These kids today, are they able to handle life?

Parents Forum
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<p>I have read several posts lately, and they have a similar theme</p>

<p>One was about a mom who felt bad and whose son was making her feel worse because mom and dad decided to downsize, in the same town and adult college son would have travel 20 minutes to meet friends</p>

<p>Another failed some classes and was very distraught over break up of girlfriend and wants to leave school and parent suggest asking for a medical leave, for a broken heart I suppose</p>

<p>Another is not doing well a t school but manages to shine t an extra curricular and suddenly maybe he has ADHD or some sort of cognitive disorder, ignoring he put all his time into an ec</p>

<p>Then we have parents who are afraid to change around the adult offsprings bedroom in case the adult child has a hissy fit</p>

<p>It goes one and on and one...how hard it it for these "kids" to adjust, get over things..</p>

<p>We had generations of young men and women who went to war, and still do, and they somehow gotthru breakups, a failed class, and heaven forbid changes in their lives.</p>

<p>They dodged bullets. They have friends die at their feet, limbs blown off, come home to all kinds of adjustments to be made, yet we have adult a who whine about parents moving? And parents who say, well, give him time, let him process it, it's a shock</p>

<p>Its like every excuse is made for these kids to not have to suck it up and move in. And we do them no service by coddling them for such minor life inconveniences and changes while their peers are dodging bullets, taking care of ill sibings, are homeless, and many other serious life circumstances.</p>

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<p>I’m an old fogey in my 40’s but my generation was the same, some families kept their kids close, maybe a little too close for my taste, and others gave them more freedom.</p>

<p>I will say as a parent, that sometimes what we interpret as parents shaping their kids can really be people adjusting to their kids. I am a pretty “free range” parent who gives my kid a fair amount of freedom, but also expects a fair amount of responsibility. However, I didn’t start out that way. Instead, each time I gave my kid a little more freedom or responsibility, he showed me he could handle it. I’m not sure I wouldn’t have been a totally different parent with a different kid. In contrast, one of my closest friends has a kid who needs more hovering. When she tries to back off, her D gives pretty clear signals that she’s not ready, and so they tighten the reins again.</p>

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<p>the OP’s post is best said on the “get it off your chest” thread…
it was started for those who wish to rant away about other people…</p>

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<p>Talking about being able to handle life, when I was diagnosed a year ago with Stage IV cancer, of course the first person I worried about was not myself, but my D, a college sophomore at the time. She went from happy-go-lucky sorority girl straight to a graduate course in Handling Life 101.
I have to say she had to suck it up. No choice in this case, unless we opted to not tell her. I can’t say it’s been easy but she has risen to the occasion. Before this happened, I could never have known the depth of her inner strength. I also have to be careful not to overestimate her strength, so she knows it’s OK to be sad and grieve when necessary. If she needs some coddling, she will get it. So you may be surprised at what these kids can handle when the #%&$% hits the fan.</p>

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<p>Sorry you’ve all had to deal with that, tpshorty. You have good reason to be proud of your d.</p>

<p>OP, what’s different today is that we have an anonymous forum in which parents are free to express fears, worries, and aggravations concerning their adult children (and seek validation and support, though of course they don’t always get it). Previous generations did not have a lock on sucking it up. None of the above-cited threads make me think that “these kids today” can’t handle life. It’s just about to be their world, if it isn’t already; and they aren’t any less ready for it than we were.</p>

<p>Threads like this remind me of the “Bye Bye Birdie” song (“Kids! I don’t know what’s wrong with these kids today! Kids! Who can understand anything they say?”) from 50 years ago. Or, if you prefer, from much further back in time:

</p>

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<p>I agree menloparkmom.
Probably one thread is enough for those who want to feel superior to others.
:)</p>

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<p>I think back to my dad’s family . . . his mother gave birth to 9 kids. The oldest 2 daughters died before reaching the age of 3. The oldest son sustained an injury in a motorcycle racing accident and died of tetanus. The oldest (and only) living daughter married against their wishes and ended up home again and divorced after he became abusive. She married a second time and the couple was given a section of the farm to build a house and make a start for themselves. They sent 2 sons off to war in the Pacific - both came back physically whole but one was never mentally the same. He worked off and on and lived at home for many years while sailing with the merchant marines and working as a long haul trucker. One ran away at 16 and joined the rodeo (really). He is now a cattle rancher. The youngest 2 became engineers and my father, the youngest, supported his brother (the erstwhile trucker) in his old age. </p>

<p>I look at this list and I don’t know about adjusting and getting over thing. I think that maybe there was just the expectation of more casualties. But in a smaller family - my DH’s for instance - one casualty is a 50% reduction. Not much margin for error there.</p>

<p>I want my kids to get out there and make it and develop coping skills. I want them to learn to figure out their own problems and be resilient. However, I am not willing to just let them take their knocks come hell or high water and be casualties if it comes to that. Life is messy and humans are social, bonding, cooperating creatures. It’s not like we’re turtles or something that bury our eggs and hope for the best knowing that most won’t make it.</p>

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<p>From Seattle Times sunday</p>

<p>"Rant To the parent emailing his kid’s university professor concerning “Jimmy’s” progress in class. “Little Jimmy” is never going to learn to cope or deal with the real world until you stop interfering! To all the helicopter parents who are causing a nuisance in the education system … your work is just beginning because you couldn’t do the right thing — step aside, let “Jimmy” fail on his own terms and learn something from picking himself back up!</p>

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<p>As the mother in the “downsizing and my son’s upset” post, I can speak for myself alone. I will beforehand apologize for the “whoa is me” post some may label this as which it is far from.</p>

<p>My upbringing was laced with every type of abuse and neglect possible; use your imagination. Combined with a large family and low level parenting skills and it made for an unhealthy family. As a result, I observed closely and mentally took notes on how I would do it differently when I became a mother. </p>

<p>Sounded so easy to a young girl. </p>

<p>I barely graduated hs, had no life plans and began working menial jobs. Within two years, I was one half of a shotgun wedding. Parenthood at 20.</p>

<p>But even with all my good intentions to undo what was done/not done to me, I soon learned that you needed to BE parented well to parent well and just having clean clothes and a tooth brush and a clean and safe house for my kids does not a parent make. So I spent much of my time observing families to learn the nurturing part of the equation. </p>

<p>It was not as easy as that young girl thought it would be.</p>

<p>But today, our three oldest are functioning, successful college educated adults and it’s our youngest I referred to who is struggling with our decision to possibly move while he’s in college. My husband and I are coming to the end of our 34 years of parenting and good or bad, I guess on a subconscious level, we never wanted our kids to even stub their toe, metaphorically speaking…so we worried that a move would negatively affect him. Talk about overcompensating!</p>

<p>So why my rambly post? If I could insert a quote from Plato:</p>

<p>“Be kind to everyone you meet for they are having a harder time than you”</p>

<p>Simply put, we parents are all trying to do the best we can. It’s just that some of us come to the job with a lot fewer tools in our tool belt. All I can hope is we fixed some spokes on my broke down Wheel of Dysfunction. And now it’s our children’s turn to continue our down that path.</p>

<p>If to the outside world, it appears we’re coddling our son, we have our reasons.</p>

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<p>merrymaid, there was no need to explain your post. your DS will soon love your new home, I’m sure, and will someday “cringe” with embarrassment when he thinks about how he overreacted to the news of your impending move. You’ll all soon be able to laugh about it !</p>

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<p>And expressing our fears and concerns here does not say anything about the actions we are taking to help or kids grow and become productive adults</p>

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<p>@Merry: My parents moved when I was in college. I got married during Christmas break of my junior year of college. We lived in married student housing and are still married 27 years later. It can work out fine.</p>

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<p>

We must be twins :(.<br>

Ahem, you’re never done. You’re a mother of 4 - don’t you know that by now? ;)…</p>

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<p>“And that’s what’s wrong with <em>your</em> generation… Now, as for Bart’s generation…” IOW, complaining about younger generations never gets old. ;)</p>

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<p>Xaniamom: To clarify, I should have included ACTIVE in front of parenting as parenting is a lifelong career! (:</p>

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<p>The older generation is always complaining about the next generation. Years ago I remember reading a complaint that was Socrates talking about the youth of his day. This is ancient news.</p>

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<p>Merrymaid—I thought it was clear from your thread that you were simply seeking support to not give in to guilt feelings. I didn’t see any coddling going on. You strike me as a dedicated parent, and I appreciate you sharing what influenced you as a parent…I can relate. Also, imho it was a class act for you to post on this thread ;)</p>

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<p>Myturnnow~~</p>

<p>Thank you. </p>

<p>I felt an explanation was due for the simple reason that when all of us walk different paths but end up at the same doorway, the manner in which we approach situations is as varied.</p>

<p>To chastise one when not aware of their struggle to get where they are, be it to your level of good or not, is unkind at best.</p>

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<p>My perception is that yes, these students are sentient beings, and they increasingly get pretty good at problem-solving. When my D’s were freshmen at their respective Big Ten U’s, they would ring us up quite a bit to vent (ALWAYS to vent!) and to ask advice. As time has progressed (they are 25 & 21 now), when they call, it’s still to vent :slight_smile: but more to discuss–after the fact–what has transpired & what they did to rectify the issue.</p>

<p>I guess that’s a good trend…</p>

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<p>Quite frankly, I don’t think it is all that bad! Of course, the unusually heinous situations come to mind easily but I think most kids are A-ok.
I’m a school nurse and have seen my fair share of helicoptering. But in a school of about 1000 students, I really just see the same 50 or 60 kids all the time - many times with BS complaints, many times secretly collaborating with their parents (moms) via text to get out of school, etc. The other 900 kids go about their business attending class, getting things done. However, it is those other 50-60 kids that my H hears about all the time.</p>