My D, with whom we have had some mighty struggles, told me she was going to be with w her boyfriend’s family for a week over Thanksgiving (she lives with us). Naturally, my inner self was sad, but my outer self told her I’d love it if she spent the holiday with us, but of course it’s her choice. Apparently, her plans have now fallen through, and, out of the blue, she threw me a Thanksgiving crumb - she’d be with the boyfriend’s family during the day, then she could spend an hour or so at our dinner table, but then she’d be going back to the boyfriend’s family.
Our holiday dinners are always somewhat formal occasions, and if she’s going to be here, I’d like her to be here for the duration. I’ve said nothing, but shall I accept the crumb, which mean’s she’d be disrupting dinner by breezing in an out, or what? WWYD?
I accept all crumbs!
I wanted my daughter to come earlier in the day on Wednesday and stay through Thursday. She said fine. I bought food for one of her favorite dinners for Wednesday night. Then she tells me she’s doing a Friendsgiving Wednesday night and won’t be here until late. Not that big a deal, but still disappointing. But I wrote back, “Great!” I just try to be thankful for the time she spends with us, and not ask for more. Not saying it’s easy to keep my mouth shut, though.
This! 
Well it sounds like you see her all the time. But perhaps there are relatives that would like to see her, even if it’s just for an hour. If you are looking to vent here, that’s understandable…. kids can drive ya nuts. If you are truly seeking advise, I’d say choose your battles and give her some freedom on the holiday scheduling.
Maybe I am venting. I honestly don’t know.
Of course, I’d like her to be here with us for Thanksgiving, but as I told her, her choice.
Perhaps, I should have said ‘she has a bed here’ we don’t see as much of her as might be assumed - at the very max. an hour a week, spread over seven days.
She lives with you? Just set her a place at the table and let her breeze in and out. Stick to your schedule (tell it to her and don’t try to build it around her plans) and enjoy the day!
OP- hug.
Try to see this as practice for when she’s got her dream job, living 3 thousand miles away from you, and your choices are to visit her (when she’s busy with work and her life) or a trip home (when she’s busy seeing old friends or needs to see her old dentist for an emergency.)
If you see it as crumbs- that’s how it will feel. If you see it as “hey, my kid is willing to inconvenience herself for the sake of family harmony, I’m going to meet her halfway” you’ll feel a lot better.
Does dinner have to be formal? Can it be buffet with guests popping in and out? Is there someone you’d love to see on Thanksgiving but they’re busy with their own family who’d love to get a spontaneous invite for “just come by for dessert once you’re done with dinner?” or announce “I’m setting up chafing dishes starting at 5 pm. Come eat whatever and whenever you want”.
Maybe this is a sign that your family dynamic is changing-- and that you can rise to the challenge?
I also like a formal table. Now that I’ve got grandchildren and in-law children I’ve had to modify the “my dinner my way” routine. And although I’m not 100% on board with it… there really are some advantages. I’m sure there’s someone in your circle or neighborhood who will be alone on Thanksgiving- why not include them?
I would also accept the crumbs! As kids couple off, there will be lots to navigate with splitting holidays, etc… I figure being as easy going as possible is probably the way to go.
I would accept the crumb. She already told you she wasn’t coming so she didn’t really have to provide the “crumb” at all. I would try not be judgmental but say you’re happy to have some time with her and appreciate her coming by. Is her boyfriend coming?
As for the formal dinner - she knows what you typically do I assume? Tell her when you plan to have dinner (or offer to text her when it’s getting close to dinnertime maybe). I don’t think I’d hold things up for her. If she shows up at an odd time then just do your best to fit her in.
It sounds like you are struggling a bit in your relationship with her. I’m not sure I’d bother adding Thanksgiving drama into the difficulties in your relationship. I assume you want her to want to spend time with you? If so, then try to make it a pleasant experience.
My daughter will graduate this year and plans to move, with her boyfriend, far away from home. I am already stressing a little about how holidays will be handled. But after spending years as a young adult worrying about how to make both my parents and my husband’s parents happy I refuse to stick my own daughter with that stress.
As someone who always felt criticized whenever I visited - it was never long enough, it was never often enough, I decided I’m not doing that to my kids. It just made me never want to come at all!
In my mind, I had them all to myself for the first 18 years. Now they are grown and can live their own lives. Any time they choose to spend with dear old mom is a gift. And any time they visit, my face will light up like a Xmas tree.
So I am definitely in favor in taking whatever she gives you. And let her know how happy you are there she was able to come.
First off, my heart goes out to you. I already dread when we are going to need to share holidays.
I also remember being newly paired and the pull between parents for holidays, and I also don’t want to put my D through that.
I think I would take the crumb, especially since it sounds like you’ve already expressed to her that you would have rather her spend the holiday with you. I would not let her disrupt your dinner plans though. Just tell her when you plan on sitting down to eat and either she is there or she isn’t.
This sounds just like my mother. I say accept the crumbs, whatever time she shows up and for however long she stays make her feel welcome.
Yes, one more vote to “accept the crumbs.” Depending on your relationship, you might want to offer that her BF is also welcome to stop by.
I’d let your D know your schedule for the day (ex. when you are planning to eat) and let her come by when she can. It IS a positive that she wants to be there for even part of the holiday.
You all have a lot of very valid opinions and advice, thank you. While my D does live here with us, I think a part of my frustration is that since she’s had this BF (two years), we never see her! She comes in most nights after we are asleep (early hours of the morning), and leaves just as we are getting up. If she should be here during our waking hours, she spends her time in her room. Aside from all that, since she’s been with this BF, she’s lost touch with most (all?) of her friends, and has completely dropped her hobbies in favor of his. Yes, she’s an adult and can do whatever she pleases. She knows, because I’ve told her/invited him through her, at least a half dozen times in the past month, that her BF is very welcome to spend Thanksgiving with us. While it’s not fine with me, I will eat the crumbs. Thank you one and all! 
Oh, my. I sense more to this than just taking crumbs. Are you worried about the relationship? Given your description, I would be. And if that’s the case, it’s really important that you take every crumb you are thrown … because you will want to make sure she knows that you are always there for her, no matter what.
I’m used to crumbs! My middle child came home from Boston Saturday at 2 am (4 hour drive and she had work), went into nyc Saturday night with friends, got home Sunday around 1 and drove out to the grandparents to meet us, we got home around 6, she was out with friends by 7. Todays she was around and helped me organize (which she enjoys) is at the gym and will be going out tonight. I do know Wednesday night is a big young adult bar crawl here, she has a 5 mile turkey trot Thursday morning, and is seeing the hunger games Thursday night. I’m street she’ll be out most of the rest of this week. I think she’s gone most of Christmas break, will spend some time at her boyfriends parents on Long Island (dating for over 4 years), and then they’re heading to Florida for a road trip (he’s there for chiropractor school so has an apartment). Weeks become days, days become hours, I’ll take what I can get. Two kids live an hour away, haven’t seen my daughter at Clemson since the beginning of august (she’s in Spain this week so I’ll see her at Christmas). I know it will get “worse” when they start their own families so I’ll take whatever they give. I think holidays are hardest because of the memories of so much togetherness in the past. It’s also one of those things they won’t get until their older in the same situation.
Another take the crumbs person. My son got married last year, and after celebrating both Thanksgiving and Christmas with us every time, since they’d been dating, and every Christmas of his life, she didn’t want to come to us/our family on either day. I was pretty sad/frustrated, but I sucked it up. (I did let my son know I was disappointed they wouldn’t be doing either holiday in our normal way, but then I got on board, and did Christmas the way she wanted to).
They will be with us this Thursday - yay.
This 100% - as D is getting older she’s becoming more conscientious which is awesome!
Take the crumbs. I’ll take whatever I can get.
Breadcrumbs aren’t bad. Sure, you’d prefer the whole slice per se but DH and I often tell each other “we are fortunate enough to have them, and under our roof for as long as we did/do”.
S21 is a junior OOS and youngest is 18 (senior in HS).
Oldest is visiting GF out of the country (10 hour time difference distance) for Thanksgiving and (mostly) with our blessings.
He’s a great kid. We often told him during Covid years of massive social distancing (my dad had cancer and lived nearby) that college years he could make up for it. And he is.
He’s flying home Christmas Day (after a couple days on a fun trip with a friend after finals) and staying only a week with us.
So we see him seemingly much less often and for shorter times than my friends’ with same age college kids.
But…he’s happy and he knows we are thrilled to see him when we do. 