You said this so much better than I could have! The child spent 18+ years doing it the parents way. I can see later in life, doing it their way “How many years do they have left?” But at some point, when do the kids’ preferences matter?
I say this as someone who is miserable at big group gatherings. A formal dinner gathering is about as far from fun for me as possible. A root canal would be preferable. It took me a long time to admit this since I’m the “weird” one and would try to fit in. So I am sensitive to those who don’t want to follow a tradition for whatever reason.
This! I have talked with my kids about this. I recognize that sometimes there will be times when we are not the ones they are with. Or sometimes they will simply want to be alone or travel. Or want us to go to them.
We spent our entire adult lives with parents who were VERY inflexible about holidays. My inlaws NEVER came to us on Christmas and my parents came once (FWIW - my kids were thrilled that they did). It was a mess when we traveled to them ( a few long awful stories) so Christmas was always just us. Thanksgiving was us and several friends. It was hurtful to hear about how much fun they had on holidays (with the other kids and grands), but I am not repeating that pattern.
My in-laws never came to our house for any holidays either. The rest of the family was at our house a few times (in laws were living abroad at the time). When we had kids, we went there one time for Christmas…there were about 25 people and it just wasn’t very much fun for a little kid. So…we politely said that for Christmas, we would be happy to join them in the evening for dinner…but we would not be coming on Christmas Eve. It created quite the ruckus.
If anyone in the family invited us ti Thanksgiving, we went…but that seldom happened. We have been doing a Friendsgiving for 33 years with the same great family. We had a few years when we went to my family for that holiday. We are looking forward to our Friendsgiving holiday tomorrow.
We will have Thanksgiving with our daughter and husband sometime in the next two weeks.
A little food for thought…thinking about the OP asking if they should be thankful “for crumbs” - can I say this, some of my favorite things in the world are the crumbs at the bottom of an Entenmann’s coffee cake box, the crumbs at the bottom of a Chips Ahoy bag, and even the crumbs at the bottom of a bag of chips. Really. So “crumbs” aren’t so bad. Enjoy them.
The OP never said she was inflexible. If the daughter said “I can’t be home (yes she lives there) at 2 but I can make it by 3” I bet the OP would adjust the times. It also sounds like if daughter wanted to bring 5 extra people that would be okay too.
I don’t even have a problem with daughter saying “Hey, I really don’t want to have dinner with your friends or uncle Tom, but can we just have leftovers for lunch on Friday?” if daughter doesn’t like other people or formal dinners. It just sounds like she’s being a bit rude and thinks her mother should be happy with the hour she’s willing to show up on Thursday. I wouldn’t be happy spending that time with a child who didn’t want to be there. I’d rather spend a different day when the child wanted to do something with me. So no, I don’t want the crumbs. I want to feel important in the relationship too.
Took a cruise over thanksgiving to make our own holiday.
Asked if the kids could come sometime in December, not at Christmas, just some time around the holidays.
Nope too busy. My husband and I have aging parents who can’t travel to the kids really anymore. My mom did last year and fell at my daughter’s house. It was an ordeal.
So we will be alone for thanksgiving and Christmas. We will be with the in laws at Christmas so not alone. But with my in laws, my bil and his kids. Yeah.
We have traveled to where our kids are or half way for the last 6 years. Last year was such a disaster and the travel was difficult. I thought that maybe they could plan to come to where we live.
This is going to be terrible to say. But the older I get, I wish we didn’t have these holidays where everyone is pressured for the Norman Rockwell painting, and then feels lacking. I like just normal life, normal family gatherings.
It’s nice to be on this cruise. Doesn’t feel like thanksgiving but no pressure. Our kids are free to do their own thing.
They are busy, they have lots to do. I’m personally sad that we can’t figure out. But I won’t pressure them and hope to make our own traditions. Interspersed with visits.
My daughter said she would come after the Friendsgiving she attended. She got here at 10 pm, a little late! Her brother had already gone to bed. And DH had said he wanted to go to bed at 10. But he stayed up and we had a fun time talking until 11:30.
Her former roommate is a sweet girl from India who attends medical school. She had no plans today and D asked me if she could come to our house. Absolutely! It was only the four of us and I have tons of food. I’m looking forward to having her.
Having spent the past few days feeling like the worst parent on the planet, I had a conversation w my D yesterday, and I ‘uninvited’ her to TG - reiterated / already had told her it was her choice if she stayed fo dinner or not - either choice is fine with me. If she’s here I’ll be happy, if she’s not, I’ll be happy.
I hope I don’t get struck down for lying
Happy Thanksgiving, and thank you for all of the opinions
I think kids are grateful when we are flexible and don’t require them to twist into a pretzel to be with us. They can choose the time when they can be fully present instead of trying to fulfil one more obligation.
My DS has been in a relationship for many years. One of the things that is worrying to him…and figures into whether or not to take the next step…is his SO’s involvement with her family. And the SO’s family’s expectations.
THe SO would be happy to spend every weekend with her family - about an hours’ drive away. Early in their relationship SO’s mom declared to me ‘Christmas is mine, we can discuss Thanksgiving’. After a few holiday seasons of spending hours on the road DS finally said enough - this year I’m staying with MY family - you choose what you will do.
SO’s family is constantly stopping by. The twin sister that lives a few minutes drive away is like an undeclared roommate - because we know twins are close. (to be fair the twin lost her SO to cancer about 18 months ago and DS and his SO were her main support system, and DS did it with love).
I have been uber flexible in moving the ‘hallmark dates’ to better serve our family. One of the best Christmas’ since both kids have had serious SO’s is when I declared December 28th to be Christmas Eve and the 29th to be Christmas day. It was incredibly stress free. A big plus…when we went out to dinner on the 29th it was uncrowded and service was great.
My main point … a family that demands too much of an adult child in terms of time and attention…might get that for a bit. But at some point there will be a break. Whether that is from the family of origin…or possibly even from one’s partner…is up for grabs.
So, I grab crumbs when I can. Make available options so that those crumbs can be cakes (change dates and events). And am beyond grateful for everytime we see each other.
Yes, we have all been able to spend a lot of time with our kids over past few years between mom’s ill health, covid pandemic and wedding, that I have no regrets if it’s awhile before we can all gather again. I’m grateful the kids enjoy coming here and always feel welcome.
My MIL had all the intensity of many in that generation about holidays and whose house & all that. One year my parents joined us at the in laws, both for the. big Christmas Eve open house and the 20-30 person Christmas Day meal. DH & I likely spent the night and did mornng with them, too.
Afterwards I said something to my mother, that MIL acted like she’d won or something. I had noticed some unattractive preening in her having everyone at her house for 24th/25th.
My genius mother said, “Oh, she can win those two days, it’s fine. I get you all year.” Both were local to us, but his parents were a PITA for the nearly 40 years I knew them. My parents were the comfortable, easy, respite house. Blessings upon my mother for her wisdom.
I think because I have been divorced for so long I am just used to not seeing my kids every holiday. I did stop in and see all 3 of my kids for about 5 minutes at my ex husbands new apartment. My ex moved out and is divorcing the evil “new wife” who insisted he stop talking to family.
I was thrilled I did not spend the holiday with my kids. Instead, it was the first time in over 10 years my kids got a full evening with their dad and his side of the family. Its the first time in 6 years our oldest was “allowed” to spend an actual holiday with his dad (actually my 22 year old hadn’t talked to his dad in almost 2 years). I saw photos of my kids smiling and happy. That is all I needed for Thanksgiving.
My only sibling had a massive stroke 3 months ago. He will never live independently again. He is mostly nonverbal and struggles to communicate. Then my father in law had a heart attack and open heart surgery 2 weeks ago. On Thanksgiving I stopped in at 2 different rehab facilities. My parents needed a distraction from the sadness of seeing their once vibrant 46 year old son now immobile. So we let my mom cook. Last minute we chose to break out my father in law from the rehab place for dinner. And my sister in law, her husband and their college son all piled into my parents small condo with my husband and I to have Thanksgiving together.
I guess I just appreciate more of the small, unplanned moments and seeing my kids happy.
Thank you for sharing your sentiments about the holiday. Your life reflects the reality most of us live with - things aren’t always rosy, but there are rainbows among the clouds. So often, we are inundated with the holidays of social media … the supposedly perfect lives and perfect holiday gatherings. Life is seldom perfect, and it’s nice to acknowledge that sometimes and to find the peace in the present.
