<p>"It was nearly nine oclock and I was sitting in an observation room overlooking a trauma victim. He was struggling for his life, as blood and other bodily fluids entered his vital organs. My palms started to sweat, my head became weightless, and an uncontrollable twitching ensued. I watched as this man, this stranger, lost the battle with death, and slowly, with unique elegance, he ceased to be."</p>
<p>I feel like this could be better worded...
What do you guys think?</p>
<p>Woah… intense. It sure gripped me! Only thing is, I would change it to present tense (just what I think grips even more). What is this leading into? Is this intro relevant to you and your story?</p>
<p>Yeah that’s what I was thinking, after all, that’s exactly what my Writing teacher said to do!</p>
<p>This was the first thing that happend that day(I was shadowing my aunt), and it leads into how I felt after this, plus the other people I met that day.</p>
<p>And yes, I’m writing about how this experience motivates me to pursue a career in medicine</p>
<p>Well then, bravo. I like it! It gives me goosebumps. 
Good job IMO!</p>
<p>If you want to, I can send you the tentative draft. I’d love some input from other people!</p>
<p>No worries if you don’t want to!</p>
<p>well, imo, it is a but overdramatic.
but it shows command of language.</p>
<p>Was he twitching uncontrollably, or were you?</p>
<p>Thanks, I’ll see if I can tone it down a bit.</p>
<p>I was, or, rather, my hands were.</p>
<p>@wahkimoocow. I agree that it’s very dramatic, but isn’t having someone die in your arms a pretty dramatic event? JMO</p>
<p>It is gripping. Here are a few hints: </p>
<p>Your first words are important. “It was nearly nine o’clock” doesn’t appear to be crucial to the story. Can you think of a way to start with, “The trauma victim…” or whatever you’d like to emphasize?</p>
<p>Clarify who is twitching, please. I know that means that you’ll probably have to cut out the great word “ensued;” save that word to use somewhere else.</p>
<p>Interesting writing!</p>
<p>…overlookng a trauma victim.<br>
Yes, overlooking can mean: To look over or at from a higher place.
But, it also can mean: To fail to notice or consider; miss. Or: To ignore deliberately or indulgently; disregard
Adcoms will immediately notice. And, wonder.</p>
<p>…as blood and other bodily fluids entered his vital organs.
Isn’t blood supposed to circulate through our hearts, lungs et al?
Adcoms will wonder.</p>
<p>…mypalms started to sweat, my head became weightless, and an uncontrollable twitching
You have inadvertenly made yourself exactly the worng person I’d want watching over a dying man.</p>
<p>Cleaned up, would make intriguing fiction. Indeed gripping. Fiction.</p>
<p>I know exactly what you mean. What word/phrase do you recommend I use instead?</p>
<p>I think I’ll change it to “left his body”.</p>
<p>And I didn’t know there was a standard I had to meet in order to be the “right” person watching someone die. Enlighten me? After all, this is a personal essay, I’m supposed to focus on myself, not only on the story. That’s why I included that description of myself.</p>
<p>Revised:
“It is nearly nine o’clock and I am sitting in an observation room overlooking a trauma victim. He is struggling for his life, as blood and other bodily fluids leave his vital organs and flood his innards. My palms start to sweat, my head becomes weightless, and my hands tremble uncontrollably. I watch as this man, this stranger, loses the battle with death, and slowly, with unique elegance, he ceases to be.”</p>
<p>I’m still trying to figure out how to change the first sentence(the word choice/wording).</p>
<p>I’m 90% sure the he in the last sentence is redundant as you introduced the subject earlier in the sentence. You can always use a semi colon. “I watch as this man, this stranger, loses the battle with death; slowly, with unique elegance, he ceases to be.”</p>
<p>I’m not a fan of the last sentence. It’s being a bit overdramatic. Besides that, its a good start.</p>
<p>“I’m writing about how this experience motivates me to pursue a career in medicine”
-You have not written the opening in a way that suggests this, even remotely. Writing a personal statement about “you” still needs appropriate wording and imagery.</p>
<p>“And I didn’t know there was a standard I had to meet in order to be the “right” person watching someone die. Enlighten me?” </p>
<p>Are you kidding us?<br>
Someone else can answer that.</p>
<p>Overly dramatic. Demeaning. Start over.</p>
<p>I’m not sure describing your twitching is the best way to demonstrate your interest and medicine. And what exactly is unique elegance? </p>
<p>I does a good job of gripping the reader, but perhaps show a bit more compassion for this man’s life. Yes, you’re horrified–but what are you thinking about this stranger? Why is it this moment that makes you want to pursue medicine? I think a musing about this man’s life and lost potential could make an interesting segway into why you want to save lives. But I don’t necessarily need to hear about your bodily reaction; I’d rather hear about your thought process regarding this instance.</p>
<p>Indeed.</p>
<p>I changed the twitching to a more appropriate word, “trembling”. I trashed “unique elegance”.</p>
<p>I think you have a great idea there, I need to focus more on my thought process at the time than my physical appearance.</p>
<p>Thanks.</p>
<p>I agree with almost everyone. First, place it in the present tense. Second, the “nearly nine o’clock” is not as dramatic as “I look at the clock. It’s nearly 9:00 pm.” Third, I agree that there is something overly dramatic with the last sentence. Lastly, think of a slight rearrangement in which the first word of the entire paragraph is the word “blood.” That will grab attention from the first word, rather than waiting until the second or third sentence in.</p>
<p>yay - trashing “unique elegance” is the right move. This opening sounds so similar to one of the sample essays in my book: [url=<a href=“http://jumpstartessays.com/essay]Jump”>http://jumpstartessays.com/essay]Jump</a> Start Your College Essays - Sample Essay<a href=“someone%20else%20embarking%20on%20a%20pre-med%20path”>/url</a>.</p>