@MaineLonghorn that would be ideal to have the kid talk to their teacher themselves, but sometimes the kid may never talk to the teacher making the problem even worse. I’ve seen instances where the teacher writes “Please see me” on their assignment and the kid never does anything. Then the teacher has to call the parents…
There is no one size fits all and some kids do need more guidance. And sometimes the parents need to intervene before the problem gets worse…
On some occasions having mom or dad intervene might be enough to motivate the kid to get back on track
Interesting article and discussion. DH and I were determined to have our two daughters attend public school, which they’ve done. But it definitely requires active involvement and advocacy. We have certainly hired tutors when needed, and tried to guide toward independence. The worst example of helicoptering parenting (IMHO) was when D15 called from her first day of college classes, informing us that some parents were WALKING THEIR COLLEGE KIDS TO CLASS AND SITTING IN ON CLASSES. I nearly fell out. She had long since been left to her own devices. I also recall as early as elementary school looking at the pictures or projects when it was so obvious when a parent had done a project. It was sadly comical. We should like this to the thread about what we all want our kids to know - those important life skills that are crucial to independence.
Natty - totally agree. All kids are different- just because some self advocate early doesn’t mean it’s that easy for others.
I would ask my child to speak to the teacher first and THEN intervene if it didn’t go well. But kids in high school need to learn to speak up for themselves.
We did that when our son was a HS sophomore. We asked him to speak to his geometry teacher after he began having difficulty in her class. That didn’t go well, so THEN we stepped in. But at least he tried first - that’s not asking too much.
I remember some of the projects my kids were assigned in early elementary school as being completely inappropriate to their level of ability without parental involvement. Then the school board implemented guidelines as to what was appropriate in terms of homework according to grade and projects in the early grades got eliminated. Somewhere along the line all projects my kids got assigned were to be completed in class. On the one hand that was great as I never felt pressured to help but on the other hand it meant that I had very little idea of what they were actually doing in class as they never brought home their projects once they were done.
My kid went to an audition in a city 200 miles away on his own. We took him to the train in the morning and picked him up late in the evening. He found his way to the school by subway, then met a friend for dinner before time to take the train home.
He told us that every other kid in the waiting room had one or more parents with them. They assumed he was local when they realized he was alone, then were very surprised to find out he was not. I asked if he felt lonely without us, he told us he felt proud and adult for navigating everywhere by himself.
Hoping that this will distinguish him from the pack when it comes to making the cut.
I know that I screwed up a lot of different little ways raising my kid. It’s gratifying reading that something about what I think is my parenting style is now judged to be the right way to do it. So hard to negotiate this phase of letting go gracefully.
@ninakatarina just because the other kids had parents with them, isn’t necessarily a bad thing…maybe that’s the kids only form of transportation. I would’ve driven my kids to something like this and I’m not a helicopter parent. My kids also would’ve driven themselves to these kinds of things too…but I guess it depends on the family.
Where are all these parents who sit in on job interviews, accompany kids to their college classes and come in to do their kids laundry in college? Does this actually happen and how much? I’ve seen some parents in high school argue with the teacher and constantly email about every little thing, but they are the exception not the rule. Am I the only one who thinks these stories are a little overblown? I’m not saying they don’t happen, but are they really that frequent?
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Hoping that this will distinguish him from the pack when it comes to making the cut.<<<<<<<<
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Huh?
Does hiring tutors for your kids - for academic classes or for standardized tests - constitute helicopter parenting?
I think the intended meaning was something like “hopefully he will be perceived as more independent/resourceful than the others for showing up without a parent in tow”.
LOL, It just sounds even pettier when you explain it to me.
Why? Many employers like maturity and independence.
@natty1988 My friend who is the head of a college department says there are always a couple of parents every semester. So, definitely not the norm but IMO, still startling enough. The mother on the interview only happened once to my dh so hopefully an anomaly.
sfSTEM - I don’t think those things constitute helicopter parenting in any way. I’ve never hired tutors for my kids so I’m not biased!
@afSTEM I don’t really think hiring a tutor is helicopter parenting…if a kid needs/wants a tutor, why wouldn’t you? Do kids hire their own tutors and pay for it, I’ve never heard of kids hiring one themselves…
@momofsenior1 A couple is startling, but I feel like the media makes this seem like a huge problem when it’s really not…
Why would a parent driving their kid to an audition/interview be helicopter parenting? Maybe the kid needs a ride? I’m not saying you should coddle your kids, but god forbid parents help out…
Are we talking about a high school kid or a college/older kid?
B-)
I guess I’m just mean and petty and a terrible person. I was trying to say that I hoped my kid’s independence would help him make a positive impression in a high-stakes interview, but I suppose it only shows that I’m a horrible person who hates people who can afford to travel with their children to distant places.
Thanks @Leigh22 and @natty1988. An area I wonder about is this. I’ve seen references to parents doing their kids homework. Is that literal? Like, they actually do their kids’ homework for them? One thing my wife and I do is help with the kids’ homework, including reviewing their answers. If they’re wrong, we point it out and let them know how to solve/answer the question. They still have to do it. I’d say my wife and I are our kids’ tutors. Do some parents advocate learn-in-school only, let the grades fall where they may? I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that.