My daugther is having an acceptable experience in 9th grade. Her school has strong academics but the culture is not great. It is an independent private school. She has asked to apply to boarding school, Episcopal. We visited and she fell in love. I am a wreck. My husband and I do not want her to go, but we have hidden that view. Our reasons are largely selfish. We enjoy her company and our son is going to college this year. Also of concern is that we believe in daily, quantity family time. We eat dinner together several nights a week, watch tv as a family, take short trips on the weekends…Also, I feel like I haven’t finished sharing and bonding with her (unlike our son, where we are ready/comfortable with his move to college next year). I guess, in all, I am heartbroken to lose my daughter 3 years before we expected. All said, however, we will do what’s best for her – but we don’t know what that is. Any other close-knit families been through this?
@middling - I could write a ton on this topic. Kiddo is an only child, and we are incredibly close. Letting him go was brutal. But it was also the best decision we have made as parents. No regrets, even though I miss him every day. It helps knowing he is thriving in a way he couldn’t at home.
No one can tell you what is best for your family. I will repeat the wisdom of another parent of an incredibly close family: “It takes a lot of love to let your kid go to boarding school. A LOT of love.”
ETA: if that parent’s family is anything to go by, they are still very close with their kids (and now grandkids) 30 years later. This is 3 years (admittedly important ones) in a lifetime.
Dig in a little deeper into the culture at Episcopal. It is a great school, but not necessarily the right fit for everyone (no school is).
What doesn’t feel right about her current school environment?
Calimex — our son is graduating from the same hs as daughter attends. The Administration’s values and the kids they uplift are inconsistent with our family values. We had a completely different experience in pk-8. Our kids were uplifted and part of a community that truly valued hard work, kindness, traditions and community. This school values major financial donors, athletes and does nothing to work to create a sense of belonging kindness or community. In fact, the administration is so absent on these issues that it is like “Lord of the Flies” and the power structure in the school is co trolled by the toughest kids. It isn’t a BAD school. It is just not great. Several kids from our current school went to Episcopal. They have shared their experiences — all varied — and it has been amazing in different ways for each kid. I feel like our options for our daughter are mediocrity at the current school but daily love and connection to us versus the likelihood of her finding a real connection at Episcopal and being uplifted and part of the community she seeks.
Thank you for these words. I hope We can muster the strength to make a wise decision and if boarding school is it, send her.
Look to see what schools are in a 2 hour radius, so you can watch sports events, etc. when you want to. I don’t know anything about Episcopal, other than what I have read here on CC. Lots of people love it. There are several other boarding schools, though, that fit your priorities. George (PA) and St. Andrews (DE) come to mind, and they might be drive-able. For me, it helped knowing that I exhaustively researched options before handing over my kid to anybody. Even if you decide against boarding school – you know what you are saying no to. You have options.
Have you already applied and only applied to episcopal?
My oldest is a junior at BS and my daughter (2nd of 4 kids) is waiting on acceptances. I went to BS, but it took a lot for my husband to get on board. We miss our son, but know it was the right choice because he is so much happier and positively challenged than he would have been even at the best local private school. If you are in the Mid Atlantic, check out Mercersburg!
I would agree with @CateCAParent and @comtnmom on those schools for the environment that you’re looking for (although that may be more relevant for future applicants.)
It sounds though like you have already finished applying and are preparing yourself to send your D away. It is easiest when you know it’s a great place for your kid, because honestly, that’s a gift. But it won’t make you miss them any less. And it will make you a pro with the many ways to communicate!
@middling I am a current Episcopal parent and my D23 is the same year as your daughter. I know how hard it can be to be separated - we are across the country! EHS has been a wonderful experience so far for my daughter, and the values you list as priorities resonate with her and our experience there. It is a sacrifice to miss the daily moments, but one we feel is worth making for her!
Feel free to PM me for more info.
@middling. We are pretty much where you are. DS decided he wanted to go to BS at 9. I immediately said no for the same reasons—selfish ones. But he really wanted to go and worked so hard to be a good candidate. He’s now a junior at St Mark’s (great uplifting environment FYI). He will go to college the year DD will go to BS. Application season of BS and college combined. DH is really really struggling with this because he’s not ready to be an empty nester. We also eat every meal together, have evening family time, etc. every night DS FaceTimes us and for about 15 minutes we are all “together” again.
It is even worse with DD because we’ve had several years with just her in the house. DH has made a few comments about her staying and unfortunately, she’s felt a bit guilty about wanting to go.
I will say -other BS parents can chime in- when they go off to BS, the kids seem to appreciate and cherish family and home more. My DS does and it shows.
It is a very hard decision. It’s not the right one for every kid or every family. But…despite the difficulty and heartbreak it may cause us parents, the rewards when you see your child flourishing are priceless.
DD will apply this fall. A little piece of my heart will break, but I know I’m allowing her to make one of the best decisions she’ll make in life.
Good luck in your endeavor…I’ll be interested in hearing how it goes. And know you are not alone in your conflicted state!
@middling Thank you for this post! I hear you. Our daughter is an 8th grader in a very similar situation (at a good private day school where she is doing well academically, but is not as happy as I’d like her to be). She has applied to several schools, but we are not sure if we will let her go. It is agonizing. Sometimes I truly think BS would be a great experience for her and she would shine; other times I worry that a new school is not necessarily a magic fix, and that additional electives and sports opportunities are not enough for us to give up our remaining years with her at home. I agonize over this every day, and March is going to be a very difficult month for our family. Unfortunately, we do not have any good boarding schools within driving distance. We live in Florida, so we limited her search to the southeast, but even so, the closest school is an 8 hour drive.
I feel for you as you struggle with this decision and I hope that, whatever you and your family decide is best, will work out better than your expectations.
If you let them go with love, they will return with love.
^Love that.
^^ me, too!
That would describe almost every family here. The best advice I’ve heard is, “It’s not about us; it’s about them.” You may miss a lot, but they will miss nothing.
Focus on how much your DD or DS will gain by going away to BS - if that is what they want and are ready for that school experience. We have all been there @ChoatieMom says.
Today, BS is more “collegiate” than almost any college we know. Your kiddo will have an exceptional life changing experience. At least for us, there is no way we could give our kiddo the type of education and life experience here at home. There are some parts of the country where parents have the choice/opportunity of excellent local schools and intellectually stimulating environs. We told our kiddo that there is a big beautiful world out there.
The hard part now is when kiddo returns home. It’s a small & narrow place in our hometown. So, I think you (as a parent) will feel better when your kiddo attends a Revisit, meets new students from around the country and around the world, and experiences new opportunities.
Have you considered hosting an exchange student if you are worried about the “empty nest” I am currently an exchange student on the YES Abroad scholarship and my family was worried about the house feeling empty. I know that studying abroad and boarding school are very different but I thought I would just add this as I was browsing. Hosting has been a wonderful experience for my family and they have been able to gain another member of the family while learning about a new culture as well. She has my old room and I can’t wait to meet her when I return. I wish you the best with your decision and I hope that your daughter does well. Just my 2 cents, as kids we are never going away because we don’t love our parents or we are not thankful but because our parents raised us well and taught us to be ambitious
Me, three. <3
Exactly right, @ChoatieMom