I have one kid with several severe chronic health conditions, and another with a serious psychiatric diagnosis. First, once a diagnosis is documented (and for Olymom this happened after the fact), make sure that the student registers with the disabilities office for accommodations. This can include ADHD, migraines, depression, anything that is a documentable diagnosis that affects daily living.
Meetings with disabilties offices happen only with the student. I will say that I helped behind the scenes by saving or obtaining documents, and often wrote letters for MD’s to sign with list of accommodations I had researched.
In general, I agree with the idea that parents can stay out of things, for the sake of the developing maturity of the student, unless there are safety concerns. There are, however, important exceptions. One is, when the college’s own procedures for helping a student are not working. Example, one daughter went on medical leave due to a change in freshman dean staffing; accommodations were not being provided adequately. When they sent a letter with unreasonable (incorrect) requirements for reentry, I called the dean. He told me I should not be involved. I told him that when they had a functioning staff, and sent out the correct letter- and when my child was well enough to be up to self-advocacy- I would be glad to step back.
Otherwise, over the following years, when staff were excellent and caring, I (infrequently) sent e-mails to the dean that were brief, respectful, and acknowledged the unusualness of a parental e-mail, ONLY when my child’s health was so bad that she was unable to communicate herself. In those e-mails I always emphasized it was with my child’s permission but that I would step out as soon as possible and she would resume normal communication as an adult student.
For my other child, I also e-mailed a dean to let them know what I thought was going on, kept it brief, and wrote only in the spirit of giving the dean, counseling staff and advisors a nudge. They then had a meeting with my child and worked up a plan.
In other words, it is a good thing to maximize the child’s independence and the student’s own relationships within the institution. But there are times when it needs to be recognized that parental involvement is needed. Done in that spirit, the college seems to appreciate the heads up.
That said, I cannot tell the number of times one of my kids has called for an appointment and gotten a date three months ahead, and I have called back to get a cancellation date the next week 