<p>D2 announced recently that she now wants to apply ED to a school she previously refused to consider. BF of 18 mos attends nearby college and I am certain that her sudden change of heart stems from her desire to stay close to him. </p>
<p>The BF is a great guy, the college in question is a USN&WR top-20 LAC and would be a great school for D2. Is my concern that - - if they break up, she will feel as if she "settled" - - misplaced? Should I, as one friend advised, count my blessings that, for whatever reason, she's choosing a fantastic college and by the time they break up she'll have fallen in love w/ the school?</p>
<p>And if she feels she has "settled" well that is one of lifes lessons....worse case....they break up and she is still in a great school...and remember, they aren't in the same school...the having to split loyalties, try and work out schedule could get old, but if not, great</p>
<p>so long as the school is pretty darn close to what she wants, should be fine</p>
<p>If it were my daughter, I would talk through the scenarios with her.</p>
<p>Suppose you break up in the Spring after having committed to the top 20 LAC. Is the school a problem for you then? Is it a problem ending up so close to ex-BF? What if you break up during your freshman year? Is the school a problem for you then?</p>
<p>That type of thing. I know that a likely response is going to be, "but we won't break up." or a breezy "No, it won't be a problem." I would try very hard to get past that, so that I am satisfied that she has taken a serious look at the possible downside. The fact that she is now applying ED to a place that she previously refused to even consider does give me pause. I know, it can happen, kids change--but I'd want to talk it through with her anyway.</p>
<p>It is possible for things to get very awkward.</p>
<p>I'd try to frame the question as "What is the worst that could happen?" and try to insist on consideration of a realistic "worst case" scenario.</p>
<p>I'd want her to have thought seriously about that irrevocable ED decision.</p>
<p>I would also slow things down, you don't have to apply weeks before the deadline, if you are in fact weeks before the deadline.</p>
<p>I might not be successful, but these would be my targets. </p>
<p>Ultimately, it would still be her decision under the circumstances you've described.</p>
<p>D is a master of denial - - up until a couple of weeks ago, she couldn't even admit that proximity to BF was a factor at all. Then, D who previously wanted to go to sch in CA, started making noises about not wanting to go too far from "home." And now, ED to sch 20 min from BF.</p>
<p>Sadly, at least at this point, D is incapable of discussing any break-up scenario. </p>
<p>The deadline is a month off - - but she can't just slap together an credible app and I fear that in a couple of weeks, when she begins the app process in earnest, she'll get completely invested in ED.</p>
<p>Why does she feel like she has to apply ED? Even under normal circumstances, a lot can change between ED and May 1. I'd put the nix on ED and encourage her to apply RD, with a sound list of schools.</p>
<p>Are you considering not allowing an ED app? (I had kind of spaced-out on the ED aspect of things when I originally responded). Most schools require the parent signature. I think you could consider saying to her that she just doesn't fit the ED profile of one school being a clear-cut fit for her above all others. I know she won't like hearing it, but an ED app to a school which previously wasn't even on the list is off base.</p>
<p>Once you've mentioned to her ADad's scenarios and what-if's, I think you can leave it alone. She'll have heard you on some level, even if she won't acknowledge it. Even if she won't discuss a break-up scenario, every teen has seen and/or suffered break-ups and knows that it can happen.</p>
<p>I also wouldn't try to discourage her from the school; not at all. Just require that she not do anything binding. Apply to her current fave near the BF and several others. Decisions can and should be made in April.</p>
<p>It sounds very tough. Can you take her to Starbucks or whatever place suits your family and just have a long conversation? Where you try to release whatever views you have about the situation and aim to ask gentle, nonjudgmental questions that hopefully will clarify the issues at hand?</p>
<p>I'd probably try to disarm her by saying that it is OK if BF is influencing the choice, and it's OK if BF is not influencing the choice--it's not automatically wrong to let BF influence your choice; we understand that. We just think it is always important to consider the downside as well. I'd also try to find out if she can identify things about the colllege that she likes--other than proximity to BF :).</p>
<p>Thinking about my son two years ago, it would be hard--but still I'd try. </p>
<p>And IMO think that you are planting a seed. It's probably doubtful that she'll have a sudden epihphany about what concerns you. That'll be the day, right?! :) But if she hears your nonjudgmental questions, she won't feel she has to defend herself and she might start to think. She might change in a few weeks, she might at least give it some careful thought.</p>
<p>I don't see a problem. It's a good school that's suitable for your daughter, and since BF is at a nearby college, rather than the same college, they wouldn't be tripping over each other all the time (which is a very good thing if BF turns out to be ex-BF by the time she gets there).</p>
<p>ED may make sense if there is a substantial advantage to applying to this particular school ED. Sometimes there isn't. Your daughter may also want to put some other schools that are fairly near BF's school on her RD list.</p>
<p>Sure, if your daughter and BF break up, she may feel that she "settled" for a school that would not otherwise have been her first choice. But on the other hand, if she maintained her previous plan to go to college in a distant part of the country and her relationship with BF continued, she might be unhappy with that outcome, too. There are no perfect choices.</p>
<p>My now-husband, who was two years ahead of me in college, chose to do his graduate work at the same university where I was an undergraduate, largely so that we could be together. It worked out fine. It would also have worked out fine if we had broken up because it was a suitable school for him anyway. Your daughter's situation seems similar.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Are you considering not allowing an ED app? (I had kind of spaced-out on the ED aspect of things when I originally responded). Most schools require the parent signature.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I wouldn't count on this. My daughter has applied ED to a Common App school. I signed nothing.</p>
<p>I have a similar problem; my D wants to go to the same university that his BF goes (he is a sophomore). She just dumped the BF of three years after sending her ED application, but she said she still wants that college. The problem would be for the poor kid that is deeply in love with her.</p>
<p>I agree with Marian. It can go right or wrong either way. If you had previously agreed that ED was do-able, I think that putting your foot down about it now is going to create an awful lot of friction and resentment. It might encourage her to make reactionary decisions in opposition to what you want.</p>
<p>I also agree that we signed nothing when S applied ED. OTOH, I think that this most probably is not the salient point here; if things had gotten to a point when she'd want to apply without telling you, there'd be worse problems overall, but nothing in youi original post indicates any of that.</p>
<p>I transfered schools to go to the school my eventual H was at. If we'd broken up, it would've been okay, because it was a better school than the one I was at. </p>
<p>I totally agree with talking it out with her and gently leading her through what-ifs, but I think, if it's an otherwise suitable school, that ultimatums will be a mistake.</p>
<p>I think that discussing possible scenarios is great advice - at least you will have a chance to voice your concerns.</p>
<p>If the proposed school is a good fit for your D and it is not the same school as her BF I would try not to worry about it too much. The college fits her stylistically/academically and I have read wackier reasons for picking a school than proximity to a boyfriend. If they break up they will be on different campuses and she will not have to see him regularly. </p>
<p>I had an experience similar to what it seems your daughter is hoping for and I can say after the fact that one negative of having a boyfriend at a nearby school was that I did not invest in my college as much as I could have - on the weekends I was often on the road visiting him. I had friends at my school and was involved in ECs but it wasn't the same as being there 24/7. That being said, my school was filled with very nice people and I am sure if we had broken up that I would have been able to fill in the gap socially.</p>
<p>Elleneast
( who amazingly ended up staying with the high school honey :) )</p>
<p>People do perfectly good things for "illegitimate" personal reasons all the time. There is a huge difference between going to a school that is a poor fit because the BF is there and going to a school that is a good fit because it's not too far away from the BF. And maybe no difference at all between doing that and going to California.</p>
<p>(I went to grad school in California because I thought a girl didn't like me enough, and I wanted to put a continent between us. I should have checked with her first, but luckily she followed me there. Then she went to grad school in Philadelphia because it was near (i.e., 120 miles) where I was working. And we've lived there happily ever since.)</p>
<p>I just LOVE how our kids want to be treated like adults in relationships, yet, we have to walk around on eggshells in case what we say backfires, and they do something against their better judgement to spite us...think about it</p>
<p>Don't say too much and tolerate creepy boyfriends, because if you dare say anything, girl will need to defend her choice even if deep down she probably knows we are right</p>
<p>Uh huh, pretty pathetic in its own way, natural i suppose, but seeing someone to prove a point and out of spite...blech</p>
<p>This is really no different that the advice given to all recruited athletes- "What if you tear up your knee, etc., meaning that you can no longer play your sport? Would you still like the school absent the sport?</p>
<p>I have, on a number of occasions, mentioned my concerns re: making proximity to BF central to her college selection - - probab not totally non-judgmt, but close to it (he is a fine boy: studious, attentive, protective, generous and, above all kind). I just think they are too young to be making such sacrifices for each other (b/c of his focus on he, he's not really grounded at his sch; she already spends free wknds at his sch; if she attends sch nearby, he won't go abroad jr year, etc.)</p>
<p>As for ED, sch is a bit of a "reach" (no real "likelies" w/ top LACs), so there's a definite bene to applying ED instead of RD. And, I can't protest too much since I was the first to suggest this sch - - before the BF was at neighbor college.</p>
<p>I will speak to her again, but if she remains adamant, I'll let here apply ED and hope for the best - - whatever that is.</p>