I decided early that I kind of liked the idea of Tiger Parenting. Or, I guess you can call it authoritative parenting. I grew up with little supervision and had to teach myself how to study and do well in school. I didn’t want that for my son, and I knew that as a single parent it would be difficult for him and for me. So, I sucked it up really kept on him about grades from grade 7-11, and now have backed off somewhat. He ran cross country and track and I introduced him to the violin. Now he plays in 3 orchestras and is a 4-year varsity letterman. School has always been first though. He will be graduating from our top-ranked and ultra competitive district with over 4.0 and a perfect ACT score. Do I feel responsible? I mean, he is the one who had to endure all of the studying and test-taking and me being on his butt constantly. But, without my prodding he may have slipped off the edge like lots of kids and become stuck in things that alot of divorced kids go through. I never let him do that. Hopefully some day he will thank me.
There were alot of tears, and when he got older and could talk back there were alot of fights. Do I regret it? No way. Some of the best advice I ever got from my parents was “You must be his father, not his friend.”
Short endorsement of those who oppose conflating helicoptering with active support. For one thing, kids in the same family are likely to have very different personalities (sociability, inner-motivation, self-control, etc.) and very different skills (abstract reasoning, athletics, math, art, etc.).
Our “goals” for our kids were above all for them to be physically and mentally healthy, sociable (“plays well with others”), and planful. But the kids had very different talents and very different personalities. So the job of raising them involved OUR adapting to these DIFFERENCES rather than molding the kids into the same form.
For us it was wonderful to give the kids opportunities to discover their interests and talents, and then for us to nurture those interests and talents. Sure they both went to the same schools (until college), and had the same parents and standard of living. But they went to very different colleges (a multiversity and an art school), in very different locations. The “tests” they had to pass to be admitted to those colleges were very different. As young adults they are now about as different as a kid interested in math can be from a kid interested in art. There is no way #1 could do in his career what #2 does in her career. But they are both very successful.
@Gourmetmom --“So, I’ve started to use the same techniques with my “fourth” child to try to whip him into shape.”
And the best part is that it is NOT too late if you have a willing student. Every kid needs a life plan–sometimes that’s the main thing lacking. Many kids have no road map to get to where they want to go so they flounder.
Authoritative parents provide the road map. They are the GPS. They don’t do the hiking–they provide the map.
Want to have a career in “X”? What does that involve? What are the steps?
You need education ? How do we get there? How do we fill in the gaps?
. Money? Short term goals or long term? Budget. Need a plan.
Need certain specific skills to achieve your goals? How do we get there?
Perhaps your “fourth” child–we used to say the “other” sibling unit–needs to realize that not everything is created in a day. You may be very wise in suggesting the military or another path etc. and they just don’t see it Just map it out a bit further on a timeline and the benefits that can be reaped from following certain paths. That might be experience, resume building, increasing a bank account, getting education benefits, etc. Life is a journey with twists and turns. You don’t get left behind, you just have different experiences.
Nope, one was opened by the coach, but my daughter sent in a full application too (you know, like the school expected) and they opened another file and gave her a new number. It was too much for them to figure out that Mary Smith (and our last name isn’t as common as Smith - not another in the school) was the same as Mary Jean Smith. It caused a lot of problems and I should have figured it out when she got 2 of almost every marketing flyer, one addressed to her full name and one to her ‘short’ name. There were all kinds of things screwed up like her meal plan choice, her merit award, her NAME. I spent a lot of time on the phone the summer before she started and they’d fix one thing and then something else would happen. All little things, just annoying
I played the helicopter parent all summer because my daughter was 17 and away for the summer. It was also MY money we were talking about as there were missing scholarships and grant money.
Authoritative parent to teacher: “my daughter Mary is getting C’s in your class, what does she need to do, and what do we, her parents, need to do to help her”?
Helicopter parent (better one) to teacher: “My daughter Mary is getting C’s in your class, please send me her grades, and send me you grading key so I can make sure that she’s doing everything. I also want to sit in your class to observe her”.
Worst type of Helicopter parent: “How dare you give my brilliant daughter Mary anything less than an A, you’re grading wrong, and your key is wrong, and her answers deserve full credit. Even if she wrote everything wrong, you are setting her up for failure by destroying her self-confidence. I’m going to the principle and demanding that you be fired”.
Tiger parent to teacher: “If my daughter Mary gets anything less than an A, please notify me, so I can take appropriate steps to make sure that this won’t happen again”
^I would prefer, “Mary, please schedule an appointment with your teacher to see what you need to do to make better grades.” By high school, it’s HER job to figure out what she should do, unless she has other issues.
@twoinanddone There was an alternative: coach your kid to handle it herself. I do not call anyone for my kid. But I am always available to talk her through how best to handle any situation if she needs guidance. For example, she is in her first apartment this semester and she screwed up the payment online. She called to ask me what to do and we talked it through. She then called the bank and management company and got it fixed and all fees waived. Next time she won’t need me at all for a similar situation. Young adults can handle pretty much any situation with a little guidance and it’s better that they handle it themselves.
I was having the kids do all the contact with the schools, and it wasn’t working. When my 16 year old asked if I could just do all the ‘money stuff’ I agreed. I didn’t think it was too much to ask and I actually didn’t mind. Not every 16 year old is capable of handling thousands of dollars. I didn’t follow up on some things for my other daughter and we lost money.
I still feel guilty that when my kids were in elementary school that I didn’t advocate for them more. It all worked out in the end but only because they “lucked” into alternative programming, though it had quite a detrimental affect on my younger son’s self-esteem that he has only recently in high school begun to overcome. I also joined the extracurricular rat race somewhat when they were younger exposing them to a whole host of different activities until they found ones that stuck and then it became a rat race of their own devising. It was the norm within our social group and I never thought twice about doing so. I also admit that though both my kids are very academically capable they have also in the past few years been involved with limited after school tutoring. For one son it was to make up for a lack of rigour at his middle school and their lack of support for his LD that left him I felt less than prepared for the rigours of high school. For the other I unashamedly admit it was to give him a better shot at selective post-secondary programs (and it has only been this year). When they were younger I supplemented their schooling with “after schooling” of my own devising but they were interested and academically curious. I never forced them. I was only supporting their interests (and the school was not). I have no illusions as to how fortunate that we have been to be able to do so nor with regards to being able to have a dedicated parent at home, but refuse to feel guilty about being able to provide my kids with the type of parenting that all children should have access to. I do feel sad however that not all children do. I have never “helicoptered” in the sense of doing my kids’ homework or interfered with their teachers (which I should have done more of when they were younger). We did however set a high bar of expectations for our kids, because we knew they were more than capable, and provided support for them to be able to achieve. As far as I’m concerned that’s what parents should do. I will freely admit that DS19 has had the added benefit of having a peer group that is predominantly high achieving girls from a cultural background that values academic achievement and puts a fair amount of pressure on them to do so. I haven’t had to push him with regards to academics and I haven’t had to “craft” his extracurricular path since elementary school in large part because of him internalizing the values of his peer group.
I did lament to some friends the other day that I haven’t felt like a true parent to DS19 for a number of years. He is quite self-sufficient and responsible. He hasn’t needed a true parent in quite a number of years. As a result our relationship has evolved into me being more of a coach or a mentor. I suppose that that’s ultimately what our relationship with our children should evolve to as they get older and from that perspective I guess I have been successful in my job of raising them to be self-sufficient contributing members of society, but on the other hand it’s been a bit sad letting go.
Decades ago, helicopter parenting seemed to be limited to parents pushing a child into a career as a physician. In every instance with which I am familiar, it worked.
“FWIW There is helicopter parenting in sports as well in academics.”
Sports could be worse than academics, because it’s been around longer and parents think that a bad call by the umpire or bad coaching is keeping their kid from the majors or NBA! Just attend a little league game or maybe a club soccer game as well. Parents abusing and hurling profanities at referees can be nasty, it makes helicopter parents abusing teachers a love fest.
I hate to be "that* person … but doesn’t it depend on the kid? I don’t see any way to pick the “right” choice for parenting in general. About all we can say is that the “neglectful” style is wrong. For example, friends of ours have two girls and they’re totally different, like night and day. One was studious and serious, the other was somewhat of a bully and mean/clique-ish. Same house, same parents. How could you use the same parenting style with both?
Similarly, other friends also have two girls a couple of years apart. I could see that the oldest was “edgy” but not inappropriate around us. I also noticed that she was always hoarse, something I attributed to allergies. It turns out that she was a complete monster at home. The hoarseness was from her yelling all the time there. It got so bad that the mom took all of the furniture out of her room and said she could get it back piece-by-piece if she behaved!
I told D18, when she was home for college break a few weeks ago, how fortunate we were to have her as our kid. I guess we were “permissive” parents (I didn’t read the article but that’s what she told us compared to her friends) because she never gave us a reason to be otherwise.
Similar situation here. I didn’t advocate more because I didn’t want to be seen as one of “those” parents who “think their child is so smart”. As a result my child doubted her math abilities for years.
I am not one of those people who look back on the '60’s and '70’s misty-eyed as the “good old days” when the parents did not get involved. I grew up then and saw many, many situations where it would have been good for the parents to step in. In HS a teacher who didn’t like me gave me a lower grade than I deserved and it kept me off of the high honor roll that year (he was aware of that). My parents were sympathetic to me, but parents didn’t complain back then. I wish mine had.
I have no illusions about the fact that the reason I’ve been able to be relatively hands off with my kids, at least once they were out of elementary school, is because of their temperaments. They’ve both been relatively easy kids to parent once they got a little older. As young children they were a bit difficult only because meeting their intellectual needs was quite demanding and they were both very emotionally sensitive which they expressed differently. With DS19 I rarely even had to raise my voice to him let alone employ any stronger discipline. Just knowing I was disappointed with him was enough to make him cry. DS21 was also very emotionally sensitive but whereas DS19 would internalize his feelings DS21 was much much more intense. He had difficulties handling his frustrations and had a tendency to hit. When he got upset he absolutely needed time outs to calm down but fortunately it would blow over fairly quickly. Until it did though you would have thought that the world was ending. He slowly outgrew that tendency as he got older and became better able to manage his emotions. Since they’ve become teenagers it’s actually become very easy to parent them and I’ve become much more hands off. They aren’t your stereotypical moody teens. Our household is quite peaceful unlike the stories I get from some of my friends and their teens. My in-laws would argue that I coddled them too much but their parenting style was very definitely authoritarian. I may be fairly permissive and give them lots of freedom but I trust their judgement. They are polite, respectful kids, and do very well in school, so I guess it’s been the right approach for them.
I have never exchanged emails or talked to one of my D19 HS teachers. There were a few times in middle school I scheduled a retake of a test(Totally within the normal rules of the school) by email. My D19 and D23 know the expectations they are under, which is do your best.
In the college app process I have been on my D19 to get things done. She is tired of writing merit essays, but almost done. I don’t read any of them unless she wants me to and that has been one college essay. I don’t know her portal passwords or anything.
My wife advocates for D23 because of her 504 plan for nut allergies, but that is life or death so we are going to be a little crazy. She got good with the school now.
We are stern parents, but we aren’t going to make our kids crazy. A friend once told me that a parent’s job is to get your kid into the state flagship school and anything beyond that is up to the kid. It is true.
After all of that we are probably known as strict parents, but really we aren’t. We just care and will intervene when needed.
Every kid is different. Heck, every parent and family is different. It’s not a one size fits all solution. Some kids need more supervision and guidance then others. I do think it is appropriate for parents to do their kid’s schoolwork for them…helping is ok, doing it is not.