly pressured academically. Everyone says college is the best, hard but a blast, and that you’ll find “your people” when you’re there. That you shouldn’t stress about your major, “you’ve got time”.
I went through my freshman year undecided at university - hated it. I’d moved in early as part of a program (“leadership” workshops, moving in 100+ students into their dorms) in hopes of making friends and adjusting sooner - I’d made a couple friends during that time, but as soon as the school year stated, I fell out of contact with all of them.
The rest of the year was a downhill trend. I was taking classes that were of little to no interest but necessary for graduation credits, I got a part-time job at the university, I attended a 6-week undecided program outside of classes that supposedly helped students better understand what to do with their life (for me, it didn’t help), I joined a couple clubs. 1st semester I joined Asian American Society - dropped early into 2nd semester because I wasn’t making friends with anyone, they were all very cliquey. The other club was similar but smaller, but I dropped because again, it just wasn’t that pleasant.
It was just isolating, I was constantly depressed and had no friends. I stuck through and returned this year – sophomore year – but literally had a private breakdown during move-in week because I was just freaked out, back in this toxic environment. Because I still have no idea. I’m in two volunteering club, everyone is nice, but again, no friends. I tried rushing for a sorority, in hopes of creating tight-knit community this year - but dropped during the rush process because I just could not afford the dues, I am not a rich student unlike the majority of this school.
Oh yeah, the kicker to all this? I’m a full ride student - education-lotto winner right here, I’m literally not exaggerating by saying scholarships fell into my lap while other kids in the world busted their asses to get even a dime. And I’m still miserable. I feel like a POS, I wish I was having a blast or at least had more of a drive to be something - but I’m not, I don’t. But it’d just be so stupid to transfer because I’m attending such a good school (Big 10) for free. I’m trapped. I just feel so, so undeserving to be here, I feel like I’m wasting my time and their money, and I question why I was even accepted or why I was worthy of getting these scholarships – what did they see that I’m missing? What am I doing wrong?
There’s just so much more I haven’t even talked about in this post, but it’s already long enough. At this point I feel I wasn’t accepted into this school because of my capability, I truly feel like I was accepted because I was an in-state, Asian-minority, small-town poverty, 1st generation kid - just a sliver to add to their percentage on their stats page to show how “diverse” and “accepting” this school is.
