So D will be flying in on Wednesday and…then what? Let me throw out a few random questions:
We've always had dinner together as a family around 7...its continued since she's left....is the expectation that she jumps back into that?
We've never had strict curfews for our kids but we always said, "if you're going to be much later than X, just text us so we won't be worried." But, obviously, that hasn't happened since she left. Do I re-ask when she comes back?
Chores. We've taken over what she used to do (empty dishwasher, sweep front walk, yada)...do we just continue to do those?
Any other tips? I have to admit that I am, of course, very happy she’s coming home but the 3 of us have also formed new customs…it’ll be hard to fit her back in. LOL.
On #1, I can only say that my son is generally very enthused to eat with the family because I think he misses home cooked meals. So we didn’t really have to say or do anything beyond setting his place. On #2, I do insist on a text if he is going to stay out or is coming home very late as a matter of courtesy. We had one big incident on this topic and since then he has been considerate.
Can’t speak to #3 as I am the world’s worst at enforcing chores so pretty much I just ask for help on an as needed basis.
The first visit home for Thanksgiving is a huge time to catch up with HS friends. Don’t be hurt if your D gives you all a big hug and then wants to see HS friends. This is normal and I think it is healthy for them to hear about each others experiences. Find ways to mix family and friend time over this short break.
Also totally agree with the sleeping a lot! LOL.
Yes, for the most part our kids home from college are happy to have a home-cooked meal with the family. But if a group of HS friends were meeting for dinner one night we usually tell the kids to go off with the friends and enjoy. Over time we found that by not "forcing" them to eat with us, they generally settled into a pattern of wanting to eat with us (most nights at least).
I agree, that is courtesy. When the kids are out of the house and you don't know when they are coming and going there is no need to contact you. But if they are home and you can be worried a simple text is in order. Funny story -- once my S was home and I was out way later than expected with some girlfriends who I rarely see. When I got home my S let me know that he was worried because I am really never out late (oh, and to make things worse, my phone was on vibrate in my pocketbook so I didn't see his text). SO...... now if a kid is home and I am later then I expected, I let them know as well. In this case mom had to be reminded that common courtesy is not age dependent.
It is fine to ask to help with chores. Sometimes they just do it out of habit without being asked. Often I let it slide for the shorter vacations but for the longer breaks yes they do pitch in. And if they come home with a ton of laundry, they are welcome to use our machines and detergent but I won't do weeks of built up laundry.
My kids always ate meals with us, but the youngest in particular was more interested in seeing college friends than us so generally speaking disappeared soon after dinner.
Which brings us to 2. Your kid and his friends will likely keep up their night owl college hours. It common courtesy to let someone know when you expect to be home. If questioned say dh and you do it too. You aren’t enforcing a curfew, just wanting to know if you should worry or not if they don’t show up.
Our kids come back and do their fairly minimal chores. Setting clearing the table. Leaf raking would probably be a joint effort between Dad and the boys. They do their own laundry.
My step-daughters did eat dinner with us for the holiday meal and arrival night, but they usually wanted to catch up with friends they knew would be back in the area. We didn’t have a curfew for them either, so long as we knew where they were, who they were with, a general approximation of what time they will be back, and we stick to that. They are expected to help out around the house if they’re home, but I don’t force them to. I just ask that they keep everything tidy and help with dinner, shopping, dishes, etc. I do their laundry for them, I think they appreciate that when they’re home, and they’ve always been pretty self-sufficient girls. We also make sure they know well in advance that when they’re home, we will be scheduling doctors and dentists appointments. Granted, we do have to schedule these in August/September when needed, but at least they know about it upon arrival.
I wouldn’t expect her to eat dinner with your family every night. She’s going to want to catch up with old friends. I’d just ask her in the morning if she plans on joining you that evening so you can make plans. It’s fine to ask her when she’ll be home and to just text you when she makes plans, and while I wouldn’t assign chores, expecting her to help out and tidy up when needed and when she’s home isn’t a bad thing.
The best time to converse with her about school is probably going to be your drive back home-this is always when we get the most out of the girls. When they’re home they want to spend time with their pets and siblings and friends and such.
I don’t think you have to focus on specifics in advance. The main thing is to recognize, explicitly, together, that things have changed. I wouldn’t of course say “we have gotten used to you not being here” I would emphasize that you recognize that things have changed for the returning daughter, that she’s been on her own, and it may feel weird to come home in some ways. It can even be disorienting.
Then you can talk about these various things and negotiate, between adults (or at least in theory).
Coming home threatens regression for some, and is a comfort for others.
And, I agree: hanging out with friends who are having similar weird experiences can be very helpful.
When my guys are home I always re-emphasize no drinking and driving and my pledge to pick them up anytime, anywhere. Your daughter most likely has been doing a little (maybe a lot) of partying at school and you can expect her to do the same with the friends from home.
Yes!! So true. A text when out late is definitely appropriate.
D will want to be with friends, I know - this is her first time home in more than 2 months. At the same time, she and I and her brother have already planned brunch for one day, and dinner with extended family another. Beyond that we’ll play it by ear.
As to chores…do her own laundry, keep room clean and pitch in at meals is pretty much what we do, and will still do.
Lots of good advice already. Ask her in advance if she’s got a favorite meal she’d like while home. We stock the fridge with what they like in advance and also take meal requests. She may definitely defect at some point and head out w/ hs friends - but finals still loom, so she might also hole up in her room and (gasp!) do some school work. Xmas/Winter break is different as the semester is DONE. We still request texts if they’ll be late - especially if they’ve taken the car. As for chores, we cut some slack. It’s a break (and a brief one) for them - let them sleep in and do their laundry. Enjoy the (very short) break.
Yes, to the schoolwork. That has been my experience, unfortunately, because between sleep and schoolwork that takes a lot of their time. But I’ll take whatever I can get!
I definitely stock up on their favorite foods. When they are home they like to get a MEAT fix. Most school dining doesn’t do a good job at serving good meat.
And they like to squeeze in a haircut with their hometown stylist.
Yes, yes, and not so much. My D hasn’t been home since the end of August so I don’t think I’d expect her to jump back into the chores, I’d save that for the long winter break and summer. FWIW, she had a lot of chores lol and I don’t think it’d be fair.
I’m so jealous of people with children still in college! Neither of my daughters can come home for the holiday, although fortunately, they now live in the same city and plan to see each other on Thanksgiving. I hope you all have a great time with your college kids home for the break!
wow- I had to check the date on that Brown piece - it’s like something from 50 years ago with modern references dropped in.
OP, as in so many things the Montessori advice to ‘follow the child’ is helpful here. Some chicks coming back to the nest want some parental TLC and the comfort of the familiar. Others are excited to show you their new adult self. Some think that they are one, and are really the other. Most seem to be a somewhat unpredictable mix! So stick to dinner at 7 and a household policy that people let each other know their comings and goings. Cosset when she seems to be looking for it, and wave her off when she goes to see old friends (and be ready to listen when she comes back with updates on those friends- it’s not called Breaksgiving for nothing…).
I was hoping someone would broach this subject because I’m wondering about it too. Not so much about rules and such, but more about the dynamics that of course have changed since the student has left. In our case our S was the youngest child so we have been (very happy) empty nesters for the past few months, and are expecting it to be at least a little weird getting used to having a third person around again! To be honest, we are both looking forward to it and are apprehensive about it at the same time!
Yes, we are also empty-nesters now but won’t be home for Thanksgiving so she’s headed to her bio Dads house for the weekend. I doubt she cares much, we figured it was more about her friends this weekend than anything. Christmas break is another story…I don’t plan to let her out of my sight much that month lol and that’s when we’ll worry about the rules
I would emphasize that you recognize that things have changed for the returning daughter, that she’s been on her own, and it may feel weird to come home in some ways. It can even be disorienting.