Three's a Crowd ?

Parents Forum
81

<p>I agree that the OP's question reflects concern about potential communication difficulties, but the OP's question still is based on conjecture, not as far as I can see on any evidence that the Asian and Asian-American roommates would prefer to speak together in Korean or would bond and leave the OP's D "odd man out" as the D fears.</p>

<p>The OP and her D seem to be assuming that because the roommates are of Korean heritage and had Korean as a first language (I still would like to know how the OP knows this since that kind of info usually isn't conveyed in roommate assignments. This and their hometown/country also seem to be all the OP knows aobut the girls) that they will bond, which isn't necessarily true. Those girls may dislike each other on sight. They both may have many things in common with the OP's D. For all we know, the roommate from Korea may be planning on majoring in English literature. :)</p>

82

<p>The plus of S's having such a roommate assignment is that he's one of the nicest, most flexible people whom I'ver ever met. He also is good at avoiding conflicts without being a doormat.</p>

83

<p>
[quote]
He also is good at avoiding conflicts without being a doormat.

[/quote]
Thank God. I agree, Northstar, that your son's assignment sounds worse than the OP's D. Hers concerns are valid, but they are based on the possibility of being excluded becasue of language. Your son has rather strong evidence that these boys are the polar opposite of him, and not in a good way. I doubt that's the kind of growth & stretching that you, your H, & your son were hoping college would bring. I'm so sorry to hear of the Facebook pix, and I really hope those boys are putting that image forward as some kind of stupid teenage bravado that they will quickly outgrow.</p>

84

<p>"Sure college is a whole new world for most, and many concerns are well, understandable, but many are from insecruity, paranoia, etc and don't need to be feed into, to do that does a disservice to all involved"</p>

<p>Why can't you comprehend that the issue is about two people having a connection that the third doesn't share? Why the need to use words like "prejudice" and "paranoia?" It doesn't matter what the connection is, any young woman would be concerned. We're all, underneath, still the middle school girl who was excluded by two friends. Probably nothing bad will happen here, and the OP knows that, but the awful feeling of being the third person out is pretty much universal among women.</p>

85

<p>It would be wonderful if the partying pictures on S's roommates' facebook are put ons.</p>

<p>S could have gone to college in our hometown for free, but didn't because that college is a renowned party school.</p>

<p>S decided not to apply to a first tier college where he'd done a summer program because the undergrads who helped with his program kept emphasizing that a big plus of that college was its beer culture. That college was trying to recruit him and probably would have accepted him with good merit aid if he'd applied.</p>

<p>When S interviewed at the college where he's going, he specifically asked about the party culture, and was told by an administrator that it exists, but the administration is trying to reduce it by having freshmen take seminars together and live close to people who are in their seminar group.</p>

<p>Add to all of this, S is taking out $20 k in loans to pay for this year of college. </p>

<p>Long story: We don't qualify for need-based. S is really smart, but had low grades in high school --particularly second semester senior year -- because of procrastination. We didn't know if he was graduating until a week before graduation when he managed to hand in all of his past due work. </p>

<p>Early senior year, H and I had warned S that if he had a low gpa (and his senior year gpa was about 2.5 -- this from a kid whose v.m is 1540) senior year, we would not pay for his first year of college, so he'd have to live at home and go locally or manage to get scholarships and loans to go elsewhere. If he proved himself by getting decent grades in college (3.0), we'd pick up his college costs as long as he maintained that average.</p>

<p>S hadn't applied to college as a senior, choosing instead to take a gap year, living at home and doing Americorps, where he did an excellent job and also saved virtually all of this money that he didn't have to use to pay for rent and gas (We charged him those things so he got a realistic idea of what life would be like without a college degree).</p>

<p>He fell in love with the college that he[s going to because he feels its small classes and some other academically-related things offer advantages over our local public, where he was accepted. And he thought he would have to deal with as much of a party culture as he would at our local college. He also successfully competed to get some merit aid at the college of his choice.</p>

<p>So, I am hoping, hoping, hoping that his roommates don't act the way their Facebook pictures portray them.</p>

86

<p>"Why can't you comprehend that the issue is about two people having a connection that the third doesn't share?"</p>

<p>The thing is that in a three-person rooming situation, it's likely that 2 will have some connection that the third doesn't share. It may be that 2 are rich and one isn't. It may be that 2 are from big cities, and the other is from a small town. It may be that 2 share a racial background or the same religion.</p>

<p>However, none of those things -- including their sharing a first language -- mean that they will bond together excluding the other roommate. In fact, who's left out may be one of the roommies who appear to have lots in common.</p>

<p>As a person who had a very painful middle school experience due to being left out of cliques, I empathize with the OP's D's wish to be not left out. I just think that the OP and her D have been jumping to lots of conclusions about what might happen. I also think that both the OP and her D seem to be expecting a lot out of the roommate situation. The girl was assigned roommates, not best friends. Typically one finds one's best friends in college through ECs. This particularly is true in state universities, which from what I've seen assign roommates in order of when the students applied for housing. I know at our local state u, there's no attempt to match students based on interests.</p>

87

<p>Northstarmom, I'd be concerned with your son's situation, too. A drinking culture right in the same room could be problematic. Hopefully, they're the nicest guys in the world who happen to have poor judgment in pictures. I hope we all do an update on roomates thread in a couple of months. I'd like to know how this all turns out.</p>

88

<p>"The thing is that in a three-person rooming situation, it's likely that 2 will have some connection that the third doesn't share. It may be that 2 are rich and one isn't. It may be that 2 are from big cities, and the other is from a small town. It may be that 2 share a racial background or the same religion"</p>

<p>That's exactly right. I never took the OP as a racist or anything else, just someone concerned. The concern could have taken any form, but it would have been there because that's what mothers do. I think she was looking for the "don't worry, these things turn out fine" comfort of other parents, rather than to skewer the roomates.</p>

89

<p>My 2 cents - I had a summer assignment with a roommate from Korea. She attended the summer program with other friends from Korea. No, it wasn't a triple, but she had several pre-existing good friends from Korea on the floor. I had a wonderful experience with her. We enjoyed each other immensely. Naturally, she spent a lot of time with her Korean friends, and I spent a lot of time with new friends I met at the college. Nevertheless, we did spend time together and are still in e-mail contact. The Korean students did not speak much Korean - - mostly just when they were trying to figure something out, like MLA, but even then, they mixed Korean with English. I never felt like the Koreans excluded me. I hope that reassures you a little. I think it will be just fine.</p>

90

<p>I said racist and paranoid because the OP and her D are making lots of assumptions based on the idea that these two roommates will behave a certain way because they have being of Korean parents....that is like making an assumption that two Hispanic girls from LA will suddenly ignore the roommate because they are both from Southern California..that idea is absurd</p>

<p>my D was bullied and had to deal with mean girls in Middle school, so I get the fear of being excluded, etc. but gee whiz, the roommate hasn't even met the girls and has assumed she will be shunned because they both may speak Korean to each other</p>

<p>Mother do need to have concerns, however, we also are teachers to our offspring and part of teaching and mentoring is not feeding fear and to remind our children to not prejudge based on preconcieved notions of how someone may act based on place of birth or who their parents are</p>

91

<p>"Mother do need to have concerns, however, we also are teachers to our offspring and part of teaching and mentoring is not feeding fear and to remind our children to not prejudge based on preconcieved notions of how someone may act based on place of birth or who their parents are"</p>

<p>They weren't prejudging anything. That's the whole point. The OP identified the girls as Korean. Didn't engage in stereotyping or any type of negativity, just identified this as the common factor. There is absolutely nothing in any of the OP's posts to support your position. You are the one who is assuming, presuming and projecting your concerns on the OP in this thread.</p>

92

<p>What if the OPs D was from Germany, and she saw she had two hispanic roommates from LA, should she assume they will be bossom buddies and ignore her</p>

<p>There was a whole lot of assuming going on because of a common language and the way two girls will act</p>

<p>Sure, if there was a swatika behind the roommates picture, make an assumption, but if she was from germany, it would be wrong to assume she was that way inclined</p>

<p>Would it be fair to prejudge someone if she was a cheerleader from Texas, after having seen so lifetime movie, or if he was from Montana that he would just wear flannel, or if he was from SF he would be gay or from Oklahoma, they would be a hick</p>

<p>Seriously, to make such conclusions that the girls will be rude, mean and such to the third roommate before they have even walked in the door just because on some forms they said that their parents spoke Korean is not right and a parents and a women's duty is to not let those kinds of unfounded fears stand</p>

<p>Sure women have worries, but to assume women will be mean and cliquey before they even walk into a room and to base that assumption on vague information does a disservice to females everywhere,....we should be better than that</p>

93

<p>SHe did stereotype, that these two girls would have all this stuff in common and be rude and exclude her and make her a minorty because the OP was not Korean...gee, what isn't racist thinking there</p>

94

<p>"Interestingly enough, when she first got the roommate information yesterday she was in tears and terribly upset to the point that she said that she didn't even want to go there anymore and should have chosen one of the other two places she..."</p>

<p>but know the OPs D is more relaxed about the situation, but that was a pretty strong reaction to having to Korean roommates, despite all the denials</p>

95

<p>"but know the OPs D is more relaxed about the situation, but that was a pretty strong reaction to having to Korean roommates, despite all the denials"</p>

<p>She didn't have a strong reaction to having Korean roomates. They could have been Martian. SHe had a strong reaction to their having something in common that she didn't. Not everyone is racist and not every concern between people of different ethnicities is "prejudice."</p>

96

<p>
[quote]
...gee, what isn't racist thinking there

[/quote]

I can't understand why you keep going on and on with the 'racist' accusation.</p>

<p>The OP asked a simple question about a reasonable concern. She even avoided indicating the specific 'race' up front because she said it was irrelevant and I believe her. The concern is the native language - not the race. I'm sure the OP would have the same concern if the roomies were the same race as her D but from a country of another language. </p>

<p>And, the scenario she was concerned about is real. Go to a campus with a lot of students originally from other countries and you'll find that some of them routinely speak to each other in their native language. Some speak in their native language almost exclusively (and some don't). I don't see anything really wrong with this but I understand how one can feel excluded in that situation. Maybe it'll happen and maybe it won't but the OP's D expressed a legitimate concern and it looks like she'll probably handle it one way or the other just fine.</p>

<p>I think it was entirely appropriate for the OP to come to this board with a legitimate question of those with kids currently in college and it's a shame she's being accused of being a racist for her efforts.</p>

97

<p>"Sure, if there was a swatika behind the roommates picture, make an assumption, but if she was from germany, it would be wrong to assume she was that way inclined</p>

<p>Would it be fair to prejudge someone if she was a cheerleader from Texas, after having seen so lifetime movie, or if he was from Montana that he would just wear flannel, or if he was from SF he would be gay or from Oklahoma, they would be a hick</p>

<p>Seriously, to make such conclusions that the girls will be rude, mean and such to the third roommate before they have even walked in the door just because on some forms they said that their parents spoke Korean is not right and a parents and a women's duty is to not let those kinds of unfounded fears stand"</p>

<p>You have a very vivid imagination.</p>

98

<p>I have something to offer Northstarmom, and am specifically staying out of the disagreement between CGM and Zoosermom, which I believe was thrown off track with StickerShock's posting, although I'm too fed up to reread the site again to be sure I'm right about that, but I think so. SS entered to protest this discussion and took issue that someone else was calling someone else a racist,,, when no name-calling was going on AT ALL. Please realize how incendiary it is to do that. And now CGM and Z'mom are quite upset with each other since they took sides over that divisive accusation which had no basis in fact here. </p>

<p>So, for Northstarmom: I only want to share that your concern has been with me all day since I read it this a.m. I know you want some consolation and hope, so I'm gonig to list all the thoughts I've had today about it:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Other threads by kids have said that Facebook often puts up a "front" and kids are showing off to each other. It's sad if that's what some people might think is showing off, but it doesn't mean they do these things constantly. </p></li>
<li><p>The sportscar in the picture might belong to anyone. </p></li>
<li><p>RIch folks can have values. I read Maria Shriver's biography of her mother, who was a sister of John and Robert Kennedy. That family was royalty-rich but the kids were also taught many good values growing up. JFK probably could have stood near a sportscar in his college pictures, too, or a mansion in Hyannis. But if you talk to anyone who grew up in that family, and there were values of social service expressed each evening at dinner. Eunice Kennedy Shriver conceived of the Special Olympics and her husband brainstormed the Peace Corps, all around the family dinner table, with the kids growing up hearing and participating in all of that talk. How could you know that from looking at pictures of their wealthy homes? I know it's quite a stretch, but I'm saying that it's possible there's more to these boys than what they have shown in material goods.</p></li>
<li><p>So let's say your suspicions are warranted and they are greedy, materialistic, shallow, pampered guys. Let's imagine the worst. You've read my posts and know I'm decidedly middle-class. My S had 2 wealthy roommates at a private LAC. One guy threw him for a loop, and the other would have been manageable. One was a spoiled kid with a Latino surname from a suburb in LA, who drank like a fish, was arrested for DUI after almost killing a fellow student, fell upon my kid's musical instrument in a drunken stupor...he was the roommate from hell. The other was very Preppy; his whole life since Grade 7 at a boarding school with dismissive parents who didn't come for Freshman Orientation..one of those situations where you sense they just shipped him off to boarding school forever and rarely interacted with him at all. The first roommate was all over the room constantly, with louty friends, and my S moved out mid-year at the first opportunity to a much improved situation in an upperclassman dorm with a roomie from the Dominican Republic and had the best possible second half of the year. The Preppy roommate was basically never in the room, but always in sports and science labs; he was hardly ever there and hardly ever spoke.
The point is: it was a terrible roommate story, but my S moved out by mid-year and proceeded to have the best possible time of it at that college. Even if it's as bad as you fear, you should not start to reconsider whether the college as a whole was the right decision. This is only one of four years, or possibly one of 8 semesters as it turned out for my S. In some ways the least significant persons in the life of a college student are the roommates, unless they really luck out. All you want is for some decent compromise, a manageable arrangement, like coworkers in an office. Anything more than that is gravy; anything less than that is disappointing and if truly undermining, is worth seeking out a change midyear. None of it is fatal.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Easygoing/assertive is GOOD that your S is that way; mine, too. Your S has all the tools to cope with even a bad situation. It may be not as bad as we both sense based on the available Facebook evidence, which isn't complete story about anyone.
It would be wrong for me to minimize your worries, but on the other hand it may work out okay even with all that you've seen. If you encourage your S to immediately look for oncampus activities (mine always had one foot out the door on his way to theater rehearsal, but anything is fine), he will make friends on the campus and not in his room. As long as they basically leave his head alone, your S will be free to form any relationship he wants to on the campus as a whole. If the room is a disappointment, perhaps it'll only push him out strongly onto the campus where he'll make more longterm relationships anyway.</p>

<p>EDIT: I prepared my S by saying this to him, not yet knowing the roomies and there was no Facebook then: "you'll meet some kids richer than you, and some poorer, and you'll be surprised at how different their homes are but also find some commonalities that will surprise you. Just don't feel badly if you can't keep up financially with the rich ones, and don't be surprised if somebody finds your few small pleasures to indicate impossible richness. Just hang in there and learn all you can from every situation." What actually happened is he got extremely busy on campus, made many friends in many circles, couldn't join the rich ones on their ski trips etc., but had the greatest education there. Most of his friends ended up being middle-class, I'd say, although he is friendly with the wealthy ones just can't afford to join them on their most extravagent adventures. He also learned that some of them have terrible and lonely home lives, and learned they didn't want to go home for vacations the way he did to a loving home setting. He surely did learn that money can't buy happiness.</p>

99

<p>
[quote]
...I'm too fed up to reread the site again to be sure I'm right about that, but I think so. SS entered to protest this discussion and took issue that someone else was calling someone else a racist,,, when no name-calling was going on AT ALL.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>You really hae a lot of nerve to jump in, admit that you are "too fed up" to bother checking the thread, and then make completely false accusations. The OP was accused of "racist thinking" by UCMary. That's when I asked what was racist about the OP's concerns. CGM has been calling the OP's worry prejudicial, as well. Read before you react next time.</p>

<p>Using the Kennedy family as a moral paragon is just TOO FUNNY! But that's a whole different thread....</p>

100

<p>I just wanted to add that one of my best friends - of Italian American descent - has two adopted children from Korea who grew up in America and speak not a word of Korean. I am also curious to know whether the OP is certain that Korean is the girls' first language.</p>

<p>One of my other friends from college was upset (back in the days before Facebook) when she learned that she was rooming with two girls who were best friends from high school. As it turned out, at the end of the year, she and one of the "best friends" decided to room together the following year; the other "best friend" decided to live with someone else!</p>

<p>For every successful roommate story, you will hear an unsuccessful one. The most important thing is to be courteous and respectful to one another. Beyond that, all of the kids meet so many others in their halls and classes and mixers right away, so lots of friends will inevitably be made.</p>

<p>I think the OP has every right to be concerned. Parents worry; that's their job. Some people are worried that their kids won't know which way to turn their egg crate mattresses! Those kids will figure out whether they like the bumps on top or on bottom, and most kids will figure out how to deal with their roommates too. Some will become best friends and others won't. It really does work out.</p>