TAKE THE CRUMBS! But also, why not spend a day very soon, during the “holiday season” with her doing something very indulgent or special. Does she like massages? Get a couple massage with her! Or get them at the same time slot. (Some places have buy one get one free cards at Black Friday and you can use them later) How about a day of shopping? Dinner or lunch and a movie? Start creating new traditions that will be fun for her, on her schedule and for just the 2 of you!
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Im going to be honest, Im guessing Id side with the 23? year old.
What have you done to spend time with bf outside of the holiday? What do his family celebrations look like and why does she feel more comfortable there?
Instead of being angry and annoyed with her, Id be doing some serious self reflection about how my obvious disdain and annoyance with how she chooses to spend her free time is negatively impacting our relationship.
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Lol, I can relate and I’d take the crumb. My son is grudgingly (sort of, but not fully sure) offering the same kind of crumb, in the same scenario. Without the formality though.
I’m not as subtle as you. I said flat out that I would really like him to at least make an appearance. We have no family here and we always spend the holiday with various expat friends. Our daughter is overseas and has already forgotten about Thanksgiving. So I’d really like him to be with us for at least an hour or so. But it’s not an enticing proposition to him.
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I’d be delighted if my one kid shared her holidays with the other side of the family. She will be working on Thanksgiving (and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and New Years Eve and Day).
We will celebrate thanksgiving and Christmas with her on some random days to be chosen…when she isn’t working.
If my kids could breeze in and out on the holidays, they would be welcome to do so.
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OP. now that you’ve posted more context I have a few more suggestions for you.
1- You see this as “coming home for Thanksgiving.” Your D does not- she lives with you!
2- Try to decouple general “let’s make our relationship better” initiatives from holidays and other celebrations that already have a lot of baggage attached to them. So the upthread offer of massages, shopping, a nice lunch out- terrific ideas. But keep the suggestions neutral- not “let’s do our Christmas shopping together because we barely see you and you always loved spending time with me before the holidays when you were growing up”. Something along the lines of “Do you have a free afternoon over the next month or so when we can plan something fun to do” isn’t as emotionally fraught.
3- Your issue really isn’t about the BF or his family-- right? It’s about your D spending so much time with him/them, and not with you. So try to unwrap the BF issue. If you like him, he treats your D nicely, and doesn’t seem to be exerting excessive control over her, I’d treat him like any of her other friends. “We’re having chili and trivial pursuit night on Sunday- do you and Joe want to join us?” If you don’t treat it like “We want your Boyfriend to come for dinner” and it’s more like 'hey, drop by in time for sundaes" you probably won’t get as much of a negative reaction (or be ignored).
4-What can you glean from your knowledge of the BF’s family that can help you? Are they more of a pot-luck, don’t get dressed up, just show up household? Are there lots of cousins around the same age so everyone ends the evening playing poker and laughing at the same stupid Youtube videos? You don’t need to imitate their lifestyle, but we often gain insights from observing how other family’s interact.
Re: crumbs. I know you meant it metaphorically, but I paid a lot of good money for therapy and I consider it a public service to share some of my hard won learning. When I’d tell my therapist something about a troubling family dynamic, she’d often respond, “If you make it all or nothing, you’ll get nothing, I promise you”. Then I’d point out all the people I know who pretty much control their kids, the kids adore them, are the most attentive people in the world, are too busy waiting on their mom to hang out with friends… and the therapist would remind me, “That is not your circus, and those are not your monkeys”.
If she were here, she’d suggest changing your language (even internally, the words you use to describe what you are feeling). Your D isn’t giving you crumbs. (I mean in general, not obviously just T-giving). Your D is going through the sometimes fraught process of separating from her parents which during late adolesence can be hard for some kids- and VERY hard if the kid isn’t living on her own, in a dorm, in an apartment with 7 other students. You have a front row seat to that separation process-- and to be honest, it’s not always a great thing to be so close to it. She prefers her BF to her parents- yup, that’s normal. She’s found other adults who either ignore her, or are cordial to her with zero expectations (i.e. the BF’s family)- yup, that’s normal. If she were in a dorm, you wouldn’t know what time she came home or when she left her room.
So instead of crumbs- what you are getting is the joy and the frustrating pieces of late-stage parenting. In a few years she’ll REALLY be gone-- so try to find the humor and some appreciation for how horrible it is to be a teenager/young adult-- both for you AND for her!!!
In a decade she may be complaining to you about her toxic mother-in-law… so try and see this short-term, painful, awkward separating in a different light…
Hugs. We’ve all been there. Ain’t so much fun, but flipping the narrative can really help.
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You said that much nicer than I did but I agree 100%.
I rarely see my 22 year old. I miss him but it makes me happy to know hes maturing and figuring things out. I know Im still his 911 call and he knows Im his safety net.
My 18 yo college freshman flew home Saturday (on a flight i bought). He was picked up by his uncle, went to his dads (we are divorced) and then spent the night at a friends house. Sunday he woke up then went to his cousins play. He did pop in for dinner with me and then promptly left to see another friend. Ill be lucky if I see him for another hour before he leaves. But my mom radar can see him for 10 minutes and get the vibe if hes okay or not. Hes mentally and emotionally thriving so thats good enough for me!
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Years ago, a very wise young woman in her early 20s – much closer to DS’ age than mine – told me to think of my interactions with DS as invitations. I’d been fretting about the frustrations of our relationship, and her advice, was a game-changer. Sure, if you issue an invitation, you hope they’ll accept, but if they don’t, just offer another. And another. There’s no power struggle, just a message that you appreciate any time you get with them.
Ultimately, the message they hear is that you will always be delighted to see them.
So … the crumb? It’s a yes!! You invited them for a week and they’ll come for a day. Call it a win.
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I have made it clear to my kids since they were in high school, that when they are adults I will care about celebrating holidays with them every year (if they are still in town) BUT that it doesn’t have to be on the official holiday. We can pretend Christmas Eve,or the day after Christmas, is our Christmas Day. I don’t care whether we celebrate Thanksgiving on TH, F, S, or Su. Wanna spend your bday with friends (as did I in my late teens and 20s)? No problem, just let me know what day you’d like to celebrate with us.
I think my attitude has prevented a LOT of unnecessary stress and hurt feelings on everyone’s part. My S ended up marrying a woman whose grandparents on both sides are divorced. On top of that she’s a doctor and frequently has to work on holidays. There is plenty of family stress there without me adding to it.
I am certain that my DIL really appreciates the flexibility and equally certain that we get more “holiday” time with them than we would if we had to share holidays. Sometimes we do get the official “holidate”, but every celebration is much more fun than it otherwise could be because there is no pressure to fit us in.
I know all of this is more complicated when you are also juggling time with extended family, but if you are able, perhaps you could get more time and also score some awesome-mom points with DD by altering your schedule?
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I think that sometimes what you see as crumbs the other person can see as preparing and bringing the whole loaf of bread. I remember when my grandmother was alive she never felt anyone visited her enough or spent enough time for her. She felt she was being given the crumbs. People made arrangements and went out of their way to visit and spend time with her but were often made to feel that while she loved seeing them their time and attention was never enough. I say appreciate their crumbs as the sacrifices they are. They will nearly always have obligations and demands on their time you know nothing about. You will be happier and gratitude is the best way to assure people want to see and be with you. Have a Happy Thankgiving!
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I’ll just add, make the time she is there a welcoming happy time. If she arrives while you’re already in the middle of the meal, tell her to grab a plate or drink and to join you. Ask just as conversation what the rest of the day plans are for her to encourage her to chat about BF’s house/traditions. Don’t put all the focus on her, let her blend in.
Who knows maybe that hour she plans to spend at your home turns into two!!
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I have a slightly different take. Time to focus on what would make a pleasant holiday for you-a cruise, a tropical vacation, visiting family, whatever. You don’t have to live your life in waiting for her to fit you into her plans. If she wants to join you in your plans, great! Or you both can be flexible regarding when to celebrate together. Waiting for someone can breed resentment on both sides.
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Thank you for your candor.
Over the past couple of years, we (I) have done quite a bit in an attempt to spend time with the BF. During the first six months of their relationship, he was here all the time. so much so that if I knew he was coming early, I’d set a place for him at dinner. Then he stopped coming…
Periodically, H and I take them both to dinner. Recently we were out, and we had a wonderful evening, the conversation flowed - it was easy and comfortable. The next day, I was gushing to D how much I enjoyed the evening and hoped they had too - she said she did, but he not so much. Some time passed, and, during another time we were out to dinner, she said his parents would like to meet us; I jumped right on that boat, and, through D, have extended at least a dozen invitations, including as recently as last weekend…perhaps the invitations have not been relayed, I don’t know.
It could well be that she does feel more comfortable there; indeed, she probably does.
What you might see as distain as annoyance, I consider confusion and hurt.
Thank you, I appreciate your candor 
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You gave so much time and effort in this wonderful piece of advice. I’d like to take some time to digest, and hopefully provide a thoughtful response. In the meantime, thank you 
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@momo2x2018, I feel your pain. My daughter is now 27, just married, fully launched, but still she can act in ways that feel dismissive to me. I just try to remember that I (single mom, single child) am the one who will always be there for her, no matter what. You know the trope about a bird landing on an open hand but flying away when the fingers cup a tiny bit? That’s what I try to live by. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! xoxoxoo
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Our holidays are almost always the same. With the exception of two years ago, TG is always at my house, with two sets of our close friends, their families, H’s family (I don’t have any family here), and whomever the kids invite. It doesn’t change much year to year, except we get older and creakier, and the young nephews and nieces are now middle aged with their own kids to add to the mix.
It’s actually quite funny - Thanksgiving is not even my holiday, but this is where the family Thanksgiving is held, year after year. I think people would be quite disappointed if I took a cruise 
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Again, I relate to this too and I really feel for you.
My son has always spent far more time with his longtime gf’s family than they do with us. She is a homebody and very close to her sisters. She just feels more comfortable at her home and we had to accept that a long time ago. We don’t take it personally. I am very sure that it’s nothing to do with you and your husband.
It’s bittersweet if you allow yourself to think about it too much, but when I think back to those days, I was so wrapped up in my own social life. I rarely considered how my parents felt about my absence at family gatherings. Then I moved away and was hardly around. Now I know how they felt. It’s hard when our kids grow up, but it’s what needs to happen. And you want that to happen, really.
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OR it could be that she likes spending time with BF…. and he feels more comfortable with his own family. Hope you have a nice and positive time while she is at your house
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Just one more thought. IME women make far more effort to fit into their male partner’s lives than the opposite-going to work events, reunions, whatever. One thing I encourage younger women to do is demand parity-maybe BF isn’t thrilled to be with you at the holidays, but I bet your daughter does a whole lot of things for him that she isn’t thrilled about either. Compromise is essential in any relationship.
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Bingo!
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This thread makes me emotional. I feel for everyone who struggles at the holidays.
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