Our D22 is headed off to college in a couple of weeks and she likely won’t be home until winter break. Her spring break is also not aligned with her brother’s, who is still in high school. It occurs to me that we usually book a few weekend getaways here and there over long weekends and go somewhere over spring break … but none of that is going to sync up with my D’s school calendar.
Whenever I think about booking a trip that doesn’t include her, I can’t help but think she will be upset and it makes me sad. I know this happens… but it’s hard! How have your college kids reacted to small trips without them (but including siblings who are still at home)? Any ideas to weather the change?
I think that this is part of “adulting” for your kids. Yes we have gone though this (starting almost precisely 8 years ago). I think that every parent goes through this at some point.
Your child at university is in an entirely different world. I think that she will be sufficiently focused on what she is doing there to be okay with not going on your trips.
We did do a few of these trips to visit whichever daughter was in university at the time. We have also kept in touch via phone calls and text.
At this point one of our daughters is in a graduate program, and the other is working hard at her first solid professional job after graduating university. We still miss them quite often. However, this is the way that it needs to go.
This was hard for me to think about also, but once our daughter got to college, her life became so full and busy, that she did not mind us taking vacations without her. It helped her to be aware of where and when we were going, and we sent photos so she didn’t feel out of the loop. Also, we started going away with just her during times when her siblings couldn’t go.
It’s really fun to travel with just one child–everything is cheaper and easier!
We rescheduled things once our eldest started college. Instead of taking big vacations together we worked to find a long weekend that was good with everyone’s schedule. I always felt that having our two kids spend time together as young adults (on the long weekend they shared a room, always went on a big hike together) was an important aspect of any family trip.
Can you plan a side trip with her on her breaks? Even a long weekend somewhere not too far away? Everyone needs a break. (but she will likely survive just fine missing some family vacations!)
We take a summer every vacation with my sister, our 5 and her 3. Now 2 have graduated, 1 is away at grad school, 3 are in college, 2 in high school. We rent a beach house which we book a year in advance. This summer was the first without 1, my 21 year old in grad school, 3 semesters a year. We feel lucky we got all of those years with everyone, but trying to plan around 8 kids/young adults is impossible.
We take an annual weeklong spring break trip with my SIL and her family. Since breaks didn’t line up this year, my D20 could only join us for a three day weekend. It was a great compromise - we got to see her and she got to enjoy a bit of the festivities. That was probably the last time she’ll join us on any part of our big family trips - she’s too busy doing her own traveling with friends these days to feel left out.
We started taking our bigger trips over the winter break. That seemed to be the only time we could be assured both kids would be available. Our oldest cooped and was busy each summer. We went to California one year. Washington DC another, a short cruise another. If we intend to include them on weekend trips we just go near where they are living. Occasionally when we’ve done that they are too busy to be much of a part of it.
It’s a big shift for sure! We try to do mini trips with our D during her breaks and then do our own stuff. The first trip without her I kept finding myself thinks constantly about what she would like and I did miss her. She was fine though because she was in Italy on a study abroad program.
It does get easier and I’ve found it really nice reconnection time with my H.
I was so angry as a college sophomore when my parents and younger brother went to Disney World without me. I remember whining and whining about the unfairness of it all to my Mom when she rationalized that it was the only timing that worked with my brother’s spring break and my Dad’s work schedule. But after my older son started college we only took one family trip and that was after his freshman year when we went to a wedding. His brothers are only 2 years younger, though. We took many fun family trips when my sons were younger and all 3 went on several big boy scout trips together. But since starting college they really haven’t been interested in family trips. It’s easier for them to just get together at our house for a weekend a couple of times a year.
Hm upon reflection I think we crossed that bridge without even thinking much about it! Our first to leave for college went really far away, so no one even considered the possibility of her being a part of any trips, and it didn’t seem like a big deal to us but maybe that’s because with different kid activities, all along we had weekend trips here and there with one parent or the other and not all siblings together. We did go to visit her on one of the weekends, and same when second child went off to college. I do think that neither of my college kids cared much about any trips we were taking at home because they were so absorbed in their college lives…and often taking their own weekend trips. High school and college spring breaks seem to never match up, so that wasn’t really considered either, and the college kids made plans with their college friends.
The only time I remember thinking and feeling much about it was the first time our oldest couldn’t meet us for our summer family vacation. That was definitely different and we all felt it. Luckily so far it was only that one year. We know it won’t last forever even though we secretly hope it will!
Maybe I’m a bad parent. Our youngest went off to college, and we planned a trip to Hawaii, for 2. (We had taken our kids there twice, from the east coast, so we didn’t feel too guilty).
When 2 of our 3 were in college, we planned a nice vacation one year, and at least one of them used it as an excuse not to get a job for the summer. (She was only with us for part of the summer, and her other parents also had vacation planned (multiple weeks), and she liked vacations more than work…).
Now we have taken a vacation or 2 with just 1 of our kids, because the timing has worked out for them to go with us, and they don’t have a car.
I would love to take more vacations with the entire family, but my husband isn’t as into it.
Thank you, everyone, for your stories and ideas. It’s reassuring to hear that college kids get into their own lives and take their own trips and they won’t miss whatever their family is doing here and there. And it’s true we can pop down for a weekend and whisk her off on a little getaway (a mother-daughter spa weekend or special trip near where she’s going to school). Her school is about an hour flight away from us or a 6-7 hour drive.
I guess I’m just used to planning everything for a family of 4 and I have to get used to something different! We will still have our summer opportunities and a lot of overlap in winter break, too.
I think it was easier for our kids than it was for us. For the big trips, we still have tried to do them together over winter break/Thanksgiving or possibly summer. But the short little trips, I think our kids were glad that we weren’t just sitting home bummed that they were gone. I like sending them pictures of us doing new/different things without them. “See your parents aren’t completely boring!”
That being said, it was also weird with one gone and one at home. The two of them used to hang out together wherever we’d go, and I’d feel bad that younger S was stuck with us. We are early morning people, and they are not!
it is very weird, and I will admit I cried the first time we did it — but change is good. My kids always send us photos of where they are, thinking of us, and we do the same. Once a year we try to do something together but you really have to be flexible. We rented an airbnb for a weekend that was geographically easy for everyone, and then watched movies and cooked together.
My husband and I took our first trip without the kids right after we dropped them both off at college. My husband got a mild case of Covid at the end of our getaway - that will teach us not to travel without the kids
At this point, a trip with our college kids will be hard - different schedules, summer internship ambitions, they want to travel with friends and do their own thing. Thinking it is the end of an era and glad they are confident travelers.
Good point made above. Most kids won’t HESITATE to take trips without you when they have the means!!
I say that in seriousness! In a great situation you will take some trips together and some apart. And when you take trips apart because you as parents have shown them a love for traveling you can each have the joy of seeing another family
Member enjoy a vacation - even with out you - but WITH YOU when they share photos and videos!
If either of your kids are of an academic mindset where they can skip a couple days without missing a beat, I would suggest considering that so everyone can be together for a long weekend. Especially if the two of them are close.
My kids are two years apart in school so,that meant as soon as the older one left for college we were smack in the middle of college visits for the younger. We probably did 6-8 trips that year which she wouldn’t have wanted to be involved in anyway. So the stage was was easily set.
