<p>With my S at college, Im concentrating in my D and her decisions about college. She was always very mature and has a wonderful curriculum (highest GPA, good SAT scores, many extracurricular, awards, and leadership positions); anyone could say that she is heading to success except that yesterday she was a different girl, something had happened in her private life and she is not longer willing to go to the college of her dreams. Saying that she should choose a college without having in mind who is in there or who isnt, its very easy to say, and I almost said it. Any advice to made her decision easier?</p>
<p>Does her dream school take the common app? If so, it will be very easy for her to apply anyway. Decisions will come in a few months...that will be a long enough time for her to get over the greater part of this personal issue.</p>
<p>Cressmom, unfortunately this happens a lot. Happened to me at her age. Foolish of me, but wild horses would not have been able to drag me there. Not of great consequence, since I went to an equivalent school. Fortunately there are so many schools out there and she still has the time to apply to them. Come April this may be history, as Mallomar says, and she may end up at that first choice school afterall.</p>
<p>Was she planning to apply Early Decision?</p>
<p>If so, she's going to have to confront this situation very quickly.</p>
<p>If the problem is that she just broke up with guy X and therefore doesn't want to apply to the college where he is already a student, I don't think it's a big deal (unless she has already submitted an Early Decision application to that college). It's just a matter of eliminating one college from her list. There must be other colleges out there that are reasonably equivalent.</p>
<p>But if guy X is a high school classmate with academic interests and credentials similar to her own, and she now doesn't want to apply to any college that he is applying to, it's much more limiting.</p>
<p>The size of the college is also a factor. My son and his ex-girlfriend from high school are both at the same college. But it's a huge flagship state university with 30,000 students. It's no more of a problem than if the two of them were living in the same city. At a small liberal arts college, though, things might be more awkward.</p>
<p>Or is it that she now wants to go to a college, which previously never interested her, because a particular person <em>will</em> be there? If so, does this college fit her academic, geographic and other interests and abilities?</p>
<p>I only applied to one school because my boyfriend went there. We broke up after one semester but I was still happy with my school choice.</p>
<p>My S and his longtime h.s. girlfriend planned to go to the same school. They broke up mid-senior year in h.s. but both went ahead with their plan to attend the same school and it has been fine. School is a large state u. I would imagine it might be a little harder to handle at a really small school</p>
<p>I've seen the other circumstance happen though where the GF wants to go to the same school as the BF yet they're far apart in college qualifications so the GF ends up going to a much lesser school. This is a tough situation and I'd do what I could to discourage it. Chances are that they'll break up once in college anyway (but there's probably no convincing her of that now).</p>
<p>As others have said, going to a school with a large number of UG students is not at all like going to HS. It's entirely possible that she'd rarely even see the BF unless they went out of their way to do so - especially if they're in different majors.</p>
<p>In my selfishness, I'd wish she were still going to the school of her dreams because my S is going there and I feel that she will have someone to look after her whenever she needs it. She was going to apply early, and now... The boy loves her very much (he is sophomore there), and he is unaware of all this. They spent the last two years and a half together; they were always best friends. They’ve been having fights lately because she has been pushing him to study more, and there are a few issues with his parents.
Should I say that she has to do what she was doing to do? Of course she has another choices, but she was in love with this school the first time she visited, and she doesn’t like any other schools, not even the Ivies, and I’m afraid that if she goes anywhere else, she would be transferring the following semester.</p>
<p>okay, don't avoid a school because someone is there and don't go to a school just because someone is there</p>
<p>so long as the applicant goes about the process with the usual match, safety, reach schools and puts in the passion and effort into each application, when the time comes, IF the "reason" for likely one school (love/hate interest) is still there, will hopefully the school will be a good fit, and time, well ALOT changes in the time between now and decision making time</p>
<p>I would not discourage applying to the school becuase of a person, but I would really encourage keeping options open</p>
<p>
[quote]
she was in love with this school the first time she visited, and she doesnt like any other schools
[/quote]
Well, this in itself is not a good situation. I can't think of any individual student who can ONLY be happy at one school. It does not make any sense. </p>
<p>So, is it her dream school or is it mom's dream school? If it was her dream school, it appears her dreams have changed. Perhaps for a reason none of us older and wiser parents would endorse.</p>
<p>But I think the approach here is to eliminate the concept of Dream School entirely. She should apply to a range of schools which fit her needs and wants. Then, she will have choices come April, whether or not her social life has changed between now and then.</p>
<p>If she was originally planning to apply ED, I don't think you should say she "has to do what she was going to do." It is not a good idea for a kid to head off to a college she has been forced to choose. If she was not planning ED, I believe you can certainly insist that she apply to several schools. Chances are, this problem will have disappeared by the time her real choice moment comes. After all, this is something that happend yesterday. Heck, it could change by tomorrow.</p>
<p>Gosh, Marian addressed some issues I did not even think about since I was so focused on how my old situation was similar.
Since she has not yet applied early, she should not. But urge her just to keep the school on her list. Several months can be an eternity for young relationships and the situation may be resolved by spring. Also, it is good that she opens up her mind and list to other schools. It is not a one and only situation when it comes to colleges, and it narrowminded to think it is. It's time to take a look at some other schools and come up with a list like everyone else in her situation.</p>
<p>Cressmom, are you saying that her Dream School is the one where her brother goes, as well as her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years? And that now the relationship with her boyfriend is on the rocks so she doesn't want to go there?</p>
<p>Maybe this is a good thing. While it would be comforting for any parent to know someone they trusted was looking out for their kiddo (male or female), it is not always possible to grow into an independent, confident woman if you know the men in your life are always going to be there to take care of you. Real life frequently isn't that way, even if you meet and marry the man of your dreams. It is possible that breaking away from her brother and boyfriend for her college years will allow her a better chance to discover who she is and where she wants to go with her life. She is so young and if she has had the same boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, she really hasn't had much chance to explore or depend on her own instincts. Also, it is possible that the choice of this as a "dream school" was greatly influenced by her brother's and boyfriend's experience there, even if it she or you aren't aware of that. </p>
<p>It seems the only real problem, AT THIS TIME, is that she won't be applying ED to any school and she will have to extend her search through the first semester of sr year which can make things very stressful. Is it likely she won't get in to this school if she doesn't get in ED? Seems like she could leave this school on the list and apply RD, look for a couple of similar schools and maybe a couple that were different but that could fit her if she hadn't fallen in love with this school, and come April, have 3-6 schools to choose from depending on her acceptances. </p>
<p>Might be time in the next couple of weeks to take a little trip to visit a few more colleges to see if there are options out there that may be comfortable for both of you. She may surprise you now that she is more open to options.</p>
<p>I would encourage her to apply - regular decision - and focus on finding other schools that are similar to her dream school. You can tell her that she is in charge of the final decision - but you don't want her to shut out that opportunity now. By the time May rolls around, she may have severed her relationship with the boy and they may even be friends. In the life of a senior in h.s., the time between September and April is an eternity.</p>
<p>My D visited many schools since she was freshman (we took her along with my S), but when she visited this one, she said that it was the one for her. I didn’t like the idea because I didn’t want her to go to the same school that her boyfriend goes, but since my S enrolled there with a very nice merit scholarship and he absolutely loves it, I accepted her decision. She still says that it’s the only school that she felt at home, but she is afraid if she breaks the relationship, she would be uncomfortable being in the same school with the boy.
I understand her concerns, but I would like less passion and more focus. And I also would like, that she could go anywhere without thinking who is in there, but how I explain this to her?
That’s the problem when young girls date older boys.</p>
<p>Maybe you don't have to explain it to her now, Cressmom. Because the problem may solve itself. And, too often, our kids don't listen to our life lessons, anyway. :o</p>
<p>Does she have a list of schools where she plans to apply? How many? Do you feel the list covers the bases of reach/match/safety in terms of selectivity? Does it seem to fit her criteria for school size/atmosphere etc.?</p>
<p>That is where I would focus right now. Take the conversation away from "who" is at the college and focus it on "what" she wants in a college. That, in itself, will deliver the message on how one should choose - without putting her attention on the relationship she does or doesn't have with one student at the school.</p>
<p>Given your explanation, I'd put some pressure on to apply to the school she was originally interested in and not worry about the BF situation. I know this is easier said than done but the fact that the ex BF will be going to that same college is a poor reason for her dream to vaporize. She needs to learn how to get over a BF and the BF has to learn how to get over her. Ask her what she'd do if she was already at the school, got a new BF, but after a year broke up. Would she then want to leave the school to not feel uncomfortable around him? Obviously, the answer s/b no. So why should it be any different in this situation. You need to explain to her that being able to handle breakups in a mature way is part of growing up and she may as well start now. Besides, if the school is a medium to large one, she'll probably rarely see the guy anyway.</p>
<p>Another tip for her - the best way to get over a BF is to go out with some other boys and get involved in other activities she might have been stifled in with him. She should do this anyway since she's so young and got involved with this particular guy at too young an age for how serious it sounds. A note on my perspective though - I wouldn't even let my D go to dances with guys that were 2 grades ahead of her since I didn't even want to chance what it mught turn into. There are way too many problems with young girl/older guy relationships at that age.</p>
<p>Thank you all! I will let her a few days, and if she doesn't change her mind, we'll need to have a long talk because she needs her college's applications done (and more than one).<br>
I agree with you ucsd-ucla-dad; I didn't like the idea of BF much older than her, but after two years, he is like my adopted son. I'm lucky that my S is more into study than girls (well, he has friends,but nothing seriuos); it's much easier for me.</p>
<p>Cressmom,<br>
I have been reading this thread and just read your last post. Your note about "he is like my adopted son" may be part of the problem. I'm not saying it was/is intentional on your part but as a high school and college student I dated an older boy who was also my brothers age. He became very close to my family and when I realized that I needed to break up with him the family thing made it more complicated.<br>
So...I would keep my distance from the BF, and I would probably encourage DD to not let present, past or future BF's influence her choices in life, including what college she applies to.</p>
<p>I have a very different take. Cressmom, I think your daughter may be making a very wise decision.... and the last thing in the world you should do is try to change it.</p>
<p>From what you say, I don't think she's given much serious thought to college before now. She picked a "dream" college her freshman year, and hasn't considered anywhere else -- so for the past 2 years or so she has been comfortable with the idea that her life was all planned, and that she would go to the same college with her brother an. d boyfriend.</p>
<p>And now that suddenly the time for applying is drawing near... I think she is realizing what a terrible mistake she may be about to make. She is realizing that has never seriously looked at other colleges, and that she is potentially trapping herself in a relationship that is already kind of strained -- and that maybe she doesn't want to go to a place where both her brother and boyfriend are watching over her. Maybe she wants to have her own life.</p>
<p>Please, please do not pressure her. If she is merely having a case of cold feet, it is healthy for her to be thinking things over carefully, and she needs space without parental pressure. And if she is realizing that sticking to the old plan may be a disastrous decision for her.... then every reason you have put forth for encouraging her to stick with the plan is exactly the wrong reason to attend that college.</p>
<p>Your daughter needs to keep her options open right now. Unless she announces to you on her own that she wants to apply to dream college after all, I think you would be doing her a tremendous disservice to lock her into that path. She sees problems ahead -- I think a much better choice is for her to regroup, start to think about what she wants NOW (and not what she wanted at age 14), and apply to several colleges.</p>