That is heartbreaking about your brother, I’m so sorry. Now matter how old they get they will always be our bs he’s, so my heart goes out to your parents too, especially your Mom right now.
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After being married a few years , I mentioned to my MIL that one day I’d love to host Thanksgiving. At the time, there was no way…no room or furniture to accommodate a holiday like that, but one day hopefully.! Her response? “I’m not ready for role reversal”. Geez.
Fast forward 15 years and I’m tired of driving 2 hours to her house with kids in tow everything Xmas. So the year things changed, her husband died and I decided I was staying home for the holiday and hosting Christmas Eve, (my family lived town). Invited her and her mom to stay as long as they wanted, we have plenty of room and she loves her grandkids.
She came. It was my first holiday with a formal dining room table and furniture and I had everything decorated so pretty, including Christmas dishes and stemware my aunts had been buying me for years . The first thing she says is “oh look, seems someone is trying to impress everyone”. My aunts and sister heard it and jumped to my defense with, “why we think it’s gorgeous”,etc.
So, that night she refuses to spend the night and leaves about 7. House was full as everyone says goodbye and she ignores me and doesn’t say anything, just waves.
So, I’m sitting on the sofa with my Dad and he’s watching the whole thing and we’re talking about it and I can’t believe she seemed so annoyed and rude when she left. He put his arm around me and said, “honey, she’s acting like that because you just knocked the crown right off her head”.
My mind was made up right then and there that whenever I had a DIL and they wanted to take over, my response would be happily “sounds lovely, what can I bring?”
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I’m still blown away that in the 34 Christmases my D has been alive, my H’s side has never visited us for the holidays. I could never imagine choosing to skip holidays with my grandkids.
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Join the club. My in-laws have never spent a holiday with us despite being invited numerous times. We finally stopped inviting them. What was the point?
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Where did they go? Or did MIL refuse to give it up?
@conmama ill reply for me. My MIL did her own holiday things…and at least one or two of her six kids went there. We went for a couple of Thanksgiving dinners before we had kids, and one Christmas after our kids were born. DH had a job that involved working early in the morning on Dec 26, thus making trave for Christmas not possible for a few years.
In laws moved many hours away before we got married. We alternated Thanksgiving and Christmas between my family and his (mine lived near us). When we got married, we told the in laws that once we had kids, we wouldn’t be traveling at Christmas, but they were always welcome to come stay with us. We have plenty of room. H’s sister lives 3 hours from their parents. She was also welcome to come. But my in laws insisted on being at their house, and they considered it important to go to their church. So SIL, her H and their son spent every Christmas at my in laws’ house. SIL had no problem with it - she had “her” room in their house, and she considered their church (which she attended a couple times a year) as hers. Over the years, many things were said that made it clear that “family” didn’t include us. They liked it when we came to visit at non-holiday times, but it was more like we were guests rather than family. My kids are fine with it, though, because they don’t know anything else.
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My 2 youngest just popped in for a short visit and are off doing a sibling thrift store run. Im meeting my 22 year old for dinner tonight before he heads back to his home 3 hrs away.
I know my kids love me but I also love them choosing to spend time with each other and surrounding themselves with others who love them too.
Kudos to all those with the beautifully decorated homes and those with huge happy families playing games. A happy holiday at our house just looks a bit different.
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Would those other siblings have had somewhere else to go? See that’s why I don’t really care for these obligatory dinners.
I imagine so. We found other places to go!
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I’ve been saying this every year for many many many years. My husband’s family has a long standing family reunion in August and for many years when my parents were living we spent a week with them (600 miles away) in June. Both of these were fun family filled connecting gatherings. The only thing they weren’t was the 4th Thursday in November and December 24/25… And it didn’t mean there was any less love because they weren’t. Stand strong against the marketing!!
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This caught my attention, too. You all had a nice meal out that everyone loved except BF? What did you talk about? When did BF stop spending as much time with you?
I’d take the crumbs, btw. I had periods when I had more or less time to spend with my folks due to work, in laws want a holiday, etc. My kids are going through the same thing now, and I try to be understanding.
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Well said. 
I don’t understand. You said you uninvited her? I think there’s a typo somewhere, because then you indicate she can come or not. Just trying to understand.
And, did she wind up coming or not?
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Seeing today all the Facebook pictures of the huge family sitting around their Thanksgiving dinner table. That was never, ever my family. I think we maybe topped out at 6 at the table at some point. This year we were three, just my immediate family. We had a lovely few days together doing what we like to do - cooking, eating, working on a jigsaw puzzle, and watching a movie together.
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Sounds perfect. It’s just us3 too. Quiet, easy and we played Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune and You Don’t Know Jack. Perfect for me.
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There were 19 of us gathered around a longtime family friend’s table. We had a great time and it was nice to connect.
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I’m glad the kids are used to it, but that’s just awful to make everyone not feel like family.
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That jumped out at me too! That is a conversation I’d want to follow-up on, if OP hasn’t already. If it were me I would ask about it in some casual way. Say I’ve been thinking a lot about the conversation and it’s upsetting to me that he felt that way. Explain that since he’s important to me that I want to have a good relationship with him and would love to understand the situtation better so I can help him feel more welcomed.
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