The nature of friendships in college

College Life
1

<p>Hi,</p>

<p>I was googling my situation in order to see if anyone else felt the same way, and came across this website. You guys seem like a pretty informed bunch, and I was hoping to hear about your experiences/ get some advice. My apologies if a similar thread exists, I couldn't find one when I tried searching.</p>

<p>So, a little background on me: I'm a sophomore student at St. Louis U. I'm a biology major, so organic chemistry coupled with molecular biology seems to keep me pretty busy, but I do take the time to ask out friends to lunch and go out to parties on weekends when I'm free. Freshman year was alright, I hung out with girls on my floor and people from some of my classes, but focused on schoolwork for most of the time. </p>

<p>It's just that I've come to the realization that I'm not having the wonderful college experience everyone is talking about. It's definitely not from lack of trying or thinking that I'm above the people at my university. While I have plenty of people to hang out with, I'm not having any sort of intellectual awakening or making any memories to last me a lifetime. I do have one wonderful, brilliant friend that I never tire of, but that's about it.</p>

<p>I had these feelings last year, but decided that it was because I hadn't tried enough (which was true). This year, I really branched out, joined three more clubs (I was a member of two last year), and generally started striking up conversation with people that I didn't know freshman year. I've been to several discussions, university sponsored debates and seminars, and while I'm meeting people, it's the same as freshman year. The people I meet are very nice and accomplished, but it doesn't click the way it did in highschool, or with my one friend. </p>

<p>So, my question is, is my view of university too idyllic? Should I just settle for having several nice friends instead of constantly seeking out new, exciting ones? I ask because I had a wonderful highschool experience, and a lot of my close friends from highschool talk about having discussions with foreign students about Socrates on the quad, or planning a spontaneous, fun hike at the middle of the night. I really pictured college being this exciting, horizon broadening place, and while I've grown from my experience, I don't love it like the way I did highschool. </p>

<p>Any anecdotes about your college friendships/ college experiences of other people, would be appreciated!</p>

2

<p>Honestly I’d rather have a few great friends for life than be constantly meeting new people. Why not work on strengthening the friendships you already have? You could have a “spontaneous, fun hike at the middle of the night” with them, no?</p>

3

<p>I think you might be looking for a bit too much from your college friends…It’s nice to just have a group to hang out with for fun after all the work - talking to people about random subjects still generates different perspectives even if its not quite socrates…</p>

<p>Like, my friends and I often talk about differences between the north and south, movies, and different religious backgrounds…it just happens naturally. We don’t plan these conversations :p.</p>

4

<p>High school friendships are so different- you’re living at home, someone else is overseeing your week-to-week needs. Also, in hs, you can always retreat home after a few hours with friends. This natural break- or breathing room- has a positive effect. </p>

<p>Find things that do make you happy and build upon those- searching too hard just makes the problem seem bigger.</p>

5

<p>Gretchen Rubin wrote this great column for Slate called “The Happiness Project” (it’s now a book) and she talks about realizing that what makes other people happy doesn’t necessarily make her happy (her example was drinking). I think a lot of people talk about “college is the greatest time of your life” and “I made all my really great friends in college” and if that isn’t your experience, you start to wonder if there’s something you’re missing or you ask yourself why you aren’t like everyone else.</p>

<p>And in our society, there’s a real pressure to exhibiting an extroverted personality, whether you have one or not. “Hi – how are you?!” with a big smile is supposed to be the standard greeting, whether you know or like the person. Whereas some people are more quiet, reserved, and introverted, and slow to warm to friendship. I agree with other posters – I’d rather have one or two real friends than a lot of casual acquaintances. Forget Facebook – no one can have 700 “friends”. It takes time and energy to nourish a friendship – maybe you’re acting out of self preservation with all the other demands on your time.</p>

<p>I made a few really good friends in college, stayed in touch with some of them, lost touch with others, then in my '20s, made friends with people who had gone to my school (even though we had never crossed paths during our 4 years there). But we had a reference point, and it was easier to get started on a friendship because we had shared experiences.</p>

<p>Hope this helped.</p>

6

<p>The people you meet at college can become your friends but rarely will you make your BEST friend in your first 2 years. Give it another semester or year in order to find that “one” person and you’ll be good to go. You seem to be doing everything correctly so don’t worry and friends will come.</p>

7

<p>Focus on the friendships that matter to you most while remaining open to meeting new people. That’s what seems to be working best for me.</p>

<p>Now that I think about it, I could describe my friendships in terms of tiers. At the top I have my best friend/roommate. The next level would be a small core group of friends who I spend most of my time with, eating meals together, etc. Next level down are other core groups of friends that I am acquainted with. I’m not actually a member per say, but I spend time hanging out with them. Finally, there are acquaintances from class, etc. </p>

<p>It sounds like you’ve got the first tier covered. The best advice I can give for finding that core group is just to keep looking and making the effort. You’re a sophomore so it will be harder, but if you make the effort I’m sure you can find yourself in a solid group of people.</p>