- The practice of medicine involves a lot of goo.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Goo is yucky.</p></li>
<li><p>Tolerance to goo is as good a predictor as any of what specialty one is suited for.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>This is how the index works: Students are first prompted to rate their own goo tolerance on a scale of 110. They then consult my patented Gooiness Reference of Selected Specialties Scale (GROSSS see next section) to find their match with an appropriate specialty. For example, because my own goo tolerance is close to zero, I chose psychiatry a specialty where patients generally stay on their side of the desk and are never touched below the waist. (On those rare occasions when things do get gooey, the psychiatrist simply calls for a nurse or sends the patient back to his or her family physician.)</p>
<p>Gooiness Reference of Selected Specialties Scale (GROSSS)</p>
<p>Low-goo specialties (score 13)
Psychiatry</p>
<p>Very little goo is involved, unless you count emotional goo.</p>
<p>Radiology</p>
<p>Practically goo-free. You get to sit around in a sterile office all day looking at pictures of goo, but you never have to touch it. Your Italian loafers do not get stinky.</p>
<p>Neurology</p>
<p>You do have to touch people, but most of the time their bodily fluids are not leaking all over you. (If they are, call the neurosurgeon.)</p>
<p>Moderate-goo specialties (score 46)
Family medicine</p>
<p>Lots of mucus, earwax and toe jam, with an occasional smattering of pus and vomit. Overall, though, the goo tends to be stable and relatively odour-free. Also, it is interspersed with enough insurance forms to minimize the impact.</p>
<p>Internal medicine</p>
<p>A little gooier than family medicine. If you do not enjoy the tangy aroma of infectious diarrhea, stay away from this specialty.</p>
<p>Pediatrics</p>
<p>Patients are often very gooey and have not gained full goo-control. However, they are relatively easy to tolerate because the goo has not had 75 years to fester.</p>
<p>High-goo specialties (score 79)
All surgical specialties</p>
<p>Surgery is perfect for those who like to be up to their elbows in goo. When goo gets explosive think projectile vomiting, arterial spray, or tense, pus-filled abscesses who do you think they’re going to call? (Not the psychiatrist, I can assure you.)</p>
<p>Note: Be wary of surgical specialties such as ophthalmology that try to fool you by assigning pretty names to their goo, such as aqueous humour and vitreous humour. Let’s be honest: when a nail gun meets an eyeball, there is nothing humorous about it it’s just aqueous goo and vitreous goo.</p>
<p>Emergency medicine</p>
<p>This specialty is made worse by the fact that the goo is entirely unpredictable. The emergency physician can be relaxing with a Bratwurst sandwich one minute and picking someone’s intestines off the floor the next.</p>
<p>Dermatology</p>
<p>This is a specialty for the true goo connoisseur. Dermatologists delight in taking photos of the gooiest lesions they can find, then presenting them in slide shows with catchy titles such as 101 really cool penile warts.</p>
<p>Extreme-goo specialties (score ≥ 10)
Pathology</p>
<p>If festering abscesses and explosive melena are not gooey enough for you, this specialty is a perfect choice. Pathology is the only specialty where you get to work with decomposing, bug-infested goo and use words such as putrefaction and necrosis. Plus you get to solve murders single-handedly and hang out with all those hot-looking crime-scene investigators.</p>
<p>