The fault in our starts essay

<p>Please can you readers grade my essay on a scale of 1-6. All critiques are most welcome. Please do, if it is not much trouble, point out the grammatical errors. I in advance abundantly thank all those who sacrifice those precious minutes of theirs to read his rather long essay.</p>

<p>Prompt
In his poem ―In Memoriam, romantic poet Alfred, Lord Tennyson expresses his view that loss is an unavoidable consequence of love. Yet, rather than shunning love because of this, Tennyson resolves to accept both the experience of love and the pain that inevitably comes with it. As he writes in his often quoted passage, ―Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.</p>

<p>Assignment
Are people unwise to pursue love even when they know it will cause them pain?
Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>Essay
Love in a man’s life is indispensable. To exclaim this in the words of Max Muller: just how a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, a man cannot live without love. However distressing and miserable love’s ramifications and imminent conclusion may be, to have loved, suffered and endured is to have lived life to its truest and fullest sense. A life without love is like a flower without petals, a perfume without fragrance, a rainbow without colors. So when Sir Alfred Lord Tennyson seamlessly writes -- Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, he is correct. This assertion has best been validated in popular literature, ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ being an epitomic example. </p>

<p>Writer John Green’s global phenomenon ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ follows the poignant story of a young teenage girl named Hazel Grace who has been diagnosed with terminal Stage IV thyroid cancer which has metastasized to hers lungs. She lives a near-hopeless life idling away her hours waiting for Death to escort her to his domain. But her forlorn life is about to change when one day, while reluctantly attending a support group to appease her much-loved parents, she meets Augustus Walters, a charming and confident teenage boy who is in remission from a rare form of osteosarcoma, a bone cancer, after a leg amputation. There is an instantaneous spark between them and they implicitly fall in love with each other. Augustus arranges for a Dutch themed picnic where he announces his plans to take Hazel to Amsterdam where she could meet her dearly esteemed author of The Imperial Affliction, a book which recounts the story of a teenager girl battling cancer, a story most relatable to and cherished by Hazel. She is thrilled about going to Amsterdam but when Augustus touches her face to kiss her she, for some reason, feels reluctant. She then realizes that her hesitancy was because she loves him so much that she is afraid she will hurt him when she dies. She compares herself to a grenade. But it is at his time hazel suffers from a fatal episode where her lungs get filled with fluid and she is rushed to the hospital. Augustus is deeply concerned for hazel and though he is acutely agonized to see Hazel in such a hapless state, he stays by her side at the ICU. Hazel in an attempt to not distress Augustus intrepidly endures the episode. After an affecting recovery Hazel somehow manages to get her disinclined parents and doctors to acquiesce in her visit to Amsterdam. On their assent Augustus and Hazel embark on a romantic and carefree journey to visit Hazel’s all-time-favorite writer at Amsterdam where they, for the first time, make love. But their bliss and happiness is only momentary when, after the trip, Augustus announces that while Hazel was in the ICU he, having experienced some bodily pains, had gotten a body scan which revealed that his cancer had returned and only this time it was not restricted to a limb but had spread everywhere making him terminal. He also tells her that he had suspended this information on ice because he wanted her to fully enjoy their first and, regrettably, the last trip together. Augustus becomes vulnerable, insecure and scared but in Hazel’s eyes he is still the gorgeous Augustus she had first met in the support group. As his condition quickly deteriorates Hazel realizes that she loves him more than ever before. She tells Augustus how much she loves him, and that she would not barter their short time together for anything in the world. Augustus dies shortly after. The novel concludes with Hazel reading a tribute Augustus had written for her. He says that getting hurt in this world is inevitable, but we do get to choose who we allow to hurt us, and that he is happy with his choice. He hopes she likes her choice too. The final words of the novel come from Hazel, who says she does. </p>

<p>Therefore, ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ tells us how love thoroughly revolutionized the bleak life of Hazel Grace and also gives us a vista into the “un-purposelessness” of love. I would like to conclude by quoting Leo Buscalgia, “Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life.”</p>

<p>Again, thanks a lot for your help guys. GBY guys.</p>

<p>From a (admittedly brief reading) it seems like this doesn’t answer the prompt so much as it does summarize the novel that is only vaguely connected to the prompt. I think you should have done more with talking about your point of view, and maybe using TFiOS as support, amongst others. </p>

<p>Too much summary, and probably best to use two examples. Also you could probably improve your diction-- a lot of your words seem handpicked from a thesaurus and don’t always make sense. Overall good idea though, it’s definitely a good example-- just make sure to “show not tell” as much!</p>

<p>Never a good idea to post an essay on a public board. There are many willing and capable readers on CC who, if asked, are usually happy to read essays. </p>

<p>@irlandaise Thanks for at least briefly reading it. I do admit that the summary was in fact redundantly long. I think from now on its better to stick to 2 “short and sweet” examples than 1 rather long and boring one.
@rebeccar Thanks a lot for your time. Yup, i totally agree the summary was very long. To be honest i never used a thesaurus but if you think i have used a lot of unnecessary words i’ll definitely make it a point to cut down on them in my next essay.
@JoBenny I’m new to college confidential and i’m still figuring things out here. But sure, i’ll start posting my essays on a more specific board.</p>

<p>I’ll be posting this on a more specific board and i really hope you guys don’t mind it.</p>

<p>@shankar95 - It doesn’t matter if you post it in a more specific forum if the board is public. Anyone can view these forums, so having your essay up for everyone to see could result in plagarism/etc. There’s a forum out there of volunteers who you can message your essay to for grading, I just wouldn’t post for anyone to access.</p>

<p>You had the right idea by using TFiOS as an example. Being a piece of modern literature and now a hit movie, the story is relevant. Your only problem is the fact that you summarized the story. Some background is okay, like explaining how Gus’s and Hazel’s love would hurt in the end (she has terminal cancer/his cancer came back/Gus’s soliloquy including “oblivion is inevitable”) but this essay isn’t supposed to be the story. It’s supposed to interpret the story. </p>

<p>Remember, the SAT essay graders want to see persuasion. The question isn’t what, it’s why. You’re answering the prompt by using the examples. Every time you write an SAT essay, ask yourself why. Why is this true? How does this wrap back into what I’m trying to say? Answering those questions should help you get a good score on the essay. </p>

<p>This is a book report rather than an essay. We didn’t get much in the way of analysis or your point of view, rather just plot summary. Find a complementary example to use for a second paragraph. And cut down the detailed plot summary.</p>

<p>@TheDidactic and @VSGPeanut101 Guys thanks a lot for reading the essay and commenting. If again i am to write a summary i will make sure to keep it brief and to the point. Next time onward i will make it a point to include more critical analysis and my own interpretations rather than just narrating the example stories. Again thanks a lot for your precious time.</p>