@Publisher You need to move to my community. Parents are ALL over teachers…write papers, etc. We had to meet with a teacher once about an issue our son was facing and when we finished she said “that’s it? I’m used to being belittled until I raise a grade and threatened if I don’t.”
I also agree…they author is confused about helicopter parents. His definition is way off.
Once, and only once, when my son was in Catholic school, I met with the Principal to discuss a minor disciplinary action. Her response was “how much more punishment do you want us to give him?”
My favorite saying (from a friend with five amazing kids): “Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.”
I only got heavily involved with a teacher when one decided it was a good idea to give extra credit for kids who didn’t use the bathroom during class!! After pointing out how this was nuts for many reasons, she dug in deeper and callled me a helicopter mom and that the principal had approved this plan. Indeed he had. The superintendent however was less than amused. She stopped the practice 5 minutes after my call and the teacher had to write an apology sent to each family.
@maya54, I can relate. When my kid’s grades plummeted from straight A’s in 6th grade (elementary school) to some D’s in 7th grade (jr. high), we were alarmed. In a meeting with this 7th grade teacher, we asked him to work with us on getting our kid back on track. His response? “They have to be allowed to fail sometime.” Oh, heck no. Wrong thing to say to two parents who are educators. I sharpened my blades and I’m glad I did. S is a college grad and happily living on his own with a great career.
From the article.
I read through the book summary on Amazon and they say Chinese parents, both in the US and in China, go the furthest in this “authoritative” direction. This is Amy Chua “Tiger Mom” all over again.
With respect to tiger parenting, is it “authoritative” or “authoritarian”? Some of the worst stereotypes of tiger parenting seem more “authoritarian” than “authoritative”.
In any case, the column and the preview pages of the book suggest that economic inequality is both a cause and effect of more intensive parenting. More economic inequality → parents push their kids to compete for scarcer good positions in the economy → well resourced parents do it more effectively to their kids’ advantage* → more economic inequality inherited to the next generation.
For the Chinese parents I know, it’s more authoritative and involved. They are heavily invested in their children’s lives, especially with regard to academics.
Unfortunately, Amy Chua seems to have promoted a more “authoritarian” style of tiger parenting. See the first essay in http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/hwaters-/psy327/articles/Chinese%20mothers.pdf .
Authoritative or authoritarian, both her kids got into Harvard. I read that “Battle Hymn” story at the time and thought it was great.
Meh, I think most finger waggers who critique helicopter or tiger parents are merely envious they haven’t got the wherewithal to be either. Most of us just can’t manage all that work.
I like that.
I’ve heard the parents who do the child’s homework and argue with the child’s teacher about grades called “Snowplow Parents” rather than helicopter parents. These are the ones who plow through every obstacle in their child’s way, clearing the path so to speak.
The article seems to be conflating “involved parenting” with “helicopter parenting”. Checking that your kid has done their homework, meeting with the teacher to discuss your kid’s progress, etc. is not helicopter parenting. Helicopter parenting is when you do your kid’s homework for them, yell at the teacher when your kid fails, make sure that your kid has 35 after-school programs, but don’t teach them how to make breakfast for themselves, etc. I find it very difficult to believe that these kids actually do better than kids whose parents allowed them to try things and fail.
This article is, in fact, self-contradictory. It describe “authoritative" parents as parents who “emphasize adaptability, problem-solving and independence”. Parents who emphasize these behaviors are NOT what psychologists mean by “Helicopter Parents”. Helicopter parents suppress independence by doing everything for their kids, they discourage problem solving by spoon-feeding kids, and never letting them actually learn from their mistakes, and they suppress adaptability by never letting their kids explore different ways of doing things (“If you want to get into Harvard in another 12 years, you need to learn how to do math in this exact manner”).
This article is saying that “X is good, because people who did Y succeeded”. It’s like saying “overly aggressive driving is good for traffic, because people who plan their trips, focus on driving, and are very good a controlling their cars, have been shown to reduce the number of accidents and traffic jams”.
Gah, just when I think that the NYT has produced the biggest piece of BS as an opinion piece, they prove me wrong. The entire purpose of this piece is to make the readers of the NYT feel good about their parenting by claiming that their bad parenting is, in fact, good, because they’re actually doing the exact opposite of their actual actions.
Sybylla - I respectfully disagree. Some parents choose not to micromanage the lives of their children. I find is especially disturbing when a parent pushes and pushes a child who simply is not up to the task. I remember reading an interview with Lisa Ling about the stress and lack of confidence she felt well into adulthood because of her parents. They expected A’s all the time and she said she just wasn’t an A student. In no way am I envious of such behavior.
My friend’s daughter just went through a round of interviews evaluating young professionals. She got 45 emails from the parents of the interviewees. Helicopter parents are breaking new ground.
I agree with others in that I can’t believe I wasted one of my free NYT article viewings on this poorly written piece.
I have a friend who is a college professor and department chair. I was shocked to hear how many parent calls she gets from parents. In college!
DH’s last company also had a parent try to sit in on a job interview with their adult child. Bet you can guess if the applicant was offered the job…
I agree with others that there’s great ambiguity of terms and that the article is also poorly written. There are also many differences of opinion as to what constitutes appropriate, let alone “ideal.” parenting. For some, it will mean full-on involvement and even “partnering” with their children (the latter is not my style; it’s important to me that my children own their successes and failures). For others, appropriate parenting means teaching them self-sufficiency from the earliest possible age. I also think male and female styles of parenting differ, and this is why I believe (just my belief) that “helicoptering” is a term far more directed at mothers than at fathers. There is the occasional control-freak Dad, but overall, fathers, i.m.e., are “looser” about what might fall through the parenting cracks and tend to be more interested in teaching independence and confidence to their children.
I have never done my children’s homework or in other ways gotten involved in routine homework – only when it came to actually purchasing materials for projects and being their additional resource and transportation for that. I have known of parents who literally do the projects for their children – design the boards, do the lettering, etc. Even if I wanted to do that (don’t), the knowledge that it would embarrass my children and make it obvious it was not their own work would be disincentive enough.
In a word, I think helicoptering can be defined as utter lack of trust – lack of trust in the child and in any environment outside of the home. Now, with regard to public education, I think that there’s some legitimate cause for concern among parents of various States. In my State, the teaching of verbal skills is pathetic. Insufficient grade-level reading is assigned, insufficient test of comprehension, vastly insufficient attention to writing – analysis, synthesis, interpretation – three skills they will be asked to use in college. Therefore, parents turn to tutors because quality tutors will teach these skills and especially give students plenty of opportunity to write. The worse the educational system, the more parents will turn to a free marketplace to give their children the opportunities the children deserve.
Sometimes the parents get more action than the kids.
When my daughter tried to register for her second semester classes, they told her her final high school transcript had never been received. We had the high school resend and a friend go pick up a copy and send it to the college. Nope, they didn’t have either of those when she went to register (online, on a Friday night) so she was blocked. It was a long weekend. She went at 8 am to the registrar’s office. Nope, nothing they could do. I called (2 hour time different) the only number I had, which was answered by the FA office. The guy pulled up her file, he was puzzled, and then I asked “Is is possible she has two files?” Oh, yes, that was the problem. They’d opened two files with two different student numbers, so there was only a 50/50 chance that a document would get into the right file.
Sometimes it does take a parent’s interference.
@twoinanddone One of those files was opened by your daughter and the other was opened by you… ha ha, j/k 
I’ve been a sort of honorary foster mom to a young man who is a junior at a local college. His mother died when he was 14, and his father has provided a roof over his head, but has shown absolutely no interest in his education. The lack of authoritative parenting is obvious in many ways. His basic skills - stuff he should have learned by middle school are woefully lacking. He forgets to turn in homework, doesn’t study sufficiently for tests, has poor critical reading skills. He’s at least two semesters behind, so he’ll graduate in 5+ years, if by some miracle he gets it together. I’ve talked to him about withdrawing for a few years and perhaps joining the military or working, but he won’t hear it.
I was an authoritative parent with my own three children - the two oldest are recent Ivy League grads with great jobs, and the youngest is a sophomore at an Ivy. While I occasionally proofed a paper when they were in college and advised them on big decisions - concentrations, classes to take, they were quite independent with the skills to succeed.
So, I’ve started to use the same techniques with my “fourth” child to try to whip him into shape. He’s one of a group of young men that I help, and all of them have said that they appreciate “getting kicked in the butt,” and wished their own parents had done so years ago.