Three's a Crowd ?

Parents Forum
101

<p>WHy does she have every right to worry about this? What basis is there for worry, please explain that to me</p>

<p>I worry when my D is flying across country because airlines cancel flights</p>

<p>I worry when she is driving as she is a new driver</p>

<p>BUt I wouldn't worry if my D had 2 roommates who are both of Korean parents....and I would advice my D to not think that just because two people are from parants who are from the same country would be mean to her and I would advice her to turn that worry into a postive of being helpful instead of fearful</p>

102

<p>Wow, you really missed my point.</p>

<p>They have every right to worry because that's what parents do ... worry.</p>

<p>As I said, parents worry about egg crates, roommates, and as you said airline cancellations. I don't worry about my kids' driving. I worry about the other drivers on the road.</p>

<p>Everyone has the right to their own concerns. Some parents worry about their kid being homesick at camp and bring her home. Others worry but let her stay.</p>

<p>People come here to share their concerns. Why make others worry about doing that?</p>

<p>This has nothing to do with Koreans or racism.</p>

103

<p>Just to clarify about my S's situation: It's not the fact that his roommates appear to have money that's my concern. I know that there are well off people who are community service oriented. I have some friends like that. </p>

<p>Even, however, if his roommies end up being materialistic wealthy people with expensive cars, that wouldn't concern me. College is a time to be exposed to all sorts of diversity.</p>

<p>What does concern me is that in virtually every picture of his roommates that is posted in the public area of Facebook, beer or liquor features prominently. Some students also clearly are drunk in the pictures, and that includes at least one of S's roommates. Some of the pictures appear to have been taken in a dorm room.</p>

<p>S already has some campus groups related to his interests that he's planning to join, so I am not particularly concerned that his roommates appear to be close friends. </p>

<p>What does concern me is if they bring their partying lifestyle into the dorm room that they'll share with S. I'm hoping that his room doesn't become a late night gathering place for the drunk and rowdy.That's the kind of situation that S couldn't avoid by going to the library or campus clubs.</p>

104

<p>So twinmom, if your kid came home and said they were scared because they have two black roommates, what would you do?</p>

105

<p>Your point?</p>

<p>The OP's kid has not <em>come home</em> and said anything. The kid is not even there yet. She is worried about being left out - not scared of the language that the other girls speak or the color of their skins. </p>

<p>My kid attends what is probably the most diverse school in the country which was one of the school's selling points for her. Her roommates have been of many colors.</p>

<p>Why do you interpret people's comments as that they are racist and belittle people's concerns?</p>

<p>Perhaps the lady doth protest too much.</p>

106

<p>Northstarmom, thanks for focusing your concern to this:</p>

<p>"What does concern me is if they bring their partying lifestyle into the dorm room that they'll share with S. I'm hoping that his room doesn't become a late night gathering place for the drunk and rowdy.That's the kind of situation that S couldn't avoid by going to the library or campus clubs."</p>

<p>Now I get it. </p>

<p>Find out if there's a lounge on the dorm hall. If so, the boys themselves (or maybe the college residence office has a rule like this) can decide early on that if there are 2 or more visitors, the party should move to the lounge. </p>

<p>That's how my S got through his first semester, herding their parties jovially into the lounge as they got boisterous. The drinkers didn't care where they were (remember they are drunk). </p>

<p>Meanwhile, he kept his ears open for move-out opportunities,It's not like he decided in the first month he had to move out, but after months he realized this situation was tiresome. The straw-that-broke etc. was when the drunk friends in a tiny tripled-double fell upon his musical instruments; at that point he decided to leave the situation. </p>

<p>Around late NOvember, in French class, the prof announced that the French/Spanish language house needed fill-in residents for Spring term. In Junior year, many students go overseas in Spring, and language houses are the natural group to have this occur a lot.</p>

<p>Normally at that school, freshmen weren't put with upperclassmen. But, given the housing shortages and crowding that particular year (since alleviated), the housing office was bending rules to "de-triple" the freshmen dorms. </p>

<p>As soon as he found the spot, the housing office was happy to let him move out. Since there was crowding everywhere that year, he didn't have to name any problem with the other guys. </p>

<p>He came home for Christmas vacation, much relieved that when he returned he'd be in a new double room, with a sophomore at the language house. Actually the sophomore spoke Spanish (bilingual) and my S's foreign-study language was French, but in the room they spoke English; in hallways each spoke the foreign language. Everyone was very happy, and it worked out great. And he stayed in that house the following year for his own sophomore year.</p>

<p>My S felt a bit guilty leaving the Preppy freshman kid to cope with the alcoholic kid, but kept to his move-out plan. What happened was that when it was de-tripled, the two remaining boys moved into the separation of that room and used it as the double it was meant to be. They never spoke to one another, and their year ended.</p>

<p>A few years later, the college required the alcoholic kid to go home and deal with his problem. He was surviving academically but was arrested for several DUI's ("driving under the influence of alcohol"). The arrests were a town police function, not college security; but the boy almost ran over a classmate pedestrian while DUI. So the dean required him to go home and deal with his problem; he returned a year later and graduated a year late. I don't know if there was a rehab program but I hope so. He was a talented athlete and student, just had this disease called alcoholism.</p>

<p>The others of his friends sounded like the kind you'd call "heavy drinkers." </p>

<p>My point: it was a shame and a nuisance, but even under very difficult circumstances, a resourceful young man like your S can find ways to cope with the room itself. Good luck to him.</p>

<p>EDIT: So I guess that in some "study hard, play hard" schools, those "study lounges" you see on the dorm tours actually can morph into "Party lounges" as an adaptation. That would leave the actual dorm rooms for quieter studying, or at least sleeping.</p>

107

<p>Northstarmom: I'd also suggest that your son put it out there right in the beginning that he is not comfortable with partying in the room that they share. He does not have to pass judgement; there's little doubt that the guys can and will find other rooms to party in.</p>

<p>They may (hopefully) end up being respectful of your son though they have their own values.</p>

108

<p>Hmm. Well, coming from someone who's an incoming freshman as well (right?), going to the biggest private university in the biggest city in the United States...</p>

<p>I'd say don't worry too much about it. Echoing some of the others... how do you know that Korean is the NY girl's first language? I doubt it said so on the housing assignment sheet -- I didn't even get my roommates' telephone numbers, since they all live overseas. And it sounds like your daughter was too upset to go friending on facebook or whatever. Really, not everyone speaks their parents' native language. I don't. At least not well enough to have in-depth, gossipy conversations of the type she's worried about. My Chinese friends and I don't speak to each other in Chinese, even though I know a lot of them from Chinese School. We even speak to our parents in English a lot of the time. Even if someone comes over from China, they want to practice their English. Yeah, there are some people around the world notorious for their language snobbery, but you'll find that most likely, the international Korean girl will just want to practice her English.</p>

<p>Also, I wouldn't assume the other two girls' sharing this one thing means that they'll leave your daughter out. Like some others have said, your daughter and one of the others might share something that the other girl won't. For example, my school's housing assignments are really random. We ended up somehow with three ethnic Chinese girls and a Korean girl in a suite. You could say that possibly, my poor roomie will be left out. But then again, the other three live in Asia and I live in CT. My roomie and I are both going to the business school. Or another one of the girls and I are avid Harry Potter fans... maybe this is something we all share. The last girl and I both happen to know one of my distant cousins. Obviously, it might be better with four instead of three, but sharing a language isn't going to mean certain exile for your daughter.</p>

<p>Yeah, that's my two cents. Refute if you'd like, but my advice to your daughter is not to worry, at least not until she actually gets there and meets them. Who knows what might happen?</p>

109

<p>I only expected a response or two so I am shocked about all of the controversy. Firstly, it is not about prejudice whatsoever - its about three girls in a room together and two having something in common that the other does not. I would have been just as concerned if the other two girls were already friends and had requested to room together. Three girls in a room is not a good situation in my book - unless it was requested by the girls themselves. As I also said, my daughter was concerned from the very beginning about having been placed in a triple. As I also said, if it was there were only two in the room or the two girls were from two other backgrounds, I would not even had a second thought and neither would my daughter. And, if it was my son rather than my daughter in the same situation I would not have thought twice about it and neither would my son. Unfortunately, as someone else said, the pain of middle school and girls leaving other girls out is still fresh in my daughter's mind as it is something that she experienced. For those of you who have daughters who never experienced that, thank your lucky stars. I asked the question on the board quite innocently to find out if anyone else had a child who had such an experience, did it end up being a problem, or not, and if so, did it end up being okay. Dorm rooms are very small, especially when they are intended for two and ends up housing three. Even if you try to spend most of your time elsewhere you can't help but being there sometime and want to feel comfortable with those that you share the room with and want the roommates to feel comfortable around you - even if you don't end up being best friends - something that I realize does not often happen.</p>

110

<p>Firestorms aside, let us know how things go with your dorm scenario. You are right about the 3 girls together issues...middle school is a tough time, and sometimes I wonder what we've all learned, years later in terms of females getting along. I have twin girls, which creates triads with any mutual friends, and is a tough balance at times. As mentioned before, I think your D is in a unique position in regards to the other two, and this may be to her advantage. Hope she's found a way to look optimistically at the coming year.</p>

111

<p>Twkidsin,
How does your D know that Korean is both girl's first language? </p>

<p>What else does she know about her roommates? How have her IM or other interactions with her roommates gone so far? What does she have in common wtih them?</p>

112

<p>"the pain of middle school and girls leaving other girls out is still fresh in my daughter's mind as it is something that she experienced"</p>

<p>Mine, too. It was dreadful. </p>

<p>BUT..change of scene to college and her friendly inner self came out. She and they were 17 or 18 years of age, and not 12-13. That makes a huge difference. </p>

<p>It sounds to me as though MIddle School is heavy on your/her mind. I say: Let It Go. It's old baggage and doesn't have to haunt her any more.</p>

<p>What a perfect time to leave the past behind, esepcially moving far away. She can reach out, as NOrthstarmom suggested, in ways appropriate to college women, by contacting them individually now in the summer. Certainly it can work out well, especially if she finds a few interests they already share, which can be anything from stuffed animals to jazz to Kierkegaard (ok, I picked something really obscure; he's a Scandanavian theologian...). If they don't have academic interests in common, they certainly share an interest in coming to the new college, and have plenty to talk about just about the transition: planes, suitcases, computer set-ups, etc.</p>

113

<p>I just want to say that</p>

<p>a) I empathize with the concerns and challenges Northstarmom's son (Northstarson?) will face</p>

<p>b) Northstarmom strikes me as very wise, with a lot of thoughtful perspective (from her own experiences and those of her older son) and understanding that there are always challenges that arise in college</p>

<p>c) Northstarmom's encouragement of her son to spend a year in Americorps strikes me as exceptionally inspired in this particular situation: he will likely be the same age as his sophomore roommates, but from her description of her son, it sounds like he has gained far more maturity, perspective, and grounding than he would have done if he'd gone directly to college.</p>

<p>d) turning to the OP's situation, her second posting (pasted below) makes it clear that her daughter quickly changed her perspective (entirely on her own resources, without parental input, just a few hours after learning her assignment) and that sounds very promising to me as well.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Interestingly enough, when she first got the roommate information yesterday she was in tears and terribly upset to the point that she said that she didn't even want to go there anymore and should have chosen one of the other two places she had considered. She must have subsequently either communicated with one or both of the girls or some of her friends gave her a different outlook because later in the day she seemed to be fine and asked when we were going to start packing- although she never mentioned the dorm situation again. So - I am going to just keep quiet for now, and be positive if she brings it up again.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>The OP's conclusion: "I am going to just keep quiet for now and be positive if she brings it up again," strikes me as exactly the right note.</p>

<p>To me the bottom line is: there will be challenges in college (and there will be many challenges that parents do not learn about the summer before, indeed many that parents never learn about!) and parents should be available to listen and be supportive and provide perspective if requested, but students will do best if parents have given them the tools in advance to problem solve and figure out their own solutions.</p>

<p>There are no guarantees, but it strikes me that both Northstarmom and the OP have made some good decisions that will stand their respective children in good stead.</p>

114

<p>wisteria</p>

<p>Your post is wise as well. Being positive and then "being there" if the negative happens--not to rush in and fix things but to support and point to resources--is probably the best we can do.</p>

115

<p>Northstarmom -</p>

<p>Probably it will be OK. I knew a lot of wild party people who almost always had the common decency to take the celebrating where it would be welcome by all. I believe anything other than that would be an unusual situation, and one which could probably be remedied by mutual understanding. </p>

<p>In all likelihood the dorm drinking took place where it was welcome. I guess this will be a chance for your S to create boundaries for himself if there is an issue. I totally get your disappointment, though. It would be nice not to have to deal with this at all. </p>

<p>One of my closest friends was in a triple freshman year with two party animals (they were literally notorious on campus). They drank, they did drugs, they slept around to a noteworthy extent. Once she came home and as she opened her room, the door was slammed hard (a roomate and a boy were quite busy inside) and she hurt her foot. Often, she needed to find a place to go while her roomies were "busy" inside. She was really mad - pretty much all year. She did like them, though, and they were actually nice (although somewhat pathetic at the time). It wasn't easy but she made it through. Party people can usually be more considerate than this, though. </p>

<p>I am sure this story didn't help, but it is the worst I ever heard (and I went to a very academic school, but it was filled with partiers). The worst problems I have heard had to do with mental health issues or combative or narcissistic personalities. I think in the scope of things, it could be worse. :)</p>

116

<p>Northstarmom -- your S sounds like a great kid. Here's hoping his college experience will be everything he hoped for. </p>

<p>Seems as if there are two very different concerns here, the first is the concern (OPs) about exclusion, and the residual pain that 'being left out' leaves. Feeling that you might have nothing in common with your roommates and that you will be excluded can dim your confidence in starting out for college for the first time. I am betting that, even were that the case, the OPs d will soon discover the many social opportunities outside her dorm room. I'm sure that many of us have the experience of 'rooming' with brothers or sisters for years, and having little in common with them. No harm, no foul. In fact, many colleges set up dorm situations like this -- mixing people up on purpose.</p>

<p>Northstarmom's S's situation is very different -- in this case, the roommates are Facebook showing-off. Their choices could potentially be intrusive and disruptive. I guess forewarned is forearmed, though. He knows there may be problems with this, and you will be able to talk out his strategies for dealing with it. Maybe the college has a means to transfer to a 'substance-free' dorm if it becomes intolerable.</p>

<p>(The whole 'substance-free' dorm idea deserves a hard look, I think. Shouldn't they all be 'substance-free'? Are colleges sending the message that 'here we raise the white flag of surrender on the War on Drugs'? Oh well, never mind)</p>

117

<p>I haven't read all the replies, just the ones in between the first two posts by the OP.</p>

<p>I'm an Indian, I've been living in India all my life, and I think I speak English very well. I speak English better than my native language, actually. (I'm not sure if that's a good thing.) I've talked with Indian-Americans a bit (I have cousins in the US), and they're nothing like me, they're practically American. I've been talking to a lot of Oberlin '11 classmates on Facebook, and most of the friends I'm sure I'll be meeting up with once I get to campus are American. I've been talking to the international students, too, but for some reason, I've "made closer friends" (online) with the Americans. I know this may not compare to real life, but well, it's experience? It depends on the people, really.</p>